Relationship break up

It is hard to see our adult children struggling for whatever reason. But they are adults and should be allowed to make their own decisions whether or not we feel its the right decision
We learn from our mistakes and we can't and shouldn't try to prevent sadness or hurt. Sadly life has ups and downs and everyone has to learn to deal with these.

Vik65, it is really hard isn't it? Last weekend we had devastation because my DS's 'best' friend came around before she went to a party. My DS went out with his friends and in the morning called me to come to pick him up. As soon as I saw him, I just knew there was something wrong. As he got in the car he started to sob because she had messaged him to tell him that she'd been with another boy. She said it was a one off and still wanted to be friends to see if they would ever get back together.
He backed off but she's tugged him back again so last night he was feeling down because she still doesn't know what she wants and she's still in contact with this other lad. Tonight, they are out at the same party and I am really worried because he is obviously finding it all a struggle.
I just think she's stringing him along but all I can do is be there to pick up the pieces. I think the more I say against her or appear to be against her, the more attractive he'll become so I keep quiet. His father finds it a bit more difficult and is trying to encourage him to go out with other people but I see his face tighten whenever the DH starts talking about it. My DS knows I am here to talk to and I just hope staying neutral will make him more ready to do that when he needs to.

Some posters are saying he is trying to control your daughter and perhaps they're right. However, could it be a case of they're still keen on each other and may get back together?

Would that worry you? Did he treat her well?

People do sometimes break up for a while and then get back together.

Let them get on with it , you will get no thanks for unwanted advice

But why on earth are you involved you seem to know every word that is passing between them It’s not your relationship Butt out, let her sort it out herself unless of course she’s 14

Now he is saying he wants to keep talking to her till December when he will decide if he wants a relationship how do I make her see she is being used

Sadly you can't make adult children do what you think is best for them, no matter how hard you try, and you will probably alienate them in the process. DD kicked out SiL after two affairs and leaving her very heavily in debt. You long to tell her he is a waste of space and she is far better off without him, but if they come to an amicable agreement, you will be shut out.

DD sees her ex several times a week, which is good for the children. They spend Christmases together, sometimes he joins her on her holidays with friends for a few days. He has got what he always wanted, no responsibilities, the part time family he can see when he wishes on his terms. DD always said when they split up that she wanted the sort of Prince Andrew/Sarah Ferguson arrangements, and I suppose she has got it, but it does mean she can never move on, though of course he is seeing other people.

I don't know how old your daughter is but if she's an adult she is old enough to decided for herself whether she has contact with this boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) or not. I must admit he seems a bit immature allowing his friends to be nasty over social media.

Yes I would prefer the second option too, here's hoping for both of them

The sad thing Vik65 is that he won't be a good catch if he can't stand peer pressure. At the moment my son is trying to be a good best friend and hoping. I am hoping that he spots someone else who will work with him as part of a team rather than pulling against him or competing. Sadly, they have to make their own mistakes. It is great that your DD can confide in you and I hope she continues to do so.

Icanhandthemback it does seem strange, speaking to d today she admitted she is confused. The ex messaged her this morning they sent a few messages and then said bye. 5 mins later he messages her again and then said he was making him talk to her, d pointed out he was the one who had started up the 2nd conversation and he did apologize. I also think his mates who are all single have a lot to do with the break up and he is unable to stand upto them

Have they really broken up or is he just letting his friends think they have?

Its a funny world out there. My DS had a very unusual (for him) reaction to something his GF had said in anger when he was also feeling stressed. She kept on asking whether he still loved her and as he was having doubts, he said he didn't know. She took it that they were over, became hysterical and we had to get her family out to get her. DS had momentary relief but then they talked and decided to be really good friends for the summer and see how they felt. After a while, they decided to get back together. A week later, after she finished with him. Now she wants to be really good friends again, meeting up at least once a week and chatting every day...several times! We've decided she watches too much Love Island or TOWIE so thinks that this is the way things are. And who knows, maybe they are these days! I thought young love was hard enough when I was there but it seems to be far worse a situation when your kids are going through it!
One thing I do know, is that the more you try to encourage your DD to walk away, the more likely she is to dig in her heels. Just be there for her and let her come to her own decision.

As Dora says, not much you can do. She'll make her own decisions. Just be there to pick up any pieces.

Sounds to me as if your daughter still hopes her ex will come back.
You have given her good advice, which she has chosen not to take.

Leave her to it, be sympathetic if she needs to discuss the break up, but it is entirely up to her whether she wants to hope her ex will come back, fight for him, or move on.

Don't offer any more advice until she asks for it. I know it is hard, but you risk antagonising her if you comment unfavourably.

Your daughter already knows what she should be doing, defriending the ex, blocking him etc. She's grasping at straws and will continue to do that until she realises that the relationship is really over or he hooks her back in, at least for a while. She needs to work through this in her own way. All you can do for her is to be a shoulder to cry on. ?

Before social media I was virtually stalked by an ex - it's a dreadful experience and must be worse nowadays with social media. Bloke him - and his friends.

She needs to de-friend him and ignore e-mails, where is her backbone?

If he's the one who keeps contacting her then he's obviously keeping her hanging on to hope that isn't really there - he's messing her around just because he can!

He sounds like a pathetic control freak - she needs to claim back her pride and assert it.

She is a grown-up. These decisions are up to her. You can mention what you think she ought to do once, in passing, after that, for good or ill, you must do and say nothing.

It may all end in tears but that is her decision.

She is an adult. Life and society different each generation. Let her find her own way of dealing with this. Be there when she needs comfort and offer wise words when she asks for them. Otherwise be vey busy so it does not take up space in your mind!

You have to allow adult children to make their own decisions.

It's hard I bite my tongue many times with my children but you cannot interfere with your daughters relationship it's her decision to do or not do whatever she wants.

Any ideas how I can stop them communicating

You can’t and you shouldn’t it really isn’t your call at all Vik65

You cant do anything. We had to let my son play out his own life story .

My son has taken nine months of living apart to give up hope with his girlfriend of four years.
She had been playing away and lying about being at work whilst with another man.

She became a vicious nightmare to us all. Including my youngest son who lives three hours drive away and has never met her!

My son still hoped they'd reconcile.

He's now met a girl, long distance, but confesses still to a soft spot for his ex.

Let her sort it out herself Maybe they will get back together maybe he still loves her Long distance relationship rarely work in my opinion unless they are both incredible strong
She ll move on when she’s ready maybe she likes hearing from him if it was a split instigated by his friends maybe he’s a bit weak and didn’t really want to split
Leave it alone, try to not think about it, it ll sort itself out