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Relationship break up

(36 Posts)
Vik65 Tue 25-Sep-18 10:38:47

My daughter has been in a long distance relationship for the past year which had now been broken up by the boyfriend. His friends have been nasty on social media and I believe it is pressure from them as too why the relationship had broken down. However my daughter and the ex are still in constant contact via snapchat text and Skype, I have tried to suggest that she stops this for a while at least but she won't, he iniates many of the conversations. Do you think this is healthy or like me stopping her from getting over what has happened?

oldbatty Tue 25-Sep-18 10:44:38

I think social media has to be used responsibly and infrequently.

I also think adult children will make mistakes.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

muffinthemoo Tue 25-Sep-18 10:47:09

She needs to block him, I’m afraid.

FlexibleFriend Tue 25-Sep-18 10:58:01

It sounds like she's hoping it's not actually finished and by maintaining contact things will get back on track.

Vik65 Tue 25-Sep-18 11:05:00

I have suggested this to her, and it just ended in us two arguing, so any ideas how to get them to stop communicating?

DoraMarr Tue 25-Sep-18 11:14:53

You can’t, I’m afraid. Let her work it out for herself. You have given her your advice, it’s up to her whether she takes it. She will have her heart broken- haven’t we all? But that’s part of life.

Eglantine21 Tue 25-Sep-18 11:21:31

Is she very upset and hoping that he will come back? In that case it’s not good but I’m afraid it’s not up to you. It’s her relationship and she has to work through it and learn.

On the other hand it’s perfectly possible to stay friendly with ex boyfriends. I did and still do. Some of them came to my wedding and over the last year Ive been to the funerals of two of them. Last month I met up with one of them and his wife for a day out.

My son, as far as I know has also stayed friendly with his ex girlfriends, goes to their celebrations and does a spot of babysitting for one couple.

A breakup doesn’t have to be an “out of my life” thing.

JudyJudy12 Tue 25-Sep-18 11:23:22

If you go on about it your daughter will stop telling you what is happening and you will not be able to support her, and it will probably become your fault somehow.

This is one of the negatives of social media, it used to be just dont answer the phone now it is difficult to cut ties, even if she did block him it will filter through to her via friends.

Horrible to see your children upset but we know it will not last.

Lona Tue 25-Sep-18 11:34:51

Vik65 I'm in the same situation with my son, but you have to give advice when asked and then butt out! They are adults and need to deal with it themselves.
I wouldn't have wanted interference from my parents.

Vik65 Tue 25-Sep-18 11:43:08

I know I am trying to be supportive, and have not brought up the subject since the argument and she has talked to me about some of the things he has said since. If it was just her contacting he I would be less worried but he Snapchats her first thing in the morning and when he gets home from work. I know she is an adult and she will get through this and I am thinking along the same lines as the rest of you.

GillT57 Tue 25-Sep-18 13:22:28

It sounds to me as though the ex-boyfriend is making sure your DD can't move on with her life and make new relationships. He may not 'want' her, but he will make sure she is unable to find anyone else, the early morning and just after work phone calls are an indicator that he is checking up on her. All you can do is be there, listen, maybe suggest that she doesn't answer the morning calls, after all it is none of his business what she is doing. All very difficult though, and I wish you well.

BlueBelle Tue 25-Sep-18 13:53:49

Let her sort it out herself Maybe they will get back together maybe he still loves her Long distance relationship rarely work in my opinion unless they are both incredible strong
She ll move on when she’s ready maybe she likes hearing from him if it was a split instigated by his friends maybe he’s a bit weak and didn’t really want to split
Leave it alone, try to not think about it, it ll sort itself out

gmelon Tue 25-Sep-18 14:03:36

You cant do anything. We had to let my son play out his own life story .

My son has taken nine months of living apart to give up hope with his girlfriend of four years.
She had been playing away and lying about being at work whilst with another man.

She became a vicious nightmare to us all. Including my youngest son who lives three hours drive away and has never met her!

My son still hoped they'd reconcile.

He's now met a girl, long distance, but confesses still to a soft spot for his ex.

BlueBelle Tue 25-Sep-18 14:18:10

Any ideas how I can stop them communicating

You can’t and you shouldn’t it really isn’t your call at all Vik65

jeanie99 Wed 26-Sep-18 08:37:19

You have to allow adult children to make their own decisions.

It's hard I bite my tongue many times with my children but you cannot interfere with your daughters relationship it's her decision to do or not do whatever she wants.

PECS Wed 26-Sep-18 10:01:50

She is an adult. Life and society different each generation. Let her find her own way of dealing with this. Be there when she needs comfort and offer wise words when she asks for them. Otherwise be vey busy so it does not take up space in your mind!

M0nica Wed 26-Sep-18 11:03:22

She is a grown-up. These decisions are up to her. You can mention what you think she ought to do once, in passing, after that, for good or ill, you must do and say nothing.

It may all end in tears but that is her decision.

Margs Wed 26-Sep-18 11:11:20

If he's the one who keeps contacting her then he's obviously keeping her hanging on to hope that isn't really there - he's messing her around just because he can!

He sounds like a pathetic control freak - she needs to claim back her pride and assert it.

mabon1 Wed 26-Sep-18 11:26:30

She needs to de-friend him and ignore e-mails, where is her backbone?

Caro57 Wed 26-Sep-18 11:31:49

Before social media I was virtually stalked by an ex - it's a dreadful experience and must be worse nowadays with social media. Bloke him - and his friends.

Apricity Wed 26-Sep-18 11:39:49

Your daughter already knows what she should be doing, defriending the ex, blocking him etc. She's grasping at straws and will continue to do that until she realises that the relationship is really over or he hooks her back in, at least for a while. She needs to work through this in her own way. All you can do for her is to be a shoulder to cry on. ?

grandtanteJE65 Wed 26-Sep-18 12:25:10

Sounds to me as if your daughter still hopes her ex will come back.
You have given her good advice, which she has chosen not to take.

Leave her to it, be sympathetic if she needs to discuss the break up, but it is entirely up to her whether she wants to hope her ex will come back, fight for him, or move on.

Don't offer any more advice until she asks for it. I know it is hard, but you risk antagonising her if you comment unfavourably.

Camelotclub Wed 26-Sep-18 12:27:14

As Dora says, not much you can do. She'll make her own decisions. Just be there to pick up any pieces.

icanhandthemback Wed 26-Sep-18 15:01:00

Its a funny world out there. My DS had a very unusual (for him) reaction to something his GF had said in anger when he was also feeling stressed. She kept on asking whether he still loved her and as he was having doubts, he said he didn't know. She took it that they were over, became hysterical and we had to get her family out to get her. DS had momentary relief but then they talked and decided to be really good friends for the summer and see how they felt. After a while, they decided to get back together. A week later, after she finished with him. Now she wants to be really good friends again, meeting up at least once a week and chatting every day...several times! We've decided she watches too much Love Island or TOWIE so thinks that this is the way things are. And who knows, maybe they are these days! I thought young love was hard enough when I was there but it seems to be far worse a situation when your kids are going through it!
One thing I do know, is that the more you try to encourage your DD to walk away, the more likely she is to dig in her heels. Just be there for her and let her come to her own decision.

Theoddbird Wed 26-Sep-18 16:03:01

Have they really broken up or is he just letting his friends think they have?