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Mother and Father in Law cut me out

(22 Posts)
ScornedDIL Thu 27-Sep-18 21:12:10

I’m new here and I wanted to get perspective from a different angle i.e. older generation and In-Laws.

I’ll try not to be too long winded.

I had a friend - call him Bob growing up who had a large birthmark across his face and had quite low self esteem. His family just decided to pretend there was nothing wrong.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Bob and I became close after the end of my relationship and eventually married when my daughter was 5. She is now 11.

Last year my husband had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. His parents had planned a holiday to the Cotswolds and I was shocked they did not cancel.

I dealt with this alone. When he was recovering he admitted that the stress of living a double life had caused him to have a breakdown. He said that he had never imagined anyone would be able to see past his facial disfigurement and had started using prostitutes when he was a young man. He used them during our marriage.

This was a shock and I asked him to move out of our rented house. His parents swooped in and said that as their son is the high earner it is his house. They said me and my daughter should move 3 hours away to my parents house. I would have to quit my job and dd leave a school she is doing well at. I said ‘If you think I’m leaving my home you have another think coming.’

Eventually he moved into their house which is an hour away and he could still commute to work. He lived there for 3 months then rented a studio flat.

After therapy we are trying to mend the relationship and he has moved back to the family home. His parents said I am banned from their house. At Christmas they sent a card addressed only to Bob. Not me and completely ignored my daughter who called them grandma and grandpa for five years. They ignored her birthday. They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

A few weeks later we drove to their house to try and talk. They said I am not allowed in. His sister has taken the same line. My daughter was not invited to the usual cousins birthday party. Also a Christmas card to her brother only but not me or dd. I phoned her and asked why they were doing that and she said ‘I had spoken to her parents very rude and disrespectfully to them’.

I have apologised to them saying ‘it was obviously a stressful time and their saying I should leave my home when I had done nothing wrong was unfair but I’m sorry I had a rude tone speaking to you.’ They still will not speak to me and it’s coming up to two years now.

Dh is useless. He won’t ever do against his parents and is scared of his dad. It’s not a good relationship but to leave would be too much upheaval for me.

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

ScornedDIL Thu 27-Sep-18 21:16:49

Just to clarify, they know I have not cheated or anything. They know about the escorts. They know I was at the hospital every day while he was in hospital.

I saw past his disfigurement and I have forgiven him and am trying to rebuild the marriage. Instead they are treating me and my daughter like this.

notanan2 Thu 27-Sep-18 22:09:41

Do you know first hand that they know about the prostitutes?

Have you actually heard then say they know?

MissAdventure Thu 27-Sep-18 22:10:52

Do you love your husband?
It seems a bit blunt to ask, but its just that its a good place to start to work on a solution.

Grannyknot Thu 27-Sep-18 22:33:53

ScornedDIL I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but are you okay with providing such a high level of detail on a public forum that anyone can read?


ScornedDIL Thu 27-Sep-18 22:43:28

Yes, I was there when he phoned them.

Thanks for the privacy warning. I’ve changed a few details e.g. it wasn’t the Cotswolds, but Wales for example.

I think I do love him, but regardless, I nearly had a breakdown myself when my other relationship ended and to go through that again would kill me.

notanan2 Thu 27-Sep-18 22:48:46

So you heard him talking on/to the phone. Thats not quite the same thing as knowing that they know.

He managed to engineer a second life for long enough so I am sorry but that qualifies him to easily orchestrate a fake call or keep talking after they have hung up etc.

MissAdventure Thu 27-Sep-18 22:49:01

Have they always been blinkered as far as your husbands behaviour is concerned?
They sound selfish to me, I have to say, and its really for your husband to show them that you and he are united in trying to fix things.
They're adding extra stress to the situation.

notanan2 Thu 27-Sep-18 22:54:43

He is a very clever man.

He has done something horrible to you and has got you stressing about how awful his parents are instead.

Are you both having regular STD testing now?

jeanie99 Fri 28-Sep-18 01:29:55

My heart goes out to you at this very stressful time.
I can only comment on what I think I would do in your circumstances.
Ask yourself
Do you love this man and do you believe he loves you and your daughter.
If the answer is no but you care for him and believe you could make the relationship good again then give it a try.
If the answer is no then make plans to walk away.
If the answer is yes then it is worth trying
In the mix of all this is your daughter who is probably so upset herself not knowing if grandma and grandad love her any more which is a terrible thing for his parents to do to a child.
As for the parents and sister if they choose to ignore you and your daughter when you are completely innocent in this they are not worth a moment of your time.
Your husband sounds a weak man knowing you are being blamed for something he created.
Can you in all honestly live with this?
The most precious things in our life as a mother are our children. I personally would not allow anyone to upset my child, your daughter does not benefit from his parents being in her life, don't spend another moment giving then a thought .
I would try making life for you and your daughter and husband (if that works out) better for you all fill it with fun and put the rest behind you.
In life you cannot force people to like you but that's ok you can find people to be friends with who do.

thanik Fri 28-Sep-18 08:26:14

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FlexibleFriend Fri 28-Sep-18 09:12:54

I suspect the story your Husband has told his parents is nothing like the story you're telling us. It sounds as though they believe he is the wronged party and not yourself. Honestly I can't get s=get my head around parents that go on holiday when their Son is having a nervous breakdown. They don't sound like very caring parents to me. So ignore them you don't need this nonsense in your life. As for your husband , only you know how you feel about him and the things he's done, so only you can say what you feel and what you should do.

sodapop Fri 28-Sep-18 09:19:58

I agree with notanan2.

However I do feel the issue of your husband's birth mark looms large in your mind. I understand its felt that this is the cause of some problems but there are a lot of issues to be addressed.

notanan2 Fri 28-Sep-18 14:04:56

I think he is playing both parties. Keeping you separate by telling each party how awful the other is.

I suspect that if you werent both so convinced by his stories of the other, and got together to compare notes, he would be in serious trouble.

Right now he can do what he likes to you and his family then deflect all anger away from himself onto the other party.

notanan2 Fri 28-Sep-18 14:11:11

His stories about his parents don't add up. I don't see that the family that took him in while he licked his wounds after a split are the same family that would turn their back on his psychiatric crisis IF they really knew as much about it as he convinced you they did.

Also, put yourself in his shoes: if his family were so cold to childhood and so uncaring to him in a crisis, would you want to live with them after a split? I think not!

My feelings on this is that you only know the tip of the iceburg re his bad behaviour & that he has been doing more than you know and blaming things on you to his parents.

notanan2 Fri 28-Sep-18 14:15:41

"Honey, I put your physical and mental health at risk by sleeping with other people, but dont blame me, its not my fault, I had to to it because my awful parents gave me issues. It had nothing to do with me ENJOYING it and not caring enough about you, honest! I'm the real victim here not you....."


notanan2 Fri 28-Sep-18 14:18:52

I DO believe some couples can overcome infidelity and it is the right thing to do in some relationships, but it can only work if people take full responsibility for their actions. Unlike your OH.

Situpstraight1 Sat 29-Sep-18 11:25:06

If you love him then you will do all it takes to make the marriage work and you’ll accept that he has awful parents and family and all the pain he has put you and your daughter through.

If you don’t love him, then walk away, in fact, run. But write a letter to his parents telling them exactly what he has done and post it to them yourself.

Only you know the answer, upheaval is necessary to get rid of this man, if that’s what you want.

paddyann Sat 29-Sep-18 12:26:20

do his family think you haven't given him the right kind of support?You seem very eager to tell of his birthmark and his issues with it.People /families often deal with these things differently.I have a friend whose daughter was born deaf,they wouldn't let her learn sign language as they didn't want her "labelled" .Try to look at it from their side.Write to them and ask for an explanation of your treatment and where they think you went wrong with their son.
Can I add that my OH had a nervous breakdown in the 80's ,his parents didn't get involved at all in it,not because they didn't love him simply because they didn't know how to cope with it.Even when he was on the mend and I senthim three thousand miles away to stay with his best friend they didn't help me with my child or business .They were in every other way at every other time there when needed .

Nonnie Sat 29-Sep-18 13:03:52

I wonder if you think he owes you something for taking him on with his birthmark? Why is that something you mention twice?

I wouldn't let anyone harm my child, no matter what their relationship is.

It feels to me as if we are only getting part of this story. Can you put yourself in their shoes and see it from their point of view. Yes, some parents will stand up for their children no matter what they do but then why not be good to their child's spouse if that is what the child wants? No, there is more to this.

Starlady Sat 29-Sep-18 13:16:02

Scorned, my heart goes out to you! After all you've been through, I can't believe your ils are angry at you for being "rude." If that's what it's truly about, then, I'm afraid you're apology may have sounded more like an attempt to excuse your rudeness than a true apology. You might want to try again, by simply apologizing for the rude remarks or tone and letting them know it won't happen again (if you're sure it won't).

Nothing is an excuse for their cutting out your dd, however. She was innocent in all this and that's cruel of them to do. But maybe a sincere and simple apology will change that, too.

I'm not convinced this is just about rudeness, though, so even a simple apology may not get results (worth a try, though, imo). I suspect their attitude is, "We accepted her dd as if she were our own gd - and then she turned around and kicked our ds out of the house! He went back to her, but we're never accepting her again - or her dd!" In fact, if the new apology doesn't work, that will prove that there's something else behind the co.

But, to me, your main problem is with your h. He needs to either tell them to treat you and your dd properly or refuse to attend events, etc. without the two of you. If he can't do any of that, then, imo, you need to get back into counseling. And he may need individual counseling to see why he's so afraid of his dad and, perhaps, learn to be stronger. Only he can decide to do that though.

I hate to ask this, but are you sure he is no longer frequenting prostitutes? Or that he didn't while you were living apart?I understand (though don't condone) his doing it while he was single, but why continue once he was married? There could be some sort of sex addiction involved? Has he sought any help for that?

Starlady Sat 29-Sep-18 13:17:42

I hope I didn't make it sound as if cutting out your dd was "okay" for any reason. It's not, and your ils should be ashamed of themselves. But I'm sure they don't see that.