Trivial problem

Come on Alexa. Where are you? Have you told him yet? Gosh these forums are so frustrating - it is like endlessly reading the first chapter or two of a novel and never reading the rest!!

Our children would never touch anything of ours without being asked to do so or asking us if we would like them to do anything. I would make it crystal clear to your son that if he touches anything again you will do something similar to as many of his things as you can possibly get your hands on!
I really don't understand this shaping of trees into weird shapes like umbrellas. Most of my nonagenarian neighbours have so called gardeners who have tortured their trees in this manner. I will be so pleased when my hedge has grown high enough so that I can no longer see them. Grr!

As for the little mats I would ask your son if he is trying to bump you off!

Badly pruned trees are an eyesore.

I had a neighbour who inherited a beautiful weeping cherry when he moved in next door. It is supposed to droop, looked beautiful covered in pink blossom and swayed and rustled as the wind passed through it. He in his wisdom cut it right back, into an umbrella shape. It looked hideous but tidiness was his aim. He was not a gardener. He attacked all the mature trees and turned them into lollipop heads. So, so wrong.

I'd take the shears to my son if he attacked my trees for no good reason.

Hello fellow tree lover-
If this were happening to me what I would do is tie messages written on little tags to some of the tree branches- eg.
My owner loves the way I look right now,
I bleed and cry when I am cut,
Wow my branches are beautiful and do not need clipping
The birds love to perch on my slender branches
Don't cut off my branches
or just simply
Stop it with the cutting or I'll cut you out my will!

I with icanhandthemback. I think it is an example of passive aggression or a man trying to control you by killing you with kindness. He knows what is best for you and in the kindest way he is going to insist that you do it.

The nice helpful persona is a way of making it difficult for you to object to what he is doing 'But Mum, I am only trying to help you'.

It is difficult to deal with people playing this little game, but you have to tell him firmly and in no uncertain terms that next time you catch him doing any of the things he knows full well you do not want done you will sanction him in some way, ban him from the house for a month, if you think that would work. Still see him, but just not at home. You know him best, so best know what the right sanction would be.

Someone like this is as controlling and bullying as any overtly aggressive man, who ends up in court. Just a bit more clever and hiding his aggression behind a smiling face. Hhe must be faced up to and made to stop this controlling behaviour before it escalates.

And whatever you do , do not have his name on any power of attorney.

I think you have unfortunately hit a man who knows better than a woman – even if she is his mother.

I just don’t understand how anyone’s adult child would just start doing a job without any discussion it sounds so strange to me I feel I m easy going with my adult children but none of them would dream of doing a job for me without discussion first or me asking them
I also thinks it very much sounds as if he has OCD
Come back Alexa and tell us more
Is he out of work and needs to feel useful ?
Is he a control freak ? Does he usually walk rough shod over peoples expressed views or is he totally unaware that he might be doing it all wrong

If someone deliberately goes against one's express wishes they are not being a 'caring' person. No amount of fudge about how sweet they really are cuts it with me. Doing something someone has expressly asked you not to do is self-centred and UNcaring. It's saying "I know better than you what you need." So... patronising as well.

Sock it to him, alexa! Stop putting up with it. You deserve his respect.

Alexa, your ds sounds like a very caring man, but also like someone who has a need to take care of people - the way he sees fit. I think the time for"asking" and "explaining " is over. I would TELL him VERY FIRMLY not to prune my trees. Make it clear it's YOUR property, NOT HIS. And I would remove the mats, maybe even discard them if they are dangerous for you. But I wouldn't simply "put them away" because he might just take them out again. Instead, I would toss them out.

I like stree's suggestions about driving home the point about the trees. Also, if you generally do them, yourself, you might try telling him he's taking the pleasure away from you of caring for your own trees. But idk if that would make an impression on him or not.

He might be a nice man and a good son, but he is doing the wrong thing and you are not stopping him !

Putting little mats around the place are a terrible safety hazard as you get older - I was a falls expert in my previous job and "little mats" kill people ! A bad fall can fracture your hip and that is the beginning of the end for many people.

Tell him to back off and stop ignoring your requests.

You could tell him that you like your trees as they are, but would he mind doing something about the ivy

Has he got OCD and therefore cant help this behavior?

My OH lops everything in sight when it's the green bin week, regardless of whether it's necessary. The objective seems to be to fill the bin......

Quite familiar to me Alexa. My brother, who does have a very beautiful garden himself, wanted to help get mine into shape.

Last time I let him loose he mowed over a little rose bush I had been carefully tending . When I protested, he denied there ever was a rose bush!

We definitely have different styles of gardening. He thinks mine is untidy. He's what I call a bare earth gardener who prefers to see bare earth rather than ground cover.
If it were my son I think I would just speak my mind especially with the mat.
I'm still annoyed by some tree pruning done by a professional tree surgeon at great expense.

Am thinking..has he maybe got OCD?

Alexa
I can't understand people who can't run their own lives. Do you just look on helplessly and go with the flow, even when he does stuff you object to? It sounds as if you're a doormat.
If you can't or won't assert yourself then nothing we say will change your son. Unbelievable.

Send him round to me. There is nothing in my garden that doesn't need a trim!

DS weeded out all my carefully planted aster plants.
I tend to be an over-enthusiastic pruner.

No-one would touch my garden twice unless I gave specific instructions. DH even if I pointed out clumps of plants & said leave those alone they're not weeds would dig them up. He was banned from weeding except under my strict supervision

You do need to be firm with DS & tell him not to touch

Find an internet page by an expert explaining how to trim your trees and send it to him.

My Mum's partner is a "nice" man whom everyone loves but he is like your son...it doesn't make it any more irritating. It is a form of passive aggression if you ask somebody not to do something and they continue to nicely do so. Be appreciative about his help by all means but be assertive about things that aren't helpful.

He sounds alarmingly like my partner, who does things like move the mat outside the back door several inches away from the door itself, so that you step out only half onto it and risk going flying. After 15 years in this house, I finally lost my rag the other day and tore the elastic band off the plug in the kitchen sink so that water actually stays in the sink instead of leaching away all the time. He was so shocked at my finally taking a stand that he’s left it like that. I’m tempted now to try it out on a few more of the weird things he does. : )

Oh yes he is very nice as are most of our DSs but you're still his DM and he needs telling! Touch MY trees at your peril.

Is he an horticulturist? if not tell him to leave things alone.

morningdew