AIBU for being angry?

In thinking more about your dilemma.... have you considered calling an ambulance for your MIL (preferably when partner is not in the house)? When emergency crew arrives and they see how emaciated and unwell she is, they will very likely transport her to hospital without delay. In hospital, social workers will get involved and ask questions about her home situation. With her out of the house, you will have the unique opportunity to extricate yourself from your situation with zero obligation.

With you out of the picture, your partner will have no choice but to assume his rightful responsibility. My guess is he can't or won't take care of her either, so a nursing home is the best option there is. There she'll get the medical attention she needs, be surrounded by carers 24/7 and enjoy the company of other elderly people like herself. You would be doing her a tremendous service and freeing yourself, as well.

Can’t you see your own GP and discuss that caring for your MiL is too much for you and ask what they recommend or if they can back you up?

Then it will be ok to say it’s too much for your health to care for her at home?

Thankyou Bluebelle .

CrazyH if you read the posts you will see original poster changed their name because it was too close to another poster she is now Impossiblyblonde

You need to stand up for yourself. Why on earth have you moved onto an air bed in the lounge?? Take back your bedroom. A partner being unhappy with you seeing a male doctor is really concerning TBH and a huge red flag. Please be careful.

OP I feel tremendous sympathy for you - I have been in a similar situation. You are being exploited and abused by very clever and manipulative people. You should not blame yourself for this at all. It can happen to anyone. Probably happens to the nicest and kindest people, because they are so helpful to others.

If you go on the Quora website
www.quora.com and search for narcissists
and see what is posted there you may well find lots of help. I read the posts time and time again even though I have escaped from my controlling partner. You will read about people who have escaped from controlling partners and some who are still trying to escape. You will learn how to put yourself first. And how important that is.

You CAN gradually build yourself back up again, You know you're resourceful because you came on gransnet and you put your case very eloquently. I can tell that you are trying to survive this situation but don't feel able to do much.

My main concern for you - apart from escaping from these two - is that if anything should happen to MIL you will be blamed as it is VERY unlikely that either of them will accept any responsibility.

It's very important that you flag the situation up with SS or the medical profession. At the earliest opportunity state that you are not in the best of health yourself but you are doing your very best but you know it is still not enough given your MIL's poor appetite and health. Impress on them that her health is at risk if she stays at home with you as her only carer. “At risk” is a clarion call to the professionals who will have to document that you said this to them.

You have many people here rooting for you. Let us know how it goes. Hugs.

We are certainly rooting for you, but I am sure true friends have disappeared over the years due to isolation.

Who is Impossible B? Don't get it.
What I do get is the OP is an impossible situation. What an awful mi.l. and such a domineering partner. Is he living in the dark ages? What does he think male Doctors are there for? To pounce on all female patients? I don't think so. He seems very insecure and downright nasty. How you put up with him and his awful mother, I don't know. Wish you all the best, but some serious decisions have to be made.

I feel so sorry for you, Impossible Blonde. You seem very depressed and I’m not surprised. As you are so poorly yourself, you definitely shouldn’t be trying to look after somebody else and certainly not sleeping on the floor on an air-bed. You seem to have lost all your self-confidence and feel unable to stand up to your partner (husband?) Do you have any other friends/family who could look after you for a bit for a change. It sounds as if you need a bit of tlc and pampering yourself and time to think carefully about your situation without having to look after this difficult old lady. She needs an ultimatum, as does your other half, that things have got to change as you are too ill ourself to cope any more. Good luck! We are all rooting for you!

"impossible Blonde" you are being mistreated by everyone - your partner and his mother, aided and abetted by Social Services, who will let you run yourself into the ground rather than spend any of their budget supporting you. You have to think about your own health, both mental and physical, and the point will come, where enough is enough ( though I suspect you are already there) and you have to dig your heels in and say that you are not prepared to look after her and if necessary go and stay with friends or relatives to get you outside the situation. Your partner will then either have to get his finger out or get social services to sort things out. IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

Would you consider leaving your partner? He sounds toxic and controlling. And his mother as others have said, could go into a home or be responsible for starving herself to death! Her choices are not your reesponsibility. I know it can be frightening setting out on your own after years in a relationship, but do you really want to spend the rest of your days with such an uncaring - towards you - and dominating partner?

Sorry, I have only read the first page of this thread so hope I'm not repeating verbatim what others have said.

It seems to me that both your husband and your mother in law are controlling you. Which doctor you see is none of your husband's business but it seems that you have yielded to his demands in the past and it's probably difficult now to put your foot down.

I find it quite incredible that you are, in effect, your mother in law's main carer, with very little input from her son. Of course you want to help but I think what appears to be expected of you is totally unreasonable, especially given your own health problems.

Would it help to speak to your GP and ask for some counselling sessions? This may help you to see all these issues more clearly and gain the confidence to tell your husband and his mother that this situation cannot continue because your own physical and mental health is being put at risk. Other avenues need to be explored - residential care, day centre care, paying for help in the home, etc. etc. but the first step is to develop the confidence to tell the two people involved that you are not willing for the present arrangement to continue.

It would be helpful for you to ask SS for a carers assessment for yourself. This is a right that all carers now have. This should make it clear what support you need eg respite care for mil etc.

I feel so sorry for you, you should be having a life not being dictated to by oh and mil, is.there a friend or relative you cou!d at least say with for a night or two to.recharge your batteries, you are going to.be the poorly one here and then your oh would.have two ladies to look after.
Is there a women's centre or carers association you could join and then you could.talk to other people going through similar situations. Your oh is being so unreasonable he needs to learn to cook for his.!other and ultimately you will have to stand up to both of.them,I know.it's not easy but they cannot dictate to you when you are unwell and such a giving person.
I wish I could help. Xx

Did i read this correctly you are sleeping in your lounge whilst she is in your bed? I understand this lady is ill but so are you and she needs more care than you can give I think you should look after yourself and let them get on with it .

Please come back and tell us your thoughts, in your own time.

You're being used and taken for granted, maybe better not to tell her anything. Your choice about the doctor, no one else's business who you see.

If these two are so ungrateful I'd be shunting the mother in law home, and telling her son to go and look after her himself.

That sounds like a very good solution - that would leave you with your home all to yourself ImpossibleB!

Although I do think that your partner's mother should be in hospital then in a care or nursing home as she sounds incapable of looking after herself.

They’re ”Avin a Larf”, both of them and using you. Do you love this man? Really? Or just staying with him because you don’t see an alternative?

I right in thinking your local library should have contact details for Women’s Aid and/or your local Women’s Refuge? Going through the library wouldn’t be obvious - even using the computers there - wouldn’t be obvious so your partner wouldn’t know. Just talking to them and knowing you have some way of getting away will make you feel more confident and secure.

Ooops, first sentence was supposed to be What a traitorous, trouble stirring woman she is. She's achieved exactly what she set out to do - drive a wedge between you and your partner. If he doesn't see that, he's a fool.

I'm with Luckygirl. No one should be controlling you like these two are. You are treated how you allow people to treat you. If these two are so ungrateful I'd be shunting the mother in law home, and telling her son to go and look after her himself.

What a traitorous You need to look after number one now, Sue. You can continue to 'suck it up' and they will continue to use you. Speaking up for yourself is not enough, nothing will change. You have to refuse to look after her any more and stick to it.

You mention that your MIL still has her own house - for the sake of your health, could you sleep there some of the time? It would also keep the house aired and ready for her return if that did become possible in the future.
Secondly, is there a local carers group that you could join? It might be useful to discuss your situation with others in the same boat.

Sorry if you think this is blunt, but f8bd somewhere t9 live, quietly, packup and move on. You’re be8ng used and abused! D9 you really want this situation to go on!

I’d be long gone! Your mil is an 7ngrateful s...t stirring insensible selfish c...w.

Do it! Just get out before you bed u0 with a stroke o4 heart attack.

First of all well done for changing your name
Sorry for these next questions but they are important
Are you married?
Do you love this man ?
Whose house is it?
Do you have family or friends you can confide in ?

You have to accept you are in a very abusive relationship You cannot continue and your mother in law at 3.5 stone needs hospitalising as soon as possible in my opinion
You won’t lose any friends by leaving as you say they are all his and they don’t bother with you anyway
You say if you leave it ll just be four walls and lonliness but it will be freedom, rest, and a chance to make a life and friends of your own
I think you need a) to see the doctor, you are so depressed and oppressed and b) take a complete break for a few days to clear your head and work out the next move
We are your virtual friends for now, you will make real friends too given a chance You sound a really nice lady look how you handled the name change thing you acted immediately and positively
Please look after you now, you are worth it