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AIBU for being angry?

(160 Posts)
Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 14:13:47

My partner and I are looking after his elderly mother who can do very little for herself at the moment. I wash her, dress her, cut up her food as well as everything else she 'orders'. I have made myself ill looking after her, we sleep on an air bed in the lounge whilst she has our bed and I have a chronic pain condition called reflex sympathetic dystrophy which is causing me a great deal of pain. I was taken to hospital myself a couple of weeks ago because of it but quickly discharged myself after a scan and some more tests as she had nobody else to look after her (she will not allow my partner to dress her which is understandable)

I received a phone call from the surgery to ask me to make an appointment because the Dr wanted to discuss the results of my scan. I made the appointment and it wasn't until later I realised that the Dr I was seeing was male (my partner is a bit weird about me seeing a male dr). I discussed it with my mother-in-law and she said I should just not tell him about it not being a female Dr, the Dr wasn't going to examine me, just discuss the results and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I agreed and didn't tell him because it was easier than trying to change the appointment, yet when I arrived at the Drs I received angry texts from my partner as she told him about the male Dr as soon as I left.

This has caused massive arguments between my partner and I and I admit I told him she was just causing trouble and 'stiring it' which has understandably made him even more angry.

I will be honest I am at the point I don't want to look after her now. I get no thanks from her whatsowver, she just sits there expecting everything to be done for her. Before this betrayal I didn't mind too much about the lack of gratitude but now I wonder why I made myself so ill for her when she acts like this.

Am I being unreasonable, should I just 'suck it up and get on with it?

Luckygirl Tue 30-Oct-18 14:22:05

Two people are out of order here: your partner for controlling who you seek medical advice from; and your "MIL" for betraying your confidence.

Are you sure you want to be with this controlling man? - let alone his mother?

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 14:24:05

I agree lucky girl, it is a question I ask myself often. sad

Hermia46 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:26:07

So sorry to hear about your problem with your partner's mother. It very much sounds as if you are being run around mercilessly by her whilst your partner does what? Undoubtedly you have run out of steam and it is not surprising. Is there any external support you could access. In the same situation with an extremely fractious/ungrateful husband I resorted to counselling earlier this year to cope with the feelings of anger and resentment. The knowledge that I had done this made him mend his ways...although he is still very very tetchy. You need someone to unload to so you can restore your sanity. I hope so much that you can sort this out so that you benefit and your partner and his mother learn how much they have pushed you. flowers

GrannyGravy13 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:28:13

You are entitled to see whatever medical practioner you like whether they be male or female.

muffinthemoo Tue 30-Oct-18 14:31:28

The thing that troubles me most in your post is your partner “forbidding” you to see male doctors.

Sue, is this the only thing he is “weird” about? Are there other “rules” you are supposed to obey?

grandtanteJE65 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:33:21

Can you not get help looking after your MIL? She may not want "outside" help, but no-one will thank you if you run yourself into the ground looking after her.

Surely you must be entitled to some form of home help? Perhaps you should ask CAB what you or your MIL is entitled to.

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 14:41:10

I do feel that this betrayal from her is the straw that broke the camel's back. My partner does try to help out with his mother and he does the things like getting her medication and taking her to appointments etc but you are right I do most of the care giving.

There is no help out there anymore, my partner organised help to come in via SS but his mother cancelled it because she didn't 'want to get up early for them'... SS will not help apart from helping get her up and ready for the day and possibly getting her to bed but as she has refused this we/I have to do it. She has an eating disorder and refuses to eat anything other than the food I cook for her (I have learned over the years what she will eat and what she won't eat). Her weight is just over 4st (she is very short but it is still dangerously underweight). I feel like I can't walk away because I worry that if I do she will actually starve herself.

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 14:49:26

By the way I do actually realise I am being manipulated by her but she is stubborn enough to starve herself. Last year her weight went down to 3st 7lb because she refused to eat anything until she was admitted into hospital.

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Oct-18 15:01:01

I don't think you should be making yourself ill and stressed looking after her, particularly as you have to sleep on an airbed.

You need to have a Conversation. If she is unable to care for herself would it be a good idea for your partner and her to think about looking for a suitable home - you could visit her regularly.

I wouldn't like anyone telling me which doctor I could or could not see about my own health.

M0nica Tue 30-Oct-18 15:09:11

You need to talk to both of them and spell out the situation. Tell your partner that he does not and is not to control your life and his mother that you cannot cope with looking after her anymore because of your own health problems and that she must accept outside care or manage without.

If she chooses to starve herself that is her independent action and she must accept the consequences. Do not give way to this emotional blackmail, because that is what this is.

If they refuse to accept that they cannot treat you as a skivvy anymore. Move out, either until they come to their senses, or you move on anyway.

eazybee Tue 30-Oct-18 15:19:05

I would be very angry with a partner who 'is a bit weird about me seeing a male doctor.' Angry texts, massive arguments, because you are receiving medical help for illness. His mother does not seem to be of sound mind. He presumably is.

Seriously, get out of there now NOW, and get away from both of them before they cause you more harm.

Nonnie Tue 30-Oct-18 15:24:02

I agree with*MOnica*. You cannot live in this blackmailing situation. There comes a point when you own health must take precedence, you will be no use to her if you end up in hospital.

Moving out probably sounds very daunting, I understand that but could you talk about respite care? If they won't accept that, can you get away on your own for at least a week? If you are not there they will at least get to understand just how much you do and perhaps realise you need help.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Oct-18 15:25:51

What a situation!
You poor woman, you must be at your wits end with it all.
I'm afraid I would sort out carers to see to his mum; they are able to sort out a care package for people with mental health problems besides being just physically frail.
She could either take it or leave it - her choice.
Then I (if I were you) I would tackle my husband.

Luckygirl Tue 30-Oct-18 15:26:19

Is there a reason why you are unable to stand up to your partner and simply tell him that you are a grown adult and will seek medical advice wherever you choose? What is it that holds you back from taking control of your own life?

I suppose I am worried that his behaviour might be violent or seriously manipulative. There are ways out of this, so please do not think that you have to continue to tolerate this.

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 15:27:08

I agree with all of the above responses, however it is much easier to say walk away than it actually is. I fear I have been ' programmed' into staying and putting her first all of the time. It's hard to break free of that programming, I can't explain it. If I were giving advice to someone else in this situation no question I would tell them to leave asap.

She refuses to go into a home, he refuses to make her go. I guess the choices are I stay out of a sense of duty and misplaced loyalty or I leave and feel guilty for doing it.

paddyann Tue 30-Oct-18 15:39:43

you have to speak to social services ,this situation is unacceptable .If your OH cant or wont take care of his mother and you're ill then she has to have at least a few weeks in a care home to let you recover .Anyone can see that ...even your husband if he thinks about it .If they wont agreee to that then book yourself a week or two away ,doesn't have to be far just far enough to let you think clearly .Take care of yourself or you wont be able to care for anyone else

Chewbacca Tue 30-Oct-18 15:42:44

Sue don't feel guilty for doing what's best for you. You can be a good person, with a kind heart, and still say no.

eazybee Tue 30-Oct-18 15:44:13

I seriously think you are at risk if you stay in this situation, and your post shows you are aware of this.

EllanVannin Tue 30-Oct-18 15:49:09

A very difficult situation and also a very selfish one on the part of your partner's mother.
I would have a word with her GP and explain about her behaviour as apart from being totally unfair on yourself she herself sounds as though she needs assessing for her mental health. Either way this situation can't go on because it's the carer who suffers most,which is yourself.

lemongrove Tue 30-Oct-18 16:12:34

Is this a cultural thing Sue?
Many Asian men refuse to allow wives to see a male doctor, and also tend to put their mothers on a pedestal.
Plead illness yourself ( it’s real anyway, you wouldn’t be pretending) and go to your own home to sleep.
This MIL is running rings round you!

starbird Tue 30-Oct-18 16:14:14

Is your husband from another culture? I understand that to some people a woman seeing a male doctor, especially alone, is not acceptable. I assume there are no other relatives to help, or anywhere for them to stay even if they were willing. Are you in your MIL ‘s house? Is your husband tied by his family traditions and would lose the respect of his family abd friends if you stopped caring for his mother.? Could you arrange to see a female doctor and take your husband along so that he understands about your illness? Does your MIL see a doctor? If there are other members of your husband’s family around, can he ask them for a family consultation tovfind a way forward? Even if it is difficult, you have to be more assertive and put your own health first. You will not be able to help anybody if you are not well yourself. Even if your mother MIL moves out, or has carers you can still cook her food and take it to her. I wish you luck in a difficult situation.
At least can’t you afford a bed for the lounge?

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 16:36:07

Four stone!?!?!

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 16:38:49

Down to three and a half stone and still alive!?!?!?!

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 16:39:51

An adult woman?!?