AIBU for being angry?

Ok, so I changed my name because of the confusion. I am sorry about the name, I thought I was being a bit clever with the pseudonym thing. Of course it blew up in my face like every little thing I try to do.
No, it's not your fault ImpossibleB - if you're new you wouldn't know that your name was nearly the same as another poster's. It should be flagged up when you choose a name, but perhaps it was just different enough for the algorithm not to work.

It is very useful and convenient for them both that you re there and willing to take such care of your partner's mother.

However, your own health is your priority; if you have been manipulated then you will have to learn to start thinking about yourself and for yourself. No-one is going to do it for you.

Decide what you want to do in the long-term and start making plans quietly.

Good luck.

Do you have any friends? ( I mean that kindly)

ImpossibleBlonde Your dilemma is unforgiveable. You are being abused in the most obnoxious fashion by two individuals who have as good as groomed you, and will continue to take advantage of you for as long as they believe they have a right to subject you to a very sad and lonely life. I feel like crying out - ENOUGH! - on your behalf. You deserve to live your life on your terms. You have made the crucial first step. You have shared your distress with Gransnetters who have given you sound advice. Surely the time is right for you to take another important step. Go to your doctor, (you do NOT need permission) and tell him/her all that you have shared with us. If I could hug you, I most certainly would.

ImpossibleB Having read your comment regarding only being allowed to see a female doctor, plus the other controlling behaviours of your partner, may I suggest that you look this up: Pathological jealousy, also known as Morbid jealousy, Othello syndrome or delusional jealousy

Oh Impossibleblonde, what a horrible time you are having. But you are not the first and unfortunately you will not be the last abused woman who is left friendless. That is something nearly all abusive men have in common, they set out to separate their victim from their friends and family so that, like you, when the victim want to leave, they have nowhere to go.

Enrol in the Freedom Programme . It can be done online, but there should be a course near you and that would be even better.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. What you describe amounts to 'indentured slavery'. Cultural behavior or not, your partner is not doing right by you or his mother ...and he certainly doesn't have the right to force you into doing anything you don't want to do.

Both you and your MIL need more help and resources than one person alone can provide...her health is in danger too.

Consider contacting a Social Worker at the hospital and telling her/him everything you've just told us.

The phrase to use is: “I am unable to do this today. I am feeling unwell.”

I know how difficult it is to make that big step - walking away. Practice with little steps of saying NO by saying: Today I don’t feel well enough to cook a meal. “DH could you please cook or buy a ready meal/take away. “. The next day you are not able to take her to the hospital because you are not feeling well. Every day there is at least one daily chore you can’t do leaving it to DH to sort. Next week there will be two chores/duties you delegate and the following week you take off a half day and take yourself to bed or the doctor or some help you seek. Whittle it slowly down to 50% leaving 50% to your DH. If you should collapse tomorrow and admitted to hospital your DH would either have to step up his part in caring or get someone in to help. It is just that you are the cheapest and most convenient servant. NOONE is irreplaceable. Life always goes on.

I remember a female doctor in a practice I was registered with announcing very biblically one day that she was gay. She was married to a male doctor in the practice and had 2 children. The women were in upraw about it as she had examined then. A doctor is a doctor and anyway all surgeries offer a chaperone if you have to be examined. Anyway I think you need to get away from these horrible controlling people. Your health comes first....

Whilst she is sleeping in your bed, go to her house and sleep. Then stay there until they sort it out, it doesn’t sound as though you are married? Let them sort it out between them. If they want you back lay down some rules, you know what you need to do and if you don’t help yourself nobody else can. You have to be strong.

Tell your partner he must take over the care role (other than the dressing) or tell your MiL to sort out private carers/caterers using her own finances (she's getting lodgings and use of your facilities free). She may need to rent out her own property, if necessary, and then take yourself off to family or friends to recuperate for a while to decide what you want for the future.

It wouldn't matter to me if it was a witch doctor. I couldn't/wouldn't be responsible watching someone fading away before my eyes. It's not human.

My last comment sounds as if you should help her dress. I meant that if you feel that you have to, stopping altogether would be better if you can. People will take advantage if they can.

I absolutely agree with the previous posts. You are being mercilessly bullied it seems by both your partner and MIL. You must look to your own health and well being. I am sorry that you find yourself in such an awful and difficult situation but you must try and stand up for yourself. ?

I think that I would start with telling your husband that you are not going to do anything more for your MIL than helping her to dress. It is understandable that she won't let her son help with that but you have listed a lot more than that.
It sounds to me that you are being bullied. Your husband should have been concerned about what the scan revealed, not who gave you the information.
There comes a time when you have to put your own health first and you could use that as an excuse (not that you should need to) to cut down on what you do for your MIL. If she or your husband objects, tell them that you will have to contact adult social services (it might be an idea to do that anyway).
It is very difficult when you are one against two but hopefully you will find the strength to stand up to them. Good luck.

I think your partner AND his mother need psychological help.and i have to ask- when he takes her to appts- is SHE 'allowed' to see male drs,or is that rule only for you?

To those who say, just walk out - it's not that simple. I asked earlier, who does the house belong to? It sounds as if the MiL has her own house elsewhere.
Also - maybe I'm old fashioned but I always ask to see a female doctor for anything 'intimate'.

Jzpap - I agree. If no friend or relative possible - Premier Inn or whatever - for 4 days minimum. For you - a rest and some thinking time. For them - chance to think about how they are treating you and what they want for the future. (Just an aside - is he allowed to see a lady doctor?). Do not go home and carry on with renewed energy as if nothing was wrong. As it is clear nobody is putting you and your health/feelings/ etc first - YOU have to do it. As you say you can't go on like this. There is no real alternative is there - you are already finding its having an effect on your health. On a more cheerful tack - I had something like this years ago. Afterwards, I wished I'd been louder sooner - husband meant no harm just had not noticed how far round the bend I was with strain. Now is helpful and considerate - feels rather odd to be treated kindly. People can and do learn even late in life.

Stop reading gransnet. Go to your wardrobe, pack a bag and walk out of the house. Stay with a friend or another relative. You have choices. If you don’t want to be in the situation you’ve found yourself in (let’s face it who would?) you need to do something about it. You are an adult and you have the power to change things for the better. The worst thing about all this is your partners behaviour over seeing a male Doctor. Good luck

Are you and your partner actually married? If not she is not your Mother In Law. You have no responsibility for her whatsoever. Your partner and his mum are TOTALLY AND UTERLY SELFISH. You have to be a bit more selfish and take care of yourself. Good Luck xx

This man is a control freak. The mother treats you like a slave. She is not your respobsibility but that of your son. If you can, get out of the relationships, put the old lady in a home where she can be cared for by professionals, but maybe you live in her house, then it's a matter of getting out.

Suedomin While you continue to give others will take
Life is give and take and very clear in your situation who is doing all the 'giving'.This is the 21c not the dark ages ,me Tarzan you Jane, so look after yourself and get back to your doctor, male or female, no one says because you are a female you can only be examined by a female. You are being controlled and it is up to you to put a stop to it .Get help before it gets completely out of your control.

There are so many issues here that it's impossible to address them in a forum like this.
You are a victim of mental abuse, possibly physical abuse as well. You need to try and remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible. You mention that you realise that you've been 'programmed' and that you are being manipulated, plus you've opened up on this forum. Those are important first steps to regaining your freedom.
Can you try to leave the house for an hour or two, go for a coffee with a friend, visit the library or hairdressers? Speak to Social Services and your doctor about your health, your concerns for your MIL and how you feel. Try talking to your husband in a calm neutral manner, (if he is approachable) about your health and your concerns for his mother.
Whatever you do, don't put yourself in a worse position than you are now. If violence is involved, get out, take your clothes and personal items and leave. There are refuges that will help you.
If you decide to stay, please look after yourself and make you and your health a priority.
Ýes, it's easy for us to say, leave, stand up for yourself, it's wrong etc but some of us have been in similar situations, understand where you are, and have come through. It is a very, very hard decision to walk away, I did it with my family. It was the hardest and the best thing I ever did.
Stay strong and stay true to yourself.

Just a thought Impossibleblonde could you take yourself off to your MIL’s place for a few days rest without your partner being aware of where you were? This might give you a chance to sleep a bit more comfortably and to give you space to think about things. If your husband doesn’t work he will be there to look after his mother and if he does, he’ll have to arrange something else. You must look after yourself as it seems no one else will.

I feel sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but you have your own health to think of here as well. If your MiL is too ill and frail to look after herself and refuses to have carers in, then it does seem that residential care needs to be considered. No-one really likes the thought of it but what are the other options. You have really become her personal carer doing so much for her, and sleeping on an airbed at the expense of your own health. Time to put your foot down and say ...enough is enough.
As for your husband not liking you to see male doctors/consultants ...I am lost for words.
This time last year when I was diagnosed with cancer, back and forth to the hospital the majority of appts I had were with male consultants, radiographers etc. I was just glad that they were there to give me life saving treatment and so was my husband. Even our local GPs surgery we can never guarantee to see our own named doctor and now we have joined forces with three other surgeries in the town who you see is anyone's guess male or female. Sorry to sound unsympathetic on this issue, but I think your husband is very unreasonable over this, your own health is equally important as anyone else. Take care, I really hope hope your situation can somehow be resolved.