AIBU for being angry?

I feel that HQ should be more careful about such a strong resemblance between two names which has confused a number of us in this thread.

You're an adult, what Dr you see is up to you it has nothing to do with your partner. Why did you feel the need to discuss it with her it's none of her business either. Act like an adult and those around you might treat you like one. |If he wants to kick off let him look after her himself.

It is not a cultural thing at all he has a real hang up about male Drs being a bit well, inappropriate when examining a female. I know it's weird and I am not trying to defend it. He is controlling in many ways but I think it is possible that it is the way he was brought up by his equally controlling mother, I honestly don't think he knows how be in a normal relationship, again I am not defending his actions just trying to understand them.

Baggs, yes 3st 7lb I know it's sounds unbelievable but she is the size of a 7yr old. The nurse could hardly believe her weight when she was weighed either. She has a condition where she breaks her bones very easily and as well as being very fragile they are also very light, it's called osteo genesis imperfecta. This is why we are looking after her as she is very frail and has quite a few broken bones.

We were told last year that if she didn't put any weight on that she may not make it. After 3 months of me looking after her she put on nearly a stone and she went home to her house for a while. Then she started to lose weight again and became frail and breaking bones again and now we are in this situation.

She insists she is going to go back to her own home eventually but even if she does the cycle will just start again and we will be back here in a couple of months.

Yes - I spotted that too! Coincidence?

May I point out ( as she isn’t here) that the OP is not SueDonim but a very similar name.

My GM was that weight in her lat years. She eventually died of a pressure sore. Anyone that thin needs some careful nursing to avoid that.

" I think she needs to be in hospital." Me too.
Who does the house belong to, Sue?
That could be a complication if you do consider leaving.

Suedonim, does your MIL's GP appreciate how underweight she is? I hate to say it but all sorts of accusations of mistreatment/starvation etc, could be laid at your door if she carries on insisting you cook for her.

In my opinion you are being manipulated by both your husband and MIL. You have every right to be angry.

A stern talk with both of them is long overdue. You are the victim of emotional blackmail and control. Please look after yourself and get this situation sorted out, even if you have to become a lot more angry. My thoughts are with you.

In your position, suedonim, I'd be terrified of being accused of deliberately trying to starve her to death and I would get outside help. I think she needs to be in hospital.

Must be exceptionally tiny!

An adult woman?!?

Down to three and a half stone and still alive!?!?!?!

Four stone!?!?!

Is your husband from another culture? I understand that to some people a woman seeing a male doctor, especially alone, is not acceptable. I assume there are no other relatives to help, or anywhere for them to stay even if they were willing. Are you in your MIL ‘s house? Is your husband tied by his family traditions and would lose the respect of his family abd friends if you stopped caring for his mother.? Could you arrange to see a female doctor and take your husband along so that he understands about your illness? Does your MIL see a doctor? If there are other members of your husband’s family around, can he ask them for a family consultation tovfind a way forward? Even if it is difficult, you have to be more assertive and put your own health first. You will not be able to help anybody if you are not well yourself. Even if your mother MIL moves out, or has carers you can still cook her food and take it to her. I wish you luck in a difficult situation.
At least can’t you afford a bed for the lounge?

Is this a cultural thing Sue?
Many Asian men refuse to allow wives to see a male doctor, and also tend to put their mothers on a pedestal.
Plead illness yourself ( it’s real anyway, you wouldn’t be pretending) and go to your own home to sleep.
This MIL is running rings round you!

A very difficult situation and also a very selfish one on the part of your partner's mother.
I would have a word with her GP and explain about her behaviour as apart from being totally unfair on yourself she herself sounds as though she needs assessing for her mental health. Either way this situation can't go on because it's the carer who suffers most,which is yourself.

I seriously think you are at risk if you stay in this situation, and your post shows you are aware of this.

Sue don't feel guilty for doing what's best for you. You can be a good person, with a kind heart, and still say no.

you have to speak to social services ,this situation is unacceptable .If your OH cant or wont take care of his mother and you're ill then she has to have at least a few weeks in a care home to let you recover .Anyone can see that ...even your husband if he thinks about it .If they wont agreee to that then book yourself a week or two away ,doesn't have to be far just far enough to let you think clearly .Take care of yourself or you wont be able to care for anyone else

I agree with all of the above responses, however it is much easier to say walk away than it actually is. I fear I have been ' programmed' into staying and putting her first all of the time. It's hard to break free of that programming, I can't explain it. If I were giving advice to someone else in this situation no question I would tell them to leave asap.

She refuses to go into a home, he refuses to make her go. I guess the choices are I stay out of a sense of duty and misplaced loyalty or I leave and feel guilty for doing it.

Is there a reason why you are unable to stand up to your partner and simply tell him that you are a grown adult and will seek medical advice wherever you choose? What is it that holds you back from taking control of your own life?

I suppose I am worried that his behaviour might be violent or seriously manipulative. There are ways out of this, so please do not think that you have to continue to tolerate this.

What a situation!
You poor woman, you must be at your wits end with it all.
I'm afraid I would sort out carers to see to his mum; they are able to sort out a care package for people with mental health problems besides being just physically frail.
She could either take it or leave it - her choice.
Then I (if I were you) I would tackle my husband.

I agree with*MOnica*. You cannot live in this blackmailing situation. There comes a point when you own health must take precedence, you will be no use to her if you end up in hospital.

Moving out probably sounds very daunting, I understand that but could you talk about respite care? If they won't accept that, can you get away on your own for at least a week? If you are not there they will at least get to understand just how much you do and perhaps realise you need help.

I would be very angry with a partner who 'is a bit weird about me seeing a male doctor.' Angry texts, massive arguments, because you are receiving medical help for illness. His mother does not seem to be of sound mind. He presumably is.

Seriously, get out of there now NOW, and get away from both of them before they cause you more harm.

You need to talk to both of them and spell out the situation. Tell your partner that he does not and is not to control your life and his mother that you cannot cope with looking after her anymore because of your own health problems and that she must accept outside care or manage without.

If she chooses to starve herself that is her independent action and she must accept the consequences. Do not give way to this emotional blackmail, because that is what this is.

If they refuse to accept that they cannot treat you as a skivvy anymore. Move out, either until they come to their senses, or you move on anyway.