Would you arrive empty handed?

Either way, its not very appropriate to try and cause an upset..
Give it a rest, Gill, please.

I have not noticed you posting before GillyEB

Are you a new poster or someone returning under a new name?

GillyEB
MawBroon, you say you are not bothered on your own account, so who’s then?Perhaps the sisters and brother are feeling pressured to visit the grave,or perhaps it wasn’t the right time for them.Why would you hint about flowers in the car? Again everyone’s beliefs are not the same
Let’s take these wild and unfounded accusations one at a time shall we?
1) I was hurt on DH’s behalf. He deserved better
2.) Inviting your DH’s siblings to lunch is not pressurising anybody
3) if you read the words I did not hint about flowers in the car
4) allow me to know family members whom I have known for over 50 years and something about their parents, upbringing, family traditions and beliefs
5) if the first anniversary of your brother’s premature death isn’t the right time - what is?
You seem to be spoiling for a fight and to both insult and hurt me. Nobody on GN (other than perhaps yourself) will be surprised to see that your minority attitude is the antithesis of the support and understanding those of us who have been widowed recently have encountered on Gransnet.
There are always some who like to be hurtful however.
What exactly do you gain from it?
Schadenfreude?
It is a very definite form ofonline bullying.

apart from when SIL’s Lakeland tried to “hump” Hattie (ideas above his station)
has she been spayed?
that could be an interesting mix!

As they are rather vague I wonder if they went home again and found limp flowers and a bottle of nice vino sitting on their hall table?
Perhaps the conversation in the car went "I thought you'd picked them up" - "No, I expected you to do that".

MawBroon, you say you are not bothered on your own account, so who’s then?Perhaps the sisters and brother are feeling pressured to visit the grave,or perhaps it wasn’t the right time for them.Why would you hint about flowers in the car? Again everyone’s beliefs are not the same.

My BiL and his wife do things like this - to us and DH’s other family members. I think you’re very kind hearted to write it off as “eccentricity” Maw! I’m just fed up with it now and, as DH has always found this brother difficult, we avoid them (they live a long way away) when possible. I’m afraid I might actually say something about their thoughtlessness/rudeness so I think this way is best. I’m glad you’re a bigger person than me Maw and can put it behind you ...

“Stir Up” not “stop up” of course.

Are you trying to stop up a fight GillyEb?
I see no foundation for yourvtemark about materialistic people and their own company.
What exactly is your point?
Grandma70 I fail to understand the relevance of your particularly crass comment about gifts. Are flowers for ones DH’s grave from his siblings on the first anniversary of his death a manifestation of materialism?
Would you like to find a few more ways to insult and hurt me?

I am surprised, all I can offer in mitigation is that perhaps they thought that flowers would make you weep. That's what a recently bereaved friend said to me once - 'if anyone brings me any more flowers I'll …… ' She didn't explain what she would do with them.

However, not bringing a gift was thoughtless and not asking if it was all right to bring flowers or a plant to put on Paw's grave was odd.
And a thank you as well would be thoughtful.

There's nowt so odd as folk, MawBroon

Oh dear, some people should read original posts more closely shouldn’t they?
-18 12:59:30
Oh - I have to say it wouldn't occur to me to take something if I was just visiting relatives unless it was a special occasion. Not just to lunch
Pretty special to me! .
Well spotted Daisyboots.

HERE HERE Granma70s and Lynne59 go girls totally agree with you both, yes pious is the word.Materialistic people are best left to they’re own company.

Oh calm down!
I didn’t take offence but the formula “If it were me I would do....” is both a recognised way of recommending a course of action as well as a personal statement.
There is no need for anybody to get snippy or say “Shame on you” etc
Can we not please discuss without recourse to personal insults?

Maggiemaybe why don’t you read the grammar of Lynne59s post! Lynne said that’s what she would do, not for Mawbroon to do it? As for lonely people out there I hope Lynne59 is not lonely and if she is SHAME on you.

So readymeals the anniversary of the death of a darling husband and a dear brother is not an occasion in your eyes? To me they were very thoughtless on a special weekend like that.

I had no idea people found gifts and flowers so important. When people visit me I want to see the people, and I wouldn’t care, or notice, if they arrived ‘empty handed’. I certainly wouldn’t expect them to bring anything. I’ve found this thread really surprising.

I do expect thanks, preferably written, if anyone stays overnight. Thanks for a meal, too, but spoken words will do for that.

Maggiemaybe.... get off your high horse for a bit, you're sounding a bit pious

Just point of detail newnanny
DD had gone home after spending Saturday afternoon and night here. Actually not such a sad day by that point, I had Friday and Saturday with the girls to share our sadness.
And gillhodge they are my family and have been since DH and I married in 1970!
Seakay No I suppose I had just hoped that their social skills might have been honed over the last 20 years.
Anyway, thank you for your support.

They must have realized how difficult the day would be for you and your dd so not to even bring flowers for the grave is quite shocking. I could easily forgive no small gift for me, even though bad manners, but no flowers for grave I would find that hard to forgive. We care Maw.

Bah! That sentence made no sense, but I knew what I meant!

I think it was thoughtless on their part, particularly to the memory of paw which is probably what hurt the most.
Then again, people can be thoughtless, which is all the more apparent after bereavement. (for me, anyway)
I'm glad you've turned the corner, its not worth getting upset about enough to keep thinking about.

Sorry not to go with the flow! I think that we have to be careful not to put too much weight on gestures. It is easy to buy a box of chocs or a bunch of flowers, without really meaning anything by it. I think that the more telling thing in your situation was the lack of emotion & empathy, on an important anniversary. Something isn't right there but it's got nothing to do with manners. I think that you just have to accept that they are different from you & your family and not allow it to upset you. All the best for the future.

Disgracefully and appalling rude all round! I am totally with you. Now smile and let it go if you can.

"Years and years ago I had an absolute houseful over Christmas, MIL 2 SILs, BIL plus his then wife, Niece and her friend from Brazil, all staying and after they had gone MIL was the only one to drop me a note to say thank you"

I'm sorry you feel hurt, but given everything you have told us I can't think why you are surprised! (Unless "years and years ago" you gave some indication that you expected rather more than tacit appreciation of your hospitality in future?)

Oh dear, I don't even think of taking something if we go to dinner within our family, it's something we have never done. We r a large family, and no one brings anything to ours when they come. I guess it's something not ever done in the past in our families. If we were invited to friends or colleagues houses then yes I guess I would take either wine/chocs/flowers but as that is a rare event I can't remember if I ever did! BUT I would always say thank u very much for the lunch/dinner etc. Again not sure about flowers for the grave, as it was only a year ago then yes I probably would.

Sheer bad manners & no excuse for it being family.
I must admit we don't do flowers as all my family were cremated & have never visited as all over the country but I would not think of going for dinner without taking wine and/or flowers.
I guess it takes all sorts- just appreciate that you know the way things are done & maybe they just don;'t!