Would you arrive empty handed?

Please don’t brood over it.
Maybe as you’re part of their family, it just didn’t occur to them? I don’t automatically ‘do the right thing’ by others standards simply because I’m not aware of them. A friend fell out with me a few years ago because she used to get sulky about little things but never had to gumption to tell me directly what the problem was. She expected me to be a mind reader.
I’m not suggesting that you tackle the sisters about it but just because they didn’t bring gifts or flowers doesn’t necessarily make them thoughtless. They might not have been aware that that was what you were expecting.

Also, I find it very sad that women are berated for not following the social niceties but men are given an automatic ‘get out of jail free’ card when they behave in the same way. I hope we’re not still allowing such blatant sexism to continue with future generations?

Maw I hope you managed to get a decent night's sleep and weren't kept awake by your thoughts. There's nowt so queer as folk, as the saying goes. If they hadn't wanted to leave flowers on the grave then a gift of flowers for you would have been a thoughtful gesture. They sound a kind family on the whole, so perhaps a bit of eye rolling and a few deep breaths and head shakes is the way to go. from me anyway.

No Maw you're definitely not being unreasonable , but from what you've intimated in the past it's not unusual and you said Paw wouldn't have been surprised, as you know in Scotland it's called a 'wee minding' .
You're probably feeling extra hurt because you're obviously still very emotional and raw , because they're not in the same situation as you they have no idea how much even what they perceive to be unimportant is actually very meaningful to you , and you see it as a mark of disrespect to Paw, they just didn't think, it doesn't make them bad people but just not as thoughtful as you are . ?

I would never go anywhere empty handed and it’s hard at times to understand that others do not show empathy/sympathy. You are clearly still sensitive to your loss so don’t let this get to you anymore it just not worth it ???

No, not unreasonable, especially on this first anniversary of Paws passing. A small gift, flowers, pot plant, a bottle of wine, some nice chocolates or biscuits are not expensive and show appreciation for the invitation. Flowers for the grave would have been nice too, but to not even let you know they were home afterwards with a simple text messages is thoughtless and unkind, we all tend to worry when others are travelling and it is just a reassurance they are back home. All these added together are hurtful.

I assume you mentioned/they knew it was the first anniversary? It just seems strange. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Certainly the Mitbringsel you mention is still strong in Germany. It recentlt happened the other way round with us.

One cold wet Sunday in a big city we had been invited to someone’s house for coffee, and i thought I heard brunch mentioned, so we didn’t have breakfast.

Realising we had nothing to bring we spent what seemed like hours wandering around in the rain hunting for somewhere open, ( everything closed on Sunday) until we found a florist, ended up spending over £18 on a bunch of flowers.
Sadly I must have misheard the brunch bit, we only got a cup of coffee before they had to go out. How our tummies rumbled, luckily restaurants are open sundays and we went for one of those lovely all day breakfasts you can get there.

Gosh, not in the least surprised you were left upset by their behaviour Maw.
As you say, you're used to the SiLs' eccentricity, but this is altogether different: a lack of consideration for you in leaving it so late to accept your invitation, an apparent lack of feeling for Paw, their brother, by leaving no token of love and loss at his grave and, frankly, bad manners in neither letting you know they were safely home nor thanking you for your hospitality.
Of course you will not cut them from your life - they are your family and you have a long, shared history that you would not want to lose. But I am so sad for you, that the weekend was not as you had hoped it would be.
Still, I am glad you came on here to let your feelings out - and now you can let them go

They do sound rather thoughtless to put it mildly. Try not to brood over this - easily said, but the only loser here will be you as you are going to have negative thoughts and they are destructive. Most people would reply in good time to allow the hostess to shop. Most people would turn up with a little something if they have been invited out for a meal; most would say thank you later. You are not wrong to be cross - most people would be!

Shocking behaviour, Maw, especially not thanking you for your hospitality!
What can you say? Sounds as though they were not taught decent manners or have forgotten them.
There is also a lack of thoughtfulness or empathy which is quite staggering, especially under the circumstances.
I’m afraid I would have been rude, and it says a lot for your self control that you held it all in!
Here’s flowers and wine!

I can't turn up anywhere without a bit of something. People like this usually cut themselves off and at worst sever relationships altogether.

Flowers I prefer to give to the living but that's me.

Sadly not everyone thinks like we do. A fact of life I'm afraid.

I'd be cutting them out of my life seems like a complete over-reaction to me, Lynne59. You’d stop seeing your family over something like this? No wonder there’s so much loneliness in the world.

Sorry you’ve been hurt, Maw, this must have been a very sad weekend for you. Not letting you know sooner that they were coming and not sending a thank you text was of course thoughtless. But though we’d never arrive for a meal at a friend’s house without a bottle and flowers, we don’t do this within the family. And we don’t take flowers to the cemetery either, though I’m surprised they didn’t comment on yours and your DD’s.

I wouldn't have taken flowers for the grave but that is a personal choice.
I would certainly have brought flowers for you, also wine ,and not thanking you is unforgivable.
However if the sisters are lovely people if eccentric, I would accept it and put it behind me.
BiL is just rude.

Maw are you not concerned your extended family may not chance upon this thread? I would hate it to cause a family fallout as I am sure you would. You have previously shown pics of yourself and your DH.

Very bad manners on so many counts, especially given the generation. Only to confirm that they were coming with one day’s notice was so rude. Coming empty handed like that was also very unusual, and not just for their age group. I wouldn’t dream of going empty handed if I were invited out to lunch, and to be honest even to tea. I would also have taken something, albeit just a token, to lay on the grave. And finally my girls always text to say simply “I’m home”, and you had actually asked them to let you know. Even if it is being “thoughtless” it is in my book unacceptably rude. I would be less bothered if they were from a younger generation. Hopefully you can now put it behind you and of course stay friendly with them. I’m sure they are nice people in every other way.

How very strange. It is doubly sad that you do not have Paw there to let it all go and say what you think; then send it on its way.

I guess people react differently to things, but it does seem bad manners. We never take gifts or flowers when we go to people who are family; but I am guessing that the absence of flowers for Paw's grave might be to do with the discomfort of many when talking openly about death and dying.

I am sorry that this visit has left you feeling disappointed with them.

If it were me, I'd be cutting them out of my life

No Lynne while I am sure that was kindly meant, I certainly won’t be doing that. They are Paws sisters and brother and my family. The SILS are also very close to our DDs and very kind generous women. The fact that they can also sometimes come across as a bit “eccentric” adds to their charm and is not exactly new to me.
Paw would not have been all that surprised!

No I think you're right to feel a bit hacked off with the lack of thought especially the first anniversary of losing Paw. If it had been a last minute visit surely they could have at least said that they'd not had time to get a small token or some flowers and not to mention the flowers on the grave is just odd. Not letting you know they'd got home and to thank you for lunch is not acceptable at all. My family always let me know they've arrived back and thank us for a lovely day.

Not everyone wants to put flowers on a grave and thank you letters seem to be disappearing, but to not confirm the lunch until the day before and to turn up without a small gift for the hostess is very rude.
I also struggle with not talking about your DH at this time but it happened with me and I think people just don't know what to say. I understand why you are so upset.

What rude relatives! To not take flowers to the grave is bad enough, but then to not thank you, not take something to your home either, is bad mannered of them.

Whenever I've been for dinner at anyone's house, I've taken either the dessert or some wine. They could, at the very least, have done that.

If it were me, I'd be cutting them out of my life.

Its a shame Maw but I think these 'good manners' gestures are fading fast- very sad.

Flowers for the grave, not everyone does that (I wouldn't) but a little something for you would of been polite.

Definitely not unreasonable Maw good manners dictates at least a thank you text or email, letters not so much now. As for arriving empty handed well words fail me, flowers or a plant for Paw would have showed love & support for both of you.
As you say they are not unkind people just thoughtless but I can understand your being hurt. Don't dwell on this you have love & support from the rest of your family and indeed here on GN.

Is it the kind of annoyance you’d have chewed over with paw at the end of the day, perhaps with a wry smile ?
Exactly grannyqueenie!
He’d have rolled his eyes (audibly!) and understood exactly where I was coming from.
I can let it go now, but thanks to all who have “listened”.

Very strange, I can totally understand why you were upset.
It’s not you, it’s them!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, maw, just understandably cross at what feels like a lack of acknowledgement of paws anniversary by folk you know loved him well and care for you and your family too.
I’m often surprised, and disappointed, when I realise how many of my family and friends seemingly lack the “thoughtfulness gene”. Sadly when we have high standards for ourselves in these areas we can often feel let down by others when those small acts of kindness are missing. Is it the kind of annoyance you’d have chewed over with paw at the end of the day, perhaps with a wry smile? I know that’s what I’d miss doing, I hope having spoken it out here enables you to let it go and face today.x