In 1985 I moved to my current town to join my husband . He'd got a job that was to last 2 years. We had a 3 year old and a 6 month old and I worried about moving our son from his first school
We were , and remain, the only part of the family to move away from our home in NE England .
I did not like this town. I always wanted to go home.
After 2 years my husband's job became permanent. It was an excellent, well paid post. We went on to have another 2 children . We live in a lovely 4 bed house with a huge garden . I have been able to pursue my own career. I have good friends. My husband is a good and loving man .
I have huge amounts to be grateful for .
However, I have always wanted to go home.
The kids grew up . They went to uni. They did not come back . One went south. 3 went to Edinburgh.
My parents aged. My Dad died . We retired . We thought about moving nearer to Mam. She died unexpectedly in June this year. I miss her so much .
I so , so want to move ... either nearer my kids or , perhaps, to Newcastle, where my sister lives ( & who wants me there ) & where the main train line both north and south are accessible.
At the moment I'm spending half my time on trains , visiting and helping the kids.
Husband is retired. When I try to talk about what or where he wants to be ( given he has few friends here cos he is a very quiet chap) all he ever says is , " I want to be with you !"
If I keep quiet then he assumes that all is well and says and does nothing.
I can see me dying here , being buried in the local cemetery and having spent my whole life in a place I didn't ever want to be because I am a good and loyal wife.
I have no idea what to do . The kids visit ; they try to raise the subject. My husband has diabetes with eye problems. He has arthritis and, earlier this year I fractures my ankle really badly. I'm ok but I limp . I can't care for our massive garden( & I mean bigger than most anyone ever imagined, I promise ) alone
We've spent little on the house in the last 20 years , having supported 4 kids through 5 degrees and 2 lots of bible college. We need a new kitchen , lots of decorating etc . I don't want to spend money on somewhere I don't want to be .
Hubbie seems totally happy to do little. The kids try to raise the subject of moving. Once they go home the silence descends .
I just do not know what to do or how to cope . I don't want to be a nag or make hubby unhappy. He knows how I feel but, I think , unless I keep on and on he just thinks/ hopes / pretends I'm ok and have " forgotten" about this .
I'm 62 and not ready for popping off yet but I fear I will die with everything unchanged....indeed , most of the time , the only way out is dying .....
What on earth do I do ?
Am I wrong / selfish/ ungrateful ?
Should I shut up and sit here knitting for the next 30 years to stop everyone else being upset ?
I feel like ending my life at times because it is such a trap .
What on earth do I do ?