AIBU to feel really confused?

I am sorry stormy, it must be hard fir you but if your step daughter wants contact there isn’t much you can do other than to support if things go wrong, as they may well do.

I agree with grannyqueenie and Isabella’s comments, it appears a child is involved who is potentially at risk if there is contact with the mothers husband.

Thank you for the advice -I haven't really thought that the mum's husband might be behind this. That has made me even more concerned about the exact motives behind her getting back in contact with my DSD. Re: acronyms - I thought this was the accepted short-hand for referring to people. I've been on Mumsnet for while and assumed same applied here, apologies for any confusion.

He may or may not be behind this, certainly it’s possible, but if abuse did take place then your step daughter needs to keep her child/ren safe.
Re acronyms, they are used all the time and most people know where to find explanations. No need to apologise re confusion.

Acronyms - on the PC site they are in the buttons below the "Gransnet Forums" heading and above the topic heading (which is AIBU for this thread) The buttons are
Active I'm on Watching Unanswered Last hour Last day FAQs Acronyms

I don't know where they are on the phone or tablet site, but someone else can be more specific about that.

I do wish HQ had a a page on "How to post on the forums" that included a plan of where all the page links are and how the site works. New posters are often confused about where to find everything.

I get confused with the acronyms too
Vickya; Fully agree! I try to use given names of family members; they are (or were) persons, not acronyms. Perhaps we have a quorum of "anti-acronysts"? make a change from Brexit!

I'm anti-acronym too - what's so difficult about writing in full?

When I first came on here I was amazed at the number of posters who apparently had General Practitioners in their families!

As for dear /darling, (US origin?) surely that's for use IRL - not to proclaim to the world how much you adore your family members. However some threads about misbehaviour are quite amusing if the perpetrator is still referred to as DH or the DC!!

Do all the anti-acronymists always speak and write about watching British Broadcasting Corporation Channel One High Density, not BBC 1 HD, and complain to the Radio Times if the abbreviation is printed instead of the full name?

The D in DH and the other acronyms can stand for other words besides Dear or darling.

Dratted and damned come to mind, and deaf, dozy and delinquent. Dear and darling husband are often used to mean exactly the opposite of their face value, for instance when requesting a loan of a frozen leg of lamb as an undetectable murder weapon.

It takes me longer to work out how to write an acronym than to spell the word longhand!

You don't have to use them if you don't want to - but others can use them if they wish, just as they (and you) can, if they want to, use unfamiliar words that some people have to look up in a dictionary!

The fact that the girl's biological mother is now visiting her and is prepared to believe that she was abused, might, just might, be a step towards her leaving the abusive man.

Presumably the girl is trying to understand how this horrible situation arose and why her mother did nothing to stop it.

Try not to be hurt, but the re-appearance of a woman you regard as toxic must be very difficult for you.

Maybe acronyms should be a new post because this has rather taken over the original poster’s understandable concerns. She is a first poster and might be wondering why this has all gone off at a tangent.

Oh course others can use them if they wish Elegran but then there should be no surprise if not everyone offers help and advice I lose the will to live when there are rows of darling this’ s and darling that’s and how on earth do you interpret whether it means darling dratted daft or dozy or sister in law son in law or indeed step , why not write it, are we really all so lazy ?

I hope none of the DD and DS lovers (or accepters) ever ever have a go at young people and their sloppy text talk because this is just the same, oh the moans I ve heard on here about the youngsters and the English language becoming sloppy ?

I’m with you Willow10 Find it almost easier to type the word in full. Each to their own......

I feel the same about all the acronyms used and I don't want to 'bone up on the explanations' Could we just be adults and use proper words - not too much to ask is it?

Agree about acronyms although I do now understand them, however, when it comes to them peppering the comment and DSS etc, it takes a moment to figure them out. Is it dear step son or dear step sister? I find myself re-reading the whole text to understand who exactly is being mentioned.

I think, sadly in some cases, most of us crave for the love of our parents. Especially those who have been deprived of it. Hard for some of us to understand. All you can do is continue to love and support her when she allows you.

Leaving the acronyms to one side this lady has a most difficult dilemma to work through. Her step daughter who she is very fond of was abused as a child and got pregnant herself at 17 so there is now another small person around and suddenly out of the blue appears her abusive disbelieving mother her abusing husband still around. It all sounds very worrying to me. I think you need to keep a very close eye on what is going on here. I must say I am very confused as to how you are all related.

Yes, that’s a concern MOnica.

She may be technically an adult but she is a young one and when it comes to her mum she is still the child in that dynamic.

Your concern is 100% justified but her heart is ruling her head and she will be desperate for her mum to finally validate her. It may be that she leaps head first into this newly rekindled relationship and pushes you aside for a bit.

Just wait. She will come back to you and DH. You are the "constants" and stability in her life and as such she doesnt have to work as hard for your approval, but in time she will see that you are the ones that have given unconditional love.

Also agree with lulu, keep an eye out for unsupervised contact with the dsg and the step grandad

Many spouses of child abusers are so blinded by love and self preservation, that denial becomes their shield of choice.

Children need to be believed and protected by those they trust (in this case the mother), especially when faced with traumatic events. It appears that mother has finally admitted her mistakes and your stepdaughter is choosing to forgive her. I also agree that this will not damage your relationship with your stepdaughter.

Having said that, one does have to wonder why it's still OK for this (known) pedophile to continue being a part of the family.
Your best recourse going forward is to be hyper-vigilant when it comes to protecting your step grandchild, but I suspect your stepdaughter will be already be way ahead of you on that account.

Well, just an update without acronyms. My step-daughter's partner came with step-grandson today (to pick up the calendars ?). As soon as I mentioned my step-daughter's mom, he opened up about so much we didn't know. She's been getting closer and closer to her for over a year now. So this summer, my step-daughter's got herself and child down to where the mum lives (town)! Lied to him about it (and few other times) which we find most shocking - their relationship came across as more trusting and honest than my own! He is very hurt and angry and doesn't even speak to the mum when he sees her. He's also made it absolutely clear to my step-daughter that she can't take their son to the mum's town. He is just as shocked and bewildered by the whole situation as we are. Am really scared now that they'll get their claws into her - already her little family is put at risk. I can't confront them, I know, but need to do something before it all goes horribly wrong!

Children have a biological desire to gain their parents approval. Where that is interrupted in childhood or adolescence it can lead to distorted thinking and behaviour into adulthood. Her behaviour is "understandable" if illogical.

However it is very concerning that she is taking the child to the home town of the stepfather/grandfather. That goes beyond building a relationship with the mother/grandmother, which could be done on safer/neutral territory.

Im afraid the child comes first because the child cant protect itself and this situation is coming close to the line where you or her DH may have to go over her head and go to social services if it becomes likely that the step dad is getting contact with the child.

Horrible situation all round
I think you need some professional non internet advice on this one now given the secret trips to the home town