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AIBU to feel really confused?

(52 Posts)
StormySunshine Sat 01-Dec-18 11:50:00

1st post here, please be gentle! My DH and I wanted to drop off advent calendars today for my DSD, DSG and partner. Were told that it won't be convenient, as her mother is visiting for the day. Now, some background. My DSD moved in with us at 14yrs old and went no contact with her mum, after it came to light (she told me) that she was abused for years by her stepfather. Her own mum didn't believe her but we have been behind my DSD since. Police were involved but DSD decided not to testify in court, so he was only interviewed. Her mum never tried to contact her, apart from sending abusive emails, etc. My DSS (10yrs older) also went NC when all this came to light (he still is). Our own relationship has been really good - we were supportive when she got pregnant at 17, bought a flat for them near us, helped out financially quite a bit, she even wanted me present at my dsgs's birth! Recently, I found out from my DSS that their mum has been in contact and is now meeting with my DSD, telling her that she now believes her, even though she still lives with same man! AIBU to feel really confused and a little bit resentful that after all this?

stella1949 Sat 01-Dec-18 12:21:37

So let me get this right - this girl is your husband's daughter ? And her mother's husband abused her so she went No Contact with her mother since she wasn't believed about the abuse.

Now after many years she is back in contact with her mother again, visiting etc.

I guess there isn't much you can do about this. She is entitled to regain her relationship with her mother - despite what happened in the past. I can understand that you'd feel resentful since you have been so supportive over the years, but at the end of the day this is her mother. Now that she is a mother herself she may just want to regain that blood relationship again.

All you can do is "roll with the flow". Wait for a couple of days and then send a text or call her , and ask in a light way " Can we meet ? I've got some advent calendars for DG. ". Don't wade in and start talking about her mother - just keep it light and see how things go. Good luck.

FarNorth Sat 01-Dec-18 12:25:59

^^ What Stella said.

FlexibleFriend Sat 01-Dec-18 12:42:09

yep what Stella said and Stella thanks for the translation it defeated me.

StormySunshine Sat 01-Dec-18 13:00:14

It's more to do with the whole issue - that woman has been an extremely toxic presence in all our lives. I am so concerned and also confused: if she truly believes my DSD, how can she still possibly live with that man? And if she still doesn't - how can my DSD accept her back in her life? And, yes, I probably ABVU for feeling resentful that after all she has put us through, my DSD can accept her back in her life, without her making any real amends... After all, she is her real mum, so I guess that trumps all else..

cornergran Sat 01-Dec-18 13:06:30

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, they are totally understandable, but also it's not unreasonable that your step daughter has resumed contact with her Mum. Try to keep your feelings and her actions separate if you can. I have a bit of an itch about the mother's husband/partner, hopefully he will remain no contact with your step daughter and her daughter. Take it a step at a time, just go with the advent calendar when it suits the young family and smile, this needn't harm your relationship with them.

grannyqueenie Sat 01-Dec-18 13:15:50

Lots of sensible advice from others which I’d endorse. My concern would be if this apparent reconciliation between mother and daughter led on to an alleged abuser having contact with your step daughters child.

Izabella Sat 01-Dec-18 13:39:36

The actions of others are not always understandable or fathomable. I am unsure if there is a child involved now, but if there is I fear your only role can be to keep the child safe. That should be the priority of all.

Poppyred Sat 01-Dec-18 14:27:52

I hate all this DSD DSL DHL business! Leaves me totally confused, please just say who they are ??

petra Sat 01-Dec-18 17:35:53

Your not alone. I gave up after the first DSD/DSG.

Granny23 Sat 01-Dec-18 17:46:05

Petra & Poppyred Why don't you just bone up on the acronyms like the rest of us? They are at the top of every page.

Eloethan Sat 01-Dec-18 17:49:27

I understand you feeling very upset and resentful - I think it is quite natural that after all you have done you feel this way.

However, I think perhaps you need to try to view it from your step daughter's point of view. She was abused by her step father but her mother did not believe her. She has, presumably, spent several years thinking that her mother neither respected nor loved her. Now she feels that her mother's efforts of rapprochement indicate that she is loved and wanted. She has chosen to disregard - perhaps in an effort to protect her own emotional stability - the fact that her mother is still with the man who abused her.

I believe it has been found that despite, the abuse, neglect and feelings of being unloved that people experience in childhood, they continue to yearn for that care and love and will overlook almost anything in order to achieve it.

I really do understand how you feel but give it time and hopefully, things will settle down when she realises who has really supported her through very difficult times.

Buffybee Sat 01-Dec-18 18:01:45

It's called, "Like Moths to a flame", Eloethan.

Poppyred Sat 01-Dec-18 18:31:41

Rather not Granny23, ok with you?

BlueBelle Sat 01-Dec-18 18:47:27

Acronyms are the bane of my life why can’t people just write the darned word All the blooming darlings and dears are so daft I lose the who,e gist of it whilst trying to translate it in my head
Grannt23 you may have a head for initials but I haven’t so I don’t think you’re advice is that useful

petra Sat 01-Dec-18 22:12:29

Having been a member of GN for 8 years I'm fully aware of where the acronyms are, and my choice of not using them and not liking them is my prerogative.

Poppyred Sat 01-Dec-18 22:37:01

Petra ???

Knitnuts Sun 02-Dec-18 09:48:07

I’m with you Granny23. Much easier than writing out long hand smile

Coconut Sun 02-Dec-18 10:00:57

Are you able to speak to them calmly and explain your feelings ? Be empathetic that she has reconnected with her mother, but you are not being unreasonable to feel as you do. If plain speaking is not an option, just deep breaths and learn to accept that life is very unfair at times.

vickya Sun 02-Dec-18 10:14:32

I get confused with the acronyms too and wish they'd all stop the darlings and dears! It seems to be almost compulsory to darling and dear.

gerry86 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:20:22

I think this was posted on Mumsnet, I'd be interested to know where the best advice comes from, my bet is here.

CrazyGrandma2 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:21:16

Bluebelle having followed Granny23's advice I looked at the top of the page with no success. However clearly there is a list somewhere so I went searching. I found the acronym heading at the bottom of the page - after all the emicons.

M0nica Sun 02-Dec-18 10:25:24

My biggest worry would be whether the abuser is behind the mother and daughter rapprochement and whether he is hoping that at sometime the grandchildren might be allowed to visit her home.

M0nica Sun 02-Dec-18 10:27:59

On acronyms I am fine with them, except where we have SiL DS, which can be son or sister - and if you get it wrong it can lead to a complete misunderstanding of the thread.

For me DS is dear son, if I want to refer to my sister, I spell it out in full.

Kim19 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:28:32

Bravo to the immediate interpretation of Stella and the equally speedy wit of FarNorth. Love it. Thanks.