Nobody Wants Her

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this, but glad you now have some sort of resolution. Hats off to you for making a home for your grandaughter, and also for not giving up on your daughter. It must be terribly hard. I hope the future for your grandaughter is brighter now, and I wish you all the best in looking after her.

Happy New Year everyone.

So, we are on with the SGO now; busy with solicitors and trying to get contributions from SS;

Our GD is quite happy and settled, we're just getting her out of bedtime nappies into pants...we'd forgotten how much washing that creates.

My wife has interacted with a few Grandmas that have their GDs full time which is good as sometimes you feel like you're the only ones that are going through it, they all bring some sort of sadness in their stories which we identify with.

It's clear our GD has seen DV, she told us a few times now about a lad my D was living with briefly and how he hit Mummy with punches and grabbed her throat; she's told us a few times over a few different weeks now so I think we know this is true.

She does ask for her Mummy and is asking where her Mummy lives, she knows her old house Mummy doesn;t live there anymore; my wife had to clear it out which was, I was going ot say heartbreaking, but honestly I'd say traumatic not only how our GD lived but also our D; cig butts on the floor, the odd bag of weed, used condoms, pretty horrible stuff to see so god only knows what went on. However that is past and we're making everything simple, routines, patterns, fun eveyrthing 4 year olds should be doing; discipline is hard; as GPs we used to just have the fun bits and now we have the full hit.

As for our D, she gave up her rented house, she's living out of hotels no fixed abode, we've tried allsorts of approaches to get her to talk and to see sense; we;ve tried it all, soft, hard, calm, shouting, we've begged her but she doesn;t want to know, last night i tried again and she immediately started shouting i was stressing her out; she put her headphones in and ignored me for the next half an hour...that's how she deals with truths and difficult questions, it's a myriad of ever changing emotions for us it really is.

Onwards and upwards as they say; our GD brings us joy that wipes away the pain and sadness we feel...

Thanks for the update. It’s good to hear your solicitor knows what’s best. Your daughter is not in a good place and you’re right to take steps to secure your granddaughters future.

Went to the solicitors today, they agreed an SGO is perfect for our situation and we'll apply first week of Jan.

They suggetsed we ask SS to stump up re the costs.

In the meantime my daughter rather foolishly is telling everyone and anyone she has lost custody of our GD and this has got back to the father who has suddenly shown an interest and is speaking with SS which could complicate things.... oh my days why she's acts with such stupidity is beyond me....

It sounds as though you may need to take the initiative here GG. Social work teams are overwhelmed by safeguarding issues, huge increase in referrals and in care proceedings. This means the fact your granddaughter is safe in your care, leaves her far from the top of the issues to be worked on.
The information you give about your daughter suggests she's made decisions about what she wants in her life currently and that doesn't include staying at home, to build a safe, stable life for her little girl.
Have a look at the Family Rights Groups websites. Also, make an appointment with a solicitor whose name is recorded on the Children Panel as being approved to work in Family Law. The first appointment is often without charge. The solicitor will be familiar with family situations like the one you find yourself in. Seeking legal advice doesn't make you a bad dad, or someone who doesn't want to work with the social workers.

Hi Iam64

They initially suggested it a month ago however they can’t pin my daughter down.

I want to get an SGO asap and get on with our lives as quickly as possible so it’s me that’s impatient to get everything boxed off.

Best of luck with all this. Silverlining, from previous posts, it seems the OP wants to and has demonstrated a willingness and ability to work with social services.

Grandad, Is it the social work team who are suggesting a family meeting, or is this something you asked them to help with? Social work teams are so stretched that the goal posts for intervention seem to move ever further. It isn't good enough but it does seem to be the reality.
You need Parental Responsibility, it's unlikely that will be possible before your planned holiday in March. Please see a solicitor whose name is on the children panel, therefore experienced in family law. They will be able to support and advice you on the best way forward. They will understand your desire to support your daughter in getting her life in order. They'll have a lot of experience in situations like the one you find yourself in.
Seeking legal advice doesn't mean you're going against your daughter or the social work team, it means you're seeking the best outcome for your granddaughter

Good luck GrandadGarage , hope it all gets sorted?

It sounds like you need a break, and if your daughter agrees it will be something nice to look forward to. I believe you will need her written permission to take your granddaughter away and will also need a passport fir her. Yes, lots of paperwork. Make sure you work with social services who will hopefully give you proper guidance.
I hope things go ok tonight.

So where we are up to is this.

Our daughter refuses to have any conversations or meetings with SS and is completely avoiding them and refusing their calls.

We sent several messages last week to say if she wanted to come home and dust off and if she need any help to get off anything then we can do that, also if she was clean ( thinks shes' just doing a bit of weed) she could get a place near us and start again building a home for her and her daughter with our help that was also workeable and that we were reactive to the situation and not proactively taking her daughter from her.

Her oldest best friend got in touch and was told she'd lost custody of her daughter (??)

So we reached out again and we got a reply that she was happy what she's doing (ie escorting) and was sick of people trying to talk her out of it... we've been trying to talk her into being a proper Mum and taking responsibility but hey ho.

She sleeps most of the day so it's not condusive for a child however our efforts to get a family meeting are frustrating, the SS were supposed to come and see me last Friday as we wanted advice as to how to proceed.

Our daughter is coming over tonight and staying out ours; 3rd time she's seen her in 3 weeks, I hope it goes well in all honesty not that it will give her a jolt into any action.

We've reached acceptance now that this is how it is and we are planning our lives for the 3 of us; I'm going to book us a small holiday in March/April hopefully to get some sun, fun and rest.

We just need the legal stuff sorting now which at a guess will take and age...

An SGO seems the way to go, on all you have said so far. It's a real challenge for loving parents/grandparents to prioritise the needs of their grandchildren whilst still loving their adult child and wanting to support them.

You are a courageous dad and grandad x

Take a day at a time GDG and do your best. You cannot do any more. Well done to you both. Full of admiration.

Our daughter missed the social worker visit on Friday, also she had one today which she has missed, probably deliberately.

So I sent her a text this morning asking her to talk or at least tell us whats he wants to do, does she want to make her own plan which we will try and support her with or something else, we've let her know we are not pushing this but that it has come to our door and that we are not trying to take her daughter from her.

She came yesterday and took her little girl out, bless she ran and threw her arms round her mummy kissing her and holding her tight, we we so worried what the reaction would be; I had to leave the room; I cried buckets, how can you not see you child for 11 days.

She says she will get a flat and share the care, never in a million years will that work given what she does, thankfully she seems free of drugs; she sounded really well told is she'd hardly had any weed..proudly declaring she'd got her head together at which point I had to leave again as i wanted to smash it in, not really of course but that's how I felt... doesn't understand and no thought whatsoever that my wife will have to look at her job hours even giving it up possibly etc etc

My wife and I spoke last night and I have been looking through some of the posts and pointers you folks have kindly offered and I think we are leaning towards Guardianship, if we are taking her on whilst I don't want to interfere or remove my daughters PR we want something ourselves for many reasons not in the least at our age if we pass away we can cover off her care in our will.

Best wishes.

Please, please look carefully at what SOCIAL SERVICES are up to as they are very sneaky, I will PM you with a scenario my friend is currently going through, and it is purely a money saving exercise and definitely NOT in the best interests of the children involved. Look into Special Guardianship and Residence Orders, especially if financially it will be a problem taking in your GD. Take care ....

GrandadGarage I hope you will take heart from the posts on here and realise what a good and also difficult thing you are taking on. Each situation is very different but I have had 3 DGC living with me for several years, 3 to 4 days or more every week as their Dad (DS) also lives with me for financial reasons. Often I long for the retirement I had hoped for but I remind myself how lucky I am to have such a special, close relationship with them despite the difficulties. Of course they love their Mum but it is heartbreaking to see them upset when they have to go 'home' to her sometimes. Keeping that distance and not involving myself in their parents' arguments is very hard. Good luck to you and that little girl who is so lucky to have you.

You need to do this legally to ensure the future safety of your granddaughter. who knows what idiot your daughter may take up with in the future.

It is indeed sad times for all concerned GG as yourself and Mrs GG must be physically and mentally shattered as well as heartbroken. It's traumatic for you both as well as for your GD who doesn't fully understand the situation apart from being separated from her mother. This separation alone brings its own problems which can appear as anxiety in a child but at least she's with those who care immensely.

I'm so sorry about the life in which your D has chosen. I can only hope that sometime in the future she can see the error of her ways and re-join you all as a family.
At this stage I wish you all the best at your forthcoming meeting and hope that you get the support you so clearly need.

sorry inadvertently added an "and" in my post above.

Nothing to add other than to say I have so much admiration for grandparents such as the op and GrandadGarage who step up to the plate in such cases. Thank God grandchildren such as yours who have difficulties at home are at least blessed in having such good grandparents.

Thank you very much for all the replies and DMs, we wanted to seek others experiences and some advice and we’ve got some good things that we can consider.

The meeting with the social worker and our daughter was cancelled yesterday for some reason, she FaceTimed us yesterday and spoke to her daughter which was nice; she promised to take her out today needless to say she didn’t which is now 3 times in a week she’s said she’s coming and she hasn’t; we’re getting quite angry now frankly; she hasn’t seen her for ten days now.

She’s been busy working for this escort agency it’s incredulous that’s she just left us to it in that time, sorting nursery, changing our work routines and so on, today we feel quite angry with her in all honesty it’s like she’s just abandoned her, she’s promised to come tomorrow, she thinks spending money is love and makes up for it. The only way I can describe it is like stages of bereavement; we feel like we’ve lost a daughter but we are hitting the anger phase today.

Also The nursery had a fair today, we’ve got a great relationship with them all and apparently there’s a family meeting booked 17/12 there for our entire family which is good as we want this sorting now and if our daughter won’t step up then we will take her on as our own and raise her ourselves.

Sad times.

Your dgd is very lucky that she has you and your dw to care for her. If you could not care for her she would go into care. There is nothing you can do for your dd that is more important than love and care for your dgd. Hopefully your dd will learn in time but if not you have done all you can and more than anyone else to make your dgd life happy and safe.

The way to secure the placement of children with relative carers, is by obtaining a Special Guardianship Order. A google search will bring up the background to SGO and the duties/responsibilities of the local authority.
One of the key things is that an SGO gives the relative carer (often the grandparents) Parental Responsibility. The birth parent maintains their PR but the relative carer has the greater say, so medical/educational issues are in their hands.

There have been various Court Judgements about the duty of l.a.'s to financially support SGO placements. One Judgement directed that l.a.'s should pay SGO's at the same rate as foster placements. This is an area where either legal or advice from a friend who knows the system and can support the people who will become Special Guardians is important. LA's continue to face huge cuts, services are under significant threat so it isn't surprising that not if l.a.'s cn avoid giving financial support to family carers, they may do so.

I hope that you can give this little girl the stability she needs; you have such a close bond with her already and she is used to living in your home too. Since she left her little life appears to have been quite chaotic.
It could be hard and you may occasionally wonder how you'll cope (I don't know how old you both are) but the thought of her being in care somewhere would, I think, be far worse for you, worrying about her wellbeing and her future.

and best wishes.

This happened to a friend of mine, although it was her son who was the father. They had the little girl from birth as the mother, an addict, walked out. For a while the son stayed and parented, but it didn't last. My friend applied to adopt as neither parent wanted this lovely little one. After a huge uphill battle they have been able to adopt her. Luckily Social Services and the Health Visitor supported my friend and her husband in this, as the sticking point was the parents. They wanted the baby adopted out of the family, and got very nasty. She is now a happy 4 year old and bright as a button. If you can manage you can make a big difference to your grand-childs life and future. Good luck, whatever you decide

We also care for our granddaughter who is 17, she has stayed long periods since she was a baby.Her mum, our adopted daughter, has mental illness and after a very rocky few years our two granddaughters were removed by social services and police.Younger girl lives with father and stepmum. Fast forward several years and both girls doing well and although at opposite ends of the country keep in touch with social media,and big family get togethers keep our patchwork family together I am now 71 and I do get tired but we have lots of laughs and we have learned all kinds of stuff that we would never have known!
Good luck, it is worth every ....almost...minute.