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Nobody Wants Her

(108 Posts)
GrandadGarage Thu 06-Dec-18 15:17:02

Hello,

This will be a long one,...

My daughter is 25, always been the black sheep of the family, a bit wild, lovely deep down but prone to wandering the wrong path.

She gave birth to our grandaughter almost 4 years ago, the Father was little involved; been in and out her life a little but into drugs, always getting raided so it all stopped.

We had the priviledge of our grandaughter living with us for 3 years, we saw all the "firsts'; smiles, teeth, crawls, steps, words and so on until she moved our with her Mum to start a new life with her Mums new partner who idolised them both. Nice family home all settled and happy, we knew they both did a bit of social weed nothing heavy.

In the summer it all changes, the lad moves out and on the same day another lad rolls in, the weed intake goes up, the house stinks; police get involved as it's a fesity relationship... he moves out and they're on their own... house becomes very unkept, daughters new best friend is on licence for dealing and her partners inside before long they're working a strip club.... before long other seedy things going on then she drops this girl...

In the meantime visits to the Father start up again until his house gets raided and my daughter gets a call from social services who then become very interested in her lifestyle and start arranging meetings with her and with us and we can't lie we were open and honest, we knew she was doing massive amouints of weed and doing coke and falling asleep while the little one was in the house because she'd been up all night so we won;t lie for her and we told the social, another member of our family were concerned and also reported her... a month ago she goes into escorting..... we stepped in a suggested our grandaughter lives with us hoping it would jolt her, nothing else has.. incredibly my daughter seems to agree.

So we feel devastated, the fathers made no effort and doesn't want her, the mother can;t be bothered with it all but undeniably loves her..

We adore her, do we want to take her on full time, not really, we've done all that, will we ? 1000% of course, this poor little girl tells us she loves her mummy and daddy it's ripping me and my wife to pieces; we idolise this little girl and feel so so sorry for her the two main people supposed to protect and care and give her a stable home won't do it we've practically co-parented her for 3 years its heartbreaking...

Sorry for the rant..I suppose i'm just getting off my chest, feel angry but also worried sick for our own daughter..maybe someone has experience of this type of thing, anyway thanks for listening.

mumofmadboys Thu 06-Dec-18 15:36:07

Well done to you and your wife for taking on the full time care of your GD. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open with your own DD and hope she will eventually see sense and work hard to change her life style. Although your 3 year old says she loves her mum and her dad she doesn't really understand what this means. Good luck with it all. Maybe you need to put it on a legal footing if possible assuming it won't aggravate the daughter.

janeainsworth Thu 06-Dec-18 15:39:27

grandad your daughter sounds very vulnerable. Can you give her a home as well as your GD?
There are several Gransnetters who have experience of this sort of problem from either a personal or a professional perspective, so I hope someone will be along with some practical advice for you soon.

ayse Thu 06-Dec-18 15:45:21

Well done for helping your Granddaughter. I’m sure you are doing the best for her under the circumstances which are so difficult for the family. As Mumof mad boys says, keep the door open for your daughter and try to support her if she comes for help to sort herself out.
You are both your DGD’s rock, giving her stability she really needs and the love to go along with it. Well done and good luck. I would do the same under similar circumstances.

Davidhs Thu 06-Dec-18 15:46:45

You have done all you can, your daughter will go her own way, do your best for the GD if you can become the legal guardian it will give her more security.

My sister was similar no sense or logic it all went wrong in a big way, only after she was 50 did she see sense, such a waste, fairly OK now.

GillT57 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:15:59

As JaneA said, sadly there are quite a few on GN with similar life experience who will be able to share with you and help. You have done a wonderful thing giving this little girl a home; it is obvious her Mother loves her for she has given you her most precious daughter to look after, and your DGD loves her Mum, isn't scared, isn't traumatised by what has gone on. Maybe tell her Mummy loves her but is unwell and so has asked you to look after her? I have no experience of this situation, but you have done a great thing, and you will find much help and support on here.

GrandadGarage Thu 06-Dec-18 16:16:34

thanks for the messages, it's so difficult, as someone asked above our daughter is vulnerable too so we have that worry aswell, it's just so emotionally pulling that we've arrived at where we are a mixture, of worry, disgust, anger, sadness it's a real killer and depending on where everything goes in the future all the questions we will undoubtedly have to answer it's really unfair on the three of us...

appreciate the replies - thank you

LaraGransnet (GNHQ) Thu 06-Dec-18 16:31:32

Hello GrandadGarage. We're really sorry to hear about your family's situation. We have this page on kinship care which might be useful for you and we know there are other users who have been through, if not identical, then similar situations to yours. We really hope it all works out for you and your family. flowers

HildaW Thu 06-Dec-18 16:51:34

Something a friend told me about the work of a children's charity years ago helped me understand some of the complexities of the parent/child bond. I was particularly interested as my own childhood had been damaged by poor and bullying parenting.
They explained that in many cases children are hardwired to love their parents/primary carer despite how poor a job they do. No matter how useless or even abusive a parent is the child is just desperate for their love and attention. Try not to let your GD's love for her Mother damage the relationship you have with her. Your GD needs you desperately no matter what she says about loving her Mother. Do not see the child's deep longings as in anyway a criticism or comment on the job you are attempting. Try to see the job ahead and not the 'what ifs'....you are probably mourning the loss of the daughter you wanted and are left with the daughter you have...the vulnerable adult who could have been so different. You can not change anything that's happened only influence what is within your control....the upbringing of your GD.
She needs you and no matter how she views her mother you know that what you can offer will be better in the long run. The fact that you are so emotionally confused only illustrates what a decent person you are....but sometimes you just have to limit what you can give to save yourself so that you can help your grandchild. All the very best.

jane1956 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:56:10

my friend was in a similar situation they now have full care of the two grandchildren 10, and 13, and have done for 3 years. hope you get any help that is offered x

Daddima Thu 06-Dec-18 17:41:01

When I was doing parenting classes we had quite a few grandparents who were kinship carers, but were struggling. Most of them had offered to take the child/children to prevent them going into care, but didn’t seem to have had a lot of possibilities offered to them, and not much in the way of support. I’d advise you to get as much information as you can, and find out what support you’ll be offered.

Iam64 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:12:21

Hello Grandad Garage - What a difficult time you've been having and I'm sure you know, it isn't going to be resolved any time soon.
I've pm'd you

Izabella Thu 06-Dec-18 20:18:35

... and so have I.

GrandadGarage Thu 06-Dec-18 21:23:27

Thanks for the replies, we (my wife is reading some) appreciate it; I just realised how silly my username is it’s because our GD can’t say my name smile

We should have a family meeting with social services soon so hopefully we can put a plan in place for everyone and in everyone’s best interests.

Thanks again and will post again at some point. God Bless

deaneke Fri 07-Dec-18 10:14:39

I have nothing to suggest....but would like to add what a wonderful post and wishing you hope and support. Take Care of yourselves too. All the best and a hug.

Maimeo Fri 07-Dec-18 10:24:22

GrandadGarage, I’m in tears reading your post... what a difficult situation to be in. You have done your very best so far and your little GD is lucky to have you on her side. Hilda’s post says it all, wonderful comforting advice. I wish you well and will keep your family in my prayers

Apricity Fri 07-Dec-18 10:36:29

What heartbreak for everyone. But in the middle of all this mess is a little 4 year old who didn't ask for any of it. I know a young woman now in her mid 20s who no one wanted in a very similar situation and whose life is now just one disaster after another.
I haven't been in the same situation but can only feel that this little one now needs you both so desperately. I do hope you are able to take her into your life as you have obviously taken her into your hearts already. Accept all the help and support you are offered from formal services and friends and family and give her a loving home. Best wishes to all of you. None of this is easy.

eilyann Fri 07-Dec-18 10:40:01

I too have no advice but sending thoughts and prayersflowers

blueberry1 Fri 07-Dec-18 10:55:16

I cannot advise on your situation but wanted to say that you and your wife are wonderful people to take on this full time caring role.I sincerely hope that everything works out well for you all.

GabriellaG Fri 07-Dec-18 11:11:04

Another post suggests offering to have your daughter live with you.
My advice is not to go down that route. She appears to be embedded in that lifestyle with many unsavoury characters, none of whom, I imagine, would be welcome in your home.
Your daughter may resort to stealing from you to fund her habits and she may well have 'visitors' when you are both out of the house.
Tough love. Encourage her from a distance but don't trust her promises...ever.
I wish you and your wife the best of luck in resolving this issue. It will be a long hard road. shamrockflowers

paddyann Fri 07-Dec-18 12:04:03

YOU want her ..thats what counts for now.IF or when her mother gets back on track things may change .For now as long as she has a loving home , a clean bed and food on the table you can relax a bit.You're doing your best .
I had a sister who was addicted to alcohol and my parents did everything in their power to help her ,nothing did.Her children were taken into care because my parents both had serious health issues.It broke their heart that they weren't allowed to have their GC .You can be proud that you are stepping up when needed

vickya Fri 07-Dec-18 12:13:04

All the best for you, wife and grandchild. And daughter too. I think those saying don't have daughter to live with you are probably right. You don't want her to smoke it in your home, do you? And congratulations on taking up grandchild's care. Look after yourselves. You need to keep healthy to do it.

4allweknow Fri 07-Dec-18 12:15:41

You and your wife have stepped up when needed. Your GD needs a loving stable home and you have already and indeed going to for as long as needed. Your daughter will only change when she wants to and no-one will make her do it. Must be so sad to watch your daughter destroy herself and not care about her daughter. Life has its casualties unfortunately and some can be fixed but some can't, you are at least helping prevent another by caring for your GD.

inishowen Fri 07-Dec-18 12:27:26

Bless you and your wife for stepping in. I think you need to see a solicitor to put things on a legal footing. You don't want your daughter starting another relationship and taking her daughter back.

Barmeyoldbat Fri 07-Dec-18 12:40:18

I would say take your gd to live with you and bring her up. We did this with one of our ad's and it didn't stop us living the life we wanted. We wanted to travel so we did and took her with us. She loved her mum and would at first spend weekends with her to give us a break and eventually after many years she was able to return home a mature well rounds child and cope with her parents hectic lifestyle. Please don't give up on her you will get so much joy from her.