Why would people do this?

I am very sorry for your loss and understand that you must be missing your husband very much. However, I wouldn’t worry about the name on the envelope/card. Be thankful your friends are thinking of you and sending cards. A name is just a name, friends are much more important

None of my younger female friends or family want to be known by their husband's name so have retained their own. Taking a husband's name is seen as perpetuating a patriarchal institution. I usually put first names only on Christmas cards to them as it's quicker than writing out 2 surnames. Older friends and family get the traditional treatment.
Personally, I totally support keeping your own name and not losing one's own identity through marriage although, of course, that maiden name was patriarchal in origin and I do understand the issues re any children's surname. However, the Spanish seem to manage it.

I do put first names only to a couple who live together but are not married as I don't know what surname to use.

So sorry Tanith. Condolences to you and everyone else here who has had a bereavement.
It's extremely weird to have cards addressed like that. Why change it at all?
I personally do not use the husbands Christian name. To me its as if you are not a person in your own right any longer. Strange custom. Bad enough changing surname. Thats my opinion. I know others feel differently.
Anyway never worry about it Tanith - silly people.

I have a relative who has VERY recently been widowed. I thought she would probably prefer to have her husband acknowledged at this time so I used Mrs (DH initial) Surname on her card, but in future years I will probably use her own initial. Though I believe traditional etiquette says you use the husband's initial until or unless the widow begins dating again.

That didn't work = sorry - there should have been a small flower motif there. First time I have tried that - and now the last.

That was a silly excuse tanith and probably sprang from fear of embarrassment (hers) although why I can't imagine. People do get frozen with panic wondering how to deal with the social niceties after bereavement and as she has been your friend for so long, she is probably trying really hard to not upset you - and she has got it all wrong. I wish you well. (flowers)

Culag I also will not be addressed as Mrs John Smith I remember when I first married receiving a card from a great aunt addressed in this way and being very annoyed I resented losing my surname which is an unusual one let alone losing my first name for a mans name! My late mother was happy enough to be addressed as Mrs David Smith and said that this was the correct form of address for a married lady, I guess I was a non conformist even then ??‍♀️
Tanita sorry for your loss; 3 months is no time at all you are not being over sensitive. ?

Anniebach is correct. Usage depends on which social circle you are in/writing to. I used to be involved in charity work in upper social circles and getting the right title was very very important. The rest of us do what we prefer, it's a free world.

tanith I think addressing the card as your friend did was so insensitive. As you said, how could she forget your name?

I am sure your lovely family will help get you through this first Christmas.

I personally hate being addressed as Ms even though I'm divorced, I'd rather either Mrs or nothing, just my name, but I can understand how upsetting it can be to have a surname missed off.
For friends and workmates I have always just put their first name, probably because half the time I have not known their surname! Married / widowed friends I always address the envelope to them even if I do know their husband/partner.
Missing a surname off must feel as if either your husband didn't exist or you weren't married. This Christmas will be difficult for you, I know. Just pause to remember the happy times you had and you'll get through the day.

I would find it strange having a different surname to my daughters .

Tanith, I understand you feeling upset, three months is no time at all following bereavement, especially the one you experienced (are experiencing)

I can only think of two close friends who took their husband's names on marriage, the rest of us kept our birth name. I know several couples who chose a new name, or made one by combining pieces of their own birth names. Friends in other countries where the tradition is not for women to give up their name and take their husbands, are always shocked by our tradition. I'm surprised that some people continue to find it a surprise when women remain a Ms birth name.
Ms has nothing to do with being widowed or divorced, its a choice that means women's marital/other status isn't announced as soon as they give their name.

Tanith and Teetime so very sorry for yours and your family's losses. I do hope you all have some support to give you some comfort.
How odd and distressing to have cards addressed just to your Christian name Tanith. I am guessing that these are classic cases of people just not knowing what to do when someone is bereaved.
Recently having lost my daughter I find people go to great lengths not to offend, upset, remind me. Mostly I say "I realise how difficult it is to say or do the right thing. Please don't worry about it". Other times it hits a raw nerve and I am not so gracious! It depends if I feel that they are behaving thoughtlessly or not.
To address unmarried couples I write Ms A Whatever and Mr A Whatever.

wildswan16 I do the same with long-term unmarried couples. There are a few in our family - I just address the cards to "Mary and John" rather than get tangled up with surnames.

I always my Christian name and the Surname I took when I married. I said earlier I did use my husband’s Christian name on our daughters wedding invitations, he was their father and if he had lived it would have been his Christian name on the invitation, I wanted him included even if it was only his name.

When my father was alive I addressed mailto both of them with his initials but if it was, for instance, mums birthday I would use hers only.
Now she is a widow I use her initial although, I believe but am happy to becorrected, that the correct thing would be to use his.
The only sensible thing to do is marry someone with the same initial!
? for Teetime and tanith, so many of us will be in your position one day, many are already there.

Teetime and tanith, you are entitled to use whatever names you like, and nobody should be trying to tell you any different, particularly when you are both going through bereavement.

I use Ms, as I feel that my marital status (happily married as it happens) is nobody's business but mine and my husband's. I have always refused to be known as Mrs Peregrine When, as I choose to be Ms Euphemia When. I was quite happy to take DH's surname, and thought it would be an advantage as my maiden name was always being mistaken for a more common one, but then he didn't tell me just how many ways there are of spelling his...

Teetime the merciful release came for your SIL after all.
tanith that was very peculiar of your friends to address you by first name only on the envelope!

I send cards to one of my BILs and his partner, I just write both their first names on the envelope.
When David was here, we were Mr and Mrs David S...…, but now I prefer it to be Mrs my name S...….
I remember when I was about 11 or 12, my uncle died, and when I wrote to my auntie I addressed it to Mrs Eric C...…., she was really angry about it, said it should have been Mrs Elsie C...….

So sorry for you both and your families teetime & tanith God bless you.

Tanith, three months is no time at all.

No not touchy at all

Thankyou for your kindness all , MOnica it’s been nearly three months but it feels like yesterday?

For long term unwed couples, I often just write their first names, too. I've just done that for a niece's daughter and her 'live-with'.

Personally I always disliked being addressed as Mrs (Dh's name) - I much prefer just my own name, no Mrs., not that I object to Mrs. at all.
It was a bone of contention between me and my very traditional mother, who said she was proud to be Mrs Husband's Name, and couldn't understand my objection.