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AIBU

Why would people do this?

(117 Posts)
tanith Tue 11-Dec-18 13:27:46

I have just received 2 more cards addressed to me by my Christian name only no surname. I was recently widowed and it seems that at least four people have stopped addressing me by my married name and I don’t understand.

One friend explained that she ‘forgot’ my surname, I was married 23 yrs and we’ve exchanged cards, the whole time how could she forget?
I’m finding it bloody annoying and upsetting to be honest I haven’t suddenly lost my surname because I’m widowed.

Got that off my chest 🤣 and breathe.

Teetime Tue 11-Dec-18 13:31:33

I see your point. I juts sent a parcel to my daughter who was widowed last week and wondered whether to use Ms instead of Mrs - opted for Mrs. I hope that was right.

Anniebach Tue 11-Dec-18 13:45:48

When my daughters were getting married I chose to send the invitations from Mrs Jack Bloggs and not Mrs Mary Bloggs , my sisters and mother were so annoyed !

wildswan16 Tue 11-Dec-18 13:49:53

I would never dream of leaving off anyone's surname. That seems very strange indeed. I'm not surprised you find it upsetting.

I remember years ago that ladies were always addressed as Mrs John Smith, and only when widowed would be Mrs Ann Smith.

I do have a problem writing the address on cards for long-term couples who aren't wed. I sometimes resort to just writing John and Ann, rather than the long scrawl of both full names. What do other people do?

Doodle Tue 11-Dec-18 13:50:53

teetime so sorry to hear about your SIL. I remember you recently mentioned how ill he was on another thread. Condolences to your family.

Anniebach Tue 11-Dec-18 13:57:16

A divorced woman is Mrs/Ms Mary Smith , a widow remains Mrs Jack Smith but now this is not adhered to

merlotgran Tue 11-Dec-18 14:43:25

I would address a widow as eg., Mrs. Mary Smith. It's the best of both worlds. I think being addressed by the husbands name might be more upsetting but then again maybe not?

Anniebach Tue 11-Dec-18 14:47:26

merlot I didn’t find it upsetting, the alternative for me was ‘ he never existed’

KatyK Tue 11-Dec-18 14:51:01

I admit to leaving off an ex colleague's surname on Christmas cards. She has been married four times and I have no idea of husband no. 4's surname and am a bit embarrassed to ask.

EllanVannin Tue 11-Dec-18 14:51:52

Wildswan I just write/address to my brother on the envelope then inside the card it's to both of them.

janeainsworth Tue 11-Dec-18 14:56:52

Tanithflowers and a {hug} for you.
I’d be upset too. The first Christmas without your DH will be hard sad
x

felice Tue 11-Dec-18 14:58:56

Easy here Women do not change their surnames, your birth name stays with you for life.
You can use your Husbands surname if you wish but not for anything official and both surnames must be on the door.

tanith Tue 11-Dec-18 15:02:13

Thanks everyone I guess I’m just extra touchy right now 😢

Anniebach Tue 11-Dec-18 15:05:01

No tanith you are not touchy or extra touchy. X

Oakleaf Tue 11-Dec-18 15:05:44

tanith You will come to understand and accept that there is no end to some people's ignorance and insensitivity when it come to bereavement. Thank goodness for the kindness and sense of the majority of people.

If you were Mrs Tanith Smith before he died, you are Mrs Tanith Smith now and always will be unless for any reason you decide to change your surname.

Culag Tue 11-Dec-18 15:26:00

I object to being addressed as Mrs ‘ John Smith ‘. I have my own first name, I am a person in my own right after all!

M0nica Tue 11-Dec-18 15:27:32

Tanith all condolences on your loss. The season of the year this has happened must be salt in the wound. flowers

Witzend Tue 11-Dec-18 15:32:59

For long term unwed couples, I often just write their first names, too. I've just done that for a niece's daughter and her 'live-with'.

Personally I always disliked being addressed as Mrs (Dh's name) - I much prefer just my own name, no Mrs., not that I object to Mrs. at all.
It was a bone of contention between me and my very traditional mother, who said she was proud to be Mrs Husband's Name, and couldn't understand my objection.

tanith Tue 11-Dec-18 15:34:37

Thankyou for your kindness all , MOnica it’s been nearly three months but it feels like yesterday😢

KatyK Tue 11-Dec-18 15:41:38

No not touchy at all flowers

silverlining48 Tue 11-Dec-18 16:20:06

Tanith, three months is no time at all. flowers

sodapop Tue 11-Dec-18 16:24:47

So sorry for you both and your families teetime & tanith God bless you. thanks

callgirl1 Tue 11-Dec-18 17:17:55

I send cards to one of my BILs and his partner, I just write both their first names on the envelope.
When David was here, we were Mr and Mrs David S...…, but now I prefer it to be Mrs my name S...….
I remember when I was about 11 or 12, my uncle died, and when I wrote to my auntie I addressed it to Mrs Eric C...…., she was really angry about it, said it should have been Mrs Elsie C...….

lemongrove Tue 11-Dec-18 17:20:56

Teetime the merciful release came for your SIL after all.
tanith that was very peculiar of your friends to address you by first name only on the envelope! flowers

Wheniwasyourage Tue 11-Dec-18 17:27:37

Teetime and tanith, you are entitled to use whatever names you like, and nobody should be trying to tell you any different, particularly when you are both going through bereavement. flowers

I use Ms, as I feel that my marital status (happily married as it happens) is nobody's business but mine and my husband's. I have always refused to be known as Mrs Peregrine When, as I choose to be Ms Euphemia When. I was quite happy to take DH's surname, and thought it would be an advantage as my maiden name was always being mistaken for a more common one, but then he didn't tell me just how many ways there are of spelling his...