I've had enough of hosting ungrateful guests.

If you let yourself be talked into having them to stay again, I think you should make it quite clear to them that meals are prepared at set times in you house, and if they if they don't put in an appearance at those times, clothed and in their right minds to quote the Authorized Version, they can go out to eat or go home,

Christmas is supposed to be a family occasion, so I would tell the child's mother that she is expected to be on parade when presents are being opened.

Hand her a list of the chores you need help with too.

@david1968 we have already agreed to go abroad. Whoever wants to come they can, she can come if she wants but I know she won't get her act together to make that happen!

I would expect different behaviour from a 30 year old but it appears that this is the way she has been brought up and she probably feels it is quite normal.

I really don't think I could put up with it but I wouldn't know how to handle it without causing a massive family rift. Perhaps you should speak to your husband and say you really won't be able to tolerate such behaviour next year and you expect him to convey that information to his daughter.

I'm sorry, it's the first time I have posted and I am doing it from my phone and missed a whole page of messages. Thank you @allsorts. I did know what to expect because she did it last year but her older sister was also here with her young child so they were a distraction. She is away this year. I love Christmas at home, I enjoy the prep and the cooking and family, my partner does it all with me. It has been important to me to create great memories of Christmas for my children, the same as I had growing up. I have never seen someone act that way. Don't get me wrong, my kids are lazy but they live with me. They would never go to someone's else's house and do that. I would still like to have Christmas at home but I am going to have to give that up to avoid having her behave like that again.

Good for you Bitemytongue!
At least your other Step daughter and daughter are appreciative of all the hard work you've put in.
It's a pity that all of you will not have another family Christmas Day again though and all because of this one person.
I don't blame you though, organising something different for next year.
I would have been fuming but as I'm not very good at Biting my tongue, probably would have said something to her.

@emelle oh dear. I feel for you. So rude

Thank you all for the comments. They have gone home. My partner has driven them which will be 2hr round trip for him. I feel sorry for him because he does a lot for them and they think a 'thanks Dad' is sufficient And it's not the way they were raised as his older daughter is completely different He doesn't like disagreements so I think he overlooks it to keep the peace but he knows that her behaviour is unacceptable. My daughter and I have just had a 5 min ranting session and put the world to rights. It won't happen again. As my daughter rightly said, she is such an awful example to her children. That will be their business, I don't have to get involved.

Urmstongran| Perhaps my advice wasn't heeded.

All these lovely helpful posts. And no response from biteme ? Hopefully she’s having some nice me time.

BiteMyTongue - I suggest that in January, you mention to all the family that you (and OH?) are going away next Christmas. Keep mentioning this on a weekly basis - and get something booked ASAP! A cottage (with only room enough for the two of you), a hotel, a holiday in the sun, or whatever you want. Start now!

.......

and that was in answer to Gabriella G 54’s idea.

I'm afraid she has behaved in this way because you have allowed it to happen over the years and made yourself a martyr to the cause too. It's time for you to change your behaviour either by not inviting them or telling your husband it's his turn next year to do everything and meaning it.

that’s exactly what I would have done! Give some people an inch, and they will take a mile! Hope you have a wonderful Christmas away on holiday next year ! ?

Allsortsofbags. Bravo. I truly salut you. That invaluable piece of wisdom is extremely useful for anyone who had a horrible Christmas, or a horrible anything else for that matter. So, thank you for that. Duly noted.

@bitemytongue...I do sympathize. Not excusing her behaviour but perhaps she is depressed.

It's not the younger ones either. Against my better judgement, I agreed to invite my MiL (90) to stay with us for Christmas Eve. I made a Traditional Christmas Dinner, a buffet breakfast Christmas Morning, she was kept well supplied with her requests for drinks and chauffeured to our daughter's house for Christmas Day. I didn't get a please or a thank you and she didn't lift a finger to help not even to put her breakfast dish on the kitchen sink. In fact she pushed it across the table in the opposite direction to me. I will not be making the same mistake again!

OOmamOO

I am Urmstongran though ..... ?

Well that was me told. Fair enough. I know now to report direct to HQ! I suppose it makes sense really. Mea culpa.

No your not Urmstongran!
Hence your post being deleted by GNHQ!

Wonderful post allsortsofbags.
We can’t change others .... only ourselves.

What do you mean buffybee? It was just my observation on the (to me) slightly off kilter topic. Am I not allowed to say that?

There seems little point in her coming, to be perfectly honest. The special food is lovely, and making extra efforts to give people what they like for a gift, and to eat, but the bigger part is catching up, socialising, and having the chance to talk to your loved ones in a relaxed atmosphere. She could plug in her microwave in her bedroom at home and have a pile of takeaways to reheat during the day. A ghastly way to spend Christmas when you do have a family who want to see you, but what's the point of a guest who spends all the time in her room?

Go away to a hotel next year!

I'd say to myself "Thank you for That".

Sounds sarcastic but it's not. I hated it when a trainer I had used to say it. But over the years I have come to realise what she was getting us to understand.

"Thank you for That" .... information about you, about your persistent behaviour, about your go to responses and so on.

Given that you have had this sort of behaviour from your SD before and you don't sound surprised by her actions - angry yes - disappointed by your OH, her dad, to intervene yes. And you already knew his "go to" position - little or no response.

You have and did have all the information you needed to reasonably predict his D's behaviour and it's effect on your Christmas expectations.

So maybe you need to ask yourself "What did I want the family Christmas to be, how did it look in your imagination" ?

Then ask yourself "How Likely was it - knowing what you already did about SD behaviour and OH GoTo response- for you to have a Christmas anything close to your Christmas Expectations?"

Then I think you have to accept that you knew before Christmas that you were never going to get the celebration anything close to what you wished for.

Also if I've read your post correctly your OH offered - wanted to go away- and you didn't. And it's OK that you wanted Your Christmas as you wanted it. But you were you ever going to get that Christmas?

His going away may be his way of "Getting Away From" his D behaviour and his dealing or not dealing with it. That's OK.

It's OK that you missed the cue - that you didn't see the clues - but now you are seeing them clearly. It's down to you what you do from here forwards.

Yes it is bad behaviour. Very bad behaviour, it's giving your SGC very bad messages, the AC is not being an Adult neither is she parenting. It's disrespectful, rude, it's abandoning of the younger child. It's wrong on so many levels.

However, it may be your SD and SGC's "Norms" and if they feel it's their "Parents Home" so even the AC reverts to being a teenager that is what they will do.

However much you didn't like your Christmas experience you can not change them. Your OH can not change them and it's not for you or him to try.

What you can do is ask yourself these questions :

What information did I already have about how they are likely to behave?

What was my Christmas Expectation?

Was I ever going to get anything close to my wish?

And the big one :

What do "I do" differently to make next year closer to how "I want" Christmas to be?

Going away will be an easy fix.

Firstly you won't be there to care for those "kids" of all ages - I'm including the SD the teenage SGD and your OH in the "Kids".

Also it may break the pattern of coming to yours so you can be the Parent/Grown Up and dogsbody to them.

Be angry, I'd be very angry but I would have to say I had enough information about How SD is that I should have taken different actions to look after myself and I didn't do that.

You wanted your OH to step in and be the Parent, the Grown Up and to either Stand Up With you or to Stand Up For You. Not an unreasonable wish but it seems as if the particular magic isn't going to happen for you. I'm sad for you about that.

But "Thank You For That" because now you are very clear about what you will get and what you won't get by way of your special Christmas.

You can not change another person unless they want to change so even if you OH had stood up with or for you it wouldn't have made much difference.

There probably would have been even more disruption/ Drama to upset you.

Do what You need to to take care of You and learn to use the information you have about other peoples behaviours honestly not to set yourself up for a hard time.

Good Luck and I am sad that you had to go through this Christmas for you to realise only those who care deeply for us care enough to work at changing their behaviour.

I hope you care enough about yourself to change your behaviour so you have better times.