Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

@Farmor15 Re toilet breaks, thanks! Well, I waited around for 40 minutes and she didnt appear out of the bedroom, then the dog started being sick so I took her out for a walk... When I got back it was nearly 2 o clock and still no sign of DIL...

Son told me later that DIL doesn't like our house and doesn't like our pets...I said well there's nothing we can do about it. I suggested she goes out to toddler groups and offered to take her places, but said it's difficult as she isn't being friendly. Because they compared me unfavourably to the Chinese Grandma, I compared DIL to a previous Chinese house guest who loved our house and said how much she had liked our house AND pets... I said that she had known we had them before she came and that (other Chinese house guest) had thought our house was great! It went down like a lead balloon as suspected, but I feel better

DH has been ill all day and DIL didn't even ask how he was...She only appeared at dinner time and ate dinner sullenly, then disappeared.

DS informed me that DIL had changed a nappy on her own today. Gs is 17 months old!!! Tried to be encouraging, but inside was thinking all sorts of things like why only now??? Because her parents did it all, before...

@icanhandthemback thanks,

You could report your first opening post Lavazza1st
GN may or may not delete it for you - if you think you have given too many personal details they may well do.

It may be easiest to just not post on the other thread and it will slip down the list.

About the toilet breaks - I used to bring toddler into bathroom with me - also do it when minding grandchildren! I think you’re right to be firm about that - she has options and if you take a 2 hour lunch break, that should be quite enough for her.

Sounds like dil is not very maternal- some women aren’t. I think in China a lot of women have to go back to work- sometimes even in another city- and grandparents do all the childrearing. She may have never really bonded with child.

You have to ask Admin to delete it for you, I believe Lavazza1st. That's our favourite coffee too, btw.

I don't know how to delete a thread, but it's a good idea to only have one and I'll delete the other one if someone doesn't mind telling me how.

Sorry, just read the other thread and realise that child is registered with GP
Ichtb with two threads running it is easy to become !

Ps I meant to say, today my son has just gone to a job interview.

I said no to giving her wee breaks because I work from home and I need to concentrate! I have enough trouble keeping my train of thought having them in the house as it is!
Potentially if I said yes to her having wee breaks, she could take the piss big time by hanging out in the bathroom on her phone every hour for a long time so that I'd end up looking after him, not her. Or she could up it and say she needs a bath...I wouldn't put it past her!

I know it sounds brutal, but I said that if she needs a wee, she needs to put him in the cot or buggy because either I am working or I maybe out on an appointment during 9-5. I am not always at home and can not change my work schedule for her because she does not want to be a parent. My other son who works in China has warned me that if I do not do what she wants, she may take the baby back to China to her parents. This could happen even if I DO do what she wants though. I am realistic about this and know I have no rights.

I've told my son to contact the HV and he is doing that today. I have said if I see her do anything dangerous, I will step in for Child Protection reasons but then I'll have a duty to report it.

DIL does skype with her parents so they do know what Gs is doing.

I don't know how to delete a thread, but it's a good idea to only have one and I'll delete the other one if someone doesn't mind telling me how.

The latest is, son asked me to give DIL toilet breaks (I work from home) but I said no because I can barely concentrate with all the extra noise in the house, am behind with my work due to all the disruptions and also she needs to make sure he's in a safe place herself. I also think she will quite literally take the piss if I give her an inch but I have said I will take a long lunch from 12-2 if she needs help then. It's a big compromise for me and really inconvenient, but I'm willing to take a long break and NOT willing for her to keep stopping me working every time she needs a wee just because she refuses to put him in the cot!

Knowing her track record with being on her phone all the time, she'd most likely be in there using it and my work would be getting even more behind! I pointed out that I was a single parent with a one year old, 3 year old and five year old to look after and no one gave me wee breaks (or any breaks) I just got on with it.

I feel so sorry for my son, he's doing everything he can while she behaves like an entitled princess.

ditzy Am I Being Unreasonable = AIBU

Sorry, just read the other thread and realise that child is registered with GP and it is the DIL, not the son's GF.

Lots of good advice on here, always easy to dish out but not always easy to follow. I put my foot down re childcare with my son, so he threw his toys out of the pram and I haven't heard from him in ten years now. Two grandchildren of whom only one seen, and that was ten years ago when she was 18 months old. I tried to resolve it, but being a selfish man, and prone to dig his heels in - like his mother! - there has been no response to my overtures. So I have put them all behind me, doesn't mean they are forgotten but if they care so little about me, they don't deserve me! It hasn't been easy, but I am in a happier place now I have accepted the situation. You need, perhaps, to issue an ultimatum, giving them six months to sort themselves out or else they'll have to leave. you have to think about yourself, this stress can't be good for you and life must seem miserable at times. Good luck.
Could someone please tell me what AIBU is, apart from being another stupid abbeviation?

May I suggest that your DS gets your Grandchild registered with a Dr so you get allocated a Health Visitor who will help with up to date nutritional advice. That would be far preferable to you (or us!) giving them advice which might be outdated. The way the Chinese feed their children might be very different to the way we do it so your son's GF might well be scared/worried about the differences. She might also be suffering from PND. Put yourself in her shoes. She's come to a strange country to live with strange people who have very different expectations of her. It must be overwhelming.
Meanwhile, your son is trying to juggle you, his GF and a young son. Are you sure he isn't just enlightening you as to the culture in Asia but without any expectation of you doing the same but where you are feeling overwhelmed too, you are seeing criticism? Is he just sounding you out about childcare just in case you jumped at the chance?
Let's look at the positives here. You have the chance at a relationship with your Grandson. In 2 weeks your son has not only moved half way across the world but has also managed to get an interview. He doesn't sound like a slacker but may need every encouragement to keep up the impetus. I would also encourage him to speak to an immigration specialist to find out the best way forward for his girlfriend. It is an oddity in this country that, even if you marry an English person, you cannot work until you get leave to stay. It is almost an open invitation to people to disappear, enter the Black Market for labour and be untraceable. Far better to give them an NHS number, let them work and be able to trace them.
I've had adult children move back home with their families and it has always been stressful. We found ground rules openly discussed made things slightly easier but mainly it comes down to a lot of give and take on both sides to make it work. Sometimes that means biting your tongue, smiling sweetly and calmly approaching the given problem.

It's certainly true that Chinese men's parents are expected to provide homes / raise the grandchildren, but that only applies in their culture. With men being in over-supply, it's hard for a man to find a wife, so he has to show himself to be able to support a wife and family, and his parents make sacrifices to make that happen.

But the other side of the coin is that , as the parents get older, the son and his wife will support his parents in their old age .

Your dil and son can't just expect you to take on the role of the Chinese family . They've left China, and can't expect to take advantage of Chinese customs now .

I like your teenage son’s comparison to feral cat ?.! The whole move must be a big shock to her and leaving her alone may best option for now.

I see you’re still posting on both threads- may be easier for you, and anyone else following your story, if you only post on this one from now on, avoids duplication. There doesn’t seem to be any way for Gransnet to merge 2 threads.

Good to hear that your GS is settling and eating well now. Eggs are great for children if they’ll eat them (read your post on other thread). You seem to be engaging better with your son now too.

You’ve mentioned feeling sorry for other grandparents- can you encourage your son to Skype/FaceTime them to show what GS is doing? Or because of time difference maybe just send photos or video clips. My grandchildren are in another country and I almost prefer video clips of them doing interesting things, to live chat which often seems awkward. You can rewatch the videos.

@ajanela I've never been a Granny before and to become Granny to a 17 month old that I've never met beforeis really exciting. He's a lovely little boy, but his mother isn't friendly or making any effort to be. I always thought she would be more friendly and happy to be here, but if I had known how sullen and difficult she would be , I wouldn't have been willing to put them up.

DH loves playing with Gs and we had a nice time tonight looking after him and playing while DS had a bath. Ds asked his son if he wanted to go and find Mummy and he shook his head so Ds asked us to play with him while he prepared for a job interview tomorrow. I can hardly believe DIL is not more supportive to DS or making more effort to fit in, but teenage son said wisely she's like our semi feral cat and we need to give her time to come to us Sometimes that boy surprises me! I think he's right though.
Maybe I just tried too hard ...I am calming down now and learning to be more laid back.

@Jalima1108 No my husband is not his Dad -hes been his stepdad since he was 8 and we always encoraged him to see his Dad. He used to regularly see him until his ex gf said his Dad was inappropriate to her when Ds went to the bathroom. I have never known if it was true or if the gf just didn't like him and made it up to separate Ds from his Dad. While he was in China he did tell his Dad that he had a baby but his Dad was more interested in the new baby his wife was expecting. So unfortunate!

It's a pity your DIL cannot work as she could probably earn good money as an interpreter or teaching Mandarin and could probably have found work very easily.
Your son could have stayed at home and done the child care.

The rules and regulations are quite stupid sometimes.

send him to his Dad's" So, when he came home from the job centre today and told me that they said he had to ask for loans from friends and family, I asked him when he was going to see his Dad.

Is your DH not your son's father, then?
If not, perhaps his father may be willing to help - does he know they are here? He would want to see his grandson surely?

I have read everyone of the posts so know what the Op is saying, I also looked at her other post.

Labazza you were not prepared for the difficulties of having them live in your house. Including homesickness of your DIL and different cultural norms.

I think we all find being a granny is a learning curve.

Please, the situation is as it is, so I hope you DH can bring some understanding to both sides feelings and you can all work together to find the best solution taking into consideration there is a child in the middle of all this.

Thanks so much for all the helpful posts. I have probably been an idiot to allow them to come here at all. I was so happy at the thought of finally seeing my Grandson that I may have let emotions cloud my judgement.

I couldn't buy him Vicks as I was looking after my Father who was really upset after a funeral. If my son didn't demand it at that moment and was willing to wait an hour or two then I could have. I have MANY family members relying on me, including one with dementia.

No, I don't want to try moving countries and I wouldn't ever get myself into that situation! I am pleased to see Grandson but don't feel able to be the Granny I would like to be.

anjela the OP was an excited Grandmother waiting to welcome them but has had the wind knocked out of her sails.
Her Son and family arrive with nothing and have no idea how to look after their baby, by not allowing him solid food, keeping him up till 11 at night, expecting child to play on his own and chastising OP when she tried to play with him.
Son is entitled and is behaving like a brat, hinting that he expects them to buy him a house and a car.
The child's mother has been very hostile towards the OP and seems as though she wants nothing to do with her and doesn't seem to be happy or want to be there anyway.
The fault lies with the idiot Son, arriving with his wife, who can't look after the baby properly as her family did all the child care and with no money and no job and a bad attitude.
I would be absolutely fuming.

They have only been here 2 weeks?

What do you expect in 2 weeks? They arrived jet lagged and tired expecting a welcome from an excited grandmother. You offered for them to live with you until he got a job. Now you are being very hostile and appear to dislike your son and unkind to your grandson by standing on your principles of not buying Vick which you suggested he needed it. All after 2 weeks?

I am sure your DH can talk with them better than you and hopefully improve relationships.

You want to try moving countries without a pre arranged job and get everything sorted in 2 weeks.
Sorry if I sound hard but I have moved countries.

You need to suggest the happy couple move out and find their own place.