Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

MMMM, an interesting and thought provoking dilema from a new comer.

I await developments.

My thoughts too phoenix

You are certainly notBU! Anyway babies aren't very expensive. I see 2nd hand prams and cots very cheap.
It's when the children get older they cost more.
That was wise advice to listen to the health visitor rather than you telling them. Bite your tongue but don't keep them forever and certainly don't give up your job.
I wish you luck!

Nobody with any self-respect would ever make such demands on their parents. They should be grateful that you're keeping them.

Won't applications have to be made if she's going to be a permanent resident here ?

Lavazza1st Can I go back, perhaps a decade, when your son was a little boy did you do your best to give him everything he wanted whenever he wanted it?

I ask this because your son's behaviour is very reminiscent of the behaviour of adult children who throughout their life have had their parents running round giving them everything they want , getting them out of trouble and making their life trouble free.

You probably need to break the habit of lifetime and tell your DS that he is a grown adult man, old enough to be married and have his own child and that it is now his turn to man up and provide for his family and not expect his mummy to wait on him hand and foot.

He says he cannot get a job. I am sure he can get something, even if it is a zero hours job in a supermarket, or elsewhere in the gig economy. Beggars cannot be choosers. He can work in that while looking for the career job he is expecting.

I would tell them that you have done all you can, they must now be self-sufficient and contribute one way or another to the costs of your joint household or move out and stand on their own 2 feet.

You, in your turn, must leave the upbringing of the baby to its parents, fashions in child rearing come and go, the baby is unlikely to come to any harm. Nothing is less conducive to intergenerational good relations than a grandmother who thinks she knows more about bringing up children than a child's parents. You don't, I don't, my parents didn't when I was a new mother. Did you let your parents and parents in law interfere in the nurture of your son when he was small?

As for buying houses, other countries, other ways of doing things. Parents in Britain expect their grown married children to stand on their own two feet, find their own housing and provide for their own family. Those are the customs in the UK.

Hello ok! Is this your first post? If so welcome!

I agree with Cold.

It's definitely not reasonable for them to expect you to pay for everything. If GPs want to buy a few things or to provide child care, that's very generous, but it is by no means a requirement.

I also agree that you are BU in terms of feeding the baby. First of all, it's not your baby. Secondly, you don't provide any information on how old the baby is. Babies under 6 months of age should have breastmilk or formula only. After 6 months they need an additional source of iron, but breastmilk or formula should continue until 1 year. Absolutely no straight cow's milk should be given until 1 year - it's low in iron and can cause GI bleeding, causing iron loss and increasing the risk for anemia. I recognize you may have done things differently with your children, but as knowledge increases, standards change. This is the current evidence-based recommendation.

Well, if in "her" culture the grandparents buy a house, car etc, then let them! As long as it's her parents, of course.

The counter argument/point, is "when in Rome........"

TBH, I think you have done more than enough for this ungrateful couple.

I think that their expectations that you will provide houses and cars for them are totally unreasonable - as is their request for you to give up work to care for their baby - what do they think is supporting them at the moment? Therefore you need to put your foot down and make it clear that they need to earn their own money and pay for their own living costs.

Where I think you are BU is to force your own opinions on baby feeding onto them. You don't say how old the baby is but I would keep out of it as it is their baby and their parenting decisions to make. I actually don't understand your point about the milk at all - you say that the baby is currently having 4 x 90ml of formula or 360ml - but you want them to "cut down" to a pint of cowsmilk but that if 568ml so actually more? This is where the baby's age is important as cowsmilk is not recommended until at least one year.

It doesn't matter what they say, think or demand.

They are "not the boss of you* (as my teenagers used to say) so don't act as if their mess is your problem. It isn't.

You have been very generous "buying everything" for them (why?) so maybe they imagine you're a soft touch and you'll continue to do so.

Please put your foot down and stop being such a doormat. They'll treat you like one if you behave like one.

They need to grow up and sort their parenting out and their work issues. As long as you have input they'll see you as the spare wheel and you'll be responsible or to blame for things that go wrong.

You don't owe them anything nor should you bow to their financial demands. It is up to you to stand up to them and make it absolutely clear you will continue with your life and they'd better make efforts to improve theirs.

As for them not being good at child care - babies don't come with a manual. We learn as we go and we do our research and ask questions of the health visitor or GP. The child should be getting regular growth checks and his diet will be discussed then. Your DIL has to be in that driving seat, not you.

Well what he says makes no sense on any level. They haven't got jobs and until they do what would be the point in you giving up work? Can't two adults care for one child why would it need three? He needs to grow up, he got himself in this situation and now he needs to find a job to get himself out of it. He chose to come home where parents do not buy houses and cars for their children so why did he choose to come back? Could that be because he thought life would be easier? How is he comparing you to the other Grandparents?

Yes and no!!
Your son has ended up , as many do, with responsibilities he cannot maintain. It it immaterial where his wife is from. The child is now his responsibilty. Different cultures do have different expectations but when they blend there must be compromise!
You clearly cannot afford to give up your income. That is unreasonable of your son!
If they are living rent free with you that seems enough! Not sure what line of work he is in, or about the time line of work/ pregnancy/ uni. If you are home in the evenings/ weekends maybe he can find some work when you are home. Is his wife able to work in UK? Not 100% sure of current rules!