Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

Lavazz I relied to ou on other thread in similar vein re taking out emotion! Good luck! [

Thanks for response. Just take it day by day and don't forget to get some rest yourself!

@Elrel you can buy a baby version of Vicks. I woulnt think it costs much. He found money to go to Mcdonalds today so I'm not too concerned.
Thankyou, yes he is and I hope so. I feel sorry for her parents who must be missing him and aware that if they can snatch him away from them and bring him here then they dont honor that bond. My son did 3 years of college and a year at uni - the girl is the same age and has a degree but cant legally work

Lavazza - I'm wondering what your son did between school and university, I thought he was only about 21, is the young woman 25 too?
Vicks cost quite a small sum, can't he even find money for that, and is it ok for a toddler?
I hope you are able to enjoy being with your grandchild at least some of the time. The little boy is so innocent and quite oblivious of the difficult situation his parents have got themselves into.

@GabriellaG54 Thanks so much. I really wish it wasnt real and can only think his preferential treatment in China has made him this entitled. Also he lived with her family there and they did do everything. I will be saying no a lot, I think

Lavazza1st
Thanks for replying.
I must be fair and tell you that I didn't think it was a real situation.
I couldn't imagine a son (and I have 5 children (men and women) 10 GC and 4 GGC) actually expecting a parent to fund all their living expenses plus hinting about a car and house.
Much as we love our children, we sometimes don't like their attitudes or agree with their expectations but we need to negotiate carefully if we still want to see our grandchildren. It shouldn't have to be that way but sometimes it's the only way.
I can only commend you for opening your home to them, knowing they can't make any meaningful contribution but please, don't allow yourself or your husband to be edged or cajoled into making promises or offers that you're not comfortable with and might later regret.
It's sometimes very difficult to say no or refuse a request, especially if the request is couched in such a way as to make you feel guilty by saying no.
No can be the hardest word but then honesty is always the best policy and we all have to swallow the odd bitter pill in life. It makes the happy times all the sweeter by comparison.
I wish you all the very best in your efforts to help your son and his family whilst hoping you bear in mind that helping himself is the best way for him to learn the responsibilities he has brought on himself.
We value the things we work for much more than those laid at our feet.
Take care.

Thanks Tillybelle, it helped to read that!
I like what you said and I like the broken record method
I'm well aware they may be using the baby as a bargaining chip, so I'm not spending much time with him and leaving all the care to them.

@M0nica I don't get the "trophy" thing either...

@moonbeames yes I have stopped buying things. My son actually stormed out of the house the other day because I said he needed Vicks and he asked me if I had any and I said no. I am not giving them any explanation, but have simply stepped out of the game. They can wonder why I am distant, but for my own sanity's sake I don't want to tell them how I feel and give them power. I would prefer to keep them wondering what the hell is going on with me!

@GabriellaG54 Yes I do feel like I'm being threatened a bit. I have decided not to tell them how upset I am and not to show any emotion because I don't want to give them any power. That's why I am writing about it all here instead. What I am doing is keeping them all at arms length and getting on with my own stuff. I don't want to bond too deeply with a baby that may be used as a ransom and taken away when it's not provided.

Do not give up your job. This is his mess and he can clean it up. If they are living with you rent free, that is enough. Stop buying them things, they think that you are a cash cow. Not good. I agree with "they are not the boss of you, so stop acting as if this is your problem" Love that. Keep working.

@GabriellaG54 thankyou! I have no idea about the airfare but assumed they had already booked it? No we don't have a spare car. My husband and I share a car and he uses it for work- I manage by walking/ public transport. They have not paid for food. It has been me doing the cooking, washing etc mainly, though my son has done some laundry and they have both cleaned up the highchair after meals and done some washing up.

@Buffybee I didn't agree to keep them! I agreed to buy things they'd need because they obviously couldn't bring much on the plane...and then because they were jetlagged and she was miserable, I didn't want to bring up money too soon. My husband is going to sit them down and talk to them about money. I don't want to do it because he is better at this sort of thing. My son is 25, he has BTEC and a year of a degree, so basically a foundation level certificate really in terms of education. Certainly he would have been in a much better position if he had continued with and completed his degree.

@sharon103 I'm not sure if I'm hard enough to do this, but if pushed hard enough I will be!

@Jalima1108 I agree with you and wish they would take responsibilty for his diet, but they never have because her parents did it.

Also...when I told my friend that they said in China the groom's parents buy a house and a car for them, she laughed like a drain and said "send him to his Dad's" So, when he came home from the job centre today and told me that they said he had to ask for loans from friends and family, I asked him when he was going to see his Dad. I didn't comment about it, but told my husband and have no intention of handing over any cash. They can get a budgeting loan anyway, if they are short of cash. I'm not THAT stupid.

You seem a bit more calm now you've let it all out on this thread and your other one regarding the baby's food Lavazza.
Sometimes it does you good to vent and get feed back from others, even if you are no further forward with everything.
It's been a big upheaval for all of you but I think that in a few more weeks you might feel differently about it all.

@caocao I chose my user name because it's my favourite coffee and I would like Lavazza first before starting my day (ideally!) It honestly means nothing any deeper!

My son did a summer holiday voluntary placement in China while at uni- then he left his uni course to go and live there because the employer offered him a paid job and he had become close to the translator. Unfortunately this is why he never finished his degree.

Yes, she is on a tourist visa until June when she will need to return to China and apply for another one. At best she can get another six month visa each time until he's earning enough to start applying for the spouse visa. Apparently the whole process can take five years, which must feel daunting.

China has been moving away from its one-child policy since 2013.
Yes, but the sons who are perhaps expecting that their wealthy parents will buy them houses are of the generation up from these children.
Not all are wealthy, of course, but many are.

I think the problem is that this is all 'Lost in Translation' to coin a phrase.

You may have to have a calm chat with your son and point out the old adage 'When in Rome' etc.

However, as for food, the little one needs to have the food that he is used to and introduce Western food very gradually. His health is important.

My goodness, they're taking the p..s. You're too soft. Write a letter for them to take to the council stating that you will be evicting them on a certain date and that they will be homeless. As my mother used to say, You made your bed, now lie in it.

Well Lavazza1st, I really hope it works out for all of you and please, remember your own wishes too.
You and your life matter.

Buffybee that's so true. I don't feel we can do more than we have done and we continue to pay for food but since the complaints about our home and the ungratefulness I've encountered I don't feel inclined to do more at this time.

saud said

...and who will tip up for the airfare?
The OP hasn't saud how old her son is, what qualifications or work history he has or anything about who buys their food, does the washing, housework, cooking etc. Do they have a separate car so son can go for interviews further afield?

GabriellaG54 she will take him with her
M0nica thanks so much for that!

Who will look after the child when the son's partner goes back to China to renew her visa?

China has been moving away from its one-child policy since 2013.

The same is happening with purchasing a house for them. In big cities and urban areas property is expensive and parents no longer buy their child a house. It is more like in the UK, where the Bank of Mum & Dad provide some or all of the deposit.

Here is a quote from a site about Chines customs
In China nowadays, parents cares so much about their child that they impede the whole generation to become independent. If the spoiled generation can not stand out and take their responsibility to pursuit their own happiness including their wedding house without parents’ pure sacrifice, I don’t we will have a very bright future.

I think you have to be firm and tell them straight. Won’t be easy I’m sure, but they need to take responsibility for their own lives.

The only way that this is going to work is by your Son getting a high paying job so that he meets the criteria to apply for a spouse visa.
If he can't do that before June when his wife/girlfriends visa runs out, then she will have to return to China alone and that will give him more impetus to find the right job.
Do you think that he is failing to get the high paying jobs because he didn't complete his Degree?
You mentioned that your Dh wants him to get any job so that he can pay his own way but surely you agreed to keep them until they got on their feet.
Don't tell me he just got them all in a plane and presented you with a fait accompli.