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AIBU

Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

(189 Posts)
Lavazza1st Fri 08-Feb-19 16:16:07

They want me to pay for EVERYTHING!!! I was so excited to become a Granny, so I bought them everything they would need to start their life here. Previously, my son lived in Asia where he worked for 3 years and got his translator pregnant.

He messed up his uni degree to go and be with her. He really wanted to come back to uk so, we said they could stay with us while he found a job, but he's finding it harder than he thought to find one and he's getting really angry / stressed.

The baby only eats white foods and theyre giving him 4 x 90 mls of formula a day. I have told them they need to cut it down to a pint of milk a day and give him nutritious foods. They don't seem to know what they're doing and I think her parents did all the child rearing before. They wanted me to give up my job to care for him while they work and I said no because I can't afford to. They also said (in HER culture) the parents buy the new couple a house and a car and the grandparents buy all the clothes and everything for the baby! I feel cross that they are comparing me negatively to the other Grandparents and can't afford to do what they are asking! Much as I'd love to be a Granny, I can't help thinking they might have been better off staying where they were. AIBU

Lavazza1st Sat 09-Feb-19 15:24:53

Thanks for your response, yes I feel that it's his responsibility and although he has tried every manipulation and guilt trick to get me to provide all sorts of full time child care (I work for a living!) and clothes, nappies etc I feel it's his responsibility too.

Gaggi3 Sat 09-Feb-19 14:54:41

When DDs were very young they tried to tell me that all their friends stayed up late, sat in the front seat of the car and had unlimited pocket money. Didn't believe that either.

Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 14:39:29

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nanasam Sat 09-Feb-19 14:35:15

OP has just started another thread about the milk baby milk!

M0nica Sat 09-Feb-19 14:28:56

Tilly it is very difficult to tell, but possible indications, and they are only possible, are an OP, who starts a thread and never returns to it. an OP that is a bit short on detail, or contradictory or an OP who reposts to make the plot even more tangled - but a thread can have all these doubtful features and still be absolutely genuine.

It really is very difficult to tell.

phoenix Sat 09-Feb-19 14:17:17

Just noticed, in the OP it was stated that they expect Lavazza1st to look after the child while they work, yet the son hasn't managed to find a job yet!

Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 14:10:22

All I could find on a quick search was this:

Traditionally, Chinese parents are supposed to buy a house for their son before his marriage.

from www.quora.com/Traditionally-Chinese-parents-are-supposed-to-buy-a-house-for-their-son-before-his-marriage-Is-that-reasonable

But remember, Chinese children, traditionally, are expected to obey their parents without question....

phoenix Sat 09-Feb-19 13:50:58

I notice that Lavazza1st hasn't responded hmm

Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:49:27

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Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:45:38

mcem. Oh dear! It often is! One can but try.....

Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:44:44

Day6. You speak very good sense! just had to agree with every word you said! Thanks.

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 13:38:01

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Esspee Sat 09-Feb-19 13:35:52

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Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:30:57

Lavazza1st. I can't believe it! Of course YANBU! Just because her culture does one thing does not mean your/our culture has to change. That is just manipulative of her! She is living in your culture! You have been very kind and generous! Of course you can't give up your job! Anyway, I deeply suspect that in her culture all families do not buy everything like that as they are trying to tell you! It would mean that all Grandparents would need to be extraordinarily rich, especially if they had several children!! Your son knows this is unreasonable. If they want this kind of free ride then they will just have to go back to her parents! Just tell them that! How on earth do they imagine you could afford all that and give up your job as well? Are they particularly stupid? No, this is manipulation. Stand up for yourself. Give them a time-frame. Three months to find a place to live because they must leave by then. That is a reasonable time in which to become fully responsible for their own family. That might hasten your son's attempts to find employment.

I think they are being very spoilt brats! Sorry to be so blunt, but perhaps it might help if you showed them what another person (me!) thinks of what they are doing to you! After all in her culture, her parents could just as easily turn things round and say she married a different culture so she has to accept their norms about who buys a house for them! In other words it works both ways!

I have to say, your son was very quick to give up his degree to be a father. Many people carry on studying, coping as best they can, knowing that the qualification at the end will offer them a better chance of a bigger income and more stable employment in the long-term.
They are responsible for their situation, they have to deal with it. They are lucky to have a roof over their heads at the moment and everything they needed bought for them. They should not take this for granted.

As for the nutrition of the baby, I do not know how you can alter a mother's regime apart from talking to her. How old is the child? Does she take him to the baby clinic? Maybe they could advise.

They may have got the wrong impression when you set them up so well here, but that was simply you being a very kind Grandmother. I know, I have done a lot of things myself which have been taken for granted, and I suspect they have taken you for granted here.

Hold your ground. Do make sure that they are not the only thing in your life, as well. They are using you and may well turn round and leave if they get a better offer elsewhere. Please make sure you have friends, activities and interests and your job. In other words a full life of your own which gives you satisfaction, especially if they were to depart. It is good for them to see, also, that you have a full life that is not just revolving around them and their demands.

Put yourself first please. Be firm. Never feel guilty about saying no. Regard your home as the Head Office of the Company you own and you are CEO. Let them see you have CEO attitudes in your home - what you say goes! Don't let them start endless arguments or battles. Just keep it simple. State that you do not pay for xxx. / You do not give up your job. /Of course the culture here is different and it is just as good. (not better - no competition - but it is a valid culture and your job and position as a woman is as important as any CEO who is a man in any other culture)./ You have your own needs and rights./ You have the right to be respected. / They must be responsible for themselves and their child like all other parents.
Just use the broken record technique. Don't explain, don't get upset, just repeat the simple honest obvious truth!

Wishing you everything good. Be strong! I feel confident in you! Please let us know.. flowers

BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:23:11

Annaram you keep white foods inside white goods in the White House

BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:21:56

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mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 13:19:38

Ps that includes op who might have been a bit more specific at the outset!
Distinctly odd!

Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 13:17:34

Yep, half term here in Trafford area too. ?

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 13:17:18

Asia is an enormous continent so how can anyone make such sweeping statements?

Annaram1 Sat 09-Feb-19 13:13:22

By the way, what are white foods?

Nanny41 Sat 09-Feb-19 13:01:06

What a cheek, they wsould count themselves lucky to be living in your house,and not paying a penny,where she comes from I imagine houses are cheap as they are in Asia but why cant your Son try to get work,any work, and why should YOU give up work to mind the baby,what a couple! Do not be used any more.

Annaram1 Sat 09-Feb-19 12:59:16

No doubt in Asia houses, cars. furniture and baby things cost a lot less than they do here. Let them go back there where no doubt somebody will provide them with the luxuries of life while they have endless kids. Lazy scroungers!

BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 12:57:54

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caocao Sat 09-Feb-19 12:37:55

Sorry should say "does that name MEAN..."

caocao Sat 09-Feb-19 12:36:05

Lavazza1st - does that name we are supposed to "wake up and smell the coffee" ?
Some things in the post don't make sense.
Did the son meet his translator while working in Asia or did he walk out on a degree course to go and be with her?
The grandchild is already here and yet the OP says "much as I'd love to be a Granny" ?
And yes there has to be a certain level of income or savings in order to bring a spouse to live here, so are they just on a visitors or student visa?