Gransnet forums

AIBU

Why don’t my child’s GP want to see their GC?!

(19 Posts)
IAmWhatIAm Thu 28-Feb-19 20:32:35

Don’t want to drip feed so this is long sorry.

My child and two other children from another mother are in one boat, the GC from GPs daughter are in another boat.

Their sons’ children never see them. Older kids (my child’s half siblings) are estranged and no contact between parents for last 5 years. GP’s kept up contact for about 3-4 years about twice a year. The story they told me was they want to see GC, not the mother, but she won’t allow contact without being present. However they have also said things like ‘we play with the kids at the park and she (their mother) sits on her phone’ so not like she’s getting involved in the visit as such, no awkward conversations to make etc?? Maybe IABU here?

Then my situation. I’ve had a rocky time with their son who suffers from unstable mental health at times, drug use and Jekyll and Hyde tendencies. They are aware and have seen first hand how he can be. I too won’t be without my young child, but mine and their sons relationship is still good, he sees our child when he likes, though we don’t live together mainly due to his violent outbursts but also because of his work. I’ve tried and tried to keep up contact with them with my child, often messages are ignored or vague responses saying they will let me know but never do. In the end it was embarrassing for me being rejected so frequently so I stopped asking for meet ups. My child has seen them once this year at a family event for a couple of hours. They live 20 minutes drive away and I offer to go to them or can they suggest something they’d like to do etc.

Their daughters’ children they see daily, they live very close by but still I’m offering to go to them so not like that’s a hardship for them.

My questions are -
Can you tell me why you think they wouldn’t take me up on my offer to meet up?
AIBU to of thought they’d want to see (all) their GC growing up given the chance?
Are you in a similar situation and what can you suggest I do from here?

Well done if you got this far! 😴

kittylester Thu 28-Feb-19 20:35:33

iamwhatiam, hello and welcome to gn, if you are new.

Grannyben Thu 28-Feb-19 20:38:41

I'm really sorry but I'm finding it very difficult to understand who is related to who. I was rather lost with the children in the boat. Sorry

IAmWhatIAm Thu 28-Feb-19 20:40:00

Hi, I am quite new (and not a gran) but since this issue may strike a cord with grans on here I thought no harm in posting 😬

IAmWhatIAm Thu 28-Feb-19 20:42:23

GP have 1 son with 3 kids, 1 daughter with children.
Sons children don’t get seen
Daughters children get seen daily

Sorry quite hard to write without being too specific

sodapop Thu 28-Feb-19 22:11:13

So why do you say you are not a gran when your son and daughter have children.
I'm sorry but can't follow your posts.

Newmom101 Thu 28-Feb-19 22:17:59

Also finding it hard to follow. I think you need to be clearer OP.

I think you are a parent? And you have children, but their grandparents rarely see them? But they visit their other grandchildren daily? But the grandparents aren't your parents?

Beau Thu 28-Feb-19 22:32:19

OP's child has 2 half siblings from her partners previous relationship. Her child plus these 2 children from her partners previous relationship are pretty much ignored by her partners parents. However the partners parents also have a daughter with children - these grandchildren they see all the time. That's what I understand anyway - sounds as though the issue is with their son, doesn't it? I don't know what to suggest. At least OP's child is still invited to 'family events' so probably all is not lost and the situation could change with time.

allsortsofbags Fri 01-Mar-19 02:15:30

Sadly I suspect the GP's don't see their son's children much because they don't want to.

They have chosen not to be an integral part of those children's lives and that choice makes sense to them.

There could be any number of reasons and the only way anyone will ever know the GP's reasons will be if the GP's are willing to talk to you about their reasons. I think that is a very unlikely conversation.

That, sadly for you OP, is their right. As much as it hurts you they have the right to choose of who they see, how often, for how long and where. They don't even need to give you a reason or even an excuse.

They may feel that because of their son's inconsistent/disruptive relationships they don't want to get close to those children for fear of losing them later. They may not like his ex or you, who knows?

I'm not sure what insights GNers can bring.

It is sad for you and sad for the children involved but your likelihood of getting an answer that satisfies you is probably very small. Or nil.

May be they have a better relationship with their daughter and feel that they have a better chance of having a long term consistent relationship with her children. Who knows?

As a GP I don't personally understand their reluctance to be part of the grandchildren's lives but their choice is their choice and for their reasons.

It seems the best you can do is get on with your life with your child and be happy.

It clearly is a sad situations for you, your child and the other children. I'm not sure there is much you can do to change your relationship with your ex's parents. Stay open to visits, be kind to yourself, your child and the PG's and see how things work out over time.

Wishing you the best of outcomes.

BlueBelle Fri 01-Mar-19 05:03:03

I have great difficulty understanding what this is all about and what you are asking
My child and two other children from another mother
So your son has two step children?
The grandkids from the other grandparents daughter Do you mean the other mother’s sisters children ? So are the children all cousins ?
You say you’re not a grandmother but you have a son with children ?? (And they are all in boats )

Well Allsortofbags seems to have understood your post so I m going to leave itvto her to sort it all out for you

Esspee Fri 01-Mar-19 07:58:21

Sorry OP but it seems to me that they simply want to distance themselves from their son as he seems, from the little you have said about him, to be unstable.
It is wrong that the children are the ones to suffer but I can understand them not wanting to be involved as the chances of the complete breakdown of their son's contact with his partners and the children mean that they would have the agony of never seeing them again.
Can I ask you why you continue in a relationship with this man? You don't live together because of his violent outbursts but he has access to your child?
Your relationship is not "still good". Are you not worth more?
If you were my daughter I would suggest you leave this apology for a man and get on with your life as a single parent.

Esspee Fri 01-Mar-19 08:03:22

BlueBelle. Someone is in distress and has not expressed her OP clearly. She is reaching out for help.
It would have been kinder not to reply with an attitude like yours.

Faye Fri 01-Mar-19 08:33:34

OP you will probably never know why they are not interested in any of their son’s children. Some GPs are like this, more interested in their DD’s children. Or they have one or two favourites.

My advice is don’t bother with them. It’s not nice for your child and his/her half siblings to be second best. If they had more contact they would notice and be hurt.

M0nica Fri 01-Mar-19 08:45:29

Essentially grandparents are ordinary people like everybody else not a separate species. Ordinary people come in multiple kinds, nice, nasty, loving unloving and plain nasty, and that is just a small sample.

Ordinary people when they become grandparents still act like ordinary people. Some are loving and kind and embrace all their grandchildren, some have no interest in any of them and some have favourites or some kind of grudge against one child or their partner.

The answer to your question: Why don’t my child’s GP want to see their GC?!. Is quite simply is that it doesn't really matter whether there is a reason or not. If the grandparents do not want to see any or all of their grandparents, nothing their children and their partners do will persuade them to behave otherwise.

The most sensible thing to do is accept the estrangement, and get on with your lives. Loving grandparents certainly enhance childhood, but they are not essential and millions of children grow up very happily and untroubled by the lack of some or all of their grandparents in their lives.

IAmWhatIAm Fri 01-Mar-19 09:28:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmWhatIAm Fri 01-Mar-19 12:33:33

Try again to reply properly. Beau has the measure of it so will copy what was said so hopefully makes more sense to those struggling.

OP's child has 2 half siblings from her partners previous relationship. Her child plus these 2 children from her partners previous relationship are pretty much ignored by her partners parents. However the partners parents also have a daughter with children - these grandchildren they see all the time.

To address some concerns

My child is never unsupervised while in the company of dad who can turn violent.

I basically do live a single parent life and do get on with it but wanted to try one last time to get more ideas for why this is happening and what I can do to remedy it.

I am worried about the implications to my child’s wellbeing (mental) when they discover that half of their family basically neglected to have any sort of relationship with them. I will do everything I can to create secure mindset but I do still have concerns.

I think the most likely reasons are that the GPs don’t want to see me (though they’re friendly towards me and it doesn’t seem awkward) so perhaps if/when I’m ready to let my child go places alone things will change (though it seems a bit too little too late by that point!) AND/OR they don’t want to become attached to a GC who they believe may be stopped from seeing them further down the line (I have explained I won’t do that but I want to be there - that’s non negotiable at this stage).

Thank you so far for taking the time to respond and make suggestions.

Farmor15 Fri 01-Mar-19 13:16:26

Does your child have a relationship with your parents? Many children only have one set of grandparents anyway - others may have died or live in another country.

I would continue keeping some level of contact with ex's parents, but not worry too much about lack of contact with them having a negative effect on child.

Neti Fri 01-Mar-19 13:55:01

Hi IAmWhatIAm.

It sounds like you're wanting to understand the rationale for the GP's attitude.
Second guessing is never a good idea and you'll never know if you are correct even if you do settle on an answer.
Continuing this line of thought can be exhausting and distract you from what's in front of you,your wonderful children.

My suggestion is to try to forget about this and to continue to be the best mum you can be.

IAmWhatIAm Fri 01-Mar-19 20:49:56

Thanks that’s basically where I’m at. I literally just thought I give it one last shot. Good advice. Thanks all.