To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

I sincerely hope that in time your children will come to their senses and stop being so selfish.. and realise what a wonderful loving Mother they were lucky to have, and therefore will naturally want you to enjoy happiness for it’s is so truly deserved.. if after a reasonable amount of time has elapsed and still they are behaving like immature spoilt brats ... then may l respectfully advise.. you remove those tinted glasses they wear for them... by giving them the’real truth about their late Father okay What ever you do don’t let
this lovely Gentleman go because of them ....
Wishing you very happiness Good Luck
[ shamrock]

I can't believe how selfish and self centred adult children can be sometimes. I've been alone since my forties, almost 30 years and believe me I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I never met anyone because I concentrated solely on my children and grandchildren. Now that they have all moved on with their own lives I've never been as lonely as I am now, even though I try to lead an active social life. I would try to find out what the real reason for their hostility is - are they are worried about losing their inheritance, or free childcare - or both? You only have one life OP, don't let your children dictate how you should live it.

I think it is always difficult if you are lucky enough to find another partner after the death of your husband/wife, more so if there are children from either previous marriage. Although your DC have the very best intentions they will not always be able to ensure that you won't be 'lonely'. Their lives will get complicated and time will get short, it wouldn't be fair to either of you for them to try to commit to such a promise. I agree that you need to stand your ground, I was widowed 21 years ago when my DH died at 46 years old after a heart attack. I really miss the ordinary day to day things you do when you have a partner, it isn't the same when you are on your own. Are you able to introduce your new BF to your children? If they got to meet him and to get to know him perhaps this might deal with their worries that he is only after your money! As to three and a half years being 'too soon' - time really has nothing to do with it, a friend was widowed and, as a result of the funeral notice in the paper, was contacted by an old school friend. They met up for coffee and within a year had married. They are blissfully happy and I am sure his previous wife would be happy to know someone else is looking after him and making him happy. I know if I had died instead of DH I would have wanted him to find someone else and not feel he had to live by himself. Hopefully your DC will come to see how happy your BF makes you

It’s great that you have found a new love. 3.5 years is long enough and I think your children are being unbelievably selfish. You are only 55 and therefore you perhaps bring it home to them that you need a more intimate partner in your life. Of course you love them all, but I’m sure they are living their lives the way they want it and surely that should be for you also. The masters could be done online, whichperhaps will allow you more Grandchildren time.

You only live once. Good luck.

Oh wow! What prudish children! 3 years is WAY long enough to show respect to your late husband. Oh dear I do hope they chill out a little

WeepingWidow - I was in a similar situation to your ACs when my father died.
My DM met someone 3 years later when she was a similar age to your age now. He was 10 years younger than her and married at the time and she got swept off her feet. He turned up on her doorstep soon after saying his marriage had broken down and she allowed him to move in.
My sisters and I were convinced he was a gold-digger and
there was nothing that we could have said or done to persuade my mother to look for someone better. However, since he had to wait for 5 years to get divorced we had time to see what he was like.
If you're not rushing anything or moving in together then your ACs should be patient and see how things go.
Do you think they could be worrying about the BF getting hold of your money or is it just the idea of their DM having sex with someone other than their DF?
My DM paid all the household bills, gave him money if he needed a new car but kept all her bank accounts in her sole name. She told us all she would be leaving him was the right to live in her flat till he died, though we didn't know he'd have to pay all the bills in the flat as well, which we were worried about.
Be patient with your children and ask them gently what it is they are worried about/object to about this man.
Btw, have you met his ACs?

I mean it doesn't matter how perfect he was - even if he didn't have any negative points whatsoever - 3 years is way long enough whatever direction you look at it. But it might be worth asking if they have a particular problem with this particular man - just in case there is something you'd be better off knowing...

My husband died nearly 3 years ago. Before he got sick I told him that if I died I would like him to find somebody else and get married again. I was never a very fit person due to my asthma. Now I am 78 and still asthmatic but if I ever meet somebody worthy of my love I would do my best to make both of us happy. Would probably not expect sex though! But I would never marry again because if so my children may think that my new husband was after my property.
Why don't you WW and your boyfriend go away on a little holiday together, maybe a long weekend, and tell your children that if they try to contact you, you will not be available until (date)? See how they react then.
You deserve happiness as we all do, .

My 3 openly say that they would love me to meet someone else. Truly heart breaking for you to be torn like this, your AC are being very selfish in my opinion. Follow your own heart as they have theirs .... we only live once.

Do not give in to your children, they are being entirely selfish regarding your happiness. That said, they obviously have a variety of feelings which need to be taken into consideration but if it were me, I would make reassurance my priority when they made them known. I would suggest that you are honest about the relationship rather than using subterfuge but make sure that you are are positive about aspects of your relationship with your late husband so they cannot accuse you of being disloyal. One the whole, I would leave their better halves to make inroads into their negativity. It might make time, but if this friend is as genuinely nice as you thing, they will come round eventually especially if they seem him treating you with respect and kindness.

I’m so happy for you and angry at your children. Your life is precious and it’s not up to them to push their feelings on you. Go and enjoy your life. We only have one. We have to take each stage as it comes. You have been a devoted wife and mother. You are now a devoted grandmother. It does not diminish anything you had with your husband by finding new happiness and I’m amazed your children don’t understand. Bottom line is, do what YOU want to do and enjoy it. Love to you xx

I saw this happen with a dear friend of mine. She was widowed and met a widower at the age of 65 - and embarked on a very passionate relationship! It was actually HIS daughters who were appalled. They told him she was after his money (actually she is very wealthy); refused to meet her, etc. He refused to give her up (good for him) and so kept the two parts of his life separate. As the years have gone by, all but one of the daughters has come around (the youngest still refuses to meet her) but he has never wavered in his refusal to give her up. They are now planning to move in together but not to marry (they have taken out powers of attourney for medical issues only). He has written to his daughters setting this out, and that they will keep their finances separate (so they can stop worrying about losing their inheritance). You could either do this - keep both parts of your life separate - or try to clarify what exactly it is they object to. Worried about losing their inheritance? Feel that you're betraying their father and your "perfect" marriage? Shocked at realising that you're still a sexual being? It's only when you "tease" these things out that you can address them. BUT don't feel that you need their permission - don't give them that power over your life (it's not healthy - for them or for you).

All the above!!! Plus it sounds as though your ACs are still basically in mourning for their dad, who, for all his flaws, was still their dad.
Sometimes adult children - and, very noticeably, siblings - get "forgotten about" when someone dies.
When my father died I couldn't help noticing that almost all the condolences went automatically to my mother as the "chief bereaved". Which of course she was - but nonetheless my brother and I were also bereaved. The most annoying person of all was my own father in law who said "Send my condolences to your mother" and never said a single word to me about my own loss.
It may feel a little like that for your ACs: they may feel their loss is somehow being overlooked.
I hope you will take heart from all the supportive remarks here, and from the fact that you have a lovely DIL and SIL who hopefully will bring your ACs round. They need to reflect a bit on your needs. If one of them died, would they expect the spouse to be celibate for life?

Get on with your life that's what I say!!

I don't think 3.5 years is too short to find someone to share your life with. I also don't think it matters how happy the previous marriage was either, grief affects us all differently and we can never judge .
Life is short, your late husbands early death is a prime example of why we should grab life whilst we can. Your children have had a very privileged life and as a teacher I'm sure you have seen children from less secure backgrounds so know this is true. There is never and never should be a designated mourning period before the surviving partner starts to live their lives again. My great aunt was married for 59 years when her husband died, they were a very happy, loving, funny couple who always made everyone feel welcome. After his death, within 2.5 years, she had emigrated to Australia where 2 of their daughters lived, met a widow who she married and had a lovely 11 month marriage before he passed away.
Life is for the living so live your life for yourself, a happy woman is a loving woman, which makes you good to be around. I agree with Stella1049 and some of the other comments but I also think you know exactly what you need to do and need a little reassurance that you're not being unreasonable. Good luck and I hope you live a long and happy fulfilled life

Stella1949 oops not 1049

I think your children are being very selfish. You deserve happiness and a fulfilled life. They will just have to accept it. Just carry on as you are and don't mention it again. They will eventually realize you are serious about this lovely man. X

I wonder how your children would respond if you reacted in the same way when subsequent grandchildren were due? “But why would you want another? Isn’t the one you’ve got enough? I can come round to keep you company if you want more etc etc”
It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it - as do their protestations. They cannot fill the role of a BF any more than you could a wanted child for them and it shouldn’t need pointing out to them as adults.

Take no notice of them, do exactly as you wish, you deserve that much, after all your BF is an old friend not a fortune seeker.Why dont they want you to be happy, for goodness sake, you arent living together,what is their problem,and your Husband died years ago, why shouldnt you have a relationship.Have a happy life with your friend.

If you give in to your children and stop seeing your BF, it would be a recipe for resentment and unhappiness all round in the long term.
My dad died at 51 when I was just 21 and my sister 15. My mum never remarried but did have a few dates with a widowed neighbour; my sister and I would have been very happy if she had found someone long term.
Could you pick a time to ask your DC, individually perhaps, to explain exactly what their concerns are. You may well then be able to reassure them.
I don't think you should tell them about the negative aspects of their dad's personality unless something crops up in discussion and you feel you have no choice but to be honest about it.
I also think it will be incredibly difficult to keep the two parts of your life separate unless your DC give you no choice. Try to arrange a low-pressure meeting and talk honestly to them - as others have suggested, reassurances from your BF to your DC ( maybe on his own) might help a lot.
Would your DIL and SIL maybe be able to arrange for any friends of theirs whose widowed parent has a new partner to bring it up in conversation, share the positives and allay their worries?
Wishing you many happy years with all the people you love living in harmony

It's your life - you have a lot left and quite frankly your children are being selfish. A heart to heart with them including the words 'how would you feel if you were expected to be celibate for the rest of your lives?' might ring some bells. You should grab the chance you have of living with someone you want to be with. When you're old and grey your children are not likely to want to come and live with you - tell them that too - selfish creatures.

When about four years after my dad's death my mum found a 'boyfriend' (ten years younger than herself but with similar interests), I was very pleased for her at first, as it seemed to bring her joy and - selfishly - I thought he might share the burden of caring for her (which we now have!). But my brother was horrified - and still doesn't know that the relationship was sexual. Sadly the man turned out to be a Lothario with several women on the go at once, and my poor mum felt she had to end it. So it seems children do react differently. But, WW, I wish you well - your children should not be allowed to ruin this for you. You seem to be doing far more than your fair share for them already!

Give them time. They will get over the shock. Apart from thinking that you are disrespecting your late husband, there is probably, at the back of their minds, "how is this going to affect us!" Even grown-up and independent children can have a streak of selfishness.

I would just take it slowly, tell them that you need more in your life, but still love them dearly. In a little while organise a casual meet-up and keep your fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best. I'm sure that it will.

A friend of mine was in the same situation. Once the family met her BF, and realised that he wasn't a gold-digging sex maniac, they became good friends!

^ 'how would you feel if you were expected to be celibate for the rest of your lives?'^

Relieved?