To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

icanhandthemback

The more you post, Weeping Widow, the angrier I feel with your adult children.

They benefit financially from you to a VERY significant degree. Not only do you provide free childcare - which you quit your job to provide - but you pay your eldest grandchild’s school fees and you will do the same for all the younger ones. Yes, you’ve voluntarily done this – but your children absolutely take this financial support for granted. You said you ”could take the hit financially” - did they even ask if you could afford to quit your job or pay school fees? Or just accept it as their right to not stand on their own financial feet? Well seeing their first thought was you boyfriend could be a golddigger – money seems very important to them.

You said ”I adore looking after my GC - but I’m aware once they all start school and I’m no longer needed that I will have nothing to occupy me. I want to be able to live for me as well as them.”
I really think that this needs pointing out to them, because it seems to me that they see you only in relation to what you bring to them, and not as a person in your own right. This is so wrong. All this ‘we will never leave you alone’ is just grandstanding to make them feel better about themselves. There’s no thought behind it. I think you need to start a conversation about the future. What will they do once they don’t need your childcare or money any more – wrap you up in cotton wool and put you away in a drawer? You also said ” the more I think about it the more I wonder how my children see me.” I think that’s another conversation to have with them.

I agree with other posters that you should not hide your boyfriend away – that’s behaving as if he’s some dirty little secret. Your son-in-law and daughter-in-law ”openly disagreed with [your children] and said they should be happy for me“ - you have allies, you are not alone in this. It is your children who are out-of-step, not you.

Oh Weeping widow, it’s like I could’ve written this post! I will give you hope and tell you that my children did eventually come round. I think when they realised I wasn’t going to be disappearing from their lives and that I was still available for GC as well things seemed to calm down a bit. You’re right in what you say about having company meaning you want a full sexual relationship and this is hard for our grown up children to acknowledge . I dated a couple of men b fore meeting the wonderful man I am with now. Like you I have no plans to re marry and he had been divorced twice and feels the same fortunately, although we both expect to live together when we’re older ( both 55 ) .
My heart goes out to you but please stand your ground, and it sounds as though you have a very close relationship with your lovely family and the support of your DIL and SIL. I would not try to push your relationship onto them or force them to meet him on family occasions until you can say to them that you’ve been together x amount of time and your life with them has not changed but you are happy . It can be a bit of a minefield negotiating everyone’s feelings but it will be worth it in the end. Good luck and I hope to read in hear soon that things are good for you x

I'm not sure what your children expected of you - to live on your own for the rest of your days, getting older and lonelier as they got on with their lives?
Oh please! You are not Queen Victoria! The last few years with your husband were the best but you can't place yourself in a glass case for the next 30 odd years, nor should your family expect you to. They obviously have put their father onto a pedestal and expect you to do the same - but until they have been in the same situation as you, they are not entitled to be so selfish. Maybe they think that if you spend more time with your boyfriend, it'll mean less time for the things you do for them ! Your boyfriend has fit in well for the last few months, without their knowledge, no reason why it should affect them.
However, you all need to meet up and maybe your boyfriend can assure them that he cares for you and as a grown adult, you are entitled to a private life of your own !

I think that you are dealing with things the right way. You have not tried to force him into their lives (I am surprised at how many people say that their children 'doesn't accept my new husband' as if they have an obligation to do that).
He wasn't the cause of a marriage break up and is obviously sensitive to your situation.
You waited for a perfectly reasonable time after your husband's death, who you still have feeling for and respect, and you are young enough that, as you say, you hopefully have a long time ahead of you.
You cannot give up your future entirely to your children. They have to understand that however unhappy they are with the situation, that is how it is going to be. You could give up this new man for them and then find that your children move away or don't have much time for you anyway.
There is no way to make everyone happy. Even if you split up with him now they would be cross that you had the nerve to have a relationship in the first place.
I do understand their feeling as it is hard when someone moves into a space that you don't even want to feel exists, but there it is wrong for them to let it interfere with the relationship you have with them.
Carry on as you are. You have made concessions and are helping your children out. They want you to be their mum not an individual with a sex life and social life of your own. That is not unnatural but it is also not something that you can just give them.
Stick to your guns. You are lucky to have found someone and will regret it if you give him up. You will also regret it if your children never accept him but that is their choice.

First of all WeepingWidow, congratulations on finding a new love and having an exciting new relationship - you deserve to be happy. (I wonder if you will want a name change in time?)

I think you are perfectly entitled to have a loving relationship with a man you want to spend your time with, who you share interests with and with whom you can have fun trying new things together - you are still young enough to enjoy life and to want a fulfilling sex life - go for it, and squeeze every bit of happiness you can out of life.

Your children are now adults, and as such need to grow up a bit, recognise mum is not just their mother but a woman with womanly needs etc. They may not like it much but they will learn to accept it. If they want you to be happy they will have to also learn to be supportive, to not snipe or bitch and to show some respect for your life choices. If they meet your new man I would also expect them to be adult, show good manners, be polite and acknowledge him as an important part of your life. They may not know their dad was less then perfect, but I hope they know their mum is a woman who knows her own mind, is more than capable of making decisions about any relationships and of loving a new man whilst still loving her children and grandchildren.

Have fun, enjoy, be happy, embrace being loved as well as loving - maybe keep us updated! Best wishes

WeepingWidow
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have so many experiences the same.
My husband died aged 56. I met someone 6 years layer, but was not as much in love as you are, however he loved me and would come to see me frequently and became my very close friend. I did go away on holiday with him twice.

The first time my eldest, then in her late 20s saw us together she cried. But she simply said it was just that it brought home the fact that her Dad had really gone for ever.

I think your children cannot accept the permanence of the death of their father and that if you are with someone else they will have to face up to it.

The other very remarkable coincidence is that my husband was very cruel to me in a covert and subtle way. I suffered terribly throughout my marriage and became adept at sweeping the children away from his nasty moods and protecting them from his mean and cruel controlling ways. I am now suffering from things he did financially which have plunged me into poverty. My children will not hear a single word of the truth about him. They have raised him onto what I secretly call the "death pedestal". That is after someone dies we have to say how wonderful they were.

My strong advice to you, given humbly and with love, is to live your own life and not to try to please your children. They do not live with you. They have no right to stop you being happy. Another truth I have had to accept is that to a greater or lesser extent they have inherited their father's genes and sometimes can be very like him. They can be impervious to the feelings or happiness of another (me) and between them can be either controlling, or critical or have no conception of the pain I live with (I'm disabled) or how hard my life is. It's a very bitter pill for me but they are his children too. You may be seeing this - your children may be acting as your husband would have done, either they learned from him to be uncaring about your feelings and needs and rights, or they inherited his traits.

You must look after yourself. You must do what is right for you, irrespective of how your children behave. This is your life and you have the right to be happy.

Please spend as much time with the dear man you have had the wonderful luck to meet again as you can! If you want to marry him go ahead. This is your life. The children do not understand and they have no right to deny you your happiness.
I would hope they would see that he makes you happy, that he is a good man. In time they may come round and be glad to have him in the family.
Meanwhile you cannot please them. You must look after yourself. Please go to your lovely new man. A second chance like this is a wonderful blessing and does not happen very easily.
Wishing you lots of luck, strength and much happiness
Love from Tibley x

Lorelei. Such beautiful words so lovingly written and so very true! Well said!

During my work years I knew 2 lovely ladies, 1 widowed the other divorced when they were in their 40s. Both had grown up children and both gave up affairs with men because of the love for their children. I worked with them at separate times when they were in their 60s and both regretted leaving their men but also said because of the pressure put on them by their children they would probably still do the same thing again. 1set of children though said that in hindsight they realised how selfish they had been and regretted their actions.
I hope whichever decision you make you won’t regret it in later life.

Oh, not quite the same thing, but me, my mum, my sister, my uncle, in fact pretty much my whole family did not like my nan's long-term lover (though he was rude to us all at some stage), but we would always at least offer a greeting and make beverages etc before making ourselves scarce to give them alone time. Nan loved him and regardless of what I/we thought of him, he loved her, so her happiness was the most important thing and would override any negativity we felt. Prioritising nan's needs, her happiness, not wishing for her to be lonely/alone far outweighed any private thoughts we may have had on her relationship with him - and, to be frank, it was none of our bloody business who she chose to love, spend time with, days out with, holiday with, and yes, have a sex life with - she was a grown woman and they loved each other for something like 40-50 years before his Parkinson's Disease and her Dementia - I hope they are together somewhere in an afterlife!

I understand exactly how you feel, practically the same thing has happened to me. My husband died four years ago and I have since formed a wonderful relationship with someone that we both knew . We live in our own houses and don't intend to marry....we both have grown up children, and although his children and grandchildren have treated me as part of the family, my eldest son has reacted in much the same way as your children. Please do not give up this wonderful second chance at happiness; give it time, dont try to discuss it over and over with your children, but do make it clear that you have, and need, your own life too. In time they may well start to understand.X

I am another one in the "your children are being selfish" camp. My DF died aged 49, my DM married a man she had known all her life, same village, same primary school who had been a family friend to both my Parents, I wasn't shocked, DM was 50 when she married & had 21 happy years before Step-F died.

My DH died when I was 57, I'm 63 now, still single but my DD has told me if you meet some-one we'll support you. I have many male friends but no-one who sets my heart fluttering yet I live in hope.

WeepingWidow.
I admire you for looking at every angle of your relationship with the man in your life.
If what we do is not at the expense of others, then aren't we entitled to happiness.? I find it difficult to comprehend that a child could view it's/or their widowed parent's happiness as an insult to the memory of the deceased parent.
Go for it and enjoy. Life is too short.

i divorced 13 years ago at 50.recently I met someone who I really like.my eldest sons reaction-silence and a change in the atmosphere of the room. why do offspring behave like this, I would say because they have not fully grown up,they haven't grieved the original breakup properly and most importantly they are worried about their inheritance. I sacrificed 20 years of my life raising my sons whilst also supporting a mentally disturbed wife who ran off whilst on a foreign holiday! ive one son who emigrated with his family without a hint of concern for the effect it had on me the other barely contacts unless he wants something-kids eh..... put yourself first, enjoy yourself, end of sermon!

Please don't even think about giving up your relationship.

You seem to have been very reasonable, telling your children that you have a friend/lover and that it is up to them whether they want to meet him or not.

Is the 23 year old your youngest? Is so, I hope the other children are being more mature about this. Give them time to get used to the thought.

I wouldn't bring up the subject until they do. You could then tell them that you loved their father, but that neither should nor will prevent you from continuing to see this man, who you have known for a long time.

Your new life sounds fabulous and very best wishes to you. That's it YOUR LIFE. Your children will have their life and will continue after you and your partner are gone. Your boy is being very territorial and if a dog would have marked every room in your house and garden. Your daughter is having to cope with change. Youe are' nt going to be just mum and nanna anymore but another....woman. Coincidentally I watched a 1950's film on Saturday called 'All that Heaven Allows'. The heroine decided her children were too upset at her new relationship after their father died and so stopped seeing the much loved partner. The children, at college, were happy but got on with their own busy lives and she was left lonely and unhappy. The revelation that she had choices and a life of her own was wonderful. Please do yourself a huge favour....live your life. Those young people will have to adapt, understand and show some courtesy, tolerance and love.

Am I the only one who thinks money is at the root of this, and your children fear for their inheritance?
I’ll bet they’ll come round when they see he’s not interested in your dosh.

Your children are being insensitive to your needs. Of course you are entitled to a new partner, and he sounds amazing. Just keep on seeing him and enjoy every minute. Meanwhile your children can sulk all they like. Eventually they might come round.

Just on the financial side, you can state in your will that you wish your money to go to your children. Even if you got married this still stands. I know as I’ve done it.

To quote one of my grandchildren, 'You're not the boss of me!'

That seems to be an apt response to your children's reaction, Weepingwidow. They don't get to run your life for you, you sound to be a lovely, caring, thoughtful person and someone who is quite capable of making their own decisions. You deserve a second chance of happiness and should grab it with both hands.

How would your children feel if, god forbid, one of them were to be widowed? Would they eschew all relationships for the rest of their lives? I doubt it! A friend of mine lost her son in law to an awful illness, when her grandchildren were still small. Her daughter later met another man, they married and had a baby together and whilst the sadness will always be there, she now has a happy life. The family of her first husband were delighted for her, because they didn't see why a young woman should be alone for the rest of her life.

I feel for you WW. My dad met someone within 6 months of my mother's death and it caused a huge rift with both me and her children too. He sat me down one day and said that he and she were both alone and made each other happy, they would be company for each other in their old age and that it didnt mean he loved my mum any less. He still had his life to live and there was so much he still wanted to do but not alone. Yes, for a while we saw little of him, they were like any new couple totally wrapped up in each other, I found the touching and kissing aspect of their relationship very hard to deal with and they were oblivious to the impact on their respective families. At Christmas she went to her family and he came to us.
Over the years everyone mellowed, they became a couple to all of us, we even met as one big family with her children too. They had 20 years together before sadly dementia meant she had to go into care as my Dad could not cope. Those 20 years were wonderful for them both, they travelled, cruised, took holidays in exotic places for months at a time and were so happy together. I am pleased now looking back that he had those years with his second love.

Your children need time to adjust to this and I think that it might be good to try and speak to each of them alone and try and explain your situation to them and to put their minds at rest. Good Luck

@WeepingWidow

I only wish I had half your family and friends around me that you have - I would jump at the chance to have someone special in my life at the sake of all others -

I'd also think about changing that sorrowful name you have here too -

Don't let your children hold you to ransom you live out your life the way you want to in happiness- Simple -

Oh how I can stand in your shoes, except they didn't keep me company and weekends I climbed the walls. So did something about it but my sons now after 12months agreed to meet him and discovered what a nice man he was. Mmm fair play to my bf having the patience to stick with it. My sons father went off with another woman. Double standards. Live your life you are still very young to be alone.

I think your children are selfish and arrogant. Who the h* do they think they are dictating how you live your life. Yes I would tell them to 'stick it ***' it's unbelievable. Are they worried about inheritance? If you remarried for instance? . Sorry I'm so harsh but who on earth do they think they are?

Your children sound selfish I'm afraid. You have every right to have a relationship after all these years. If their circumstances changed I believe your children would drop you like a hot potato in order to follow their paths, and you would be left alone. You are only 55. Go for it and good luck. I believe your children will come to terms with your new relationship eventually anyway. They are just sulking like small children whose mummy 'is not playing fair'. I wish you a very happy future.