To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

Personally I think your children are being selfish and need to accept that a/ you have enough sense to enter into a relationship with your eyes wide open and b/ you have wants and needs that they simply cannot satisfy.
I would slowly integrate your BF into activities and give your children the opportunity to meet him and get to know him. Perhaps a birthday dinner (yours or even his) would be a start. Ir have your BF at your place when your children visit. Baby steps but positive ones to let your children know that you intend to carry on with this relationship. They will not accept it unless they meet your BF. How long do they think you should wait before another relationship? I think 3.5 years is quite acceptable, life does not stand still. I would not lie to your children, rather just treat you BF as being a totally natural part of your (and in time) their life. Good luck and I hope you, your BF and your family have many happy years together.

From my perspective, you're not doing anything wrong. You're widowed. He's divorced.

Your children may not be ready yet to accept you dating, but that doesn't mean that you can't date at all for the rest of your life!

I'd suggest not bringing your partner to see your children ATM. Rather, I'd suggest going to your children's homes or meeting in public if you want to visit them. Don't bring up your new relationship unless they ask to discuss it. If they do bring it up, reassure them that you've taken steps to protect yourself financially (and do so!).

Don't try to force your children and new BF together until they're ready to accept it. Everyone grieves in different ways, and while I agree that your relationship isn't really their business, it's also true that they may need time to adjust to it. I'd suggest the best approach, as I've pointed out, is to keep those two parts of your life separate for now, until your children are at a point where they feel ready to spend time with your new partner.

Your children will come round if you take things slowly Weepingwidow, you deserve a life of your own too.
I cannot agree with you ethelbags your solution would not help anyone, deceiving your family and not seeing your friend on important occasions is a recipe for disaster.

WW my father in law died very suddenly aged 44 years, my mother in law, was a lovely lady, but said to me, that she would have stopped her son marrying if we hadn’t already got married, as she did not want any thing else to change in her life. Few years later, she met a man and began a relationship, with my encouragement both of her sons got to know her new man friend who went on to marry her, and they had a very happy life. I did remind her of our conversation, and she said, she was truly glad that, we had already got married and that she did not manage to interfere with her sons future. Your children will feel the same, when they have had time to digest your new status quo. Go ahead with your degree, let them learn to adapt to the new changes in your life style, you are a loving mum and grand mother, so the children will come to see that you need changes in your life now that you have coped with your pain. When I was collecting my degree from the Queen Mother at the Royal Albert Hall, many many moons ago, there was a lady collecting hers for English and something else, she was 85 years old. So very proud as in deed she should have been. So you are never too old.

ethelbags I do not agree that lying to them is the best thing to do!

Maybe you could just pretend that you arent seeing him as much. Dont invite him to events where the family will be. Days such as christmas are only once a year and he could find something alse to do. Thats what i would do as i would not do anything to upset my little family

I think take it slowly and quietly. Try not to discuss your time together too much with your kids but just play it low key and gradually bring your partner into the family. They will hopefully appreciate that it is your life and you can live it how you choose.

I found it hard to accept my father's new relationship a few years after my mum died. To be fair she was not my kind of person but it was selfish of me. I was not proud of my response to her and regret I did not fib and just say I was happy for him. He died 6 months later.

Oh WW, please do not give up a relationship for the sake of your children. They may be slow to come around, but perhaps they are in a bit of shock since they do not see you in the light of a vibrant single woman but rather only in the roll as grandmother. As previously suggested, meeting in a public neutral space might be a nudge in the right direction.

Or perhaps a week spent moping on their couch every evening until bed time would make them realize that a lonely mother could end up a burden! LOL

Mardy not marry silly predictive text always thinks it knows best

I think you are right to carry on seeing this man and continue in your relationship and be happy
however I can also see it from your children’s point of view (not saying their point of view is right but understandable) I was sitting thinking if it was me and one of my parents had embarked on a new relationship I think I would have seen it as a betrayal to the other parents memory and probably been marry myself
I think it will take time and you just need to lead your own life with your new man quietly I m sure it will ease in time just don’t rub their noses in it Keep it low key but swing from the chandeliers when their not around
Good luck

You have 1 life. Live it. Your AC have their own lives but this is yours. Do what makes you happy.

Your children need to understand that you are a person in your own right and not just their mother,grandmother, babysitter. As many on here will testify, there will come a time when the childcare eases off, and do any of us ever want to have that awful feeling that our children have invited us on holiday because they feel obliged, or in the case of your adult children, made an emotional promise in the heat of the moment many years ago? They have to be made to realise that you will not be making a decision about whether to continue seeing your manfriend ( who sounds delightful, by the way) or to continue seeing your family. You, and they, can have both. Invite them out on neutral ground, hopefully they will behave themselves, and you have always got your lovely DiLs on side anyway. Take it slowly, but do not be bullied. Also, I would ask that they knock or ring before just barging in, irrespective of your manfriend, you could be having your legs waxed or something, and we are all entitled to our privacy. I am really happy for you in finding this man again after all these years, do not let him go, you will regret it. Keep us updated.

It’s a gut reaction from the ‘children’, though, isn’t it? Not rational. I understand it. They just feel their father, only fairly recently dead, is being dismissed.

I realise you have said you aren’t going to marry this man or even live with with him, which should make it an easier situation for your ‘children’ to accept. Don’t alienate them, though - you may need them in the end.

WeepingWidow it's because you have sacrificed your life for the children that their non-acceptance of an " intruder " into your life is looked upon as a " betrayal " to them as well as their dad.
If you'd been one of those type of women who didn't care and just trotted off to a pub with any Tom Dick and Harry, they probably wouldn't have turned a hair because they'd have been used to you living that way, but because you're not one of those women it's been a shock to them, enough to create hostility towards the BF.

You are their " mum " and mum's are there for them and nobody else, is how they see you and many like us and how dare anyone else step into their dad's shoes.

I can sympathise in a way with your family but also yourself as that horrible feeling of being " torn " between them and your life is the worst feeling.

I don't know your children obviously but I think it sounds as though it'll take a while before there's an acceptance and even then things probably won't be the same.
I don't suppose they've seen you getting really cross with them ? Because once you decide where your future's going, you want to put your foot down firmly, if you can possibly do it and tell them straight that they've got their lives so it's now time that you had a new beginning.

My mum was widowed at 42, (when I was 14) and I would never have dreamed of standing in the way of her meeting anyone else.
Since your children are behaving, well, like children, I think you must just be the adult and carry on exactly as you are.
I'm sorry, but I think its ridiculous for grown ups (as your children are) to be so narrow minded regarding this.

Weeping Widow Of course they will get over it. Just quietly stick to your position and your new partner, they are young and they will mature one day.

I pexpect they’ll recover, but it may alter your relationship with them for ever. It depends how much you mind that. Agree children shouldn’t have everything they want - nobody should - but I think that applies more to material things than emotional things.

I don’t rely on my grown children for company, never have. They went away to university at 18 and have lived nowhere near me ever since, with my encouragement. I have friends, though, so I am not at all lonely. Also lots of interests. i wouldn’t change places with my married friends in a million years, partly because I’d make a terrible carer. That’s what most of them are doing.

Congratulations WW. Lovely to hear that you have been fortunate enough to find love and happiness twice in your life. My closest friend died in her mid 40s and her daughter in particular behaved like a total brat when her dad started dating five years after. My friend adored her husband but would only wish the best life possible for him as she was one of the kindest and most caring of people. Eventually patience paid off and he has been happily remarried for some years now.

Thing is Grandma I do put them first. Everything DH and I worked for was for them, we’ve (now I’ve) been supportive in every possible way, now mostly with grandchildren - I had no help from family at their age and it was hard I wanted it to be different for my kids. I do make sacrifices - but I think this is one area where I’d really rather not make the sacrifice of a good romance/relationship to appease them. Children, especially adult children, shouldn’t get to have their way with every last thing. I just worry that if I continue this relationship my children will never recover from it

If I put myself in your children’s place, I think i’d have felt exactly the same as they do. I would have felt, however unreasonably, that you were being unfaithful to my father’s memory. Three and a half years is really a very short time, and they will still be in shock from his death even if you aren’t. I suppose I’d have tried not to say so, but I would have hated it.

My children were still primary school age when my husband died, and they would definitely have been very upset if I’d tried to ‘replace their father’ as they would have undoubtedly have seen it. They were so young and had had so much upset in their lives that I wouldn’t have ever put my own needs first. I suppose it’s different with adult children. I wasn’t bothered by staying single, and now I’m positively glad I did.

Whatever age our children are they don't see their parents as people with sexual or emotional needs. You are doing nothing wrong Weepingwidow but I think you do need to take things slowly with your new man to avoid alienating them. You should be clear the friendship is non negotiable but he is in no way replacing their father, you are just starting a new phase of your life. I wish you well in your new relationship.

Thank you everyone

They definitely feel uncomfortable with the thought of their mum as a sexual being. Last year I had them all round to mine for a boozy dinner with me and my best friend, and we got to talking about people who’ve only had one partner. My eldest chimes in “a bit like you and dad, mum”. Me and my friend, who I’ve known since school, looked at each other like this and burst out laughing! For some reason they assumed DH was my first! Granted we met when I was 20, married at 22,, but I had a fair few notches on my bed post by then. I was born in the 60’s not the 30’s - they were gobsmacked

They cannot, with the best will in the world, be your companions, (so you don't feel lonely) week in, week out. Life doesn't work like that

Exactly, and they can’t seem to contemplate this isn’t possible (I credited them with being smarter than that TBH). I wasn’t born yesterday - I realise that the visits will deplete once I’m not needed for childcare anymore. And that’s fine - I don’t want to be a burden. But I don’t want to be relying on my kids for company. It’s what my mum did with me and it only bred resentment.

I’d suggest you all meet up in a ‘neutral’ environment WW such as a quiet pub. Just have drinks, not a meal, then (a) you don’t spend awkward time studying a menu ‘how is your steak dear?’ (b) it’s no-ones territory so you are all level and more likely to be very civil and (c) anyone can easily escape without seeming rude. Definitely not a family doo or celebration. Just relax. 9 out of 10 times our worst fears never materialise!
Good luck, whatever you decide.
You sound a really nice lady. No wonder your family (and your fella) love you!

Thank them for their concerns , & tell them how much you wish life had not dealt you & them such a sad & harsh blow.
Ask them if they have ever seriously considered what they think they would do if put in such a position. The truth is no one knows & it is possible to love people differently, best wishes , be happy

You do not have to placate your adult children. You have not been unfaithful to their Dad either.

Tell them simply that you are moving on, it's your life and you do not relish the prospect of spending the rest of it alone. Ask them to be happy for you now you have found someone compatible who makes you feel alive again.

Also enquire directly as to how long they expect you to put you life on hold. They might then see ho unreasonable and controlling they're being.

They rely on you for childcare and you don't let them down. You see lots of them. You are there for them. They cannot, with the best will in the world, be your companions, (so you don't feel lonely) week in, week out. Life doesn't work like that.

Give them time, and perhaps throw in nice little anecdotes about places you and your partner have been. Don't allow them to turn this situation into one of conflict, and on no account give up your new man and happy new life.