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AIBU

Getting dh out of the house, grrrr....

(98 Posts)
Witzend Thu 07-Mar-19 13:12:36

Not an age thing, he's always done it.
Takes ages obsessively checking doors, windows, gas, etc. - which I wouldn't mind at all, except that he won't do it in plenty of time, so that we invariably leave around 15 mins later than we should.
Just now I'm sitting here fuming, since we're supposed to,pick up Gdd from pre school at 3 - no later because the doors will be locked until at least 5! not to mention Gdd being so disappointed if we're not there - and it's not around the corner - it's a drive on 3 motorways, inc. the so often crawling M25.

He's always loved cutting things fine - arriving at the airport when 'last call' is flashing was always good fun to him, but it drives me mad, esp. since I can't help thinking he does it on purpose to annoy me. Or else why won't he make the effort to start his bloody faffing and dithering earlier??
Rant over!
I feel (a wee bit) better now.

Craftycat Sat 16-Mar-19 14:57:57

I have one just the same.
As he worked abroad a lot for years he is used to airports while I only use them for holidays. I hate being the last one on the plane. He revels in it!
I now tell him we are due anywhere before we actually are.
Or go alone!

harrigran Sun 10-Mar-19 09:59:18

DH likes to know times, his working life was governed by clocks and deadlines.

SparklyGrandma Sun 10-Mar-19 01:40:38

Witzend commiserations.

To get him out on time, have you thought of chopping off 30 minutes or an hour?

I used to tell DH that flights were an hour before their actual time.

Was I wicked?

KatyK Sat 09-Mar-19 14:05:14

With my DH, it's 'what time?'.
For instance if I say 'we need to go to Tesco tomorrow. There's nothing else happening is there?' DH consults the calendar, comes back and says 'No. What time do you want to go?' I tell him any time at all is fine. He says 'Yes but what time? Morning or afternoon?' I tell him it doesn't matter, maybe after lunch. He still says 'What time after lunch?' I'm tempted to say 'Well I think we should go at 6 minutes and twenty five seconds past 2. Have your coat and shoes on and be standing by the door at precisely that time.' Bless him.

AlexG Sat 09-Mar-19 13:06:47

I had this with my previous partner (now an ex!). He used to do this so he could feel superior and lord it over me as he was in control and made us late. I got round this by telling him anything we were going to was earlier than it actually was. By about half an hour. It worked beautifully. We then arrived - in his eyes - half an hour late with me not fussing at all, as I knew we were on time. Couldn't do this for times that he could check on, like flights, but it worked well for appointments like parents night when we had a specific time and slot.

mummsymags Sat 09-Mar-19 11:33:19

It is an ego trip. A member of my family has done it all their life and the fact is that they believe they ARE the only one on the planet and that time stands still for them or stretches to accommodate them when required. Everyone & everything else takes second place in their book. I used to think it was some kind of insecurity but after decades of silent observation as everyone else argues with this individual I am convinced that the motivation is ego and an overriding sense of their own importance in the scheme of things.
Having said that...….I love this person dearly and the rest of their character is absolutely admirable and incredibly generous and loving!! Go figure! The trade-off is worth it, in my book, but the family rows are horrendous and quite vicious - it's a puzzle.

Lyndiloo Sat 09-Mar-19 03:06:46

I've got one just like that! It's time to leave, and he can't find his glasses/wallet/keys, etc. But you cannot do that if you are picking children up! They are the priority, and you must be there on time!

I tell my husband that the 'pick-up' time is 10 minutes earlier than it actually is. (He never susses that I'm lying!) Then he has a bit of extra time to find his belongings, check doors, windows, plugs, etc., before we leave.

'White' lies work wonders!

newnanny Sat 09-Mar-19 00:08:11

Move your clock to 20 mins fast.

justwokeup Fri 08-Mar-19 23:22:20

My OH is another faffer. Definitely a form of control as, once he gets in the car, he drives more slowly than usual too. I did once drive off and leave him when we were going out for lunch with family ... mine of course! My DC gaped when I said he wasn't feeling well enough to come but they didn't give me away! Strangely, if he wants to be somewhere on time, he's still likely to be late setting off and then grumble all the way about how we should have set off earlier. You're right Witzend, being late to pick up little ones, unless it's a real emergency, is unforgiveable.

I would be tempted to go alone occasionally if he doesn't smarten up, and tell him it's better than being stressed out by his tardiness for the whole journey. He can relax in the house (probably what he wanted to do anyway) and have a cup of tea ready for you when you get back ... and do any other jobs you feel like giving him!

However, rather than you two having a marathon drive to DD's house and nursery, would it be possible for SiL to do the nursery pick up and you arrive at their house on Thursday evening? It would take the pressure off setting off 'on time'. It's not really clear why SiL can't look after his own children on Thursday evening, it seems to be the early Friday start that is the real problem. Perhaps DH is having a silent protest by dragging his heels?

MissAdventure Fri 08-Mar-19 23:09:57

My ex would be packed and ready, then start to check through his case.
Then start to take things out and repack them.
He couldn't seem to stop himself!

Lumarei Fri 08-Mar-19 23:04:01

My father is like that. This issue plus not calling when he is delayed and mum worried sick accounted for about 80% of their arguments in their 60 years of marriage . I am convinced it has nothing to do with being deliberately annoying or in control. As Readymeals says - it is a disorder. People who are always late perceive time differently I am sure. My dad would start a job predicting a certain time it is likely to take him but invariably he needed twice the time.
He thinks for example that getting ready to go out will take him 5 minutes even though it (always) takes twice as long. He never takes into consideration that something could go wrong or he could get interrupted (phone call). He only calculates (wrongly) the time it should take if he was the only person on this planet.
I tried to convince my mum to tell him a different time - she never did/does and rather has a row. Could never get my head round this.

Granddad1943 Whilst your suggestions are well intended the locking of the doors is not the issue. If he had the best automated security system he would get held up by something else (last minute tidying, toilet, change of clothes etc.) The last minute locking of doors is only a means of passing the time before his own perceived estimated time of departure ETA.

My advise is find some coping mechanism as suggested in many GN replies. Drive off alone after you have told him of your intention, never give the correct time etc. Since he knows the pickup time tell him you have to be there earlier as you have to pick something up from the office etc.
You cannot change him change your own response, tactics etc.

MissAdventure Fri 08-Mar-19 22:51:14

My ex lived at the opposite end of the country in the west coast of Scotland, whilst I'm in the south east of England.
Buses were one every couple of hours, which connected with the bus at Glasgow for our long journey from there to mine.

I was often almost reduced to tears whilst he farted around at the last minute before we left his house.

Jane43 Fri 08-Mar-19 21:35:03

We both like to be early thankfully and so do both our sons. I would find it very stressful to be in your shoes.

lemongrove Fri 08-Mar-19 21:31:36

Although it must be annoying living with somebody who would be late for their own funeral, my DH wants to be very early for everything ( which can be equally annoying)😬

BradfordLass72 Fri 08-Mar-19 19:52:43

I think I'd be taking a taxi and charging it to him. A few expensive bills might ginger him up grin

Grandad1943 Fri 08-Mar-19 18:37:32

As the OP stated that it was the late locking up the house that was causing her to "just sit there and become stressed", can i just repeat my earlier suggestion of her locking the house up herself.

However, to save all the stress and argument that it seems this problem is causing, can i further suggest that they could (as we have done) install wifi door and window locks that can check the status of the locks and operate them via your smartphone from wherever you are in the world.

The above allows any person to see the status of any door or window to which wifi locks are fitted at any time. The status given is as follows on your phone:-

1) Door/Window closed and locked
2) Door/window closed but not locked
3)Door/Window open.

A change in the status of any of the above is notified to your phone if that should occur without being brought about by a registered users phone.

The above save us a great amount of time and the wondering if we locked all accesses prior to leaving home.

Wifi lighting is also great in terms of security and ensuring that all or some lights are on or off while away from home and wonderful when late at night and tired, you just get into bed and say " Alexa lock all accesses and turn off all lights", and hear Alexa say "OK".

Wonderful, and saves a great amount of worry and stress.

The cost of equipping a home in the above manner has rapidly fallen in recent months.

pamhill4 Fri 08-Mar-19 18:33:22

Don’t know if anyone has mentioned it but is his “faffing” around checking things a bit more than last minute tasks and not some sort of OCD? Does he have to repeat the same action even though he knows he did it two minutes previously? If it’s like that then a chat with the GP is in order for a referral to a psychologist. If that’s not it, then ask him what others might think eg your grandchild’s worry about being forgotten about and last to leave, or how he might feel in that position. Ignoring it seems to be accepting/condoning the behaviour. It’s down right rude imo if it’s not OCD!

Litlmissbuttons Fri 08-Mar-19 18:29:39

Some of these comments are quite amusing! I'm lucky that I don't have to contend with being late for family gatherings anymore. When I was married my husband always made sure he was really early if he had to go somewhere. Whereas, when my parent's/grandparent's invited us to Sunday lunch or Christmas dinner we were always about an hour late. Not because he had to check doors/windows etc. he was just like that. It used to take him a good 10/15 mins to leave a message for the answer phone, then we had to rush back home to see if there were any messages! It was very annoying, but you couldn't say anything otherwise he would get in a bad mood. I can only suggest the same as others and mark appointments 15/20 minutes earlier than thay actually are, as well as having the clocks a bit fast. Though, if he is waiting for a programme to start he might discover what you have done. I wonder if you had an accident and he had to ring for an ambulance, whether he would check everything instead of looking after you until it arrived? You could ask him and see what he says ( a polite way of telling him not to keep doing it ).

Katek Fri 08-Mar-19 18:24:17

I have one exactly the same.....lost count of the number of times I’ve stood in the hall while he suddenly has to find something.....glasses, wallet, jacket etc. Last night I got quite excited as I actually managed to get him out to the car in time for a meeting Thought we’d manage to make it on time, only for him to get out of the car to go back inside for whatever he thought he’d forgotten. Result - 10 minutes late for a meeting he was chairing!

eazybee Fri 08-Mar-19 17:55:50

I think your husband knows exactly what he is doing:
He's always loved cutting things fine - arriving at the airport when 'last call' is flashing was always good fun to him.
This isn't simply a matter of running out of time; it is deliberately finding things to do to delay the departure, and very dangerous when young children are involved.
I am, or was, a late arrival sort of person who has learned at last to arrive on time; so much easier now I am retired as I simply don't have so much to do. And I have realised that most things take longer to do than you think, which is why I was so frequently late.

quizqueen Fri 08-Mar-19 17:20:31

If people who are travelling in your car are not ready when you want to leave, then just drive off without them. If people do not want to sit down and have a meal you have prepared then eat without them or do not bother to cook for them in the first place.
My granddaughter kept getting up from the table during meals and I told her I would put hers in the bin next time she did it. Let's just say she was suddenly cured of her habit when I carried out my threat as she then had nothing to eat till the next day!. Moaning gets you nowhere usually, but action can often work.

moggie57 Fri 08-Mar-19 17:01:02

Do you drive or does he?

NanaSuzy Fri 08-Mar-19 16:53:39

That would definitely be my solution - life's too short to hang around waiting for someone!

trendygran Fri 08-Mar-19 16:53:08

It sounds as if you DH might be suffering from some form of OCD regarding the door locking,checking windows and gas etc.,but that doen’t seem to fiti n with him not being concerned about picking up your DGs ? late. I hate being late for things,but my daughter is always late. That drives me mad ,as coping with your DH would.. No easy answers to change long time habits,unfortunately.

HillyN Fri 08-Mar-19 16:41:41

It makes me so glad my DH is quite the opposite, he always wants to leave before the agreed time. I've got used to it now and make sure I'm ready to go 5-10 minutes before.
What really annoys me is that the time we leave is rarely important. For example he will say he wants to leave at 10a.m. to start a 4 hour drive to our holiday accommodation; we can't get into it until 4p.m! If I'm not ready by 9.55a.m. he is fretting!
He also gets unreasonably chuffed if he manages to arrive before the time that the SatNav said we would arrive when we set off.
Ah well, takes all sorts.....