husband: total lack of empathy.

Hope you feel better for sharing your feelings with us. Living with someone with Aspergers is never going to be easy and my only piece of advice for you to consider would be that you are entitled to your feelings and should not feel guilty for them. But expecting others to change puts you on the road to nowhere. A dear friend of mine, who had very sincere Christian beliefs, once told me "deep breath, count to 10 and offer it up". The universe has received quite a lot of my feelings since then.

Thank you MrsJamJam. You are so right: 'expecting others to change puts you on the road to nowhere' Wise words which do reflect my more rational attitude over a very long marriage. He really is a lovely, though 'quirky' personality: with children and grandchildren who adore him. I will try in future to remember all his good points; he would do anything to help anyone in a practical way. I definitely feel better for sharing and reflecting.

You can't diagnose Aspergers yourself. Far too complicated. And it's such an easy label to pin on people who may not conform entirely to what you think is 'normal'.

I would have told sister-in-laws I would ring back later. Surprised you interrupted a church service twice for this.

law not laws

You are getting far too bogged down in 'feelings'. Lighten up. He as just being impatient, like most men.

If it is AS then it can be useful to write down what you need him to understand. Coping with emotions flying around or abstract concepts can be problematical. It sounds like your DH understands this mornings situation and regrets his impatience now he's had time to process it.
Lots of info online on AS. There could be a partners support group near you? Might be worth meeting up?

He's sorry for upsetting you, you're sorry for being impatient with him. You understand he finds some situations difficult, but did what you knew was right at the time for your SIL.

Understanding what makes each other "tick" doesn't always mean we can't feel annoyed with them. He sounds a lovely man and probably feels upset that he inadvertently upset you. Maybe you could agree a sign or phrase of some sort that you can use in future for such situations where he may not be aware of your needs.

Some people men in particular are a bit black and white thinkers without meaning to be inflexible My Dad definitely didn’t have Aspergers but he would have been anxious about being late and probably been mouthing ‘come on’ to mum She was the feisty more flexible one but she fitted in over the years with his timings I have inherited it and hate really hate being late for anything I always tend to be everywhere to early, in my quest to not be late, so in your position I would have said to my sister in law ‘we ve got to be in church in five minutes will you be in tonight I ll give you a ring and we ll have a good old chat’

I don’t know why nowadays anyone who is slightly quirky as you call it has to have aspergers or autism

It is basic good manners to be punctual, and not remotely a symptom of Asperger’s.

I sympathise with you 52Bright my husband lacks emotion/empathy too and it can be very lonely at times can’t it. We too have been married a long time and I wouldn’t change him for the world but I do get upset when he ‘doesnt get it”.
Don’t feel guilty, you did the right thing! I have come to the conclusion that my husband is on the spectrum too and this has helped our relationship no end.

People who have been dismissive on here have no idea do they?

52bright
I don't think you need help. You have worked carefully through how you feel and your husband understands what happened.
I'd also suspect that the rest of the congregation would not be offended by your atypical comings and goings but more likely concerned that you are both all right.
Your SiL's need became paramount and I'll leave you to decide what Jesus would do, I know what I think!

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful perspectives and advice. I am not self diagnosing Aspergers because of 'quirkyness'. Loads of reasons...too long to list here...from early childhood onwards. We have seen his childhood medical records and his doctor thinks its highly likely after husband and he privately discussed a range of issues

Of course I regret interrupting the service, I am self reflective enough to understand I was at fault as well, especially in view of knowing his issues. Good idea about a partner's support group Jane10. Thank you for your kind words wildswan16, Poppyred and others.

I think you probably need to adjust your language when explaining how you feel to him

And he has to recognise when he is not understanding the emotional motivation behind things and says so & asks.

I think this is fixable with strategies that can meet both of your needs and take away the frustration on both sides but you will both need to work together on radically adjusting how you communicate

Also Elrel...just read your post. Your thoughts on this have helped a lot.

You are right about working together to meet both sets of needs notanan2 and I think we are both a bit more reflective in general now we are getting older.

It wasn't till our grandson was diagnosed with ASD that a whole lot of my husband's behaviour fell into place (and his mother's!) Doesn't actually make him any easier to live with but at least I know why he's so difficult.

Deedaa that's what so many partners said once their DH or DW was diagnosed. Its so helpful to understand what's going on so that expectations can be revised and general communication approaches altered to fit where necessary.

You have been kind. That's enough for both your husband and your sister-in-law. Now, please, be kind to yourself and, in the words of that well known children's anthem, 'Let it go, let it go.'

Thank you grannyactivist. Wise words as usual from you

Deedaa we also have a grandson borderline on the spectrum and this is one of the reasons all sorts of lights dawned.

Its clear that you both care about each other you just had a "miss-match" moment.

Some people are just awkward, and enjoy being so; they don't need a label or any excuses made for them.

I am a great believer in partners allowing each other to be free (no not to sleep around lol) but if one feels it's important to risk lateness in order to take an importance call and the other feels it's important to be somewhere on time, then it's totally right for the one who wants to be somewhere to go to that somewhere and the one who wants to speak on the phone to stay behind speaking on the phone. But... don't you have a mobile so you could have continued the conversation as you travelled to the church?

My Gs, (12 yrs), is Autistic with ADHD, a touch of Aspergers and complex learning difficulties.
The exasperation and impatience is a normal reaction to their apparent lack of empathy or of understanding of human interaction, as is the guilt.
It is not that they don't feel empathy or lack understanding, it's usually because they process everything differently.
A huge step forward for me in my relationship with my GS was in understanding his thought processes and working out what his behaviour and body language told me, (very difficult for me!). Now I can, generally, understand him and this makes our relationship easier.
The time keeping issues you mention is his way of controlling a world he can't quite understand, as are the routines he follows.
You also mentioned that he followed you out of church, that tells me that he was aware that you were upset and wanted to help you. Yes, it took longer than average, but, he got there.
And personally, I prefer "quirky" to bland and ordinary, every day.