why don’t they get it?

Talk to husband first, as I assume stepson is his son. Stepson has to pull his weight round the house during the week, and then he has to let you all know what he is doing with his children over the weekend. I know of several adult children who are parents, back living with their own parents, who don't understand their parents are being put under pressure.

If that doesn't work, go away for the weekend. Often.

I applaud you Mumma66. Their mother is lucky that you care so much that she gets every other weekend childfree. But it's your stepson who should be stepping up to his responsibilities and not you bearing the brunt of it all. I think it is good idea that you cut down to just one day every other weekend instead of wearing yourself out. I think SS should be made aware of your stepsons lack of involvement so that they can work with him on that and maybe have an afternoon a week at a contact centre or SS supervised contact. I feel for you because I know how hard it is to be pulled in different directions by the different generations. I really hope you get your home back to yourselves soon.

I can't understand why your son works only one day a week / fortnight and the arrangements are made so the children are there when he isn't ?
He needs to get a different job as well as move out! Or he needs to make arrangements to have the children at other times, such as after school when he will be there - they are his responsibility, not yours!
If he makes a fuss about having them, I'd guess that it's more to do with getting back at the mother than actually wanting to spend time with them

Is it your husband or your stepson who works shifts?

Your step son only works one day a week or fortnight - and that's when his children come to you / him . Surely that should have been considered when the children's visiting times were organised ? I'd go back and work out times when he would actually be home.

You are giving care and love to the children, which I know from experience they will remember (not all the little things) but the feeling of being loved and cared for. It must be really hard, especially with the 2 year old. If u can hang in there for the children and maybe ask any friends/other relatives if they can pop in on the weekends that you have the children for a bit of playing time with them just for an hour or so. My thoughts go out to you as it is very hard work. Just leave all your housework/washing etc. For When they are Not with you.
(Flowers)

You are amazing, a true heroine among grandmothers and step-grandmothers.
Your greatest resource is your health and your sanity.
You are clearly doing too much. Would it be possible to arrange to take some time out when your husband has days off? This would give you some quality time together. Could you arrange some small trips away? They don't have o be expensive? There would probably be some financial sacrifice in changing your work patterns, through no fault of your own but perhaps you need someone to give you permission(without realizing it) to be kind to yourself and to value yourself. You really are worth it.

Sorry, posted before reading later comments/replies.
I heartily agree with others who applaud you for giving those children some much needed stability, however, it is obviously having a detrimental effect on all aspects of your life.
I'm glad that you've taken positive steps to remedy the living arrangements and hope that everything runs smoothly when that kicks in in June ?
Meanwhile, we're here for you, anytime, day or night (some GNers are owls, some larks ?)
BTW, I do wonder why your stepson only works one day a fortnight.
Is he paying his way with you -perhaps he has some form of income. I think he's being cheeky if you not only look after his children, but buy their and his food/do washing etc.
You'll be better off in all ways without him there.
Take care and please...don't let your brothers make you feel guilty about saying a firm 'No'.
Sending best wishes to you

Hi, I understand where you are coming from, we have been in a situation very similar. It's not easy where children are involved. Now things have changed and things will get better. Our son used to leave it all to me too. We had to have the talk, your child your responsibility and it wasn't easy, especially as you love your grandchildren so much. Hope it gets sorted. Xx

Oh gosh, I feel for you. You really need to sit down with your stepson and speak with him about him how shattered you are and you need to have his input in childcare. You may be surprised at his reaction. He may not even have noticed your weariness as you sound like you are a fabulously capable woman. Please speak up for yourself and don’t let this become a festering boil that might explode one day. Good luck

Is it your DH who gets 7 weekends off a year or stepson? He, step son should be stepping up and doing FAR more! They are, after all, HIS children not yours!! We look after our 4 year old DGS once a week for a day and that's tiring enough! You need to sit down and have a proper talk with your step son, or perhaps his father should, and make him see how it's affecting you both. You are NOT free childcare and not to be used in the points scoring that clearly is going on if he wants to have access to his children but then does nothing with them!

Mamma66 can I ask a couple of questions. Where is your stepsons' mother? Is there any chance she could share the weekends and your SS go there and be supervised?

Why does your SS need supervision? Has he shown signs of aggression or other behaviour that has required social services to intervene?

The key to this could be your DH. It seems your SS is behaving irresponsibly. Not pulling his weight with his children or work. But without knowing his background it's difficult to say what is to blame. If it's sheer idleness and he is going out or on computer games or watching football while you entertain/feed/bathe the children, then your DH needs to sit him down and give him a good talking to.

I had a similar, but not quite the same, situation until recently. My eldest sons' relationship broke up so he came back to live here. My other 2 sons were still living here. My 2 GDs lived with us part time and sons' new girlfriend here (I didn't mind as she was so good entertaining the children). Every weekend from fri to sun and school holidays. I was having cancer treatment at the time (chemo/radio/4 operations) and the catering/laundry/general chaos was a nightmare. I still don't know how I got through it to be honest. But, there was one very important difference, my son was with them all of the time, a great father, entertained and took them out swimming, cinema, park, cycling. He didn't take advantage, worked full time, took his holidays during the school holidays. It was just difficult but we persevered and of course, it did end. He moved out last year, girls only come here on sundays now, we are all so close knit it's lovely and the girls are doing really well.

So, you may be able to do some things now to improve the situation but do be careful about throwing him out as he will probably be fine but the children may suffer the insecurity of having to visit a day centre with a social worker present or ex DIL stop all contact if she has reason not to trust him.

As for your brother, you've explained. If he is a bit off with you tell him you'll help him out if he comes over and looks after everyone while you and DH have a weekend away. That should sort him out

@Mamma66

Who has to supervise the 'visits' Did a court say that you had to supervise them?

I would write to the courts saying what you have here- visits will stop End of that problem for you

Then pack his bags and say Adios!

Mamma66. I'm so sorry about your terrible situation. I understand your frustration at your brother, but - and please try not to get mad at me! - I can't help wondering if he was the "last straw". Maybe, being a person you can comfortably moan at and about, he got it in the neck from you at the moment when everything was boiling up inside you and so overwhelming and unmanageable that his comment just led you to explode. At him!
I think it is worth looking at the whole situation rather than just being frustrated with your brother. Yes - he is being unsympathetic and that is painful. But he's a bloke and probably hasn't really fully appreciated the full picture of how much you are dealing with. I suspect he is wondering why you are so involved with the children of an adult man. not your son, whose children are his responsibility, not yours.
It is relevant that these are your step-grandchildren. It is relevant that their blood relatives spend less time with them than you do. The point of them coming to your house is to be with their father. He is there because his father is there. You are a step mother to an adult. You are not responsible for his children.
I think maybe you should arrange to go away one Saturday when they next are due. You go out with a friend for the day. The men who are their Dad and Granddad have to stay and amuse the children. Leave strict instructions about cleaning up the house before they go.
You might make a habit of this. Then it is time their father began to find somewhere to live independently. His being with you and your husband can't be helping your marriage. Give him notice of how much longer he can stay. By the end of June, let's say, he has to be out.
I think then, when the supervised visits are made, he will either have to have a Social worker there or maybe his father will go over to his place. But his arrangements are up to him not up to you.

You looking after his children when they come for their fortnightly contact with their father and he is not there is completely ridiculous. Put your foot down and tell him you are not prepared to do it any more.

8Mamma66*So sorry I forgot you said he has to go by 1st June! That's good. I understand you feel you are doing this for the children but if their father isn't there most of the time what good is it doing? You work full time, their GDad had 7 weekends off a year (which personally I think he should prioritise to spend with you). Think about this! You are looking after three children, not your own, for the sake of a negligent father who won't be responsible for them!

You are not looking at this clearly. This is a big problem and you are aiding someone to breach the terms of the arrangement for his contact with his children. Cutting back to Saturday sounds better but it does not address the actual issue. It is a weak kind of compromise that ignores the absolute wrong that you are supporting.
Please step out of this scenario! You've said it is too much and I'm nor surprised!
Tell the father that from now on, he has to look after his children. He has to arrange a supervisor too. And notify the SS because these are not your children and you have become exhausted. If the SS knew that the father was hardly seeing the children and that they were left with someone not even related to them, would they have agreed to these terms of contact? Would their mother have agreed? Tell them! Please! The only reason the children are there is to be with their father! You are just as bad as he is by aiding and abetting him to do what he wants! He is making it appear to SS and his ex that he has his children every other week end. They do not know that he hands them over to the lady his dad is married to who is not related to him or the children. This is wrong! You should not be assisting him in doing this! I think you should contact SS as soon as you can, even without discussing it with your husband, and tell them that 1) you have to look after the children on your own and 2) their father is hardly ever there and 3) does nothing for them when he is. Tell them 4) you are not related to them and 5) you are exhausted, that 6) you also work full-time in the week and 7) your husband is hardly ever home at the weekends!
You need to do this. I think there could be trouble if you do not. I'm glad you have given him a date to leave. Whatever you do make it clear that the child-care you have given ends june 1st when he leaves. (and even if his leaving is delayed - Heaven Forfend!) Do not let him bring them to you and dump them on you to be looked after. In truth you should stop now! Your contact with them should only be as step-Granny who comes to see them while Daddy is looking after them. Not as the person who looks after them and daddy is not there.
Time to look after yourself Mamma66, you are not getting any younger and you need to make the most of every day.
Sorry to be so direct. I felt I had to be.

What does anyone think about the dreadful things being written about Meghan Markle online? Especially in the Mail Online comments, whenever there is an article about the Royal Family. It makes me want to weep that Harry couldn’t protect his mum from the newspapers and now he can’t protect his wife. There are the most foul things being said about her and the comments are not moderated, so you get the full blast of some very vile people. I have emailed the moderator this morning to ask why he/she/they are not doing there job. Every article ends up with about 2,000 comments. Most are negative, some obscene or slanderous. I didn’t realise this was going on till recently. That poor girl.

I do mean THEIR job, predictive text not illiteracy!

Mamma66 Unlike most respondents, I can see why your brother is fed-up. He cannot see why you do not put your father, who may not have long in this world, before a step son who is a shiftless reprobate who is putting on you even when your husband is at work, and dumping on you his children who should not be your responsibility at all when they are there for the sole purpose of being with their father.

I can understand why your brother is fed up because you put your husband's feckless son before your own father and don't even tell him it is his responsibility to be there. Your brother knows you are aiding and abetting a lazy reprobate who can't be bothered with his own children, when it is nothing to do with you and your true responsibility in that regard should be to notify the Social Services that the father is not there and has left his children with you who are not related to them.

I think you should put your father before that terrible son of your husband. It's time to stop wailing that you are a victim and take control. You have accepted this victim role. You could have said "NO" and when he left the children with you you could have picked up the phone and reported that he was not looking after them as his contact time agreement had stipulated.

Your dad will not live for ever.

Mamma66, your grandchildren will remember you with love and affection as someone who had time for them when they needed it. Your suggestion of them spending Friday to Saturday with you will keep you close to them while leaving you and DH with some time to yourselves. Enjoy!

Nitpick48. Sorry but you might be on the wrong thread here.

I just don't know how you keep going, the stress must be immense and I really think its time you took a stand and said no more, first to SS and then the stepson. You have your own health to think about and I reckon if you keep going on the way you are you will make ourself ill. Why does it have to be supervised visits? Is he demanding these visits not out of thought for the children but to annoy his ex wife. I would contact SS immediately and tell them other arrangements have to be made quickly, maybe also bring forward the leaving date for your stepson. Good luck

Are you really sure your dad couldn't cope with being there at the same time as the kids? I mean it's not like you'd expect him to help with them. A lot of studies show that the elderly feel good when young children are in their lives.

Why does he need to be supervised? Is that are a parenting issue?

Can’t the maternal grandparents help out with the children? You have a lot to contend with and deserve only praise for what you are doing.

I thought I had replied from my phone earlier, but it seems to have disappeared, so here goes again.

SS will certainly not be able to provide supervised contact over a weekend, and it would seem that this is the only time that contact is possible.

As you stepson is reluctant to take practical steps to be with the children when they are with him, it would seem to be one of those cases where the children have been used as a pawn in a legal situation/split. This so often happens, with no regard for the children.
I wonder if his 'need' to work most Saturdays is because actually he can't cope with the children/doesn't want them either.
Poor children!
I also wonder about Mums need to have every other weekend free, especially when you say that their weekends with you are to give them safety and security (that post seems to have disappeared as well) then I wonder at the situation with Mum.
Perhaps it is the time to go back to SS and perhaps have a Family Conference, or at the least a discussion about what is actually best for the children----and why.
Are there concerns that if mum has the children all the time they are at risk?

To answer you question about your brother, yes I do feel he is being thoughtless