Mothers Day is cancelled

I also think sometimes its good to spell out loud and clear what we would like. Maybe husband is not great at picking up clues.

sorry must come up with an alternative to " awful"

I take your points ladies but I feel that often this is a pattern. Somebody complains about a partner and everybody jumps in with " leave him"

muffins partner sounds like he has badly got this wrong. We don't know about his own mother, what lead him to call her a name. Perhaps she is awful.

I remember having 2 kids close together, partner working very very hard, me at home depressed. It was absolutely awful and I would have cheerfully committed murder some days.

I'd remember that come Fathers Day in June!

I agree with what you have said Mawbroon with regard to how a man treats his mother as an indicator of how he may treat his wife. Fortunately my daughters have married men who show the utmost respect for both their parents whilst also learning from my ex what they didn't want in a man.
It's so easy to make excuses for an uncaring man while you are tied up in that relationship, having invested so much of your life in that person.
I got to the stage where I would tell myself to expect nothing and then I wouldn't be disappointed. That is so wrong as the other person has robbed you of being of any value.
Please don't waste a chunk of your life on a waster like I did Muffin. Tell him how you feel and if he won't listen consider whether he is what you want for the rest of your life.

Would be asking how he justifies why MiL warrants flowers, not even just a card yet he feels it's not a real occasion for you. Would say a little card would be the least, I never wanted a gift of any kind. He could even try making one with children even though just sticking bits of coloured paper on a folded bit of paper and he would be able to put a little message to you. I find your situation quite sad.

TwiceAsNice I agree. As a child brought up by parents who seem very similar I grew up having to protect myself from my father's sharp tongue but also not having much respect for my mother who seemed to enable his behaviour and to downplay it. Obviously you can only pick up a certain amount from a post, but often the earlier children can be removed from a difficult situation the better.

Thanks for your reply Lily it was awful, hindsight is wonderful isn’t it. You don’t always realise you’re controlled until you’ve left. OP you deserve so much more yiu sound such a caring person your MIL is lucky to have you. I would just ask you to think carefully about how happy are you and if you are not do you imagine being like this for the next 40-50 years .

I was always told by my ex," you're not my mother. " He never even bought anything for the children to give me when they were small although once they were at school I received their treasured hand made cards.
He was a mean selfish man. The only time he bought me flowers was when I had received a 2000 tax rebate. The children got new shoes and he spent the rest.
Oh how stupid I was back then. I bless each day he is no longer my problem. The person I am today would not tolerate such mean behaviour but back then I was well and truly controlled and put in my place.
Yesterday my DH came home with flowers and chocs, which happens quite regularly, not just on Mother's Day!

I feel for you, you deserve much better treatment. I just wish that I could send you more than just good wishes. My wife even gets card and present from the dog! What sort of softy am I?

muffinthemoo Thu 28-Mar-19 16:26:37
I thought he may have been joking but reading that post made me think again!

He needs a reality check, he needs someone to take him aside and tell him that his behaviour is appalling towards you and towards his own mother if that is what he calls her. The best person to do it would be another man - what is his own father like, or has he learnt his appalling behaviour from him? Perhaps your father could have a word in his ear in a diplomatic way on how to treat women.

Even just breakfast in bed and him coping with the children, dressing them, feeding them breakfast on Sunday would be thoughtful. I'd rather that and a bunch of daffodils than any present myself.

As Aussies would say - he needs to 'pull his head in' - and fast.

Sorry to be blunt but he is an inconsiderate arse

What a sensible idea NainFron , I think some men think providing materially is their role in a family and concentrate all their efforts into this. Muffins hubby probably ( I hope ) has no idea how she's feeling and needs to have things explained very simply but firmly that it's not acceptable. Children need 2 parents that show they care about each other when they are around. I'm curious how his family get along with each other and what he learnt from his childhood. I agree with treating his mum kindly as that's how muffin wants to be treated herself. Recognition for doing a brilliant job with 3 very young children, respect for being his partner and his right hand person. He would not be able to work such long hours if she wasn't reliably managing the family responsibilities without him. ... I think you all need a bit of family time to remember to have fun with each other. Good luck and keep strong Muffin, your children won't always be so young and so dependent on you x

Funnily enough, Anna Jarvis who pretty much Created Mothers day, spent a huge deal of time trying to get it removed from the calendar because of the amount of commercialism.
So, to cut a really long story short, she fought and fought to get it put onto the calendars, then, once big companies started making money out of it, she tried then to have it removed!
Not being slightly religious, and not needing any rewards for motherhood (it was something I chose and loved!) I always told my lot to never bother, instead, I used to tell the kids if they really wanted to give me something, it had to be home made, as that would show me that they really cared and spent time on me!

My grandaughters husband always treats her to lovely things from the children, but she is like me, she gets her pleasure from seeing the children happy, so the past few Mothers day, they just spend some quality time together, and make memories. Thats the best gift I think a Mum can have.

OK Twice, sorry to hear that, its sounds awful. I just think generally we maybe should be careful giving out advice when we don't know the full story.

I don't think the " well don't buy him anything" approach is very helpful.

Sorry but he’s being a bit of an arse, I understand that if you didn’t order the flowers for his mum then it would be “your fault” for not doing it. I think you should treat yourself to something nice, and then do nothing for him on Father’s Day.

Lily it might seem simplistic for me to say what I did but as I left someone who treated me really badly when my children were adults and feel now they were badly scarred by my staying, I wish I had left when they we’re children now I can look back. Of course it’s not easy but if he doesn’t treat her well now why should he change in the future

Blimey, how mean! What I would do - buy myself flowers, chocs bottle of wine and say,

"Well, I'M not cancelling mother's day for myself. Today I'm taking the day off to enjoy myself."

Mothers Day has been rather hijacked by commercialism and I can understand someone not wanting to buy into the commercial element. However, why is your partner prepared to participate in such commercialism with regard to his Mum - and why is he asking you to sort out flowers for her?

Someone can sidestep the commercialism by showing their appreciation in other ways - a home made card, a special breakfast or meal, doing a few extra chores so that Mum can have a break, etc, etc.

I would be upset - but also very annoyed.

"I don't want to get the old c* anything"
That is an appalling way for him to speak about his mother, even if she is a difficult person.

Mother's Day is cancelled conveys that he is deliberately choosing to disregard you on that day. That is very unkind.
I say that as someone who has always been unbothered about 'special' days being ignored - but I would have felt hurt if a deliberate intention to disregard me was announced.

Definitely buy yourself some flowers anyway.

Yes Fathers Day effort could be good but I have done similar and it has gone over his head!!! Is it worth the effort?

I think you would be justified in going on strike on Sunday. Regardless of the hours HE works! This will be my first Mother Day without DH but he always bought me flowers (and his Mother) but said I was the Mother of HIS children. Actually Mothering Sunday is a church celebration it has just been hijacked by some commercial organisations

I haven't read the entire thread so apologies for any duplication.
Insensitive, crass, unkind, unfeeling, lacking empathy, what goes around comes around have all have gone through my mind but the most long winded is "does not realise on which side his bread is buttered".

Muffin If you have the time and energy I would suggest that on Father's Day which is Sunday, 16th June this year you put on a really big day for him - meal, cake, homemade cards, outing - the lot! Nothing commercially made but all labelled "made with love and appreciation" Just explain that you have come to realise that expressed love and appreciation mean more than anything in the world to you and it is so sad when it doesn't happen.

On the other hand if finances allow just order for yourself the biggest arrangement of flowers you can find!

Or both!

I would have ordered two big bunches of flowers, one for MIL and one for yourself and then put the ones for yourself in a very prominent place (a very big bunch).
If they are mentioned, say that I assumed that as you asked me to organise flowers for your mother, you weren't serious about Mother's Day not mattering so I saved you the time there too.

Mine was OK with his mother who was frosty and is OK with me. ( not frosty)