Mothers Day is cancelled

Hi muffin as a mother of 6 and the first 4 were under 5 I feel like I should sympathise with you but you and I are so lucky and I wish you all well.. I too was the only carer for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day etc. And no disrespect to your MIL because she may not know him but I would go out and buy yourself 4 beautiful cards from your children and a beautiful bunch of flowers and get the money for all flowers off him before you buy them ..even if it means paying less for mil flowers. And don’t sign his name on any of it...good luck darling and your troubles don’t start till the kids get older X

Just return the favour on Father’s Day

It would probably cause more trouble than it’s worth, but you could always tell her that DH says Mothers Day is cancelled, but you think she deserves the flowers YOU are sending her.

I am assuming you will not be having any more children with present husband Muffin.

I love Mother's Day! But my husband taught my two children to do something special on that day. When they were little he would take them shopping and they would make breakfast, etc. They still plan something special. I owe to my husband. In fact, I can count on that day better than Christmas. Am I a great mother? Well, I am not so sure, but they respect me that day if no other. PS They are both adopted. So much for 'blood' kin.

Oh Muffin, I feel for you. Is your husband always such an ungrateful prat? You say you're a stay at home mum because he wishes it, what do you want? He seems rather controlling to me. Surely he must see how unreasonable it is for him to expect you to buy a gift for his mother after he has declared no mothers day for you and your children.

Having had 4 children to care for, I know what hard work it can be to be a full-time child wrangler; I went to work for me time! If he can't see how crass his attitude is, I fear for your relationship tbh.

Muffin, I haven't posted before but your situation struck a chord. Thirty years ago I was in your position. A stay at home mum ( DH's choice) with 3 under 4's. He too worked long hours and was extremely unappreciative. I am sorry to say that we did not last the course but we have have had many years to reflect on what went wrong. It may be that our experience may be helpful to you. I hope so.
So thirty odd years ago and unknown to me, DH was really struggling with the huge responsibility of having to provide for his family. He was in a new job that was paying more money but that also came with great responsibility. He was becoming increasingly stressed and our home was hardly a peaceful haven for him to unwind! I saw my main role in life as mum and looking back the children's needs always took precedence over his or mine.
He resented the bond I had with the children (although they all adored him) and he felt left out of the family. He was understandably depressed - but it was not evident to me. He dreaded coming home at night which meant he worked later. He expressed his misery by making me feel inadequate and unappreciated but I don't think this was intentional, it just happened.
I, for my part, was exhausted and felt unloved. I had previously worked in the same industry as him and I vividly remember being furious to think that he got a lunch hour whilst my job was 24/7. I was also struggling with having 'lost my identity' having given up a good job. Looking back all I really needed from him was to know that he loved me but he was never able to either tell me or show me that for many years.
Eventually I was depressed and desperate too. We did acknowledge that all was not well but after a few years of failing to get our relationship back on it's feet, I left him.
The odd thing was that when I left him I was clear it was over for ever because I had tried very very hard to make life better for him and I was not prepared to carry on as it was ruining my life, his life, and affecting the children. I had bent over backwards to try to rebuild our lives and I had finally reached the end of my limits. At this point he said he was glad that I had 'done something ' to change our lives. He also said that the strong stance that I had finally taken was typical of the woman he married and that he loved me! He then told me he loved me every time he saw me for months and months. It was too late though.
Thirty years later I still love him and I think he still loves me but I am happily married to my second husband who I
have been with for 25 years, and I think my first husband is enjoying his life too. We both have good relationships with our children, although they are not the best re Mother's and Father's Day :-) .We both still feel the pain of that relationship breakup and if I could relive the time knowing what I know now maybe we could have made it work.
I don't know what your husband is dealing with, or how he is feeling, but certainly the behaviours that he is displaying are very similar to those that my ex displayed. I can't offer advice on where you go from here with your relationship but I would recommend that you learn to love yourself and if you can, do treat yourself as others have suggested. Also, my experience is that if you try too hard to appease everyone else you ultimately lose their respect.
If you haven't come across it already I would recommend reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Its an old book now but the message is pretty simple and it does give some insight that I have found extremely helpful in the years since I read it. It definitely would have given me a different perspective had I read it during my first marriage.
I hope you are soon in a better place.

I haven't had a Mother's Day card from my son since he was 11 and went up to Senior School and stopped making them at school. My daughter has always bought me a card - and, when her Dad was still alive he would pay for a box of chocolates (I don't like chocolates very much at all) to go with it. I used to say to them 'But I don't like chocolate' and they would chorus 'But we do' back - it was a running joke between us. The card meant much more to me than the box of chocolates ever could. Now I buy for my daughter from the three grandkiddies - GS is almost 16 so he tells me what he wants to get her and whether it is a funny or soppy card, GD1 does the same and GD2 often comes with me to chose her own gift and card. I was surprised when I found out that ex son in law never bothered to get her anything from the kiddies - but she always made sure her m-i-l had a card and present from them both. I used to make sure my mum and my lovely m-i-l both had cards and a small gift each year, never bothered me to buy for m-i-l as well as my own mum.

What does he do for you Muffin?

No MuffintheMoo, you are not being unreasonable. What an insensitive, crass and hurtful way to behave. Is he always like this? How about ordering for both MIL and yourself huge bouquet of flowers, box of chocs, and seriously expensive card, on his credit, debit card. Or have a serious talk with him and explain how much you feel undervalued, hurt, taken for granted and what you’d like him to do about it. (depends on your relationship as to which would be most effective way to make him understand the hurt he’s caused). In the meantime ...

Wow! Double standards! Was he serious about MDay cancellation or just joking and going to surprise you maybe? In any event you're a nobler person than me as I would have told him to order flowers himself, his mother not yours. Hope it was all just a joke and you get some nice surprises on the day.

I’m wondering if there are other things he’s doing that are totally unacceptable, do you think he may be a coercive controller. He certainly sounds like he has all the power in this relationship. I wouldn’t get upset by the posts which are saying they have never bothered with Mother’s Day. They are clearly missing the point and the bigger picture. He certainly sounds like he has rather draconian ideas about marriage. Asking you not to work but still not contributing to to all the housework and childcare to enable him to be away for long periods of time no doubt advancing his career. I’m concerned for you. What financial arrangement have you got regarding some financial independence . I can understand in this sort of power dynamic it’s not going to be easy to turn around and tell him about his double standards regarding his mother. If you are unhappy in this marriage I would suggest you seek someone out who you could talk to about it , professionally I mean if that is it would be possible without him knowing and retaliating. Good luck. And remember your worth even if he doesn’t.

DH should be giving you flowers every week ! He may be holding the family together financially, but you are doing it all physically and emotionally ?

Muffin, I would have refused to order flowers for his mother. What a horrible thing to say to you, that Mother’s Day is cancelled in your home, but not in his mother’s. If Mother’s Day is cancelled, it’s cancelled for everyone, not just you.

I understand how you feel. My DH has invited everyone here for Sunday lunch to celebrate Mothering Sunday. To be honest, it will mean extra shopping, cooking and cleaning for me. Where's my treat?

You could say " So, you will be telling your mother that Mothering Sunday has been cancelled?

kwest you have cracked it !

Suspect I might receive a text on the day if either of them remembers. Don't mind the occasion: find it too commercial but do enjoy the contact for any reason whatsoever. We never encouraged it but if either of them expressed a wish to draw me a picture or make me a coffee on the day then that was just terrific.

You could say " So, you will be telling your mother that Mothering Sunday has been cancelled?".

John it’s a rotten thing to do - at its best it’s teasing but teasing soon becomes cruel and a form of bullying. As I said before it’s an abuse of power - emotional abuse. If that happened to me I’d stuff whatever they turned up with where the sun don’t shine.

I have a friend who was told similar to this and was then given a special surprise treat on the day. Never give up hope.

I sympathise. It was a source of upset for me when my two children were small. My husband seemed to resent having to organise a card from them and perhaps breakfast in bed (their choice).‘You’re not my mother’ was the comment.
As the mother of his children, for me it was simply to teach them that Mothering Sunday was a special day to say thank you. Fortunately as adults they always send me a card and phone.

I really hope your DH shows his appreciation in other ways? My DH is not one for big ‘romantic’ gestures and he can be insensitive at times, but in his own way he is quite thoughtful and is a kind and generous husband. I truly hope that your DH is thoughtful in his own way too. If he’s not I would really recommend you talking honestly and calmly as if this is not addressed these are the seeds which could grow into resentment and cause what could be a good marriage to eventually fall apart. On a practical level, if he doesn’t take the hint, leave him in charge of the kids and go on a spa day (or whatever takes your fancy) on his credit card and see how ‘easy’ it is to look after three small children. Good luck

I do usually get cards flowers chocs off my Dc but this year ive been and bought myself 3 gifts only 13 -15 pound each because i actually think i deserve it my eldest is 32 my youngest 19 i dont expect anything off them but i do love a nice card and i have told the kids what ive bought and if they want to chip in they can, getting cheeky in my old age

I would write DH a letter, explaining that I am feeling undervalued, unloved, (and anything else that you feel). I would tell him how much I love him and the children, and value the long hours that he works to provide for us all. I would explain my fears for the future ( for example, my feelings of being undervalued may lead to resentment in the long term and damage to our relationship) . Finally I would tell him what behaviours need to change.
Writing a letter gives you time to explain without blaming. It reduces the risk of saying something that you may later regret. It also allows him time to read and digest without snapping. I hope this helps.

I would have ordered two lots of flowers, one for you and one for mother in law, explain to husband that your children don't want to be left out, all their friends will be doing mothers day stuff. And I would forget about making him breakfast lunch etc, spend some time with your children, making cards or cookies, and when he gets hungry suggest you go out as a family to eat. Neither of my exhusbands bothered about mothers day, so often, neither did my children, now they have children of their own they make sure they get a special day, that is how I should have been too. Don't sit back and wait, teach your children that mothers day counts