To think DD's oncologist was insensitive?

Thanks for your kind comments everyone. I'm glad you don't all think I was being OTT with my rant.

DD does have a specialist nurse, maryeliza but she wasn't there yesterday. We will be meeting a support team next week though.

As for complaining....That will be up to DD and I doubt she will want to. I'm sure she will be cared for by some lovely people during her treatment so best not to rock the boat.

I suppose in a situation like this you soon suss out who is likely to be the brusque one and who is kinder but I will complain to our GP if she continues with a negative approach.

That is dreadful merlot . I am so sorry for your DD and your family. I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right know and to have such an uncaring appointment is totally uncalled for.

merlot very sad to hear this. It's just wrong. My mother's consultant oncologist was the same. And this was a woman which shock Mum even more as she had ovarian cancer. At her first meeting, she was so brusque and dismissive when giving the prognosis, Mum ended up saying "well as it's obviously curtains for me, do you even want me here?"

That is truly beyond words Merlot. How dreadful for your DD and for you.

I am appalled.

I am so sorry to hear about your girl Merlot I have a daughter who has severe health issues too,I know how it affects your whole life and the sleepless nights it brings.

I too had a consultant like this many years ago, frank and to the point ,he wouldn't have known compassion or empathy if they had punched his nose.After the initial shock of his diagnosis I realised that knowing the worst was best ...for me .I understand that we are all different ,but it gave me the chance to think ahead and get my crying out of the way
.My consultation was about a child who was dying and who did die soon after his awful harsh words.As a mother I feel for you being in this situation but fearing the worst is often much tougher than knowing it..you can deal with it thats what us mums do .Hopefully the treatment wont affect her badly and she 'll have a chance of a decent life .My thoughts are with you both and all who love you.Take care of yourself ,she needs you to be strong .

My thoughts and prayers Merlot for your DD and all the family x

Merlot that was totally unnecessary and unforgivable. There are kinder ways to inform a patient of bad news. As somebody else said, that man is not a people person and would be better off in a laboratory.

You are not being oversensitive. That's appalling treatment.

There's a way to be factual while at the same time supporting the patient - for example, saying gently, "It's not the news we were hoping for."

The original diagnosis was given to DD by an HPG consultant a month ago. We were both in shock but the consultant was kind and patient and there was a support nurse present. The atmosphere was one of encouragement and hope. Despite the poor prognosis, chemo was going to be given in an attempt to shrink the tumour to buy her more time.

Yesterday was the first appointment with oncology. DD was expecting the same attitude so had her 'positive mental attitude' hat on. Any hope was dashed. Chemo would be for palliative care only and probably wouldn't last beyond the first treatment.

Today has been a bad day but tomorrow we'll come out fighting.

Merlot, how awful for your daughter and for you all. My thoughts and good wishes go out to you, your daughter and all the family. Be strong ?
You've been through the mill as well Paddyann -thinking of you and all who have had sad times xx

Merlot I am so sorry you've had such an appallingly insensitive meeting. Your poor DD - as if she isn't going through enough already, to be subjected to such callousness is really beyond the pale.

You are absolutely not being over sensitive. The consultant's attitude was truly shocking. God almighty, why isn't bedside manner something they're all taught at medical school? Something that they can be failed on!!! This man should never have been allowed to graduate if that's how he deals with people when they are at their most vulnerable, most scared. I feel so angry on your behalf

for you and your DD. You are all in my prayers xx

The oncologist is a woman which kind of makes it worse in a way.

Just a thought....DGD2 has accepted an offer of a place at Kings (her first choice) to study medicine. She has mild Asperger's which doesn't affect her academic ability at all but before all this happened to DD we joked that C's bedside manner would need working on. She tells it like it is!

I had a lovely message from her today saying that during her work experience she reckoned that the best consultants she shadowed were probably somewhere on the spectrum. I know she meant it as a joke but having read the above posts agreeing with mine, it does make
you wonder.

Sending kind thoughts

merlot whatever the oncologist may have said, your DD couldn’t have a better, more supportive Mum.
I hope that at her next appointment, she’ll get the kindness and care she deserves. X

I just wanted to add that I agree with everyone that the consultant was out of order.
My sympathies merlot

Merlotgran…..I'm so sorry your daughter was exposed to this type of treatment. (flowers)
I'm not surprised you were fuming!!
I understand how you feel about complaining and rocking the boat.
Perhaps another family member could take control of this for you?
I have no words helpful enough, but just like to give you, your daughter and all your family my thoughts and prayers. (flowers)

I'm very sorry that your daughter is so ill.

Very insensitive of the oncologist - I'm all for doctors being straight and giving the facts but giving a little hope is important too.

merlot, can I echo ja's post. And remember we are here for you!

Oh merlot I just wanted to say I had no idea your dear daughter was so poorly. I am so sorry. That oncoligist wants a good talking to ! How dare she upset someone so unwell.

The experience we had with my mums oncologist couldn’t have been more different. He never once mentioned the word cancer or tumour, which I know isn’t right for everyone, but it was absolutely right for my mum who always struggled to face any kind of upset, never mind something so serious. Somehow he just “read her right” and referred to her cancer as “hot spots” (of which she had several) . It worked for her.

Your daughter will be in my thoughts merlot wishing her lots and lots of

Thank goodness your DD has you there for her Merlot

My long post has disappeared.
In essence the Oncologist was very cruel and uncaring.
My.prayers will be with you all.
Positive is the only way to go now, if you can manage it.
So very sorry for you all.

Merlot sending you and your daughter my best wishes. Having walked this walk with DH, we experienced kindness and care from his medical team. Palliative chemo bought him more time.
I am sorry your consultant has treated you badly and feel very angry on your behalf.

That must have been so difficult for you both Merlot It's hard to believe someone could think this was an acceptable way to pass on such news. I can understand that getting involved in a complaints process is the last thing on your mind.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Your post made me cry merlotgran how heartbreaking for you and your girl.

No it’s not on. I would approach the senior nurse in charge of your dds care and tell her about it. As a retired nursing sister myself I would have taken the consultant to task. Utterly unacceptable.

Maybe write your thoughts down in a letter and give it to the ward sister. Not a formal complaint but your thoughts and how her attitude needs changing.

I am praying for you and your dd

Your daughter's oncologist was worse than insensitive; in her brief consultation she destroyed all the progress that the other medical teams had worked so hard to achieve. Mental strength is of massive importance in coping with illness.
A young friend training to be a doctor told me that the importance of a good 'bedside manner' was drummed into them continually; I think you should write a letter of complaint to the highest authority at the hospital about the oncologist's consultation, as she is actively damaging the work of other departments, not to mention the severe effect on your daughter.
Most hospitals pride themselves on their attitude towards their patients and I think they would welcome the knowledge that this is not always the case, and take steps to remedy it.
I am so sorry for such a dreadful situation.