To think DD's oncologist was insensitive?

Having had operation for bowel cancer 3 years ago followed by 6 months of chemo it has now appeared in my liver and a few weeks ago had that tumour removed along with my gallbladder and a hernia repair. The surgeons and oncologist have been great but the people I’ve found most helpful are the Maggie Centre. I’ve always asked that everyone to be completely upfront about everything, which they have been. Having said that I have one specialist nurse that kept telling me it’s all fine nothing to worry about and it very definitely was something ie liver tumour that was also touching gallbladder. You need be prepared to question things and that’s where the maggie centre really helped. I suggest contacting them ASAP

Oh Dear Merlotgran - I’m so sorry it’s such a horrible time for you all just now. Yes, I can well imagine you are all scared by what the future holds. The only thing I can say is that it’s clear that your daughter will know that she is very much loved by you which is such an important, and wonderful, thing to give her just now. Do, though, take care of yourself as well - it must be an exhausting time emotionally.

I also send my sympathy for the way tour DD was treated. My husband, many years ago had terminal cancer but the oncologists didn’t tell him so I didn’t know either. Then a GP in our practice let slip that he wasn’t going to live and I was left in the horrible position of having to pretend I didn’t know. We never said the things we needed to say to each other before he died during a treatment. Just a phone call to tell me he had died. I had 3 tiny children and it was awful. There has to be a better way between that and saying nothing and I thought doctors were now trained to handle this sort of thing truthfully but kindly. Obviously not.

No Merlotgran. I don’t think you are being oversensitive. I worked in the NHS for nearly 40 years. In those years I met some wonderful caring doctors and nursing colleagues.
However I also met some who were an insult to the profession, they may have had the medical qualifications but some had no qualifications whatsoever in people skills or caring skills, just full of their own importance. Over those years I had seen some struck off and two serving jail sentences. I am so sorry to read of yours and DD experience. Thinking of you.

Receiving a blunt delivery of bad news from a time strapped consultant is awful. This is processing, not caring!
But. Where do you go from here?
I assume there is a speciality/Macmillan nurse involved?
Please contact them regarding, much needed, continuing holistic support for you both. If ever their specialised input was required, it is now.

Hopefully she is one of those whose terrible bedside manner is counteracted by her sheer brilliance at the medical side of things. I can’t imagine what a terrible time this must be for you and wish you strength over the coming weeks and months.
For what it’s worth I wouldn’t complain about her - you need her on side. Also you don’t know what’s going on in her life too. X

A friend of a friend asked if there were any trials going on because he had nothing to lose by trying but unfortunately there were none at that moment.

My dear Merlot, what awful news for you all and then worst of all to be spoken to by the consultant like that. I realise they are rushed off their feet, but they should take into consideration the reasons why they are doing that job in the first place. Compassion and understanding is not difficult. I sincerely hope your daughter and yourselves get the best care that you all so rightly deserve. I have put my name forward to be an NHS volunteer back in December and waiting for news, I hope I can be that little help in the corner of a ward.

Thank you, everyone. I'm reluctant to complain at this stage because for one thing I am no longer DD's next of kin. If it were DH I wouldn't hesitate.

I have DD's fragile emotions to take into consideration and as a fiercely independent woman she would be furious if I acted on her behalf. It's her decision and at the moment she wants to see how next week's appointment goes. I'm sure she will seize an opportunity to have a word in somebody's ear if there's a chance but any formal complaint would just cause her more stress.

In my view you should make a formal complaint.I was told this by someone at PALS.She has a daughter with chronic illness and when they got to the hospital.if she is unhappy with the consultation she makes a complaint IMMEDIATELY

Copy your letter (anonymously) and put it in the suggestions box / hand it in in a sealed envelope for the admin dept.

Good luck and keep going. All sorts of ideas are being tried successfully now. Sign up to try something new!

I am so sorry for your news and your daughter’s illness. I too have had a relative given similar treatment by a consultant, left to drive home after being given an out of the blue terminal diagnosis. Yes the NHS are overstretched, yes the staff are wonderful but some consultants and I mean some, have become detached from being empathetic. I suppose if nearly everyday you are tasked with giving distressing news, it is an escape mechanism to save your own sanity but perhaps news should be given by a trained and sympathetic person rather than an consultant who may be brilliant at treatment but lacks that human touch.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter Merlot.
I am in agreement with those who think that you should send a letter of complaint to the hospital, asking for anonymity, and point out that some staff need training in bedside manners. Mention the name of the oncologist. Other people will very likely have received similar rude cruel behaviour from this highly paid oncologist, and they may have complained too. The oncologist may be used to seeing very ill patients with similar diagnoses but this does not excuse her/ his treatment of your daughter. All ill people deserve kindness and respect.
I do hope you and your daughter do not encounter such vile behaviour again, and I also hope that she will go into remission as so many cancer patients do, or even get cured.

I so agree with NanKate. Does the hospital have PALS patient advice and liaison? I understand your family's world has been turned upside down right now but a complaint might save another patient being spared this awful experience. Big virtual hug x

I am so sorry for you all Merlot. Life is unfair but for this woman to take away Hope is really cruel.

I would write to PALS and make a complaint. She is clearly in the wrong job.

Rather than making an official complaint, I’d be inclined to print out this thread and send it to the hospital. Or give it to the hospital’s PALS (Patient Advice and Liaison Service).

How dreadful for everyone involved. It really is bad enough without being treated with insensitivity. I have recently been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer which is now in my lung, liver, rib and spine. I was told very gently, and not everything at once. My specialists have been sensitive and my specialist nurses and my GP have been supportive. It is hard to complain when in the midst of such desperate times, and you feel so vulnerable. You can contact PALS at the hospital and they will try and improve things for you both. I am so sorry for you both

I think in some cases the more senior the more blunt and brusque some of them are, not all I would add. My daughter saw this when she was in hospital recently, luckily hers was brilliant but she saw the way some of the patients in the same ward were more or less dismissed by theirs and one actually told a patient he had others to see so didn't have time to answer her questions. I would certainly complain. Thinking of you, your daughter and family.

You had every reason the feel angry - any positive or encouraging feedback was completely smashed by this very insensitive consultant. I know they have to give you facts but there is ways this can be done and this certainly wasn’t one of them. Shame on this consultant in making you all feel they way you did. I am so sorry for you and your daughter and hope she gets through these tough times

Very best wishes to you and your daughter in this awful situation, Merlotgran. Kindness costs nothing but some doctors don't seem to have got the message!

In my view, this kind of treatment amounts to total disrespect of the patient. Quite disgraceful, and the consultant should be called out on his/her behaviour.

So sorry merlot to hear what you are all going through - and the terrible upset caused by an insensitive doctor.

I'm not sure it's right to give false hope, but there are much kinder ways of giving factual information. And, however busy a doctor may be, showing genuine care and concern is, I think, of paramount importance in such a situation. I think the way this doctor behaved is appalling.

Merlotgran, I'm so very sorry for you and for your daughter in this situation. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I would however urge you to speak to someone about your daughter's consultation with the oncologist: I always feel when someone has had a raw deal from the NHS, its helpful to give feedback and to hand that pain back to them so that you can get on with the important business of helping your daughter live the rest of her life in the best way possible. The easiest and most effective way to give feedback is via the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) department at the hospital. You can do it over the phone and you'll feel so much better for handing it over.

merlot I'm so sorry your dd had this dreadful experience, I hope that her support team will be able to give her some comfort.

I am so sorry Merlot and feel shocked at your DD’s terrible treatment from the oncologist, though it doesn’t surprise me. My DD has had some terrible experiences at the hands of a couple of doctors and two nurses during the last year while spending months in hospital.

I wish I could send you lots of strength. I hope your DD receives only kindness in the future.