Gransnet forums


Both sons, daughter in law, adult grandson, adult granddaughter.

(54 Posts)
Alexa Wed 03-Apr-19 20:11:48

AIBU? We are all in the same small city. My grandchildren are newly arrived at home for the Easter vacation. My elder son shares house with me, temporarily. They all met at a pub last week and did not think to ask me . I'm not aware of any discord . I'd have liked to be invited too. I wonder if I have done something wrong.

I asked my elder son why I was not invited and he said to ask his brother who had invited him.

Alexa Mon 08-Apr-19 10:05:05

Many thanks to you all. Well, I thought that an update would be in order. My younger son came over yesterday and I remarked I'd have liked to be invited to the --- . He asked if \i could have endured two hours in a pub, some music going on too. I said I could have managed two hours as long as they did not expect me to hear everything that they all said. Then he said that it was all spontaneous that his children had arranged to go and casually asked him to come along and he asked his brother and simply did not consider I'd like to go. I well understood this as he knows I don't hanker after pubs, beer etc.

This pub meeting was different as it involved grandchildren and daughter in law too. Although we don't all hobnob together it would be nice I thought to be recognised now and again at a casual family get together. Anyway no bad feelings with me or anyone else, however I still think that generally old people are too often excluded, and other minorities too.

Actually, grans, the relationships between my grandchildren and me are almost non existent. This casual pub meet might have been a new beginning. I blame myself for not making enough effort and the geographical distances when they were all young children. Probably cannot be helped now that they are adults. All relationships require a lot of attention.

crystaltipps Mon 08-Apr-19 07:11:47

I don’t invite my children to every social event I go to or when I have friends round for dinner, so why should they invite me to their social events? They have their own life separate from their parents as do I. We do plenty of family things together, we just don’t do everything together. Don’t take it personally.

Apricity Mon 08-Apr-19 01:45:42

As NotSpagetti and others have said it is more likely that your adult children just wanted a night out together at the pub. All pretty normal stuff. There are lots of conversations, stories, jokes that they really don't want to tell in front of their Mum. Having Mum present does change the tone of the evening.

Also, I don't think many adult children really understand that a parent, especially one on their own, may sometimes feel a bit left out in situations like this. The bittersweet process of letting go of your children into the world is not a life experience they have had to face at this stage of their lives.

Instead of the feelings of low self esteem you should give yourself credit for having brought up children who are friends, like each other's company and want to have a night out with their siblings. That's a parenting job well done. 💐

NotSpaghetti Mon 08-Apr-19 00:45:58

Searcher60 I think you make some interesting observations but I'm afraid i think that you are wrong in your conclusions. Younger people may not choose to socialise with people who "don't fit in" with "their" group but surely WE didn't choose this either - and still don't. We may be polite and friendly but I'm pretty sure we wouldn't choose it.
As for being insular, in my experience they aren't. They seem to have more diverse friends and relationships than most of my generation and mix more across "social classes".

Also, I feel this is not really what the post was about.
The OP was feeling a bit left out, not put-upon. And I don't think this is an ageist situation either, more about them having time as siblings together. They do include Alexa in things and she says that they are caring and attentive. I'm genuinely sorry if you have had bad experiences with the next generation but I don't think it's universal by any means. Take heart!

Alexa, I expect it's hard to be on your own when they are having fun, but as others have said, it's great that they get along. I hope you get to enjoy an outing with them very soon!

jeanie99 Mon 08-Apr-19 00:01:12

My son and daughter and their children do not live near so when they come up to us or we go down to them we always go out as a family.
I do understand totally what the younger people are saying though about siblings enjoying going out without their parents.
In fact tonight I said to my hubby when our adult children come to stay this summer I am going to suggest after the little ones are in bed that they go out together. They do not see each other very often and it would be lovely for them to get together and go to the pub for a good old chat without the children and us.

Alexa Sun 07-Apr-19 12:26:35

Ameliarose, you nailed it thanks. The feeling of being excluded as a general and widespread problem, not only for old people but for all sorts of minorities, needs to be attended to .

paddyann Sun 07-Apr-19 12:06:15

My two and their families spend alot of time together ,they even go on holiday together a couple of times a year.They speak to each other daily and txt and msg each other all the time.I am delighted that they have stayed as close as they were as children and that their families are equally as close.They do say why dont you come on holiday with us you and Dad would love it.....Dad and me love having some time and space to ourselves .We see the family and take care of the children a lot so we're more than happy to let them do their own thing .

Ameliarose Sun 07-Apr-19 11:23:22

I think the point is that they have had a meet up ,and mum is now on her own as I am and she felt excluded

Alexa Fri 05-Apr-19 11:04:32

Bradford Lass, the son who invited was away from home when I found out from son number 1 that it had been a family meet up in the pub. Actually they know that I don't like noisy pubs much but I'd still like to have been asked.Sons are both extremely caring and helpful and could not be more loving. My problem is not them, it's me , low self esteem .

humptydumpty Fri 05-Apr-19 10:56:24

Alexa I wouldn't worry, once your children leave home and start their own families, they naturally associate with people of their own generation, I think; I'm sure it's nothing personal, you just have to be willing to accept a back seat now.

EllanVannin Fri 05-Apr-19 10:50:19

I personally wouldn't have been bothered, but that's just me.

BradfordLass72 Fri 05-Apr-19 07:39:15

I think anyone in this position has to look at the way they are normally treated by their family.

If your sons, wives, grand-children usually treat you kindly, lovingly and with respect, than that's how they see you.
This lack of invitation was because, as others have said, it was a time for the youngsters. Nothing wrong with that is there?

It doesn't means you did or said anything amiss.

I wonder why you haven't already asked your son why it happened? Does he normally treat you unfeelingly?

I know so well how the atmosphere changes when the demographics do and it's certainly not personal in any way - just a fact of life.

Searcher60 Fri 05-Apr-19 02:14:35

This is now very common. Today's generation is very insular. They seem to be only able to hang out with their own peer group. This can be even worse when they refuse to hang out with people who have different political views or don't fit in with their social group. It happens in a work environment as well as home. At work or home when choosing social venues they consider everyone from vegans ethnic minorities. The over 50's dont get a look in until they require their help. Their is no kudos in quietly doing what is right.
However if you tell them they are ageist it would shock them. It is time the silver brigade stood up for themselves and created a propper political lobby group. Perhaps if it became hip to consider the elderly we might be treated fairly.

Alexa Thu 04-Apr-19 22:51:17

I am grateful that they all get on well and that they have a lot of real good friends too.

And thanks very much grans for the kind help.

annodomini Thu 04-Apr-19 18:27:55

Is there the remotest chance, OP, that they were planning a surprise for you? My lot were very secretive when they were planning my 70th party. On the other hand, I don't mind at all if they all slope off to the pub without me.

ElaineRI55 Thu 04-Apr-19 18:12:00

Sounds as though they were just having a " youngsters" night out and probably thought you wouldn't be interested. Be grateful that they all get on so well - there are plenty of families where that's not the case. Also recognise that this is probably largely due to the upbringing you provided that made them feel secure and loved.
My kids meet up without my husband and me but we also see them on other occasions. As others said, they maybe chat about things they wouldn't discuss when the older generation are present.
Nothing to stop you suggesting a night at the pub or other outing you can all attend.
I'm sure they weren't deliberately excluding you and would be very sad to think they may have hurt you.

Febmummaofaboy Thu 04-Apr-19 18:04:53

You have done nothing wrong, it is totally normal. I have 3 sisters and my husband has 2 brothers and we always do stuff without parents. It's nothing against the parents and I'm not sure why we don't invite them really, I guess it breaks down to your siblings are your friends and parents are parents? If you think back was your grandma present at all events your parents had? Try not to worry and enjoy having your son back at home with you flowers

Gonegirl Thu 04-Apr-19 18:02:14

Well, if it was for a meal, I think it was really mean not to invite you. If it was just for a few drinks then I think that was ok. (Who would want to bother with that anyway?)

Purpledaffodil Thu 04-Apr-19 17:46:59

Can see this from both sides. When our parents were alive, brother and SiL would visit from abroad and stay with them. We did stuff all together but really loved things with just our generation. Just different somehow. Now our parents are dead, we still enjoy each other’s company.
I try to remember this when our AC get together without us. I would love to join them, but want them to build memories and relationships that will last when we are dead. 😁

Teddy123 Thu 04-Apr-19 16:58:32

It wasn't ALEXA who was left out with the expectation that she would babysit ..... It was Aggie!

In any event ALEXA, I would rest assured that it wasn't something you've done. I'm guessing your family just didn't think it through, especially if you live alone etc etc. Perhaps we do get a little stereotyped by our offspring and they don't realise we like a chat and laugh in the pub, just like anyone else.

So best to put it out of your mind if you can. I'm sure they just don't 'get' how hurtful this sort of thing can be. Perhaps why it's best to maintain an active social life whatever ones age X

Nonnie Thu 04-Apr-19 15:52:38

They could have had things to talk about which would not have been appropriate in front of you. Things only interesting to their age and circumstances or even about you for the nicest possible reasons. Unless it becomes a pattern I shouldn't think any more about it.

Riggie Thu 04-Apr-19 15:30:17

Similar happened to me. I didn't blame dh because he hadn't known the other family members would be there - it was just supposed to be him and his brother who was visiting from another area. I was at home with ds so probably couldn't have gone anyway but not being asked felt like a big kick in the teeth.

TwiceAsNice Thu 04-Apr-19 15:07:42

I am included in a lot of things my daughters do but I’m also happy when they do things together or with friends and Im not invited it’s fine. Different situations different reactions. I’m sometimes asked and say thanks for including me but no thanks. Doesn’t sto them asking another time I wouldn’t be offended

luluaugust Thu 04-Apr-19 14:32:17

oldmoms right you know don't worry I am sure they didn't mean to upset you. By the way I love one brother trying to drop the other one in it, typical. Our AC often do things and I think I wouldn't have minded going along but I do remember that my dear parents certainly weren't asked to everything we did.

Alexa Thu 04-Apr-19 13:46:57

I do like to feel normal, as I have a low self esteem problem ongoing as the saying goes. For that reason oldmom's post especially made me feel normal and better .