Gransnet forums


Both sons, daughter in law, adult grandson, adult granddaughter.

(53 Posts)
Alexa Wed 03-Apr-19 20:11:48

AIBU? We are all in the same small city. My grandchildren are newly arrived at home for the Easter vacation. My elder son shares house with me, temporarily. They all met at a pub last week and did not think to ask me . I'm not aware of any discord . I'd have liked to be invited too. I wonder if I have done something wrong.

I asked my elder son why I was not invited and he said to ask his brother who had invited him.

Tangerine Wed 03-Apr-19 20:17:11

It does sound odd and insensitive. Ask the son who did the inviting.

aggie Wed 03-Apr-19 20:20:44

One Christmas DD her OH Sister and various others got ready to go across the road to the pub for a meal , great chat jockying for the bathroom etc , you get the picture , someone asked about the wee one ...... oh Mum will be here won't you ? huh? i hastily wiped off the lipstick and pinned on a grin ... of course dear !set the theme from then on . I have only recently become a person again and invited out , sometimes i go , sometimes I decline

Alexa Wed 03-Apr-19 20:51:16

Is this stereotyping then ? I don't mind so much if that is what it is . I worry about have I done something wrong, or said something that offended so much.

Grammaretto Wed 03-Apr-19 21:07:23

Sadly I think your role is now to be the stay-at-home house sitter who isn't interested in going to the pub.
Unless you assert yourself now it will remain that way.

In the past have you accepted the babysitting role without a murmer?

Eglantine21 Wed 03-Apr-19 21:08:56

I don’t think you have. They just thought you were too old for a pub evening grin

My adult children have get togethers that don’t include me, usually watching live sports and playing board games.

I guess the difference is I don’t want to go.....

Newmom101 Wed 03-Apr-19 21:18:44

I would try not to take it personally OP, they probably haven't done it to purposely exclude you or because you've done anything wrong.

Me, my OH and my siblings often arrange things without inviting my parents. It's just that having your parents (or grandparents) around can change the tone of the evening and the conversation. When our parents are there then there are some things we don't talk about and watch what we say a bit more, whereas it's much more relaxed and more like hanging out with friends when our parents aren't there.

BlueSapphire Thu 04-Apr-19 08:08:59

I agree with Newmom. I am one of five children and once a year we and our families all used to meet up and have a big jolly. Mum was not invited as we could all be more relaxed and casual. We always included DM on Mothering Sunday, her birthday and Christmas and she came regularly to stay. Same happens now that I am the DM - I know that DS and DD and families meet up occasionally without me, and they have had weekends away all together renting a cottage where I am not included. I am pleased they all get on together so well.

kittylester Thu 04-Apr-19 08:34:59

I love it when my 5 and their families choose to get together and am not at all offended that the exclude us. I hope they maintain their closeness when we are dead.

I would, however, be fed up if we were never involved in group meet ups.

Mycatisahacker Thu 04-Apr-19 09:05:02

Yes I think it’s not at all about excluding you op and I too love it that my adult kids grin get together and meet up without me and dad.

I expect they didn’t think either you wanted to go or it was just a sibling meet up and you must be pleased they get on so well?

Next time you arrange a pub meet up?

KatyK Thu 04-Apr-19 09:46:51

My first post on GN a few years ago was about my DD going out to theatres etc with her friend, her friends mum and the mum's friends. Also dance competitions that my DGD took part in were attended by DD, her two friends and their mums. DD would tell me that they 'went to a nice pub for lunch afterwards'. I wasn't babysitting, I just wasn't invited. She couldn't understand why I was upset that all the other mums were invited but not me. It wasn't malicious, just thoughtless.

Anja Thu 04-Apr-19 10:07:22

Call a friend and arrange to go out together for a drink. Leave your elder son to get his own food that night

Purplepoppies Thu 04-Apr-19 10:10:12

When I travel home to see family I usually have a get together with my siblings that doesn't include our mum. We can be more relaxed and open, not have to mind our P's and Q's etc. We do have a family dinner normally too. I wouldn't take offence Alexa.

LuckyFour Thu 04-Apr-19 10:29:56

We always spend Christmas Day with Dd and family. This year we were invited for lunch but they were invited to a party in the evening with friends and although we had apparently been included in the invite our Dd said she didn't want us to come. I was very upset but didn't show it. Pride? We carry on as normal but I won't be hurt like that again. We are lively, people and can chat with anyone.

kwest Thu 04-Apr-19 10:36:29

It takes a very long time before our children see us as human beings with feelings rather than as parents or grandparents.
When they do it is lovely, but also a little worrying as the sub-text seems to be, "We better look after them, they are getting old and might die". We have no intention of dying for a very long time ( I know we have no control over this) but some of our children's friends are losing their parents and I know it has frightened them. I think we have become more relaxed as we have got older and we do love seeing our children and grandchildren here and thankfully they seem to enjoy being here too. Our children do now frequently show how much they care for us in many ways. So just be patient, know that they love you and they are still growing up emotionally.

GabriellaG54 Thu 04-Apr-19 10:51:59

Children, adult or not, discuss things with their peers that they may not necessarily want to share with you.
That's just a fact of life.
They may have felt stifled in what they could say in your company, even though you may think you have a modern approach.
Just leave it.
If they had wanted you there they would have asked you. Asking the reason may put your son in an awkward position and I'm sure that you wouldn't want to do that.
They had their reasons. Let it go.
I say this as a mother of 5 (sons and daughters) 9 GC and 3 GGC.

chris8888 Thu 04-Apr-19 10:52:46

Same here op, sometimes they just don`t think, rather than you have offended them. As people as said above sometimes they just see us as `the oldies`

GabriellaG54 Thu 04-Apr-19 10:56:33

A very well drawn scenario.
I laughed at the part when you wiped off your lipstick and 'pinned on' a smile, although I really felt for you. sad
At times we become invisible.

Elegran Thu 04-Apr-19 11:14:19

At moments like these you have to think back a few decades. Would you have invited your mother to the pub when you were meeting a gang of friends your own age for an evening of ribald drinking?

Jacks10 Thu 04-Apr-19 11:29:38

So very interesting to read this. I lived overseas in Botswana for over 30 years and still spend a lot of time there. When people socialise there is no ageism whatsoever. Young and old mix freely. From toddler to teen to ageing grandparents -everyone included. Same in South Africa. People of all ages generally mix well together. New Years Eve 2017 and 2018 saw me dancing my socks off with 16 - 18 year olds plus with all the young ones too. So sad when I come back to the UK to find no one does the same. Why?

Jaye53 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:12:19

It's up to you to say that you would have liked to have been included I'm afraid. And also state you want to go to any future meets too.

Jaye53 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:20:58

Anja that's a good idea

Bathsheba Thu 04-Apr-19 12:23:51

I feel for you, but I can see the other side so easily. When my mother was alive I used to travel with my children, a fair distance, to stay with her for a week or two, a couple of times a year. We would have a lovely time, go out together shopping, or just visiting places. We would visit the rest of the family and they would come to Mum's too.

But sometimes, my siblings and I just wanted to have a night out - or in with a takeaway - on our own. My mother recognised this and happily stayed in to look after my children.

So please don't be too upset by not being included - though I do think it wouldn't have hurt them to actually ask you if you minded staying in with the children. To simply assume you were nothing more than the resident babysitter was a little rude insensitive.

jaylucy Thu 04-Apr-19 12:42:09

I have that all the time! My son on more than one occasion has gone out for a meal with relatives, and several times has been invited to his cousin's house for a meal. I have only been included once when I had been very ill and they had moved into their first home together but never since.
My younger brother and sister often meet up at each other's houses, with their respective partners for a curry evening, when they will get a takeaway and take it home. I actually can't eat curry, so on previous occasions have had chinese - which is next door to the curry house. So I basically have got used to not being invited anywhere! I can understand my son going out (he lives with me) but it is sometimes hurtful when my SiL posts on FB that they have had a "wonderful evening" that I have not been invited to and have spent the evening watching TV! I have made comments of "thanks for the invite" - makes no difference! I was always available for babysitting when their kids were little, as well as dog sitting/housesitting. I'm obviously superfluous to requirements now!

SpringyChicken Thu 04-Apr-19 12:48:53

Sometimes, siblings want to be together without the parents, other times with the parents. It would be awful to think you couldn’t meet up unless mum and dad were included every time. Similarly, going out with friends, you wouldn’t want to go out together as a group each time, sometimes you go out with one or two.
Your son didn’t intend to hurt you. I’d say very little if it were me, making them feel guilty could encourage secrecy. When you are invited, you’ll know it’s because they want you there and not out of duty.