Friends after retirement and move?

My husband is in poor health and not outgoing, so I have made a social life for myself. My local U3A is a good one, but I haven't made particular friends through monthly activities. However, once I joined the weekly canasta group, it was a different story and the other three newbies and I have bonded firmly, cemented by extra card games in our homes. So, weekly activities then, not monthly ones.
It's also possible to make close new friends without going out at all by taking up a language - not necessarily a new one - on the internet. Start with fun, free sites like Duolingo and Busuu, and then find language exchange partners through sites like mylanguageexchange.com. As long as you are making some effort to learn the language you can get away with a lot of English as intelligent and educated people overseas are clamouring for English practice. I have made some great friends through these sites, people who care about me and even love me as a person. Soon, I am going to St Petersburg to stand in as a 'mother of the groom' for a young man with whom I have built a great mother/son relationship. And I have been able to visit a woman academic who gave me the most marvellous introduction to her country. So, just wade in. There are people who need you just as much as you need them.

We moved into a small market town where it seems everyone knows each other from school and I found it hard to make friends, I still veer towards my old friends but the best thing I did was join a singing group although I can’t sing for toffee! It doesn’t matter one jot, we have a laugh and ladies let you know about other things going on. I couldn’t get on with one WI so I’m going to try another one. OH is in the golf club a few miles away so he has his own social life.

That bit posted itself ! Saggi. I did lose my DH over 10 years ago and then had to make a new life for myself. Several people I know who have ‘stay at home husbands’ seem afraid to find some life for themselves outside the home.,as if they can’t do anything without their OH. Seems a sad waste of life and one day they may be left alone to make a new life somehow.

Saggi. Good for you

I'm in the same boat mouse. We moved to a rural village from London seven years ago. We love the village but getting to know people beyond "Hello" and "Good morning" is almost impossible. The local church only opens once a month and the village pub has closed (yet again), not that we are really drinkers anyway. We have a dog, but DH does all the dog-walking because I have health issues which make it difficult for me. He probably knows more local people than I do because of meeting them on dog walks. Our neighbours keep very much to themselves. Sometimes the only person I speak to for weeks is my husband. Both DH and I keep busy and are content with our own company, but it would be nice to have a friend I could share a coffee with occasionally. I also worry about DH if he was left on his own; would he seek the company of other people? Probably not. I hate to think of him being isolated and lonely. When we first moved here we joined some craft classes and clubs which we both enjoyed, but as my health deteriorated it became difficult for me to attend regularly so those events petered out. DH joined a woodworking group on his own but found it very cliquey. I'm not sorry that we moved here but our plans are not going quite the way we envisaged.

This reminds me of my parents. My dad was a quiet man who liked to potter in the garden after retirement. He still went to church but gradually stopped bowling and other hobbies. Meantime my mum was busy joining the Mothers Union, the WI, and volunteering to help out at any church activities. She liked to meet people, dad didn't. It worked for them.

Im in your age range and my wife dont enjoy my hobbies so I would encourage you to find a dance class not only will you get exercise but meet same nice people

This theme comes up time after time. I always read with interest as husband is somewhat anti social. I would like more friends as all my dear friends live miles away. Can’t see it happening as I have some health problems. Always feel low. It goes over his head. But if you can get out just do it. Even if it is just to the garden centre cafe and you just might start talking to someone and who knows......

I have always found it easy to make friends and have some long standing ones as well as more recent ones. I am a "joiner" i.e. choir art classes etc. since retiring from teaching at 72. My husband was much less interested, happy in his own company or with fairly fleeting/superficial friendships. So as well as enjoying each others company we often went our separate ways. Four years ago he died. I have been fortunate in having the support and company of the friendships I had nurtured for days out and holidays. So my advice to you is be independent in your friendships and enjoy your husbands company at other times, it seems obvious to me.

Not sure how you can persuade your husband to be sociable. You on the other hand want to get out and about and the only way is to force yourself to join things. I'm widowed and moved/downsized a year ago 500 miles away from my old life to be nearer family. I joined the local choir, the W.I., a weekly art group, volunteer in a hospice charity shop, and have involved myself with the local Church, and help at the local school. With a lady I met at the art group I'm setting up another group....so anything is possible! I have no real 'friends' yet but know lots of people. It'll take time, but go for it. Good luck!

Your best bet is your nearest National Trust property. You can both do jobs/activities that you enjoy, meet like minded people, pick and choose the days you want to work, go to social events. Give it a try, what have you got to lose. It's not stuffy and old fashioned these days. I enjoy chatting with visitors, taking them on tours, doing handicrafts with children, working in the garden. Lots. of choices. By the way you can claim travelling expenses.

I’ve not even moved and i suffer from a totally quiet stay at home husband ....we have not gone out together for 11 years since our daughters wedding. I don’t think he really wanted to go to that.! I decided I had to make my life without him....I refuse 15 hours tv viewing a day ( I kid you not). Acquaintances from our old estate , when they continually see me on my own...having lunch...coffee...shopping...they quite rightly presume he died years ago...I’m not sure he didn’t.... it’s a miserable existence he wants to live, I leave him too it! My life is reasonable full with grandkids and swimming and lunch couple times a month with friends. I’m also taking up tai chi, and thinking about U3A. Leave him to it and put yourself out there.

This a recurring topic here, men in older age who are content to do nothing much. If he’s happy that way then let him be and look to yourself to find new social activities. There is absolutely no reason why you have to do things together or force him to do things he doesn’t want to do.

Go out with a notepad and smart phone. Visit the library, museums, galleries, theatres, cinema. Look at noticeboards. Look at “what’s on” websites. Make a list of everything that is going on in your locality. The phone is useful for taking pictures of flyers. Think about what interests you and start joining in.

If this new town is where you plan to spend the rest of your lives, it will stand you in good stead if he predeceases you. That may sound morbid but it’s simply being practical. So many older couples move on retirement, then one dies and leaves the other lonely and isolated. Start taking steps now to ensure this doesn’t happen to you.

Be proactive. If you cannot find anything that suits your particular interests, start something that does. For all the people seeking to participate in social activities, entertainment and enrichment there are also people working very hard, often as volunteers, to provide those things. I know because I do two volunteer jobs in the performing arts and education sectors organising live music, courses and cultural outings.

May I ask? Why do you think you have to socialise in couples?

It`s not easy mouse, making a true friend, as though we are children who have been friends all through school. Life isn`t like that, people get wrapped up in their own world as they become adults, their own familes. Children leave home, there are divorces and bereavements and then suddenly we all value a real friend and we try to recreate what was a warts and all friendship but that is no longer real. We become reserved and more private as we age

Acquaintances are as much as many of us can hope for, people to spend a few hours with and personally I do that via my crafting and a common interest

Very interesting. Why did your husband want to be so far away from old contacts? Or have you moved to more beautiful spot? Or perhaps he was tired of sharing you? Or perhaps he really likes his own company. What tempted you to do it?
I absolutely agree with someone else here, get a dog. You get wonderful companionship from both dog and fellow dog lovers who are always the best sort. Dog owners at the very least always acknowledge each other. And don’t always walk the dog as couple.. spread yourself about. And the brilliant thing is that the light-hearted bonding with others can be fleeting or regular never tied down or too committed as being a volunteer can be. Let more committed arrangements come naturally. I’ve done it all and it’s the best. And dogs are always grateful and so happy for a walk. So cheery. So I do hope you and your husband like dogs.

Lily65 sorry you had a bad experience of volunteering but its not always like that. Lots of us on GN have very positive experiences.
I think Farnorth is right you need to start looking at opportunities for yourself mousepotato If you get involved your husband may join in later. Good luck.

Just an idea: Are you able to ask your newish neighbours and everyone else you have made your acquaintance with to an unformal new home drop in lunch/afternoon tea. I know someone who did this after living in a new town for a year and felt her & OH were becoming hermits. She kept it simple had a few cakes, biscuits & tea & coffee and was pleasantly surprised at the people who came. Some new acquaintances brought their previously unseen OH and before she knew it they had invites to all sorts of clubs, bbq’s and had lots of things and coincidences in common with them. Good luck with your H, sometimes they can be terrible stick in the muds as they get older.

About 11 years ago we moved to Ireland. I left a good job in the NHS, all my friends and a great social life to living in the middle of no where, couldnt find work and became very isolated. It really started getting me down. The thing that saved me was I started doing some voluntary work. It got me out of the house, meeting people and I learnt so much. I would really recommend it and you can do as little or as much as you like

Married 51 years but you seem surprised at the situation re your husband.

He’s a quiet man, happy n his own company. He wanted to move to the country. I don’t know the man but I could have told you it would play out like this!

Presumably you’ve always had to take the lead socially?

It is difficult to suggest things without knowing your personality and hobbies - but if so a course. Computing or art or similar. Then if you don’t make friends, at least doing something fulfilling

Try local community centre there are usually lots of activities finding like minded people can lead to friendship. I volunteered to join the committee in one group and was asked to join several other groups after that.

Oh bless you Teetime (love your name too now I understand the golf connection - clever!) I’m sure you are both lovely people! You perfectly illustrate how difficult it can be to break into new friendships even after asking people round. It’s possibly that some folk are just not good/confident at ‘hosting’ something.

Would suggesting a gathering in a local bar be a way forward? Just a get together which might garner support - get your diaries out before leaving and fix a date for the next meet up? I find that works well (usually).

Good luck!

Retirement is harder for the person whose identity and sense of purpose was strongly tied with their occupation. Usually, though we downsize to reduce of living costs and to be closer to our grandchildren.

On retirement my wife and I returned to the UK after living for 20 years in the USA. Our two daughters had already returned for university, marriage and parenthood. Our son and his American wife still live as if they’re single and settled in London.

On our return my wife immediately became a volunteer bell ringer and with volunteered to work with the NT for a day a week. I volunteered to work as a computer buddy at three of our local libraries.

Strangely, no new real friends yet (after ten years!) but luckily my wife discovered an old school friend living nearby.

We’ve both tried our local church but no connections there and we tried U3A twice but attending the huge monthly meetings became a chore and none of the groups really interested either of us.

But we’re happy.

Mousepotato if I were you I'd start by going to church by yourself as from there you're bound to meet up with like-minded people to form new relationships with then take it from there.

Join a local community choir. There are Rock Choirs all over Britain. There are no auditions and you choose yourself whether you are bass or soprano or somewhere in between. The songs are melodic and the people are very friendly. It’s fun. You can sing as much or as little as you want.

I think you need to forget about having the ‘couples get togethers’ just make your own social life. What about the WI
or joining some day or evening classes? You often meet people and then it develops into a social friendship.