Fallen out with a friend

She should have discussed all the arrangements with you before you booked your flights - presumably you trusted her judgement and her ability to be a good friend- you have now lost a lot of money on the back of her altered arrangements which suited her - she has given you no thought at all - all on her agenda - at least you are wiser now and next time ( unlikely with her!) you will check any details. It is very inconsiderate and the fact that she is now very angry just shows how little she values you and your friendship and how much she thinks of herself - not a nice person.

I travel quite a lot with girlfriends as my husband is a keen sailor and I am not. In this situation I would have taken it as you did. She booked the rental, she then made the invitation. If she had said to you “I am going to Rome on business and wondering whether to go the weekend before, would you be interested in coming for three nights and we’ll share the rent? “ then all would have been clear and you could have budgeted from there. She claims to have overlooked husband’s birthday, seems unlikely. The change of travel arrangements and meeting through Security - what are you supposed to do if she doesn’t make it to the airport in time.
Although I don’t think two friends need to spend every waking minute together, surely in a city like Rome the shopping, culture and people watching is fun with a companion at least part of the time. IMO there is something going on and probably involves a man.
Bet you would end up in the pokey bedroom holiday lets often have or on a sofa bed and be asked to hit the streets early each morning.
As for you paying for the dinners - that is outrageous.
Life is too short to deal with people like this.

She has let you down. Would you be splitting the costs of the meals anyway, I would also offer to pay for at least one of the meals to say thank you but this still can be costly.

I'm not sure that this so-called friendship is worth saving or even worrying about Aepgirl.

Some people are just users.

Normally, I would hope friends who've had a disagreement could sort things out and continue their friendship.

In this case, however, I think eglantine is well out of this supposed friendship.

Why couldn’t your friend have told you all this at the beginning? I do hope your friendship will survive this, but I think you must stand firm and say that you are unhappy about travelling alone. Why does she not want to spend more time with you in Rome? The cynic in me thinks she just wanted to minimise her own costs.

Eglantine 21. You were invited to go for the weekend, stay with friend overnight and travel from her house the next day. Now she’s the one who has changed the plan for reasons of her own! This has involved you in considerable extra expense which you weren’t expecting and can’t afford. I’m sure you were expecting to pay your share of food etc over the weekend. She booked the accommodation and then asked you! You shouldn’t feel guilty at all because really it’s the extra travel costs and time alone that are the sticking points. Shame you’ve lost money and what should have been a good weekend. Unable to see your point of view at all Notanan2!

Vickya had the very best suggestion, Eglantine. 'Phone your friend's husband on his 'birthday' to wish him 'Many Happy Returns'. Brilliant! I would also say that you're pleased that your friend is sharing his birthday with him, instead of going to Rome that day - then ask for a quick word with her. (If she's lying to him, that'll sort her out for sure!)

Am I being spiteful? You betcha!

I'm sure that you're much too nice to do this - which is a shame, as I'd love to hear the result of such a 'phone call ...?

I haven't read all eight pages of this thread so apologies if I'm just repeating what others have said.

I think it is she who has let you down.

You were no doubt looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend looking around Rome with your friend. It was your friend's decision to stay on after her work assignment and pay for accommodation.

Now you are expected to make your own arrangements to get to the airport and this will mean you spending more money on an overnight hotel. Then she tells you that you will go your own ways during the daytime, meeting up only in the evening, when you are expected to pay for the evening meal. She should have mentioned these issues before. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded paying for one meal and perhaps foot the bill for a few drinks during the stay but to be issued with a directive that you should pay for all the meals is, I think, very rude.

If I went abroad with a friend for just three days I would expect to spend companionable time with her looking round the city. Otherwise, what would be the point of my presence? Perhaps if the trip was for longer, some time doing your own thing would probably be nice but not three days. If she doesn't want your company then it almost looks like she's invited you so she doesn't have to pay for any meals during the weekend - presumably her week's dining will be covered by her company (and possibly even the weekend accommodation).

Alternatively, although I am not usually suspicious, like gillybob, it also sprang to my mind that she might be using you as "cover" for her staying in Rome over the weekend after her work assignment has finished.

I think her behaviour is totally out of order and if it were me I am not sure I would want to stay friends with someone who blames me for pulling out of an arrangement that she set up herself and which she then made significant changes to.

You have totally ignored the other aspects which do put the "friend" in the wrong. 1) changing the arrangements to go the airport

Moorlikeit You have totally ignored that I posted several times about that. Selective comprehension moorlikeit ? Or did you just bang out a rant without reading the whole thread?

There are several things going on IMO

1. IMO the friend is using the friday thing to push the OP into cancelling, rather than being honest with OP and saying "I dont want you to come any more".

2. Expectations re expenses werent properly discussed in advance by either the OP or the friend. OP said she will handle this differently in the future. Lesson learnt but I suspect it wouldnt have improved the outcome anyway in this particular case.

I disagree notanan2 if the friends company is not paying for the extra days accomadation and she wanted Eglantine to pay for half of the extra days she should have said so before she booked it but she didn't she booked the extra days and then invited Eglantine to stay with her. It sounds very cheeky to expect Eglantine to pay for all the meals for both of them for the whole weekend. I wouldn't treat a friend that way.

Your 'friend' has been very cheeky, eglantine as it is she who has compromised the friendship, not you. Trying to make you feel guilty is the icing on the cake. It looks like goodbye to this friendship but it is not your fault. With friends like that who needs enemies, as they say.

I think that you were definitely 'the cover' and she's so angry because you've spoilt her plans. The 'sudden' wanting to spend husband's birthday with him also fits in with this theory.

I agree with gillybob. I suspect there's more to this than meets the eye and you would have been the cover. It's so strange that she should want to do her own thing in the day. Surely friends would go round together and as for telling you to use some of your house money, well, what a bloody cheek!. Things aren't going her way and she's taking it out on you. Get rid of her and don't give her a second thought and no apology.

How stupid does she think you are? It sounded great to start with but after all these changes, it's obvious she only wants you there to help with the cost of food. And she doesn't even want to spend the daytimes with you. Tell her to do one. She's no friend.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would have been quite happy to pay more than half of the meals under the original plan, as irrespective of who was providing the accommodation, it wasn’t me.

I wouldn’t however, want to have a night in an hotel on my own before the flight, nor would I want to spend 2/3 days in Rome by myself. Essentially, she is asking you to dinner, which you will pay for.

I don’t know why she has changed the itinerary, but a weekend together is not what is now being proposed.

Good for you Eglantine.

Now upwards and onwards !

Thank you everyone. It’s given me a lot of reassurance that I did make the right decision or at least that the only decision I could have made wasn’t an unreasonable one.

I can’t see a way back from this really, which is a shame., but thankfully I do have other people in my life and it just means I will spend more time with them ?

Wow l would of cancelled too.

It doesn't matter the reason. If you now can't afford the trip, that's the end of the story and it's not up to your friend or anyone else to question that. If you said I've changed my mind and don't want to go she could be annoyed but you don't have the money. Another question, did she somehow alter her travel arrangements when she thought you were coming? If not, what has she lost besides someone to pay for her meals? Sorry, she's totally wrong and I wonder if notanan2 is her, under a pseudonym, because I can't honestly imagine how anyone could think otherwise. Sorry, this one has me riled up!

notanan2

You are concentrating on one aspect: the cost allocation of the accommodation and meals.
You have totally ignored the other aspects which do put the "friend" in the wrong. 1) changing the arrangements to go the airport (meaning OP has to pay out a lot more money) and 2) suddenly deciding not to share any of the daytime with the OP. Not everyone would wish to see Rome alone! Especially if accompanying a friend. I would be shocked at that alone.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, and perhaps being clearer about all the expenses involved, and who would be paying for what, at the start, before flights, etc, were booked would have been wise.
However, from all that you have posted, Eglantine, it reads as if your 'friend' was being quite manipulative, and using you as a convenience. For you to have the impression that you would spend the three days together seeing the sights and eating together at night, for it to be changed by your friend to just you spending the evenings together with you paying for the meals, smacks of manipulation on her part. As others say, I wonder just what she planned to do during the day, whilst I assume her husband thought she would be with you?
You did the right thing by backing out, as the whole agenda had completely changed.

I will add that these issues nearly always do come down to money. I'd suggest that she asked you, genuinely, as a friend ( thinking impulsively that it would be fun) She then began to realise that the money would be quite a lot.... began to think she was being "over generous" ( !!!!!) Maybe husband made fuss, (when she finally told him the whole plan) so she started to try to back track. They ( or he) decided that the whole thing would cost much more than she initially thought, so decided you should pay too!! Quite likely the husband is behind the whole of the "backtracking"... told her she could use his birthday as a reason to backtrack? I doubt whether she had a liason in Rome...wouldn't have asked you if she was planning that. Now she is furious ( possibly with husband too) ; serves her right.

Notanan2 the accommodation was being covered by friend’s expenses provided by the company she works for. So not at her personal expense at all.

Eglantine21 you should be jumping for joy now the initial shock of what she has done has worn off. From now on she no longer deserves to be your friend, if that is her idea of friendship and what friends to do each other you are better out of it. Smile and say to yourself - a lesson learned, then move on to real friendships.