Fallen out with a friend

She is the one who changed the arrangements, not you. Surely she must have remembered her husband’s birthday before making the arrangements with you. A lot of money to lose.

I think she changed the ground rules. She must have realised it was her dh's birthday.

Tell her to do one. Cheeky mare changed not one detail but every detail and none in your favour. Who needs friends like her.

Eglantine if anyone has compromised a friendship it’s her as far as I can see and from what you’ve said. She’s completely changed the holiday and she’s wanting it all on her terms. She probably isn’t even paying for accommodation as it will be claimed on expenses and considering you’ll be spending so little time together it seems she’s using you as a meal ticket. It’s a shame that it’s affected your relationship but perhaps it’s shown just how she values your friendship.

For what it's worth, I think you are in the right.

She is getting the accommodation paid for by her company, she is NOT "providing" it!

Her whole original proposal seems to have changed!

Tell her, "thanks, but no thanks".

I felt that I was being used to defray some of the cost of her extra days but wondered if I was being sniffy....

You have not let her down IMO.
She forgot her husbands birthday ? She sounds like a user who has a tantrum if things aren’t arranged to suit her.
It is she who has compromised your ‘friendship’
Think about it, ask yourself what would you have done if the boot was on the other foot, I think you would have been very understanding & that is how she should have behaved towards you. You can do without a self centred person such as this in your life.
She is Not more important than you. Best wishes.

She is not behaving like a friend.
As phoenix says, "thankbut no thanks:

She calls/or called herself your friend, yet acted like this. She has a very odd view of what friendship entails.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You based your decision to go on what your friend said. Now she has changed the goalposts and you find it too expensive.

Well that's perfectly reasonable to say to her it's not possible for you to afford now that changes have been made.

You have explained your reasons, and they should be accepted unconditionally.

Apart from the friday, she didnt change the goal posts if you never discussed how expenses would be split throughout the weekend.

To me a "relaxed" break is people doing their own thing during the day and coming together for meals in the evening. Although Rome whilst lovely is not "relaxed".

I think that you assumed she would "host" you whilst she hoped to share the expenses sat-mon morning. You were both unreasonable to not discuss this in advance but you were particularly unreasonable to assume a mostly free ride after flights.

She was unreasonable about the friday. I suspect the birthday is just sn excuse, she is probably annoyed at you for not expecting to contribute.

I would kind of automatically assume that if a friend was paying for the accomodation that meals would be on me & think most people would.

I don't think it is you who has let anyone down, I think it is your friend who has done that.

You agreed to go based on what she told you was going to happen. She has changed the plans and let you down.

Eglantine21 I would`ve done the same as you x

Even if a friend wasnt paying for holiday accomodation and the break was at their home or holiday home I would automatically expect to pay for the meals out. Or bring a shop if it was in the UK.

I think the fri thing is petty but probably a reaction to finding out that you didnt expect to contribute.

If you couldnt afford to contribute you shouldnt have agreed to go at all its not fair on your friend

She changed the arrangements to fit in with herself, without discussing with you. The fact that changed the whole emphasis of the holiday is completely down to her. It doesn't seem unreasonable that you have had to cancel. If you have lost a friendship then so be it, but it perhaps she will come around when she has had time to reflect. If not then you will just have to let it go.

I got as far as the beginning of the second paragraph. No friend, poor boundaries, forget it.

The having to drive to the airport hotel , rather than the spending on meals would have been the breaking point for me , and if you can't go rather than don't want to go , I wonder why she is so cross

I agree with what others have said Eglantine she is the one who has changed the goal posts and she is the one who is jeopardising your friendship ! Selfish cow.

My suspicious mind wonders if you would have been used as some kind of decoy or alibi for what she might be really getting up to in Rome (besides work that is)

I don’t think Eglantine did say that she didn’t expect to contribute though notanan I just don’t think she expected to foot the bill for all the meals out during her 3 day trip. There is a big difference between going halves, sharing the bill etc. which is fair enough, to being expected to pay for all the meals .

I’m livid on your behalf, Eglantine. It seems like she was using you and didn’t give much thought for your feelings.
That’s not a friend, in my opinion.

I’ve certainly learned to go into details when(if) I get an invitation. I wasn’t expecting a free ride. I suppose I was thinking we’d each pay our own way.

It hadn’t occurred to me that she was expecting me to offer to pick up the meal tab. She perhaps thinks I’m as well of as her whereas I thought she knew I lived on a budget.

Oh dear.

Oh Gillybob, never thought of me being cover, though it’s not impossible........

notanan2 couldn't agree less !

Its not halves gillybob if OP is splitting the food bills and not compensating for the friend paying 100% of the accomodation.