Fallen out with a friend

I was in a similar situation recently. A good friend said she wanted to take me on a short holiday to repay me for many kindnesses from me when she had been having a difficult time. She had recently come into a substantial amount of money. We didn’t discuss finances in detail. At the planning stage I turned down various suggestions because of the cost of flights (I didn’t want her spending a small fortune) and suggested a staycation. I booked the rail tickets (assuming she’d pay me back) and she booked the accommodation. When we got there I said let’s go 50/50 all the way on meals etc. And she said, ‘yes, great. And since you paid for the rail tickets, I’ll pay for the extra cost of the flat’. Which was about £80. I was a bit stunned, but I thought - we should have been more specific about what she meant by treating me to a holiday and I’m REALLY glad we didn’t go for the £350 each plane journey (I’m on a bit of a budget myself!).

We had a great couple of days. I had a smile to myself, once I’d got over the shock, and my friend is very happy and thinks she has been very generous. It would have been different if we’d been abroad and it had cost me £500. I would have had to tell her I couldn’t afford it, and she would have paid, but it would have strained our friendship.

Lesson learned? Always sort the details in advance.

I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions for OP for mending the friendship other than - maybe send a card saying sorry we got our wires crossed and leave it at that.

I wonder whether her husband now knows you are not meeting her and going with her? If you were the cover story she might have intended the falling out so she can meet the person she does want to spend time with. I am having a nasty thought. Ring and wish him happy birthday on the day and say how sorry you are that you had to cancel, because of the cost of the hotel etc.

Eglantine do you not have travel insurance which would over the cost of the lost airfare? - I think you'll find that travel insurance will cover for cancellation due to illness, jury service, etc but I've never seen "my friend moved the goalposts" as a justification for a claim!

Sad situation - it sounds like a mis-match of expectations. I hope you'll be able to salvage the friendship if that's what you want to do, Eglantine.

Eglantine, what is she going to be doing in Rome during the day at the weekend? Why does she not want to spend the days with you and expects to meet up for dinner which you will pay for. The whole thing looks dodgy. I think you are right to opt out. It has cost you money but better than throwing good money after bad.

Find new friends!

Eglantine- I agree with you and think the so called friend has behaved in a terribly selfish manner. She’s not worth having as a friend. You are greatly out of pocket down to her cancellation of original plans. Good riddance to her I say. I found myself in a similar position last year regarding someone I classed as a good friend, even though it hurts on reflection to feel used, my family say I’m better off not having people like that in my life. Good luck to you and I hope you can put it down to experience and not get duped again.

I don’t think she has any reason to complain as it was her who decided to change the arrangements. No, I certainly don’t think you’re being unreasonable, she has given no thought for you whatsoever.

It sounded to me like the OP's friend was angling to spend as little time with the OP as possible - restricting it to evening meals only. Heck, get Deliveroo to bring you a pasta on Friday and a pizza on Saturday and you've had just as good as you'd have had going on this trip. Let her have her hissy, say "sorry" even if you know you have no reason to apologise, and I am sure it will blow over.

The friend is not paying 100% of the accommodation, she is going on business and will put it on expense.

I tend to agree with Notanan2. I personally wouldn't expect to go away and assume I don't pay for anything.

I would have asked up front when I was invited, what sort of contribution would she like, then you can discuss it and decide whether you still want to go.

She does sound a bit fickle but if you've known her a long time, could you have expected that? Problem on both sides - misunderstanding on yours, and not being up front on hers.

It was her idea to go it was her idea to change arrangements.
I would not have agreed to go in the first place.
I had a very good ‘friend’ she is gay and we met when we worked together in the NHS. We used to go out to meals and the theatre on a regular bases. Out of the blue she arranged for just me and her to have a two weeks away in Spain in July. I told her I could not go because I look after grandchildren in the school holidays, she suggested my husband could look after them. I told her I would not be going. That was two months ago and I have not heard from her since. So be it if that’s how she wants it be.

Sorry for the loss of your dishonest 'control freak'.

As all bar one have said, give her the elbow and move on. You do not need friends like her. No consideration for you whatsoever and expects you to fit in with her plans. Whether she's having an affair or not it's still out of order to make an arrangement, change it a lot, then get angry because you won't do as you're told.

Ditch.

Whenever I've arranged a getaway with a friend, I send ALL the details of expenses as far as possible and suggestions as to who will pay for what for consideration. If I ever had to change an arrangement in such a way , I would bear the extra cost.

She sounds like a manipulative user. Give her what for then show her the door.

You are completely in the right. If your "friend" thinks this is an acceptable way to behave, she is not worth having as a friend. Does her husband usually have his birthday on a different day of the year? Sheesh.

A real friend wouldn't change the goalposts to suit themselves then expect you to fall in line with the plans without consultation. Maybe her husband made a lot of noise about her missing his birthday so she was forced to change the plans but that's not your fault or problem. Forget it and move on. One less Christmas card to buy this year!Win, win I'd say.

She sounds exactly like an ex friend of mine , her priority was her love life and “ friends “ fitted in around it . After one lie too many most “ friends “ decided not to bother with her .

I reckon someone she had intended to 'meet' at the conference suddenly found they could be around during the weekend as well and she started backtracking on her arrangement with you. As a friend she must have known you don't drive at night any longer so that alone was a non starter. Sorry its horrible to lose someone you thought was a good friend. It will be interesting to know if afterwards she tries to pick up with you again.

Two things spring to mind.
Firstly, I thought the original idea was to "have a great time" yet the 'friend' doesn't want to spend any time together except at evening mealtimes (when she is to be treated to dinner).
The other is why does the evening with her birthday boy preclude staying overnight before the early morning flight?
Surely it wouldn't be a late one since there will be a really early start. And I'm sure Eg would have been sensitive enough to made herself scarce, retiring to her room to give them space.

NO just NO the deal was she was on a business trip and rented an apartment(The apartment would be paid for on expenses) so if she had to pay for the three nights she could not claim expenses then she should have said, we will share the costs ie rent and food. Then to say have free time in Rome on your own! Where is the fun in that? on your own in a strange city? you certainly couldn't enjoy fun and laughter together. As far as her husband is concerned, how long as she been married to forget it was his birthday? I rather suspect it is as Gillybob as mentioned probably more than a business trip.
Elantine2 how long as she been taking advantage of you? I think you have had a lucky escape.

Anyone who has had a business is well aware of 'expenses' and that business trip would have cost her very little with the added bonus of a friend picking up the bill for expensive meals. Rome isn't cheap.

Onwards and Upwards

One word springs to mind...narcissist. People with this personality type are completely selfish and never do anything unless there is something in it for them. As others have commented, it seems clear that your friend was looking for a way to extend her stay at no cost to herself, and completely changed the agenda without any consideration for the impact on you, both financially and in practical terms. What was put to you as a mini break with her, turned into a go it alone trip with her only accompanying you for the evening meal, paid for by you! There is no winning with this type of person. They will always see things only from their own selfish perspective, and their friendship only comes on their own terms. Typing in “female narcissist “ into Google brings up lots of interesting information which will ring bells with you if this is her typical behaviour. I think you should consider whether you really want to continue with this friendship.

I think forts of all, your friend should have been clear who is paying for the accommodation - her work may be paying for her stay, but only for the days she will be working, so she may well be paying for the Friday to Monday stay.
I think that the assumption when someone invites you to stay with them is that you both will be spending time together - sightseeing, shopping etc - I thought the same thing when I was invited to stay with a family member in Cornwall when they lived there, but it turned out completely differently - we didn't even go out for a meal together!
It's a shame that your friend seemed to think it was ok to leave you wandering around a strange city on your own - something she may well be used to doing with her work, but you may not be.
You have explained why you are unable to go and she should understand that. What I don't understand is, if she obviously expected only to see you in the evenings, why is she so upset ? Ball is in her court.

She has got to be the biggest pi** taker ever. Bye bye to her. Hope she goes to Rome and stays there
Plenty more fish, so were told. I wouldn’t want her as my friend.

Sorry......
“Cheap chill out break” does not need to be itemised x

'a cheap chill out break' sounds like she sold it to you - not much chill out and in any case, if she has hired an apartment one could assume that meals could be made at the flat - bit of cheese, bread and wine and the odd stir fry would cover it. What it now appears is that she would have been a bit bored at the weekend, needed some company,and now you are stung with a potentially huge bill. No, you have not been unreasonable - your friend has exploited you and now you have spoiled her plans by saying no. She will get over it and you have saved yourself a packet. She would have claimed on business expenses so she is hardly out of pocket herself. you don't need friends like this x

Sorry for the loss of the friend .
Even if she wasn't who you thought she was
On holiday I have a girlfriend who has a time share. Often if she is going and not all her family is she invites me. I just pay for my air fare.
Admittedly I do pay bits and pieces but she wouldn't be fussed if I didn't
Another friend whom I travel with. All accommodation spilt down the middle and food we do our own thing
She didn't spell it out. She is in the wrong. (Actual really really odd and quite defensive her attitude)