Fallen out with a friend

tell her it was her that changed the arrangements. had you known in advance that it was her husbands birthday you wouldnt have booked.she is the one who is working,she should be paying her way ,her saying no money till monday ,what a load of hogwash.tell her enjoy the holiday as you wont be going.and tell her go get knotted. some friend ...

Real friends wouldn't do that notanan- would they?

I know my friends would tell me outright, from the start, about any spending plans. The friend ASSUMED Eglantine would be footing the food bill.. It was never a given. And she also made Eglantine's travel plans expensive and difficult - after agreeing they'd travel together from the start.

If a friend wanted to be a nasty piece of work she'd treat a pal like that - and change the arrangements too. If I had crossed wires with friends, mine wouldn't act so nastily in putting me right.

They'd chat about food and expenses, and certainly not ditch me and expect me to make new travel plans when it had been agreed we'd travel to the airport, for an early flight, from their house.

To make life awkward for a friend because they'd not discussed eating arrangements and expenses is a poor show, a nasty, spiteful move. You might understand it notanan but my friends would never spite me, nor me them, because of unspoken expectations.

I'm so glad you did the right and sensible thing which was to phone and say you couldn't afford to go.

You have not let her down at all and your feelings of having been manipulated are spot on. Trust this feeling and well done for recognising it. The problem with manipulators is that part of the process is to leave the other person doubting their reality.

There is nothing wrong at all in stopping a friendship which we have outgrown which you have this one.

You are the one in the right here for sure Eglantine21

It all seems a bit odd from your friend's side Eglantine The comment about your house sale was really out of order. I do think you should both have clarified things regarding expenses on the trip though.
The issue around her husband's birthday also seems strange, she must have realised the date. I think you should give this some time to calm down then talk to her to see what really went wrong. I think the reasons given are smoke and mirrors.

I wonder what happened behind the scenes she is not telling you about?

Well this is just the way a lot of people behave these days.

They say they are "avoiding conflict" when actually they are creating it in a less direct less upfront way.

I suspect that the OP will never find out what made the friend want to pull back.

People who just make it logistically difficult to stay friends will never tell you why, they will say "well you were the one who decided not to come" and you will never ever find out what annoyed them in the first place.

No point even trying to hash things out with those kinds of people

Your friend is in the wrong.

She has backtracked.

I wonder what happened behind the scenes she is not telling you about?

It must have been such a shock for you and I hope you recover as fast as possible.

Find something else to do to take your mind off this non trip. You have done noting wrong but don't make the mistake of continuing with this 'friendship'. It isn't a friendship and you have not lost a friend.

When someone leaves your life for whatever reason another person will turn up for you.

I would make a bet with you on that! It just makes a space for someone else to enter.

Mark my words and don't give this person another thought. Wish them health and happiness every time you think of her and how mad and upset you feel then get on with something useful even if its just cleaning the windows or buying some vege to make an interesting new dish.

What IS really strange is that she wants to do her own thing when in Rome.

Not if she has got the impression that the OP sees her as a walking wallet.

I think the most likely explaination is that she wants the OP to drop out and not come at all, which doesnt fit with the cover idea.

However she should just be upfront and say so but some people dont want to be the one to call things off so make things awkward to force the other person to call it off

What IS really strange is that she wants to do her own thing when in Rome.

(She should do as the Romans do, when in Rome, but that's just an aside....)

A weekend trip to Rome with a friend is not about doing your own thing, lunching alone and seeing sights on your own, is it?

She is seeing a colleague out there and using you for cover. She has also decided buttering up husband before she goes is a good idea.

(OK, so I have a suspicious mind.)

I would kind of automatically assume that if a friend was paying for the accomodation that meals would be on me & think most people would

I wouldn't.
The extra weekend without work is also a treat for the friend who wanted Eglantine's company. Dare I say it was a good, girly idea? Right from the start, if the deal had been "I book the hotel for a few days extra, and you pay for all the meals and food" that should have been mooted there and then and agreed.

I am sure Eglantine would have treated her to meals out etc, but if that was the plan, it should have been discussed, not assumed.

Not only that, the friend has changed the travel plans and made it extremely difficult and expensive for Eglantine to get to the airport. 'Doing their own thing' hen in Rome wasn't discussed either. That is an altogether different sort of weekend!

I wouldn't want to be a single woman in Rome tbh. It has wonderful sights to see, (which are nicer enjoyed and enthused about with companions) but it's very crowded and busy. All tour guides tend to tell you to beware of criminal gangs and pickpockets as well as people who will distract you whilst thieves take luggage and bags. I am not a scaredy-cat but sadly Rome, like all big cities, is full of those who might take advantage. I wouldn't wander anywhere near the station at night for all the tea in China.
Why go to Rome to find your own way about?

What a strange change of plan. I'd be angry and saddened that my friend had left me up in the air like this and turned what was going to be a weekend enjoyed together into something entirely different!

I'd be very cross and hurt Eglantine. Your friend has put you in a very difficult situation. You do not owe her an apology. I hope she appreciates in time that SHE has let you down.

Are you sure you are in business and can claim expenses?

Why? Because I'm the only one on the thread who actually has to account for what I claim?

And no I am not in "business". Thats not the only field that has work trips

The tax man doesn't foot the bill

A previous poster did suggest that the friend might be self employed and is claiming the whole trip against tax.

Eglantine - don't stress. It is such a pity you have lost the money on your flights but you do not need this! Don't try to talk to her about it, and what BradfordLass said about inviting you to her DH's birthday meal is spot on too.

It would be reasonable to expect to share the cost of the food and perhaps for you to buy wine as well, but she is the one who has moved the goalposts.
As for her remark about the money from your house - that would have left me speechless!

Do not fret over her.

The tax man doesn't foot the bill

Are you sure you are in business and can claim expenses?

Oh poor you! She really doesn’t sound very nice at all!

notanan2 are you sure you aren’t the friend?! grin you seem to be the only one who thinks the OP is unreasonable . I thing friend is “. ‘Avin’ a laugh!”

since most posters here assume that the friends employer is paying for them to tag on a weekend break before work starts, I wish it was me! ?.

(Or that the tax man is happy to foot the bill, no questions asked!).

Its not me though. I have the money chat at the start of any trips planned with friends, as Im sure the OP will do from now on

I have paid regard to notanan because I could see that my friend might have been thinking the way notanan does. In which case the withdrawal of the stayover was a kind of payback to me.

I suppose I thought she was being kind and offering me a cheap break because I’m a bit in dire straits financially with having to rent and wouldn’t be going away otherwise.

I’ve just tried to speak to her but she is very angry with me. She actually said that I had lots of money from the sale of my house and should use some of that. I do need the money to buy another house though. It’s not for spending. In fact the cost of the move and the fact that three purchases have fallen through is why Im so strapped.

Oh damn,damn.

BradfordLass
That is spot on!

I am firmly on your side Eglantine and wonder if this friend has been duplicitous in the past?

Taken as you stated it, your friend had arranged transport for you both to the airport with her husband.

I can see no reason why, if you are such close friends as to be invited on holiday, you could not also have been included in the birthday celebration and thus keep the transport to airport arrangement as they were.

The fact that she then expected you to drive through the night (did she know about your poor night vision?) and go to the extra expense of accommodation etc is appalling.

I don't believe for a moment she had forgotten the birthday. Nor do I think these are the actions of a friend.

Rather than getting angry, did she offer to pay the unexpected expense from the loss of your ticket?

You see, if she were being honest with you, she would NOT have been angry but apologetic and saying how sorry she was that her change of plan had inconvenience you and cost you money.

Sadly she knows you well enough to think she can use you and then, when it doesn't work, has the gall to try and blame you for HER faults. No friend at all.

I'm so sorry you have been denied a happy break as well as losing your money but you are not in any way to blame, so PLEASE top feeling guilty or you are playing into the hands of a very selfish person.

I wouldn’t bother to try and make up, you’re better off out of it

notanan2 are you sure you aren’t the friend?! you seem to be the only one who thinks the OP is unreasonable . I thing friend is “. ‘Avin’ a laugh!”

The friend was going on the Friday anyway wasn’t she? So she would have paid three days’ accommodation in any case. Im sure you would have paid for your own meals when you were there but it was a bit of a blow to be let down about the overnight stay at the “friend’s” house and then tombe to,d you were funding all the meals. I wouldn’t want that friendship to continue if it were me. It’s a real shame about the flights though. Sorry Eglantine, you have every right to be annoyed.

Precisely what Lily65 posted.

Cultural difference are a red herring. She has messed you about.

Precisely

Precisely what?