Fallen out with a friend

I would have acted exactly the same as you EglantineI need to know what I m doing and not at all good if goal posts keep getting changed Once she changed the Friday night I think I would have wanted to say no thanks and I really truly think she has had a better offer because to change from ‘ having fun together’ to just meeting up at the evening meal is not on, it might not be a man but perhaps she’s learned some work mates are going early too and you have become superfluous
You are not in the wrong at all, try and put it behind you and hopefully concentrate on friends who would care about you
She’s not your friend
You are not in the wrong
Shame about the airfare I hope it wasn’t too much

I expect your friend has realised just how expensive meals and wine will be in Rome.
So sorry it hasn't turned out well.

Some friend she is\!?!? she moved the goal posts so it is all down to her, don't stress too much, it isn't as though you DON'T want to go, you can't afford to.

It's great pity you and your friend have had this misunderstanding. It's not an occasion for apologies but if she is a reasonable person she would welcome a calm mutual explanation. I have not worded this very well but maybe you could do it the way you and your friend usually talk to each other.

Oh my goodness I cannot believe what gransgash has just said! HOW could anybody think the OP is being unreasonable?

Eglantine...I would cancel and not give it another thought! Who needs friends like this? Who needs comments like this either?

Your friend is being totally unreasonable as far as I can see. Changing goal posts, expecting you to travel alone, spend time on your own and then pay for the privilege of her company in the evenings? Nah...I don't think so! Ditch her pdq

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It wasn't a holiday that you had planned together. She had already booked the accommodation from Friday to Friday without knowing whether or not you'd be able to go with her. She then offered for you to go for the first few days, before she started working. I certainly wouldn't have expected to pay the accommodation, as she'd already decided to book that anyway, and I certainly wouldn't have expected her to ask me to pay for it, as it was her decision! Whilst I would've been more than happy to offer to pay for one nice meal as a thank you for being invited, I certainly wouldn't have expected to pay for all of your evening meals out ... Rome isn't exactly cheap, and could easily have run up a massive bill! I think it was a downright cheek for her to even suggest it! And the issue of you having to make your own way to the airport, and have the added expense of a hotel, after she had explicitly offered for you to stay with her overnight and get taken to the airport by her husband is, quite frankly, way out of order! I'd definitely drop her an email and tell her that it's a shame your friendship has suffered due to this, but I'd have to point out all of the above details and let her know, without any uncertainty, how upset you are about the way she has treated you, and tell her you feel like she has used you, probably just because she was at a loose end for a few days. She OFFERED for you to go with her, it wasn't something you'd planned together, and she never suggested that you'd have to pay for her accommodation which she had already booked, when she asked you to go. Be open with her, and if she can't see her failings, then let it be. Friends like that are not worth having.

This is easy. Your friend is totally out of order, in fact, she has a bloody cheek in treating you in this way. You simply say that you are unable to attend the weekend as something has cropped up and bury this one in the water so that you can carry on doing your thing with no more anxiety about friend-loyalty. If she pushes for more info tell her straight that the arrangements have changed so much you can not meet with the logistics. Frankly, I think she is awful to do that to you.

She asked you for the weekend when she is not working so that suggests that you were to spend the time together. Otherwise, if you were to do your own thing during the day you could be there with her when she is working. It all sounds very strange.
Even if she is paying for the extra days accommodation, she had already decided to do that, so I would expect her to cover that. ( I don’t discount that the firm might be paying for the full week as she could argue a full week s/c would be cheaper than the 5/6/nights in a hotel. )
I would expect to share the cost of most meals, perhaps paying for one as a thank you.
The last minute remembering about her DH’s husband is also strange.
Eglantine, you have nothing to reproach yourself about. If she is still angry so be it. You might find it hurtful, but it will also have revealed what sort of ‘friend’ she is.

Don't let her get off scot free blaming you! Why not email or write to her explaining your side? She won't want to take on board her fault, but say how angry you are with HER b/c you have lost your flight money b/c SHE altered the arrangements and that you never want anything to do with her again!!

I expect it's a question of how much one can deal with and how important the friendship is... none of us are perfect we all upset friends and family, unintentionally sometimes, through thoughtlessness etc If the treatment from said friend is causing unhappiness rather than mere irritation it is probably best to say good bye.

Oh dear you poor thing it's horrible falling out with a friend. You couldn't afford the extra cash, she changed the plans , you've been honest about it and she should be more understanding. Mind you rattling around in Rome all day on your own doesn't sound a lot of fun. I fell out in somewhat similar circumstances to a friend I'd known for thirty years . We sort of made up but ended up having an argument about her dubious politics . We've not spoken since. It's a pity and though we have known each other a long time I wouldn't say we were close . Do you still want to be friends with this person ? Has it left a hole in your life ? Is she worth the hassle ? If no, then don't "sweat it" get on with your life and your other friends.

You’re probably right notanan

I think your friend is being unreasonable here. I wouldn't want a 'friend' who treated me that shabbily.

Yeah but likewise, if you are friends, having a chat re "what do you want to do about petrol/food etc" shouldnt be a problem and it is always better to ask than to assume.

Notanan
You’re right about that, it IS different being on holiday with someone, I accept you may get some surprises, but if you value your friendship, you both compromise, Eglantines ‘friend’ seems to expect her to make all the compromises

But that’s the point notanan, you know what your friends like to eat, and where they like to stay, you don’t know them very well, if you have to ask these things

Being on holiday with someone is a different dynamic to being friends at home. You dont know everything about a friend until you have been in that situation with them.

At some point, it will be your FIRST trip with that person, and you dont know until you know IYKWIM.

Obviously different for people you have been away with previously

Eglantine21, don’t beat yourself up. The goal posts got moved through no fault of yours. As the birthday and evening was Thursday surely she could just have asked you to arrive later in the evening. She still had to get to the airport on the Friday! As for freeloading you don’t sound to be that sort of person at all. Let her go and look forward to the summer doing things you enjoy.

The friend changing the plans to suit her has added expense onto OP, no longer staying at the friends house but having to go down earlier and pay for a hotel. Not only that I'm wondering why OP's friend has suggested they do 'their own thing' surely if a friend asks you to go away with them, it's to spend some time together, shopping, sightseeing etc am wondering if OP is being used as a cover for something else, most odd

Of course I wouldn’t say anything to her husband, even if I knew anything. What’s happened is between me and her.

I meant Thursday was her husband’s birthday, the day before we flew. A mistype on my part, I’m sorry.

I’m grateful for everyone’s support. It has made me feel better, although it didn’t prevent another sleepless night wondering how it could all have gone so wrong!

It’s either some kind of complicated plot which I am never going to get or it’s just that she sees things in a similar way to notanan. ie that she was expecting somekind of reciprocal offer when she offered the accommodation and I failed to come up with it. Which pissed her off.

I, on the other hand, when I make an invitation see myself as the host and don’t expect the guest to supply anything if I’ve asked them. Except when they choose to eat out I would probably assume they would pay for themselves, but not for me.

When she said a cheap chill out, I thought she was being kind because she already had the accommodation and I guess I thought we would eat as cheaply as possible as well, a pizza or something. I would probably have just paid for that without thinking. I thought she realised I was struggling a bit financially. But her remark about using the money from my house sale shows she thinks I do have lots of spare money and she probably was thinking I should use some of it to pay for half the trip.

I have to take it on the chin that in her eyes I was freeloading even though I never intended to do that and would just have said “No, sorry, but thanks for the offer” if I’d known.

What really floored me was the withdrawal of the stayover and lift, that made it not just more expensive but quite difficult and worrying. And then just to meet up in the evenings. I have been to Rome before, I wouldn’t go again except as an opportunity to spend time with her.

It makes me wonder how many other times I’ve got it wrong!

I don't understand what the original arrangement for the outward journey was. Did you both intend to fly out together early on the Saturday morning, after you stayed at her house on the Friday night? I don't understand this bit - "^she said that Friday is her husband’s birthday and she now wants to spend the evening with him before going away, so I should make my own way to the airport and she would meet me through security^" Do, you mean you will both still fly out early on the Saturday morning? If so, could you have got a B and B near her house so the husband could still take you to the airport.

Whatev's, it's her fault. I would have thought you would have shared food bills.

You are not in the wrong, she is. I had a friend who has treated me in similar fashion. I had to cancel a flight which cost me because she went back on a holiday arrangement. I kind of forgave her but recently slammed the phone down on her because she has insulted me once too often. I suspect I'm not on her "A" list of friends as I don't think she would treat her other friends in this way.

But that’s the point notanan, you know what your friends like to eat, and where they like to stay, you don’t know them very well, if you have to ask these things