Names

Jonnie did your mother never teach you if you didn’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything?
Ironic and absolutely priceless Bibbity

DH's family must have been posh Nonnie but we've come down in the world now

NotSpag sorry until recently the only double barrelled names I have come across and been really posh people. Either you are very posh or I have missed out

Did you marry someone who was double barrelled? No one has answered my question about DB marrying another DB and what they use for surnames.

As a teacher I found that two surnames always created problems: wouldn't fit into spaces on registers and official forms, name cards, tray labels, books, clothes etc.
I agree.

DH's family was double barrelled but thankfully dropped the practice and just used the patronymic surname a couple of generations ago. MIL could have added hers, I could have added mine and our DC would have had a quadruple barrelled surname if we'd continued the practice!

Rather than 'keeping up with the Jones's' it seems more like keeping up with the the Rees-Moggs, the Vane-Tempest-Stewarts, the Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpes, the Pole-Tylney-Long-Wellesleys and, of course, the Mountbatten-Windsors!

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She's getting attention for her deliberately doing something that she knows irks you.

I'd rise above it and just ignore it. It will in turn irk her that she is doing something to irritate and annoy someone, and not getting the response she wants/needs.

"Only one thing worse than being talked about, and that's NOT being talked about"

Sorry, I can't remember who posted about a child with a double-barrelled surname marrying another child with a double-barrelled surname and how it would work with names then.

There was a sportswoman years ago (might have been a show jumper) called Lucinda Prior-Palmer. When she married Mr Green, she was Lucinda Prior-Palmer-Green - for a while. Last I heard of her, she'd dropped the mouthful of a name and was just Lucinda Green.

I think you'd have to put all four names into a hat and pick two out and go with those

Bibbity that made me laugh! You suggest I get a grip but you got my name wrong. Hmm, who needs to get a grip?

I don't have a need to resort to swearing to get my point across either. I maintain that your post was unpleasant and unhelpful. Anything which tries to set one person against another is unkind and clearly biased because of your own situation. I will not respond further on this to you as I have a life and don't need to respond to trouble makers.

Your child has both names as his surname on his birth certificate, therefore his name is legal
However, I notice that although you are married you don't use the title Mrs either, preferring to be addressed by your maiden name, hopefully not prefixed with the ghastly Ms. Making a point? Not sure what.

As a teacher I found that two surnames always created problems: wouldn't fit into spaces on registers and official forms, name cards, tray labels, books, clothes etc. The children often disliked them because they wanted to have one surname like everyone else, and frequently dropped one when they reached an age where they took control.
Then there was the problem when the marriage/relationship broke up, and a parent tried to drop one of the names and replace it with that of the next partner.
You say you don't lose sleep over it, but you care enough to garner support here.
My sympathy is increasingly with your mother in law.

I honestly don’t want to argue! But I don’t seems to be able to post without her making a comment on me personally! I don’t even know who she is! I can’t recall ever being engaged in a conversation with her!

Bibbity and Nonnie, why argue amongst yourselves on this post about names rather than name calling each other, ie “nut”?
I’m not risking posting on Gn anymore, as I don’t want to be name called myself.
Apologies to OP for straying off the subject. I dont really think your MIL attitude matters, just ignore. At least she’s not actually being insulting.

My mother had a double barrel sure name and she was born in 1915 so it's not a new thing just ignore her remarks and carry on as you want the more you take her to task about it the more satisfaction she's getting from upsetting you

But if the relationship were to break down why would it not be the fault of the person who can’t follow a very simple and easy request.

Why is it so hard to understand that there is a whole generation refusing to be doormats and actually holding people accountable for their choices?

What’s in a name? We have so many posts about broken family relationships that this seems very trivial. Just go along with it.

Names are funny things aren't they? We either love or hate them, shorten them or use nicknames or insist on having them used in full.
My D and SiL have been married nearly 19 years. In that time he's used my name twice, once before they got married and again yesterday! It's no big deal but several times he's spoken to me across the room and I've not responded and my daughter has commented. My reply has always been, "Sorry I didn't realise. Since I didn't hear my name I thought he was talking to you!" Maybe, after 19 years, he's got the message!
I'd just ignore your Mil and get on with your life and accept this little irritant as just being one of her, unchangeable, 'foibles'

Surely with us all being caring and loving Grandparents we would comply with our ACs choice as to how our DCs are named.I would never dream of commenting on something that was not my business.

*Nonnie

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I'd ignore it if I were you. She's trying to wind you up. Some people thrive on conflict. Stop your OH saying anything to her as well and simply let it lie. At some point your child will look at the post and want to know why the names are wrong. They may then tackle Granny about it. You can then sit back and watch her attempt to explain it away with satisfaction. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I kept my maiden name when I was married as, teaching, all the children knew me as Miss D. It wasn't a big protest against the patriachy or anything but my in-laws took exception to it and let it be known they didn't approve.

When I gave birth to the DS and DD they had their first name, a middle name, followed by my surname as an extra middle name and then the DH's surname.

The in-laws duly objected to that too.

I took plenty of no notice.

Before my SIL met DD he had a child by another. She has been very difficult in accepting SIL (and the child) have a right to have the parentage recognised. The child should be known as 'Smith Jones' for her and SIL but more often that not she used just 'Smith' - until there was a Court Order made about it - and other issues. When sending anything to said child I am very careful to use both names - purely out of respect for everyone involved.
I don't think you AIBU and, like the rest of us, the child will make its own choices when old enough. Families are so complicated these days!!

Hello,
Nonnie, I was born into a double-barrel family in the 50s so I don't feel it to be a fad. My mother had taken my father's surname when they married. There are plenty of ways that a hyphenated surname comes about.

Razxy Clearly this mother-in-law is intent on making a rather rude complaint about what she perceives to be an independent streak in you.
You are not going to force her to stop being rude, but I think if I were you, I'd show your daughter the envelopes each time, and say, merrily, "oops look, silly Granny has got our names wrong again!"... It won't yield anything quickly but one day you will have the satisfaction of her being gleefully "told off" or "reminded" by your daughter.

She is not going to stop. As TerryM says, some of us are old enough to have been addressed as Mrs (Husband's first and second names)!
At least she has given you your own initial .

I married whilst I was a student and one (rather unpleasant) staff member took it upon themselves to change my university registration details to my husband's surname. I was livid. Although I did take his surname I did rather grieve the loss of my own and as I had studied in my own right I wanted my degree in MY name. I used my maiden name professionally for quite a few years.

What we want to be known as is surely up to us. It is for others to respect it. Your mother-in-law is probably challenged by your independence. She wants to grind you into submission.
Just keep pointing out her "accidental funny errors" to your daughter and I think eventually she will be forced to stop. Good luck!

Nonnatimes4, your opinion sound far from humble. Why should women who choose to marry take their husbands name and lose their own. Patriarchy never did women any favours

Maybe I'm just too easy-going (or compliant!) but I couldn't be bothered getting upset over it; I presume that your MIL just doesn't approve of the double-barrel thing and is showing her displeasure by ignoring it. Very petty (and passive-aggressive), but I would just leave her to it; she's trying to score points, don't give her the pleasure of joining in her game. Also, I wouldn't dream of placing sanctions on her contact with the children if she doesn't comply; to me (and I know we are all different) that would be a massive over-reaction. However, if in the future it does have an effect on the children, then you could let them tell her - I'm sure that would carry more weight!

Razzy, I'd be very tempted to tell your mother in law to grow up and get over it. The world has moved on. Your child, your decisions, not her child or her decisions. How you deal with it after that is your decision. Not easy, I would suspect.

My 3 children have all chosen different relationship pathways and child naming practices and I'm absolutely fine with all of that because it's their lives and their children - my absolutely gorgeous and very loved 7 grandchildren. Good luck.

My father came from a large family. 14 siblings in all.
Nearly every one of them had their mother’s maiden name as a second name, not double barrelled.
When I asked my dad why, he said it was the done thing at the time. (My dad was born in 1920 and was the youngest.)
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