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(154 Posts)
Razzy Thu 25-Apr-19 16:23:37

Am I being unreasonable? My mother-in-law refuses to use her grand child’s proper name, because she doesn’t think it is right that we’ve used both my husband’s surname and mine as our child’s last names. We are married but kept our own names. In fact mine is at the very end, but she refuses to use it. It really annoys me and I know my OH had another go at her about it.
I completely understand that it wasn’t like that in her day, but if she wants to use that logic I should give up work and get my husband to pay for everything.
Would it be unreasonable of me to call her Grandma Bob from now on, because I prefer it, instead of Grandma Barbara? 😂

Nonnie Thu 25-Apr-19 16:32:17

Personally I just do what my DCs want but I started a thread a few months ago about the double barrelled surnames fad. What happens when the children of the Smith-Jones and the children of the Howell-Smythes marry each other? Will they be the Smith-Jones-Howell-Smythes? How far can this go? grin

maryeliza54 Thu 25-Apr-19 16:40:23

Call her Grandma Bob

DanniRae Thu 25-Apr-19 17:20:13

I'd call her Grandma Pain-in-the-a*se if I was you!

My mother-in-law decided when her first grandson was born and he was called James that she would call him Jamie. But no one else called him that and so he was known as James by every one else. I have to add that she was a pain-in-the-a*se too.

Callistemon Thu 25-Apr-19 17:40:20

I am rather confused as to what your child's surname is, Razzy - have you hyphenated the name or not?

ie is he (or she) John Smith Jones for instance?
or Jane Jones-Smith?

Is your MIL refusing to call him or her John or Jane because she dislikes the double barrelled surname? If so, what does she call the child?

I tend to call my DGC by their preferred forename, not the whole mouthful of names.

FlexibleFriend Thu 25-Apr-19 17:54:52

How often does she use the name, I call my Grandson by his first name, don't think I've ever used his surname.

Grammaretto Thu 25-Apr-19 18:15:20

It's the other way around in our family because of the other gps preferences, we get called by different names by our various DGC.
For example we cant be grandma and grandpa in one family because that's the other's choice.
We mind not a jot.

ArtemisFoul Thu 25-Apr-19 18:29:05

I think the OP is saying that her lo is called Jane Smith-Jones but MIL insists on calling her Jane Smith, leaving off the Jones part (the OP's surname).

It's rude. But if your DP has already spoken to her then I would ignore it, or she will enjoy winding you up. There can only be a few situations where it comes up, surely? Soon little Jane will be in a position to say to her granny, "My name is X, Grandma!"

M0nica Thu 25-Apr-19 21:13:10

I think the grandmother is arrogant and rude. Names are decided by those who bestow them on their children and later those children when they decide to keep them or change them.

My first name is often/usually shortened but I have always been known by the full form. If someone uses the abbreviated version, I just ignore them on the basis that they are not talking to me. I suggest OP gives the grandmother clear warning then if she continues to ignore the parent's wishes, she will return any post to the child with the limited surname, marked 'return to sender, not known this address' and if she uses the name verbally, just say 'Who? I do not know anyone with that name'

Bibbity Thu 25-Apr-19 21:47:30

I’d drop Grandma all together and just refer to her as Fred. Get your son to call her it as well.

Also there is something you can do. Tell her your fed up. She’s a grown up who’s had this explained to her many times and if she doesn’t cut it out you won’t bring him around anymore. She wants to see him all she has to do is stop.
As Pp said why is she even bringing up his surname so much?

Callistemon Thu 25-Apr-19 22:57:02

My youngest DGC does announce herself by her full name (as did one of my DD!) so perhaps your MIL may get the message - is your DC speaking yet?

BradfordLass72 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:52:38

I think the OP means the first name. For instance, if she is Ellen and her husband John. the child is called Jonelle - or something similar. Of course I could be wrong.

Either way, it is her choice, her child.

Grandma deserves to be called by a name the OP likes better than the one the old bat was was given. Grandma Pita sounds good to me. grin

Grandma Pain In The A....

BlueBelle Fri 26-Apr-19 04:41:28

No Bradford I think you ve interpreted it wrongly I think artermis is correct it surely the surname she talking about
Jennifer Smith-Jones and the grandma calls her Jennifer Smith
I have two grandkids with a hyphenated name it wasn’t a fad it was a fact

Baggs Fri 26-Apr-19 07:48:32

It’s common in the US for married women to keep their maiden surnames as a middle name but generally be known by their first name and married surname. Perhaps that is catching on here. I like it.

In my family there is also a Spanish tradition used (via Peru) so my niece puts her maiden name in the middle but her son has his father's name straight after his first name, then his mother’s but will be generally known by his first name and dad's surname. I like that too.

Like others, OP, I’m wondering why your MiL needs to use your grandchild's surname at all. I think you should shrug off the irritation you have expressed.

Iam64 Fri 26-Apr-19 08:22:50

I've been watching Disney this week whilst on grannie duty. So ' let it go, let it go'. is the first thing that springs to mind. The second thing is shared irritation that your mother in law feels she has any right to express such negativity about the choices you and her son made in naming your children.

I don't know how old your mother in law is but amongst my group of friends, all in our 70's, none of us took our husbands names when we married. All our children have a combination of last names. My children have my name as their last name, their birth certificates carry their first names as well as both our last names. No hyphens either.

Nonnie Fri 26-Apr-19 11:12:54

I agree with Iam64 does it really matter? Surely for the sake of harmony you could just ignore it until the child is old enough to say their own name. One of my GC, when asked his name comes out with the whole thing include his middle names. At that point she will have to give in.

Bibbity is back with her anti MiL posts but please bear in mind that she has nothing to do with hers so is biased.

whywhywhy Fri 26-Apr-19 11:26:45

I think it is disrespectful of her. I always call my grand kids by the names that they were given by their parents.

Bibbity Fri 26-Apr-19 12:23:31

Jonnie did your mother never teach you if you didn’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything?

If it’s not a big deal why is the MIL causing such an issue. It’s actually very very simple. If she wants a good relationship with her family. If she wants her GC to know who she is she will stop deliberately passing comments on his name.
If she really can’t stop then that’s on her.

Nonnie Fri 26-Apr-19 12:30:44

Gosh Bibbity that's a bit much coming from you. Some of your previous posts have been rather less than'nice'

Bibbity Fri 26-Apr-19 13:17:59

Been following me have you hmm may I suggest a hobby? Or Netflix?

glammanana Fri 26-Apr-19 13:55:53

Why are members so personal with their comments to each other,I'm not surprised we have so many regular posters leaving the site over the past few months.

Engraverswife13 Fri 26-Apr-19 15:13:10

Hmmmm as a granny, grandma, nanny, mormor and farmor to 5 children with at least 3 different names (for example Isaac, Issie, Izz) I think the family is far to formal.

Nonnie Fri 26-Apr-19 16:34:57

Bibbity why would I follow you? Do you really think you are so interesting? No, I just remember that you made some very memorable unpleasant and hurtful comments to another Gner. The sort of thing that sticks in the mind of a caring person. Bit patronising for a young person to suggest a hobby or Netflix don't you think? I won't respond in kind as I have a life and don't need to go on forums for people of a different age to myself.

Nonnie Fri 26-Apr-19 16:36:47

glam yes, I do retaliate when nasty comments are made. I was bullied for years and now I give it back. Otherwise I am actually rather nice on these threads. {smile}

Callistemon Fri 26-Apr-19 17:29:19

Perhaps we should adopt the Icelandic tradition of names:

confusing - but strict and no arguing!