Do I go NC?

How does your husband feel about her?

Also, if you do run into her at a family event, I suggest avoiding her, not getting into any conversations with her. Just "Hello" and "Goodbye," that's it. If she says anything to you again against dh, just tell her that's why she doesn't have to be around him anymore - or you. In fact, I wouldn't invite her to any events that I gave (hey, why subject her to dh, I say sarcastically), nor would I attend any of hers. But that's just me.

BodiceaJones, I'm a little confused. Has your relative always indicated she hates your dh or did she just tell you this now? If she has been saying it for 20 years, why are you first upset about it now?

"She says she doesn't like or trust him, but won't tell me why."

If she can't/won't give you a reason, then she shouldn't have said anything. You say she's "spiteful" and that you've always had a "rocky relationship," so chances are, she's just trying to make trouble or make you wonder/worry/etc.

So I'm with Granddad and some of the other posters. I would either go nc with her or drastically cut contact back. (Going totally nc might be difficult if you might run into her at some family events.) Not just because of what she's saying about dh though that would be reason enough. But also because she's spiteful and your relationship has never been good, anyway. You've probably already put up with too much from her for too long.

Yes, ignore her.

Also, if you DO know a secret (this person hasnt said they do) and decide not to tell, (as I have with a secret about a dead person where the secret will cause pain but no benefit if told). You pretend everything is fine.

You dont imply things about a secret you have decided shouldnt be told.

So I dont think this person actually KNOWS anything incriminating about the DH.

And implying there is "something" is awful because you can never disprove it. How can he ever clear his name? How can he ever prove that he isnt what X thinks he is if X is being all vague and dramatic... but also unaccountable.

This is why you must distance from X and make it clear to others that you (both) have never been that close to X. Its the only way to water down the speculation.

Sometimes secrets need to be told. Would you rather know? or be kept in the dark while others have that knowledge about someone close to you

The OP has NOT been approached with a secret the other person thinks she should know.

I have had to have those difficult conversations with others in the past. I NEVER preceeded them with "I dont like X but Im not saying why" drama.

If she had a genuine reason for disliking your DH she would decide to either say it, or keep quiet and carry on.

Lets face it, everyone is thinking it, she is implying either cheating or immorality/criminality.

And if she is implying it to you shd will be implying it to others, and letting her into your life even without DH there will give weight to her implications to others.

If she really had any genuine concerns for you she would/should say so, which makes me think there is no honour in her intentions

By implying thess things she is making herself unaccoubtable and worse, perhaps even setting you up, because if you outright ask her if she is saying that he is a cheat, or ask others if she has said as much.... well she didnt say that, exactly. And but the seed is sown and you asking about it is then "proof" that you have your suspicians about him not "her".

I wonder if actually she fancies him and is orchestrating drama between you so she can swoop in and be the shoulder to cry on.

I would usually say that no matter hos well you know your OH, be open minded if a friend has concerns, but THIS friend isnt acting like a person with genuine concerns.

P.s. I have a friend whose husband I dont like. He has done nothing wrong I just dont like him, I find conversation stifled/awkward with him around we just dont gel. I would NEVER say "I dont like your husband" to her. It would achieve nothing. I just arrange to see her when he is at work.

It's a bit late to do or say anything isn't it, if this has been going on for the twenty years you and your DH have been married, but perhaps I have misunderstood and the near relation is a newcomer to the family.

Frankly, I wouldn't let anyone into my house, family or not, who said spiteful, nasty things about my husband, so I wonder why you haven't told this woman off before now.

I like Mollygo’s idea....it might help to lighten your spirits and feel more in control when you next meet! What colour ribbon could you tie around the spoon? Have some fun with the idea at least. Very unkind of this person to attempt to create discord - you don’t mention the circumstances under which the comment was made, but I’m wondering if alcohol was involved...

I would go no contact. Anything else would be disloyal. It is one thing to think it. Even not go out of the way to hide it but to state it in that blatant way, what does she expect you to do, leave him?

Often families have secrets. They usually come out in the open in the end. Sometimes secrets need to be told. Would you rather know? or be kept in the dark while others have that knowledge about someone close to you. Maybe you should confront her and tell her that you want to know why she doesn't trust your husband. Say that if she doesn't tell you she must say why in front of both you and your husband. That should sort it out one way or the other.

That's her opinion. If she is not prepared to explain why, just ignore it and carry on.
Why are we so bothered by other people's opinions when it's none of their business?

Try not to come into contact with this person. The important thing is your relationship with your husband,

Then keep in touch by email and every once in a while meet for lunch halfway (I do with a friend in Wiltshire) Husbands do not need to be included.

Or is she jealous that he is married to you and not her? If you are happy enjoy your relationship with DH

MawBroonsback's idea is sensible but they live in Oxford and we are in Yorkshire!

Namsnanny - I tried to do that but couldn't see how.

newgran2019....why don't you start a new thread where people can concentrate on your question?
You might attract more answers that way .

I'm wondering how this conversation actually came about. It seems a strange thing to say to someone without them giving any any details. Could she be just saying this out of jealousy and trying to put doubts into your mind just for spite. I would distance myself from her, and keep your private life private, she doesn't sound the sort of person to have around. If she persists in saying these things then tell her to "spit it out or shut up".

Hear, hear Grandad (agreeing with you yet again - wow!)

Meet her for lunch, coffee, or afternoon tea without him.

I am coming at this from the other angle: my best friend from college (my bridesmaid and my daughter's godmother), for whom I had the greatest respect and affection, is married to an overbearing, dogmatic man who won't let anyone have an opinion that doesn't accord with his. Last time they stayed with us we found we had nothing in common any more apart from our daughter (and as they couldn't have children one can't talk about family too much for fear of offence), they were either silent or critical, and the whole weekend was so stressful that we have avoided seeing them since. Yet I feel bad about this, as my friend once meant so much to me. I'd welcome advice on the best/kindest way of dealing with this!

Maybe she is jealous of your good relationship. If she makes another spiteful comment along those lines I would say 'unless you are prepared to back that comment up and tell me why then I would rather you didn't refer to it again' or avoid her. It doesn't sound as though you have any concerns about her knowing something you don't.

We have one in our family, my step gc but thank goodness she has been proved wrong. Keep her as much as you can out of your life.

I had a deep dislike of my best friends husband. He treated her appallingly, I had good reason. It wasn't a secret. She found the courage to leave him.
Not the same situation I know. Maybe she perceives something in your relationship? Does your husband have any idea?
If its really for no good reason I'd ignore this person as far as is possible. ?

I disagree. There's nothing worse than everyone telling you how wonderful your spouse is, when behind closed doors they are a completely different person. So I'm always surprised when people make positive or negative comments about other people's family members. Like politics and religion, steer clear of the topic.