I am so upset

That's made me laugh Floradora ????

I know a husband who dropped a take away curry on the carpet. Instead of telling his wife when she came back she found he had rearanged the furniture to hide the stain.

He’s made you a slave. He can walk so stop taking his meals to him for a start. Lazy .......!

If he seemed smug and defensive then he probably has spilt something,many people appear smug when they are in the wrong,my sil has a husband who does this.
He sounds lazy but he may be seriously depressed? Many people who are depressed become very selfish ( I don't want to upset anyone here who may be depressed,but it is hard to consider others feelings when you're in your own pit of despair )

I think he may be depressed but also that a bit of tough love might help.

Go for it big time busy b.

You have been in my thoughts all day busy b.Has he always been quite selfish. ?

OP, I have experience something a little similar med my DH.

I think that many men tend to become depressed when they are ill, feeling that they can no longer pull their weight. This may not be anything a doctor would diagnose as depression, but more what we all used to call "feeling depressed" when we were young.

You need to help him get out of the rut, he is in. If I understood you right, his back is a little better now, and yes, start by getting him back to the table for meals.

Then point out that as you are still working, you would appreciate a little help with the housework. Frankly, asking a man to dust is NBG, as they don't see dust.

Ask him what tasks he feels up to doing, and let him get on with them. If they are not done in the specified times, point out to him that you are waiting for him to do them.

If you can, get him out for a walk every day. We have just bought new electric bicycles and it has made an immense difference as DH is fonder of cycling than I am, but I am happy to go on my bike, as it means he is exercising.

I learnt rather too late in life that people only treat you badly if you allow them to. It would never happen to me now. So don't put up with anything that makes you unhappy.

Agree with everything showergel fresh has said. She says exactly what I would say.

I'm a little confused about why he would shampoo the new carpets. Did he say why? Seems a very odd thing to do especially as he normally does nothing at all. Is this normal behaviour for him or completely out of character? I was just wondering if something else is going on.
It sounds a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you had to face it after a break.

I hope you don’t mind my suggestion, it might be an idea to see his GP on your own and tell her/him about hubby being inactive and liking to be waited on. It’s bad for his physical health to be like this.

Good luck.

Thanks all for your kind words. I can see by reading through the answers that I have enabled him to behave like an invalid. Sarhellenwhitney, it was sepsis and pneumonia that he had 2 years ago, he collapsed suddenly on a weekend away and we nearly lost him. After a good recovery time I have tried to get him to do small jobs, eg dusting but he refuses and I haven't nagged. So the carpet cleaning which is very strenuous was a complete surprise to me. One son (his stepson) did tell him again that the carpet shouldn't be cleaned but he did it when they were at work. We all try and engage him in conversation but he isn't interested in anything other than talking about himself.
Namsnanny, yes I do think this was a kind of payback for going away, cleaning windows, mowing lawn etc would have been helpful, this was not.
Showerfreshgel and Dillyduck, yes I am going to start looking after myself and putting my needs first thank you for your support, I have to stay with him as its my house and I can't see him going anywhere, but I need him to be at least a pleasant companion. I was so looking forward to retirement together (he retired 14 years ago so has been waiting for me to retire as I am younger). Fresh day tomorrow, for a start I am going to put his invalid table in the garage!

He is using you (to put it politely).

Stop waiting on him, make him get his own meals, etc.

Go out more often.

He's made a mess of the carpets, tell him to get them sorted or replaced, his money of course, if he hasn't any, tell him he was fit to damage them so he is fit enough to find work.

Get harder with him or he will never change.

Think of yourself, he's obviously only thinking of himself.

Can you offer to take him to a good doctor for a thorough health check with written report - so you both can know whether he is sick or not? Only a doctor can say! He made decide he isn't sick after all!

If the carpet had been treated with stainguard why did he think he should shampoo it? Even if he had spilt coffee or something on it, wouldn't it have been all right? Sorry, but I don't know about new carpets and stainguard.

What was the nature of your husbands illness two years ago.? If his present attitude started after the illness and the fact he has been treated for depression came after this illness then I would have no hesitation in seeking advice from your GP or your husbands GP as soon as possible. You cannot continue like this and I hardly think your husband enjoys his present life which is putting such pressure on you.

He sounds depressed and needs to stop navel gazing.

One of the best things to lift the spirits is a bit of voluntary work. This may seem a long way off yet but start by encouraging him to take responsibility for tea making when you’re around. Tell him it’s a lovely cup of tea and how grateful you are. Proceed from there.

Don’t feel guilty that you are hurting him by asking for activity from him; your hurting him by patronising his condition. ?

I think tackling this gently might be best. Perhaps ask him to go for a short walk with you each morning. Or take him out for coffee. Or ask him if he could make tea for you as you feel tired. Or take him to buy some new clothes
Gradually get him moving and give him the idea he is helping you.

Would you be better off without him?
You are a person in your own right, NOT his slave!!
Shampoing a carpet is jolly hard work, so he has certainly been taking the P.

If he won't talk to you, or the rest of the family, then do you really have a marriage any more?? He isn't going to change until someone forces him to now. Maybe telling him exactly how you feel is just the wake up call he needs.
Sadly I'm widowed now, but in my 60's I've made a new life for myself, been to places all over the Mediterranean, and a girl friend and I are going Island Hopping in Greece. (We are calling it our late Gap Year).
If you stay with him, as he is, things are only going to get worse until one of you dies. Is that really how you want the rest of your life to be?

I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. Honestly, I would have been annoyed if my husband had shampooed new carpets. Why did he do it? You say that he is not talking to you right now, then I would say that is a blessing in disguise! Stop running after him. Get him to sit at the table or leave his meal there and eat yours. He will soon get hungry! He is capable of shampooing and ruining carpets then he is capable of doing some work. I think he has taken the P for long enough. Have a chat with him and let him know just how you feel and say you are not putting up with anymore. Tell him to go back to the Drs and get checked out and dont stop looking after yourself. Take care

Do you trust him to tell you whether he spilt something or not? The only time my ex ever cleaned anything was when he spilt a bottle of red wine. He tried to undo the damage by pouring a mountain of salt on the stain and completely ruined the vacuum cleaner by hoovering it up. I blew up along with the vacuum cleaner when I found out. Next he tried shampooing with little success. It was an almost new carpet and I’ve had it cleaned twice since he walked off and it still looks pretty awful. I’m saving up for a new carpet.

He might be lying about dropping something. Without you to wait on him he may have been carrying a tray to his chair and dropped it. The sons might know more but it would be unfair to delve into it if they are sworn to secrecy. I would let it drop, but do something about all the sitting because it is a case of use it or lose it with his muscles. Perhaps you could find a u Tube video of chair exercises and do them together regularly as a lighthearted activity. Do you as a family, or a couple ever go out for a walk or ride, or a meal or a drink or just a cup of tea, or play card or computer games or anything together? If your husband is depressed it might help him.

This reminded me of many years ago when we had our house renovated. I went with the builder to a reclamation yard and spent ages choosing the perfect railway sleeper to go over our newly built fireplace. It was gorgeous. All silvery and wonderful.

I came into the room a day or two later to find DH with paintbrush in hand having just dolloped a load of dark wood stain all over it.

I went all hot, then all cold, then exploded but the damage was done. He is lucky to be alive.

He has come in handy a few times since so he is 'sort of' forgiven but boy did he get close to being stuffed head first up that chimney

My husband is similar. He had treatment for prostate cancer over two years ago and has decided to be an invalid ever since.Can't to anything around the house but very good at telling me what to do. However when I go out once a week or so he apparently makes a miraculous recover and he manages to do all sorts of jobs. When I return he reverts back to invalid mode.