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I am so upset

(44 Posts)
busyb Tue 30-Apr-19 18:41:10

This may seem trivial but it has really upset me. My husband was ill about 2 years ago and since then will do nothing but sit down and watch tv. He won't come out with me and doesn't really interact with the rest of the family. I do everything for him even taking his meals to him in front of tv as he wont sit to the table (being 'too poorly').
I have been away for a few days ( we have 2 adult sons who live with us so could keep an eye on him) and he decided to shampoo our new carpets which have left them damp and dull and murky looking, of course the stain guard is now destroyed as is the stain warranty! He rarely moves so why did he do it? and how if he is too poorly to even dust or help (I still work part time) he is actually better now but enjoys being an invalid. He is now not talking to me because I said he knew not to do it. AIBU to be upset.

Madgran77 Tue 30-Apr-19 18:45:30

It does sound a bit like he was trying to help but what he got as a result was a moan! Or did he spill something maybe and was trying to clear it up? Is he depressed d'you think, another option to consider? flowers

Mossfarr Tue 30-Apr-19 18:47:44

Well now that you know he's capable of doing more you need to stop waiting on him!
If he's well enough to shampoo your carpets he's well enough to sit at the table for meals.

FlexibleFriend Tue 30-Apr-19 19:07:30

I'd be furious, sounds like the sort of thing my ex would do. I'd be finding him jobs to do around the house now and get the professionals in to sort out the carpet, if that fails buy new ones.

CanadianGran Tue 30-Apr-19 19:07:51

I would ask a few more questions.. as Madgran suggests, he may have spilt something. Carpet shampoo machines tend to be heavy so it would have taken quite an effort. I'm sure he had good intentions and perhaps you were too fast to criticize.

But I would definitely scale back fussing over him. Sometimes a bit of tough love is necessary. He can sit at the table, fold laundry or do dusting and sweeping etc.

agnurse Tue 30-Apr-19 19:09:07

Has he had a complete checkup? It's quite possible that he may be depressed or that there could be other issues. I would suggest he go for a complete physical and cognitive/mental health exam.

busyb Tue 30-Apr-19 19:32:55

Thank you for your messages and listening to my rant, I just needed to tell someone. No, nothing was spilt and he was quite smug and defensive about doing it. This was my wake up call, I am going to insist he sits to the table for meals and not help him so much. It shows me he can get around if he wants. Yes, Agnurse he has had treatment for a bad back and after he was ill the other year they did put him on tablets for depression but the doctor stopped them after about a year. I am going to tell him he must go back to the doctor and also have said he must pay for the carpets to be cleaned properly.

Newatthis Wed 01-May-19 12:50:38

Stop doing stuff for him (including bringing his food on a tray) - it's not doing him or you any good. People will behave badly .....if you let them!!

Namsnanny Wed 01-May-19 13:23:39 sounds as if you have the measure of him now!!
I hope I don’t upset you when I say I immediately thought his behaviour was passive aggressive (more aggressive than passive?!!!) and he was paying you back for leaving him to cope by himself!!!
Hope I’m wrong

fizzers Wed 01-May-19 13:28:56

scale right back on what you do for him, it's not helping by you waiting on him hand and foot, it's time for some tough love

Chinesecrested Wed 01-May-19 13:55:14

Take some more time off and leave him to fend for himself

Cherrytree59 Wed 01-May-19 14:13:11

Sorry to read that your carpets have been ruined busyb thanks

What do your sons who live at home think about
A) the carpet cleaning and
B) your husbands physical amd mental state?

showergelfresh Wed 01-May-19 14:28:05

Stop doing things for him.
If he won’t come to the table enjoy your food just you!
Get out more on your own and try to become a bit more independent.
He’a not a baby. Threat him as a grown man.
I feel for you having your carpet ruined. If that was me I’d be so cross and it isn’t your job to wait on anyone.
Good luck and shame on him.
Don’t be part of the fun and games he is playing with you.
Most importantly take care of yourself.

lemongrove Wed 01-May-19 15:36:27

Why would he shampoo ‘new’ carpets?

humptydumpty Wed 01-May-19 16:00:22

I absolutely agree that you should stop giving him waitress service. Put your meals on the table.

phoenix Wed 01-May-19 16:39:45

How can anyone be "too poorly" to sit at the table, yet manage to sit in a chair and watch tv?

Also, why clean new carpets?

Sounds like someone is taking the p.

Lily65 Wed 01-May-19 20:41:33

I believe busy has been busy here before with some interesting tales.

It's the adult sons I feel for. It can't be much fun living on 80p a week.

notanan2 Wed 01-May-19 20:44:08

Sounds infuriating.

Is there any chance he is suffering from PTSD from his illness?

NemosMum Thu 02-May-19 10:12:13

By all means try stopping doing everything for him, but if that doesn't work, then please consider that there is more to this medically. You say the GP has stopped his anti-depressants: it doesn't seem to have made a difference, but does the doc know that? I don't want to upset you, but some forms of dementia can present like this because they affect 'executive function' e.g. Fronto-temporal dementia. It's worth checking. As it is, you are feeling miserable and perplexed by his behaviour. Presumably, he was not always like this. If so, something has gone wrong, and you need to find out what it is, for his sake and for yours. Thinking of you. flowers

jennymolly Thu 02-May-19 10:20:25

My husband is similar. He had treatment for prostate cancer over two years ago and has decided to be an invalid ever since.Can't to anything around the house but very good at telling me what to do. However when I go out once a week or so he apparently makes a miraculous recover and he manages to do all sorts of jobs. When I return he reverts back to invalid mode.

breeze Thu 02-May-19 10:20:32

This reminded me of many years ago when we had our house renovated. I went with the builder to a reclamation yard and spent ages choosing the perfect railway sleeper to go over our newly built fireplace. It was gorgeous. All silvery and wonderful.

I came into the room a day or two later to find DH with paintbrush in hand having just dolloped a load of dark wood stain all over it.

I went all hot, then all cold, then exploded but the damage was done. He is lucky to be alive.

He has come in handy a few times since so he is 'sort of' forgiven but boy did he get close to being stuffed head first up that chimney angry

starbird Thu 02-May-19 10:33:58

He might be lying about dropping something. Without you to wait on him he may have been carrying a tray to his chair and dropped it. The sons might know more but it would be unfair to delve into it if they are sworn to secrecy. I would let it drop, but do something about all the sitting because it is a case of use it or lose it with his muscles. Perhaps you could find a u Tube video of chair exercises and do them together regularly as a lighthearted activity. Do you as a family, or a couple ever go out for a walk or ride, or a meal or a drink or just a cup of tea, or play card or computer games or anything together? If your husband is depressed it might help him.

Minerva Thu 02-May-19 10:36:45

Do you trust him to tell you whether he spilt something or not? The only time my ex ever cleaned anything was when he spilt a bottle of red wine. He tried to undo the damage by pouring a mountain of salt on the stain and completely ruined the vacuum cleaner by hoovering it up. I blew up along with the vacuum cleaner when I found out. Next he tried shampooing with little success. It was an almost new carpet and I’ve had it cleaned twice since he walked off and it still looks pretty awful. I’m saving up for a new carpet.

whywhywhy Thu 02-May-19 10:55:54

I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. Honestly, I would have been annoyed if my husband had shampooed new carpets. Why did he do it? You say that he is not talking to you right now, then I would say that is a blessing in disguise! Stop running after him. Get him to sit at the table or leave his meal there and eat yours. He will soon get hungry! He is capable of shampooing and ruining carpets then he is capable of doing some work. I think he has taken the P for long enough. Have a chat with him and let him know just how you feel and say you are not putting up with anymore. Tell him to go back to the Drs and get checked out and dont stop looking after yourself. Take care

Dillyduck Thu 02-May-19 11:13:37

Would you be better off without him?
You are a person in your own right, NOT his slave!!
Shampoing a carpet is jolly hard work, so he has certainly been taking the P.

If he won't talk to you, or the rest of the family, then do you really have a marriage any more?? He isn't going to change until someone forces him to now. Maybe telling him exactly how you feel is just the wake up call he needs.
Sadly I'm widowed now, but in my 60's I've made a new life for myself, been to places all over the Mediterranean, and a girl friend and I are going Island Hopping in Greece. (We are calling it our late Gap Year).
If you stay with him, as he is, things are only going to get worse until one of you dies. Is that really how you want the rest of your life to be?