DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

Hi Dilly, I feel really sorry for you, you have had "the rug pulled from beneath you and must be feeling upset and a bit scared at your realisation that there is a problem with the amount that your husband and now your Son drinks.
I will pass onto you the only knowledge that I have of this situation, my friend was married to an alcoholic and she went to AlAnon meetings, she was told that she was Co dependant and an enabler with her husband's drinking and also that she was powerless to control his drinking, basically it was up to him.
This is all that I know so perhaps try to go to one of these meetings, possibly with Dil and perhaps get a clearer understanding of everything.

*Last night
I am exhausted today

Thank you all for your comments. I spent most of yesterday out in the gorgeous weather gardening and trying to digest everything.
Firstly I’m also sorry for my comment, “Drink like the Irish”, should have been “drink like a fish”, my apologies, it was out of line.
It’s hard for me to accept there is an issue, as my family& friend group all drink quite a lot, so as you pointed out it’s our normal.
I am however upset to think that this has meant my son has perhaps picked up this behaviour from his dad and it is affecting him and his wife. She is the main breadwinner and if she’s struggling I don’t want her to think her hard work of getting him to where is now was a waste of time. She’s quite a bit older than him so I think there is a limit to what she will put up with.
I wouldn’t even know where to start with my husband. He’s a secret eater (he has put on a huge tummy over the years) and lies about how much he eats when he is out. His eating to be honest has been worrying me as he had a heart scare last year and belly fat is very dangerous. He was a spoilt only child and his parents let him drink quite young (he was a star athlete) and he still fancies himself as a good looking, popular lad and has a huge fear of missing out. I don’t think he has the selfcontrol at his age to stop, as the want to stop socialising with his large friend group isn’t there.
Money isn’t an issue (we are very lucky) as he has a generous pension and redundancy package from the bank he worked for.
My youngest doesn’t really drink at all, and still lives at home, I know it annoys him when he is drunk, lots of eye rolling and snarky comments when his dad gets home.
We are not a talk about your feelings family, I’m at a loss about where to start. I didn’t sleep well last year, so please excuse the garbled post

Dilly,
Your son grew up with an alcoholic father, behaviour you totally normalized for 31 years and counting. I agree you are in deep denial.
Your son is now modeling the same behaviour.
It is not unusual to marry an alcoholic, once you grew up with one (I am referring to your dil, having a father with addiction issues, married a person with the same problem)

Please apologize to your dil
Encourage your husband to look for help.
Also get yourself in therapy to face your reality

Sounds to me as though your DH does have a drinking problem, and your DIL assumed you had acknowledged that. It also seems like she was confiding her frustration with your DS in you and possibly looking for some support. I can see how your DH might miss his former work colleagues and the drinking culture associated with his job - maybe suggest that you join him or that he have one of these social gatherings with his old friends at home and you can monitor how much he is drinking. You know he is 'rather drunk' but it would be useful to know how much it is taking to get him into that state because 3 or 4 nights a week is far too much to be like that. His liver will be weakening, and quite possibly, your relationship. You could talk to your GP who may recommend some counselling or substance abuse.

Annaram1, it was meant, we were talking about the 90% of the population when I understood that that was what *Agnurse was referring to. Now I appreciate that I misunderstood her, so my argument is irrelevant.

He goes out 3-4 times a week now with old colleagues and does come back rather drunk,

This really resonated with me OP. Your husband should be making new friends and doing something different from drinking with former colleagues. One of my brothers did this. When he had his heart attack none of his drinking buddies was available to take my SIL to see him in a distant hospital so I had to.

Monica, your sum is wrong. 57 plus 33 equals 90, not 100. Go to the bottom of the class.


=

Simply put, if alcohol is costing more than money then there is a problem !

Surely OP is now aware even if she wasnt .When you live with something it becomes norm.
OP I think you should have another chat with your DIL
It might be too late for your husband but you do have to pull your son in you can do this with your DILs help
Dont let history repeat itself .

Sorry I don’t know where TrueType came from in that last post of mine
Note to self I MUST PROOF READ 100 times

Dilly good on you for coming back and obviously you are a little bit shocked at practically 100% posters feeling you are in denial if your husbands problem
The thing is you have had 30 odd years of this and to you it’s normal and ok but believe me it’s neither normal or healthy I TrueType hope you have had yours eyes open wide
I think you owe your daughter in-law a big apology she is the ONLY one out of the four of you that has enough insight to be worried, you not only owe her an apology but you need to help her and yourself get the help that is needed for your men, before you are both left widows

It is not normal and is very definitely a huge health risk

You say "She also doesn’t really drink at all bar a glass of something at Birthdays / Christmas".

Perhaps she appreciates the health risks.

* DillytheGardener* isn't it your son you should be having a word with?

‘Drinks like the Irish’ what a silly outdated stereotype.
Unfortunately, I think you’re in denial about your husband’s alcohol consumption. You’ve stated he’s retired so he has no valid reason to get steaming drunk anymore but he’s still choosing to do that several times a week and you’ve turned a blind eye so far.
I suspect that your DIL has now hit a raw nerve by stating the obvious and you were hoping for validation from gransnet.
It really isn’t normal healthy behaviour for an adult male to go out boozing and get drunk several times a week, no matter what their previous occupation.
How would he respond to requests to reduce his intake? Have you tried suggesting that he sticks to one alcoholic drink then one soft drink when he meets up with his mates?

At least your DIL is not ignoring the elephant in the room and if she’s got any sense, she’ll take steps to leave the relationship unless your son acknowledges and tries to address his addiction.

I wouldn’t allow my partner across the threshold if he came home drunk once a week never mind three to four.
That does seem quite excessive

If my husband came home drunk 3-4 times a week I would divorce him!

Why is 'coming home drunk' acceptable? To drink so much that you are regularly drunk must mean there is quite some consumption. Tolerances tend to increase the more you consume and to be actually coming home partially incapacitated seems bizarre to me. For this to be seen as normal is a worry. Why the need to consume a chemical that makes one mentally and physically unstable? I'm sorry to say but this needs looking into.

Thank you. notanan2 is quite correct. 90% of alcoholics are functional, meaning that the ones you see on "skid row" only represent about 10% of alcoholics.

In addition, there is such a thing as a "dry drunk". This would be someone who had a problem with alcohol, currently isn't using it, but is still engaging in much of the behaviour that they did while they were drinking.

Agnurse, yes, I get my words mixed up at times as well, but we do get people quoting such improbable statistics, without actually checking the figures or the source, and as someone with some statistical training and a many years of working with them, I get a bit twitchy when I see what look like more myths being promulgated that I do, at times - like this time- over react. Apologies.

I think what agnurse meant was that 90% of people who are alcoholics are functional

Which sounds correct to me

Most alcoholics work and arent down and outs

My late husband had a highly pressurised job in the brewing trade, and drank a lot at corporate events. He would also drink at home, cans and cans. When he was medically retired he continued to drink at home, but was drinking so much he started hiding the cans from me I was sad when I found them.

I did worry about our son drinking too - but he can't drink alcohol at all, he has something called Gilbert's syndrome. Two enzymes are missing from his liver, and he cannot process certain things, alcohol being one of them. It makes him feel nauseous. My daughter went through a stage of drinking heavily as a teenager, but now just has the odd cider.

Good luck to you chatting to your son. I stopped drinking completely because I couldn't rely on my husband to be sober in the evenings - I always worried their might be an emergency with the children.

I'm sorry. It's possible I got my terms mixed up.

What I meant to say is that 90% of alcoholics are functional. I do not believe for a second that 90% of the adult population are alcoholics! I apologize.

Agnurse, I am sorry I really do not believe
^ about 90% of people are "functional alcoholics" - they are able to hold down jobs and raise families while having an alcohol problem.that^

90% of the whole adult population? Are you sure? what about all those who do not drink at all. drink only occasionally, or drink well below the approved 14/21?

According to Government statistics www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/drugusealcoholandsmoking/bulletins/opinionsandlifestylesurveyadultdrinkinghabitsingreatbritain/2017 only 57% of the population admitted to drinking. Are you suggesting that 33% were lying and were, in effect heavy drinkers. What was your source?

I’m afraid I agree with DIL....coming home drunk 3/4 times a week is not on. I think you are in denial. Talk to him about it.