DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

Sobriety is lonely.

People assume that addiction is isolating but the opppsite is true: its an instant social circle.

That falling away can be harder than the withdrawl. I think the lonliness of sobriety, not the addiction itself. Is why a lot of addicts go back to it after stopping.

If one of your men stops and the other doesnt, it will be hard. Be on hand with DIL & DS2 to offer alternative ways of socialising as a family.

& look after each other, you DIL & DS2.

Addicts are selfish. I dont mean their character I mean the addiction makes people that way

I’m Irish and can manage more than a day without a drink!
Bit of a racist remark I think!!!

......hardly a bit, I was amazed to see such a ridiculous comment made nowadays. Its got all the nasty old fashioned bigotry of a 'mother in law' joke. I had thought we were getting past such views but seems not.
The usual comeback is something along the lines of .....'oh I was just being light hearted' or 'where's your sense of humour?' Hopefully by challenging such comments we can finally weed them out.

Hilda, I didn’t say where is your sense of humour, if you actually look further up the thread I apologised and said it was out of line. I actually picked up the phrase from my Irish
father who used to tease all his English friends they drank like the Irish. I’ve learnt my lesson and shan’t say it again.

Other posters, thank you for your support. You’re right it’s been quite a shock. I’ll see DIL over the weekend, she’s helping me with the garden whilst my son and DH play football and I’ll try approach it with her.
I feel pretty embarrassed to be honest. Her family is very cultured and my son was the first in our family to go to university, she must think us so common. I think that’s why it took so long for me to accept her I’d have rather have had a normal girl with a normal job for DS, but over the past couple of months we have gotten much closer and I really like her though we are chalk and cheese.
I think as others have said DH is a lost cause.

You say your dh may be a lost cause

He will stop drinking if he wants. He is responsible for his own sobriety.

However, what are you going to do about your youngest son? About you? Just because your dh chooses alcohol, you do not have to suffer the consequences of his addiction
You and your youngest son deserve to be happy, protected from the toxicity of your dh's addiction

Dilly - please don’t put yourself or your background down. Your daughter-in-law chose your son. She knew what his background is and his family and was not put off. Her family may be “cultured” but still had a drink problem.
Underneath, she probably IS “a normal girl” and you will no doubt see that as you support each other.

I hope you and she can build up a little support network - and your younger son too.

Dilly did apologise for her remark and not everyone is big enough to apologise so give her some slack I doubt she ll use that phrase again
I have a feeling that after you apologise and explain that the situation was so familiar to you that you hadn’t seen it as a problem you will have an even closer relationship with your daughter in law She sounds a reasonable lady and hopefully you ll have a similar conversation with your youngest son too as it can’t be nice fir him living with an alcoholic father but having no power to do anything other than roll his eyes and tut tut
I feel things will be changing at least for three of you although I would imagine the fourth will continue with his familiar life style until he becomes ill and is left wondering why
Good luck Dilly remember nothing will change whist you accept and enable

If your husbands drinking is not a problem to you then it's no one else's business.
However if your husband thinks he drinks too much it's for him to take measures to stop.
Clearly your DIL believes your son has a problem and drinks too much but this is none of your business so keep out of it.
Let them sort that out themselves.
We cannot interfere in peoples relationships mainly because we do not know whats goes on in any ones relationship behind closed doors.

Your not interfering if someone asks for assistance or advice Jeannie
Not very enlightened post of course a drunk doesn’t think he has a problem and it’s obviously impinging on the youngest sons life as he’s uncomfortable with his fathers behaviour even if Dilly is so used to it she doesn’t notice it

If my husband left me home 3-4 times a week while he went out drinking with friends I would consider that my marriage was a farce. If he drank to the point of drunkenness I'd leave.
I am deeply concerned that you thought this normal behaviour.

Actually recent research shows that the Irish are among the heaviest drinkers in the world! I’m Irish and the figures were published recently in National newspapers and discussed on the radio. Intake has been increasing in the last few years, particularly among women, who may be 4th in Europe for alcohol intake.

So Dilly’s remark may actually be true.

Sorry Irish women 4th in world- not something to boast about.
www.rte.ie/lifestyle/living/2019/0508/1048136-irish-women-rank-fourth-heaviest-drinkers-in-the-world/

I think you were very brave posting your concerns on here and it must have been so difficult reading some of the honest replies from posters who have now alerted you to the fact that your husband's drinking is not the norm. I appreciate this has been accepted as normal in your family because it is longstanding and part of a pattern. I understand that your family is not a "talk about your feelings" type of family, and yours is certainly not alone in that. You mention that your OH had a heart scare a while ago. Are you able to approach this by saying that you are concerned about your son's health and the example OH is showing as his father? So difficult I know but if you don't air with the family nothing will change, and your son's marriage may suffer.

Farmor15 could it be that those countries are better at self reporting accurately what they drink.

It is also well researchex that English people significantly UNDER report their alcohol consumption, this is why advice about "units" is replaced with other wordings, and midwives can no longer say that an occasional drink is okay in pregnancy, because English peoples interpretation of "ocassional drink" often = heavy drinking!

Dillythegardner,

You have my sympathy, my OH is also what I would term a 'heavy drinker'. He rarely goes out drinking with friends - he is a solitary drinker at home. I get the excuses such as 'oh I've worked hard today I deserve a drink' or 'there's footie on tonight so I'm treating myself' etc etc. I find myself not speaking to him much in the evening as I am sick to the back teeth of the 'lost conversations' where he completely denies things that he has said because he simply doesn't remember.
Why do I put up with it? Well, at the moment I am not in a position to move house because we live with my Mother who is disabled - I am her carer and I very much need his help with my Mum.
Overall he isn't a bad husband, he has always paid over every penny of his wages, he does the lions share of the 'chores', we have lots of great holidays (ironically he drinks much less when we are away), he doesn't gamble, he's generous to a fault and he is a very good father to our two AC and a lovely Grandad to our three GC.
He absolutely acknowledges that he drinks too much, He has had it very firmly pointed out to him by our children which was a massive shock to him. It hasn't stopped but he does reign it in when he realises he's going too far.
I don't like it but at the end of the day i'm not perfect either and his drinking does not stop me enjoying the company of my friends and family.
As to the future, well, I'm financially independent so when i'm no longer caring for my Mother I can make choices. Its not ideal but there are a lot of people much worse off that I am.

Anyone who is affected by a loved one's drinking may like to consider Al-Anon. This is a program modelled on AA but it is for people impact by someone else's drinking. There is also Alateen which is similar but for young people affected by someone's drinking.

Dilly, I think you've received a lot of good advice here. I just want to echo the suggestion to join AlAnon and encourage DIL to do the same. Who knows? They may even boe able to tel you that DH is not a "lost cause, " abd that there are ways to help him!

DH came home last night, plastered. Younger son filmed him talking gibberish when he came home and shared to our family group. I used to just tut a bit and laugh. But now doesn’t seem funny at all.
DIL is over now but haven’t mustered courage to broach it yet. Once the can of worms is opened etc I won’t be able to put them back.
I’ve had wonderful advice thank you. I keep coming back and re-reading.

I mean this kindly OP, the worms havent been in the can for a LONG time, they are all over the floor, you've just been chosing not to look at them until now but everyone else can see them plain as day..

... so talk to your DIL. She may be a great support to you now x

You'll regret it if you don't say something.

Use the video as an opener if you cant find the words.

Ask her if she saw it and tell her you are sorry for reacting defensively before, its just that you brushed it off for so long..

Dilly, you don't need to cause a big upheaval or anything, just quietly tell your Dil that you have been thinking about what she said and you think she could be right but you're not quite sure what to do about it at the moment, if at all.
At least then you will have an ally and so will she. You could include your youngest son as well, broach him and see if he thinks your Dh drinking has "crossed a line".
If you feel like it, you could also "dip your toe in the water" re your Dh's performance last night and tell him that it wasn't funny and he's gone too far.
Good luck! Be brave!

Oh dear I too think it’s out now, and you need to act, the son at home is obviously feeling your change of heart and gather courage as he’s gone from tut tutting to actually filming his Dad and putting it out there perhaps if your husband sees this video he’ll realise what a waxxer he is being
You need to make peace with your daughter in law and tell her she is right you will be the winning team and might save his life or at least her marriage