DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

If my husband came home drunk 3-4 times a week I would divorce him!

I wouldn’t allow my partner across the threshold if he came home drunk once a week never mind three to four.
That does seem quite excessive

‘Drinks like the Irish’ what a silly outdated stereotype.
Unfortunately, I think you’re in denial about your husband’s alcohol consumption. You’ve stated he’s retired so he has no valid reason to get steaming drunk anymore but he’s still choosing to do that several times a week and you’ve turned a blind eye so far.
I suspect that your DIL has now hit a raw nerve by stating the obvious and you were hoping for validation from gransnet.
It really isn’t normal healthy behaviour for an adult male to go out boozing and get drunk several times a week, no matter what their previous occupation.
How would he respond to requests to reduce his intake? Have you tried suggesting that he sticks to one alcoholic drink then one soft drink when he meets up with his mates?

At least your DIL is not ignoring the elephant in the room and if she’s got any sense, she’ll take steps to leave the relationship unless your son acknowledges and tries to address his addiction.

* DillytheGardener* isn't it your son you should be having a word with?

You say "She also doesn’t really drink at all bar a glass of something at Birthdays / Christmas".

Perhaps she appreciates the health risks.

Dilly good on you for coming back and obviously you are a little bit shocked at practically 100% posters feeling you are in denial if your husbands problem
The thing is you have had 30 odd years of this and to you it’s normal and ok but believe me it’s neither normal or healthy I TrueType hope you have had yours eyes open wide
I think you owe your daughter in-law a big apology she is the ONLY one out of the four of you that has enough insight to be worried, you not only owe her an apology but you need to help her and yourself get the help that is needed for your men, before you are both left widows

It is not normal and is very definitely a huge health risk

Sorry I don’t know where TrueType came from in that last post of mine
Note to self I MUST PROOF READ 100 times

Surely OP is now aware even if she wasnt .When you live with something it becomes norm.
OP I think you should have another chat with your DIL
It might be too late for your husband but you do have to pull your son in you can do this with your DILs help
Dont let history repeat itself .

Simply put, if alcohol is costing more than money then there is a problem !

Monica, your sum is wrong. 57 plus 33 equals 90, not 100. Go to the bottom of the class.


=

He goes out 3-4 times a week now with old colleagues and does come back rather drunk,

This really resonated with me OP. Your husband should be making new friends and doing something different from drinking with former colleagues. One of my brothers did this. When he had his heart attack none of his drinking buddies was available to take my SIL to see him in a distant hospital so I had to.

Annaram1, it was meant, we were talking about the 90% of the population when I understood that that was what *Agnurse was referring to. Now I appreciate that I misunderstood her, so my argument is irrelevant.

Sounds to me as though your DH does have a drinking problem, and your DIL assumed you had acknowledged that. It also seems like she was confiding her frustration with your DS in you and possibly looking for some support. I can see how your DH might miss his former work colleagues and the drinking culture associated with his job - maybe suggest that you join him or that he have one of these social gatherings with his old friends at home and you can monitor how much he is drinking. You know he is 'rather drunk' but it would be useful to know how much it is taking to get him into that state because 3 or 4 nights a week is far too much to be like that. His liver will be weakening, and quite possibly, your relationship. You could talk to your GP who may recommend some counselling or substance abuse.

Dilly,
Your son grew up with an alcoholic father, behaviour you totally normalized for 31 years and counting. I agree you are in deep denial.
Your son is now modeling the same behaviour.
It is not unusual to marry an alcoholic, once you grew up with one (I am referring to your dil, having a father with addiction issues, married a person with the same problem)

Please apologize to your dil
Encourage your husband to look for help.
Also get yourself in therapy to face your reality

Thank you all for your comments. I spent most of yesterday out in the gorgeous weather gardening and trying to digest everything.
Firstly I’m also sorry for my comment, “Drink like the Irish”, should have been “drink like a fish”, my apologies, it was out of line.
It’s hard for me to accept there is an issue, as my family& friend group all drink quite a lot, so as you pointed out it’s our normal.
I am however upset to think that this has meant my son has perhaps picked up this behaviour from his dad and it is affecting him and his wife. She is the main breadwinner and if she’s struggling I don’t want her to think her hard work of getting him to where is now was a waste of time. She’s quite a bit older than him so I think there is a limit to what she will put up with.
I wouldn’t even know where to start with my husband. He’s a secret eater (he has put on a huge tummy over the years) and lies about how much he eats when he is out. His eating to be honest has been worrying me as he had a heart scare last year and belly fat is very dangerous. He was a spoilt only child and his parents let him drink quite young (he was a star athlete) and he still fancies himself as a good looking, popular lad and has a huge fear of missing out. I don’t think he has the selfcontrol at his age to stop, as the want to stop socialising with his large friend group isn’t there.
Money isn’t an issue (we are very lucky) as he has a generous pension and redundancy package from the bank he worked for.
My youngest doesn’t really drink at all, and still lives at home, I know it annoys him when he is drunk, lots of eye rolling and snarky comments when his dad gets home.
We are not a talk about your feelings family, I’m at a loss about where to start. I didn’t sleep well last year, so please excuse the garbled post

*Last night
I am exhausted today

Hi Dilly, I feel really sorry for you, you have had "the rug pulled from beneath you and must be feeling upset and a bit scared at your realisation that there is a problem with the amount that your husband and now your Son drinks.
I will pass onto you the only knowledge that I have of this situation, my friend was married to an alcoholic and she went to AlAnon meetings, she was told that she was Co dependant and an enabler with her husband's drinking and also that she was powerless to control his drinking, basically it was up to him.
This is all that I know so perhaps try to go to one of these meetings, possibly with Dil and perhaps get a clearer understanding of everything.

getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week? thats a lot....maybe he ought to see his doctor find out if he's over doing it ,its suprising how many glasses is a how many units.i gave up drink at least 10 years ago. even though i never drank that much anyway.i think i had a drink last christmas at the works christmas dinner....and it was one glass of malibu and cranberry topped up with water when i got down to half way..so it was more like water malibu and cranberry..think of what the drink is doing to his liver...

I don’t trust he will be truthful with the doctor. He definitely lies to him about his diet. The last time he came back from his GP he said the GP he was very fit and healthy, which I find hard to believe with a tummy bigger than mine when I was full term with my boys. I think he lies to the doctors and fibs to me about what they said when he relays it to me

Perhaps his ‘tummy’ is due to drink not secret eating.

If his social circle would disappear if he stopped normalising their drinking, then they aren't "friends" they are drinking buddies.

Drinkers surround themselves with drinkers to normalise their drinking. Your DIL TBH may have a hard job at this point convincing your SIL that not everyone drinks like that with him coming from a family where the family friends are all heavy drinkers too. She is on her own in this with your son's friends and his dad pulling from the other side because they wont want your son stopping as he enables them as much as they enable him. They will villify your DIL for taking their drinking buddy away from them. Throw your DIL a lifeline, please! Reach out to her and apologise.

To be honest at your husbsnd's level of drinking he propably shouldnt just stop! It can be dangerous to stop heavy drinking without withdrawl medication: That is how serious his level of alcohol consumption is!

One thing to remember, alcoholics are always liars.
A friend of a friend said that they had a liver function test and it was absolutley fine, no health problems, died 24 hours later from ruptured oesophageal varices.

DillyTheGardener I can see you are feeling in a mess with no ideas. You need to share this with someone. Obviously there is your daughter in law who, I feel, expected you to already “know” there was a problem - but also your younger son appears to see it. Maybe here you have someone close to you who can share this with. Or maybe other wives of the “drinking buddies” are friends of yours?

Could you have a conversation with your younger son at least - maybe start off saying you are worried about his father’s health? I find it a comfort talking problems and worries through with other people who I love and trust, even if I can’t change anything.

Good luck. We are all sorry this has come as a shock to you and are wishing you well.

The big belly may well be the drinking I don’t think you can do much about your husband as you ve let him do it for 30 plus years without questioning him or showing concern He won’t be leaving his friendship group so he probably won’t do much about it But be prepared because the older he gets the more this lifestyle will effect his health and may well shorten his life However you can do something for your son you can apologise to your daughter in law and put your heads to together to work out how you can help her and your son
You need to also rethink you attitude to your youngest son who is still at home his eye rolling at seeing his dad drunk (yet again) is not sarky he’s expressing his dislike of the situation and is right in his thinking
I m sorry you ve had such a shock and wake up call but at least you ve taken it on board and are thinking about it instead of accepting it as normal
Believe me it’s not

Be prepared for problems to arrise, or even a rift, if either one of your men stops and the others doesnt.

Here is why:

"I'm going to see my son/dad" in the pub

Sounds better than:

I'm going to the pub.

Drinking together when they see each other may be what their relationship is based on, under the guise of "spending time together".

If this happens, you, DIL and your younger son will need to be a united front and not let it affect the whole family.