WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH DAUGHTER

NO you are not being unreasonable. It's a special day for you as well ( and no doubt you are expected to give money) so of course you should be included.
I think we as a generation have bred very self centred children, and all this talk of its the brides day, princess for a day blah blah....misses the point that this is a celebration of love...so of course those who feel joy at that love ( and who more so than a mother) should be involved.
I told my daughter that I would love to be involved in choosing her dress as it was so very moving and wonderful for me, and hopefully would be a shared memory that we would both treasure.
I was involved and I , and she, both still think and talk about it with fondness.
So speak to her and explain your feelings.

Lucky you Hilda! I’m sure you’ll have a fabulous day!

Sara65....thankfully my DD who is getting married next May thinks like you. She's marrying her school sweetheart after 15 years of on and off courtship. Its a Registry office followed by a family lunch in a country Pub and then our house in the evening for a buffet, cake and games in the garden weather permitting.

DD2 took 4 bridesmaids and I shopping, then 3 of us to a shop closer where she knew what she wanted. DDs decided when their Dad died, they would take each other up the aisle. When DD1 got married, she invited the ladies for coffee, gave them a bag each asking them to be her bridesmaids then drove us to the bridal shop where after 6 dresses, I saw one which she liked, we all cried. Both weddings were so different, one church, one museum. I had no involvement with either wedding as they wanted to surprise me. I had given them both money from their late father as their wedding gift.

Perhaps I’m missing something, because I had a home made wedding dress, and a meal in a local pub afterwards, but I just think the whole wedding thing is vastly overrated

I was determined not to interfere in any of my daughters arrangements, and I didn’t, even when I secretly disagreed about something, but somehow, I always seemed to be in the wrong about something

We eventually had a lovely day, but was it worth the expense and stress? I suppose it was really, but I’m glad neither of the others have decided to married!

.......as I said I blame 'Say yes to the dress' where its implied that a bride should bring everyone including the dodgy Auntie or Step Mother in Law to be....they should all have a say and reduce the poor girl to tears. Its all putting so much pressure on the poor kids who are actually getting married. There seems to be this ridiculous concept that there is a measurable 'perfect' that can be achieved if you try hard enough. Also that there is a set of rules that must be applied and abided to by everyone.
Can remember a friend talking about a wedding they had attended where a couple of older family members had caused a scene when the disco had started up and a few young children had taken to the dance floor and started dancing. Evidently the old trouts had told the children off demanding that no one could dance until the bride and groom had danced first!
I have not been to many weddings but the last one was a lovely quirky concoction brought together by the bride and groom. It had involved us camping out half way up a mountain in Wales but never mind.....one of the best photos was of her throwing her bouquet (a sweet homemade posy of wild flowers)......not to her bridesmaids but to her new husbands best pals who had played a much bigger part in the ceremony. These smart young men were the life and soul of the party and entered into the joy of leaping athletically to catch the flowers....a joyful sight.

Some mother's want to go wedding dress shopping. Some don't. Some daughters want their mums to be there and some don't. We are all different...... Offer to help with other things and then wait to be asked. My daughter arranged everything for her wedding. She picked a few dresses, asked my opinion and then picked the one she liked best and rightly so. My input was not necessary. She's an adult with impeccable taste. It was a small event but turned out just the way she wanted and that's what matters. We all had a fantastic day and that was thanks to her.

My daughter prefers to do everything with her friends rather than me. Yes I feel jealous and disappointed.

ReadyMeals, anyone in their thirties is young to me!

Thank you for your, mostly, kind and understanding comments. It has been interesting to read so many different takes on this subject. The overall theme I think is that things are done very differently nowadays but it is gratifying to know that some people would feel exactly the same as me. I do not want to control all aspects of my adult childrens business as suggested by one person. That is way off beam and insulting. As for suggesting I may be thinking I have a better eye for what’s on trend than her contemporaries, that comment was fatuous and rude. I have not made any sort of fuss about any of this. As someone else said it is more like mismatched expectations and also not knowing what is expected of me. I shall go with the flow, offer to help with any wedding preparations, and wait to be asked. And obviously enjoy my daughter’s wedding day.

I had to do wedding dress shopping on my own as mother was dead. Tried to interest a girlfriend, but she was useless. Worked out fine. It’s just one day. The marriage is more important.

I had no expectations.
My daughter had a quiet wedding,I wasn't invited,it was how she wanted it.
We had a beautiful family celebration a week later.
For me it was all about what was best for my daughter and her happiness.

Marydoll "However, times have changed and I think young people nowadays have a different "take" on things," And in fact "young people" have got older. Probably in their 30s lol

I got married for the first time at 19, in 1975. I popped out to the shops one Saturday to have a look around, saw a dress I liked and ordered it. (My parents were paying and I knew the budget). I just didn't stop to think how my Mum would feel.
It was really only years later that I looked back and wondered how I could do that to her, she must have been so hurt. Typically she didn't say a word, only how nice it was. I really regret it, especially not having that experience with my lovely Mum, who we lost 10 years ago and miss every day.

As the mother of 3 sons, this was a pleasure that was never to be mine. However two of my DILs, who of course took their mothers shopping with them for their dresses, invited me to go to a fitting with them and help choose accessories. I was beyond delighted and there were tears, it was a great bonding experience for us. It was so kind of them to think of including me.

OP, i think people are being mean to you.

I would absolutely be hurt if my dd didn't invite me to one dress hunting expedition!

My dd knows this so I think she would schedule me in for one trip anyway.

The rudeness of asking if you're a personal shopper! Ha!

I've been my dd's mother all her life! I know that her judgement is better than mine about what looks good on her but she values my input about what's appropriate, accessories, etc.

She chose a dress for formal but I helped with details.

Gently suggest that you would like to help but make sure she knows first you respect her choices.

I hope you have fun and make wonderful memories.

DD took her Dad with her!
I hired my dress after seeing it in the shop window. Nobody saw it until the wedding day as I was living in London and the wedding was in Scotland.

My daughter got married 10 years ago . even then I had to ask if I could go with her and a friend to help choose her dress.Now I think in many cases Mums are not considered necessary to do this. Am sure if hadn’t lived locally would not have been involvedat all.
My other daughter bought her dress online from America. It was beautiful. I went with her when she had it altered to fit-she did live 300miles away .Sadly lost her 9 years ago.

I had 2 wedding last year my daughter and my daughter in law and it’s sad to say but I found the deeper your pockets are the more input I got I was involved a lot with my daughter choices but I have to say I do wonder what would of happened if I hadn’t been paying I got very little involvement daughter in laws choices as I wasn’t contributing as much , I would just do what you are asked and and keep your hand in your pocket I wish I had

Weddings of daughters are always fraught with emotions on all sides. Be ready to be there if they need you, be pleasantly surprised to be asked an opinion! Let her know you are available whenever she needs you. You will have a part to play but don’t expect it to be like your own wedding.
The friends are nowadays given the bulk of the invites. The cake will probably not contain a fruit cake layer.
Be grateful she wants to get married and has made a commitment and party happily on the day!
My MIL’s favourite phrase - mouth shut, cheque book open.
Good luck!

I’m new to gransnet, so please bear with me if I get it wrong.
My daughter got married a couple of years ago and I was really surprised about the intensity of feelings that could be triggered by seemingly small things in the preparation of the wedding. I am also a psychotherapist , so I wondered whether I could explore a bit more what on earth that was all about. I interviewed other mothers and it became clear that I was certainly not alone. The result is a book “A Wedding in the Family”. Am I allowed to tell you about it? You may find it really useful. I found it useful writing it! See attached photo.

My daughter asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. However, her dad and I were picking up the bill!

My daughter got married in New York and she chose her dress from an online selection, but she did tell me which one she liked and gave me the web address, so I could have a look at it and see if I agreed. It was lovely, so I gave her the go-ahead and she looked gorgeous in it! My contribution was a marabou shrug, as it was early May and I thought she might get a bit chilly as the day wore on. Sadly, the wedding dress got some red wine stains on it and when she found out that to dry-clean it would cost more than the dress did, she stuck it in the washing machine! The red wine stains didn’t come out completely and the dress was never the same and ended up in the charity shop! She’s not planning on getting married again, as they are very happy! First baby due today!

My daughter did all the leg work with her sister in law, then I was invited for the final selection, perfect !

There is absolutely no intention to hurt you. Everything is so
different these days. Buy a gorgeous outfit and have a lovely
day.